I need some dating advice I guess?

[Shan1127]

I'm 16 now, at that age where all my friends are together, everything is changing - except for me.  

I don't want sex and I'm lucky my friends are very supportive of my sexuality and there's no pressure to get with anyone or have sex. Although I think it's just a pressure from society, everything is so sexualized that I'm at a disadvantage. All my friends are in relationships and it can kinda make me feel alone.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to date and other times it annoys me.  The main issue I have is how to get out there?  How to find someone who will just accept me?  Sure you can date other aces but usually they're all American so they're far away and we'll talk for awhile as friends and then just stop talking and it never leads anywhere. 

Also I feel like it would be hard for me to find a decent relationship with all my issues 😂. I'm legally blind which scared people away for some strange reason,  I'm under review for a mental health diagnosis,  I'm like the poster child for hospitals.   Basically I'm the definition of a problem child, asking some one to put up with all that and be deprived of sex is just too much. I don't know....I guess I just need some one to suggest something to me because I have no idea how to get myself out there. Especially living in Ireland where there seems to be less than a handful of aces 

[Ivy42]

I'm American so unfortunately don't think I can be super helpful on the topic of finding people in Ireland, but I do have a thought. You said "asking people to put up with all that and be deprived of sex is just too much." (Forgive me, I'm struggling to phrase this in a way that makes sense.) I used to think like that too, like I was a lot to deal with or something, but I've come to realize that I'm doing myself a disservice thinking about myself like that. It's a difficult idea to get past, but there are definitely people in the world who won't feel like they're "putting up with" you. It's obviously not easy to meet people and put yourself out there and find them, but there are people who will see you for the things you add to their life, and not for things they might have to put up with around you. And also, there are people (ace and otherwise) who can live happily without sex. 

 

Anyway, I apologize if this is super unhelpful. Good luck in your search! 

[Bandrailian]

I definitely understand where you're coming from. I'm 22 and I have Ankylosing Spondylitis which is an arthritis that primarily affects the spine, and I am waiting on tests for what we currently believe to be MS for lack of another diagnosis. It's very stressful, thinking about how with conditions like this (which are already a lot for a partner to worry about) and your lack of desire for sex make you feel like it'll never happen. It's something I've expressed to my friends as a great fear of my own.

You need to take a step back for a second, and remember that there are plenty of things about you that will still draw someone towards you. Just because you have some health concerns doesn't mean you can't find someone who will date you and even one day love you. You need to have faith in yourself, because believing it's not possible already makes it such. You also need to have faith in others, because if you don't think you'll find someone you're already giving up on someone who may be hiding their interest (people get nervous and do this).

On 5/25/2018 at 8:45 AM, Shan1127 said:

I don't know....I guess I just need some one to suggest something to me because I have no idea how to get myself out there.

All I can suggest is to just be yourself. Let who you are bring great friendships to you, and let these friendships help you find the dating you desire. Friendships can either become romantic or introduce you to people who can fulfil that role. Having medical conditions makes things harder, but 'overcoming' these conditions (basically just living your life) is surprisingly endearing to those around you. It impresses them a lot for some reason. Be the friend you want to have, and have faith that this will surround you with the people you deserve. Good Luck!

[Shan1127]

14 hours ago, Ivy42 said:

I'm American so unfortunately don't think I can be super helpful on the topic of finding people in Ireland, but I do have a thought. You said "asking people to put up with all that and be deprived of sex is just too much." (Forgive me, I'm struggling to phrase this in a way that makes sense.) I used to think like that too, like I was a lot to deal with or something, but I've come to realize that I'm doing myself a disservice thinking about myself like that. It's a difficult idea to get past, but there are definitely people in the world who won't feel like they're "putting up with" you. It's obviously not easy to meet people and put yourself out there and find them, but there are people who will see you for the things you add to their life, and not for things they might have to put up with around you. And also, there are people (ace and otherwise) who can live happily without sex. 

 

Anyway, I apologize if this is super unhelpful. Good luck in your search! 

Thanks for taking the time to reply. You're lucky you're American 😂😂

[Shan1127]

13 hours ago, Bandrailian said:

I definitely understand where you're coming from. I'm 22 and I have Ankylosing Spondylitis which is an arthritis that primarily affects the spine, and I am waiting on tests for what we currently believe to be MS for lack of another diagnosis. It's very stressful, thinking about how with conditions like this (which are already a lot for a partner to worry about) and your lack of desire for sex make you feel like it'll never happen. It's something I've expressed to my friends as a great fear of my own.

You need to take a step back for a second, and remember that there are plenty of things about you that will still draw someone towards you. Just because you have some health concerns doesn't mean you can't find someone who will date you and even one day love you. You need to have faith in yourself, because believing it's not possible already makes it such. You also need to have faith in others, because if you don't think you'll find someone you're already giving up on someone who may be hiding their interest (people get nervous and do this).

All I can suggest is to just be yourself. Let who you are bring great friendships to you, and let these friendships help you find the dating you desire. Friendships can either become romantic or introduce you to people who can fulfil that role. Having medical conditions makes things harder, but 'overcoming' these conditions (basically just living your life) is surprisingly endearing to those around you. It impresses them a lot for some reason. Be the friend you want to have, and have faith that this will surround you with the people you deserve. Good Luck!

Thanks so much. It's nice that you get it. It just sucks that everything is so much harder and some times it just makes me feel like giving up.

[Bandrailian]

That's all perfectly normal. Lean on your friends when you need to, and know that everyone has to sometimes. It's a sign of strength, asking for help to overcome a sadness or a weakness. If life is a race, just because you start a bit further back doesn't mean you still can't win. It's harder, but it's way more exciting when you pull it off. And, I'd imagine a race would be easier to win if your friends carried your water for you or cheered you on. Plus, If the race feels too hard, it's much easier to continue with support than by convincing yourself. It's a silly metaphor for happiness, because running is really quite dreadful, but I think it makes sense.

[gner0]

I remember last year when I was struggling with medical issues that were really uncommon for my age, I met a boy who had dealt with similar things after going through chemo. We were both so grateful to have found someone who understood and ended up becoming close because of it. Instead of giving each other a hard time about our eating habits, we talked about how chocolate Ensure was way better than vanilla or compared our IV scars, etc. Just like you've reached out and already found people who can understand, there's someone out there in Ireland who would be grateful to have someone who understands what they've been through, like you! You just haven't met them yet!!

[Shan1127]

On 5/29/2018 at 5:42 AM, Bandrailian said:

That's all perfectly normal. Lean on your friends when you need to, and know that everyone has to sometimes. It's a sign of strength, asking for help to overcome a sadness or a weakness. If life is a race, just because you start a bit further back doesn't mean you still can't win. It's harder, but it's way more exciting when you pull it off. And, I'd imagine a race would be easier to win if your friends carried your water for you or cheered you on. Plus, If the race feels too hard, it's much easier to continue with support than by convincing yourself. It's a silly metaphor for happiness, because running is really quite dreadful, but I think it makes sense.

Thank you so much. This was nice to read 

[Shan1127]

On 5/30/2018 at 3:54 AM, gner0 said:

I remember last year when I was struggling with medical issues that were really uncommon for my age, I met a boy who had dealt with similar things after going through chemo. We were both so grateful to have found someone who understood and ended up becoming close because of it. Instead of giving each other a hard time about our eating habits, we talked about how chocolate Ensure was way better than vanilla or compared our IV scars, etc. Just like you've reached out and already found people who can understand, there's someone out there in Ireland who would be grateful to have someone who understands what they've been through, like you! You just haven't met them yet!!

I hope that's true and I hope things go well for the two of you