Seeking some advice regarding ace girlfriend?

[Proxima]

Hi, non-asexual guy here hoping to get some advice, and before anything else, I'm really sorry if this whole thing ends up sounding kind of...silly? Maybe? 

 

So, my friend-turned-girlfriend came out to me as ace (heteroromantic) a couple months ago. We're both in our twenties. Sex is a no-go for her, and to keep a long story short, I love her more than anything, so I'm willing to give it up for her sake (just to clarify, I've never had sex with her, nor have I tried to). She's very affectionate, though. She loves hugs and holding hands and just generally being close, and I think she's open to kissing. Not gonna lie, I'd really like to kiss her. But affectionate as she is, I know she can get anxious about it because of her asexuality, like she'll sometimes worry that at a certain point, she'll be obligated to go all the way or risk being a disappointment. A lot of the shit she's had to put up with as an ace has gotten to her head, unfortunately. Also, she's never been kissed before, so there's that too.

 

...yeah, I'm pretty much asking for advice on how to kiss the girl. How can I make her feel comfortable and assure her that she's not obligated to go any further? Maybe I'm seriously overthinking something simple, but I really love her, and I want to do this right. Any advice is appreciated!

 

And I hope I posted to the right forum. I think this is where this kind of thing would go, but I'm not 100% sure?

[Rosendust]

I would say communication is going to be paramount in your situation. I definitely commend you for being respectful  and understanding of her situation and seeking advice from others.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Ask her. Tell her that you would like to kiss her and also make it clear that you are not expecting her to do things she feels uncomfortable with. This is surely tricky because, if phrased in the wrong way, it may actually contribute to feeling of pressure and insecurity instead of alleviating it. I'm not sure phrase it right, but still she deserves to know that you respect her preference - and other sex-averse aces deserve to know that a sex-free mixed relationship doesn't have to be a hopeless idea.

[Lara Black]

Hello, Proxima, and welcome from a fellow sexual.)

I agree with the previous comments that communication is very important. You need to establish some signs how she can stop you if she feels uncomfortable. Also – trust is crucial. Meaning that she needs to trust you not to push her, and you need to trust her to set the borders. Within these borders you might want to experiment (she probably won’t, so it’s up to you) and find what you both like.

Truth be told, mixed relationships involve a lot of compromises. However, if you manage to find a good middle-ground point, they can be absolutely great. I’ve been in mine for almost 2 years and I’m still over the moon.) So, good luck to you.

[Proxima]

I agree with all of you, I know communication is definitely priority #1; I think I can safely say that any relationship is doomed to fail without it. We discussed her limits early on, so sex was out of the question right from the start. Like I said, I'm okay with that. Personally, I've kind of come to think of sex like the prize at the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms, if that makes sense? Like yeah, if it's there, that's great, but I don't feel like it has to be essential for a complete balanced breakfast...or sugary marshmallow cereal in this case.

 

I can't claim to fully understand her asexuality, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to, but I've accepted that that's the way she is, and she's explained it in a way (I'm actually sort of borrowing the Lucky Charms analogy from her, lol) that I can understand why she'd be anxious. She has to deal with a lot of pressure from friends, family, and strangers alike, always insisting that one or both of us will eventually change our minds, and if we don't, we're just not "the one" for each other, plain and simple. I get it too, but I think she gets it worse since people see her as "the problem." Probably the worst one I've heard was how I'll never be happy with her, and she's being cruel by "depriving" me of my needs. That was said to her, by the way, not me. It's stuff like that that gets her shaken up, and I'm sometimes at a loss for what I can say or do to reassure her that stuff like that isn't true.

 

Wow, that got pretty wordy. I swear, I didn't mean for it to escalate like that, haha. I must sound like a broken record, but I can't stress enough how much I sincerely care about this girl. She's nothing short of absolutely wonderful, and I love her and the relationship we have. Anyway, thank you all for the advice! I'll figure out a way to approach the matter, and hopefully, I can try to alleviate at least some of her insecurity along the way. I really want her to be happy.

[Sweet Potato]

On 5/24/2018 at 11:32 PM, Proxima said:

How can I make her feel comfortable and assure her that she's not obligated to go any further?

use words. seriously, just tell her!

 

[Andy Roo]

On 5/25/2018 at 10:32 PM, Proxima said:

Probably the worst one I've heard was how I'll never be happy with her, and she's being cruel by "depriving" me of my needs. That was said to her, by the way, not me. It's stuff like that that gets her shaken up, and I'm sometimes at a loss for what I can say or do to reassure her that stuff like that isn't true.

 

While I am totally bemused as to how someone's intimate relationship details become the subject of polite conversation, It is probably a good idea to reclaim that ground for yourselves.

 

Perhaps you could agree together what responses you will both give if the subject is raised in the future, so as to shut that conversation down in a way you are both comfortable with.  If you both give off an air of confidence in your relationship then the chit chat will die off and there will be one less thing to feel anxious about.

 

I find an effective reply to awkward family questions (such as "any sign of a girlfriend?") is a firmly delivered " That's none of your business " followed by a knowing smile and silence. 

 

The reason this works is that I can deliver the line with total conviction, as it is true, but the hapless questioner fills in the blank with whatever suit's them (probably " nudge nudge wink wink").

 

If the two of you can make that conversation space private again, then it might even make it easier to communicate with each other.

[Guest]

On 5/25/2018 at 5:32 PM, Proxima said:

I agree with all of you, I know communication is definitely priority #1; I think I can safely say that any relationship is doomed to fail without it. We discussed her limits early on, so sex was out of the question right from the start. Like I said, I'm okay with that. Personally, I've kind of come to think of sex like the prize at the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms, if that makes sense? Like yeah, if it's there, that's great, but I don't feel like it has to be essential for a complete balanced breakfast...or sugary marshmallow cereal in this case.

 

I can't claim to fully understand her asexuality, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to, but I've accepted that that's the way she is, and she's explained it in a way (I'm actually sort of borrowing the Lucky Charms analogy from her, lol) that I can understand why she'd be anxious. She has to deal with a lot of pressure from friends, family, and strangers alike, always insisting that one or both of us will eventually change our minds, and if we don't, we're just not "the one" for each other, plain and simple. I get it too, but I think she gets it worse since people see her as "the problem." Probably the worst one I've heard was how I'll never be happy with her, and she's being cruel by "depriving" me of my needs. That was said to her, by the way, not me. It's stuff like that that gets her shaken up, and I'm sometimes at a loss for what I can say or do to reassure her that stuff like that isn't true.

 

Wow, that got pretty wordy. I swear, I didn't mean for it to escalate like that, haha. I must sound like a broken record, but I can't stress enough how much I sincerely care about this girl. She's nothing short of absolutely wonderful, and I love her and the relationship we have. Anyway, thank you all for the advice! I'll figure out a way to approach the matter, and hopefully, I can try to alleviate at least some of her insecurity along the way. I really want her to be happy.

People are gonna say a lot of stuff. She just has to learn to let it go in one ear and out the other and tell them to back off, unfortunately. And you can be there to reassure her that you are happy with her. 

 

As for how to kiss her.. just ask if it's OK and promise you don't want it to go any further than that.