Started off as a sexual couple and 4+ years in wife decides that she is asexual

[Sunandfun]

Good late night, 

 

my my wife and I have been married 3 years and 4 months in a relationship in which we were both sexual.  She is changing herself. And saying she is asexual or doesn’t have desire for sex. Uninterested is the word she used.  We had some medical problems that limited sex after our first child and then we had some attempted cheating that followed.  I took the medical issues to be the cause of her low libido and tried to come to terms with that until i found out about the attempted cheating.  I then went through the range of emotions from not good enough to mad at her because she gave me no responses in the form of “I don’t know” to any of my questions.  She still does refuse to talk about it and to communicate or convey her feelings.  I try to be supportive but I feel like I get no where as I get no feedback.  

 

I dont know how to to move forward with no direction being conveyed by my better half and I love her so damn much I don’t want to lose her.  I just don’t feel wanted or desired and any time I try to convey those feelings or seek reassurance I get shut down mode from her.  Do I have anything I can do?  How long do I wait? What time frame should I expect for her to come to terms with her actions and her choices and if she now decides to be asexual what can I do to support that or so I need to walk away? I think attempted cheating would indicate she is not asexual and she is toting the line because she has lost interest in being sexual with me.  Maybe because of guilt or that I was emotionally devastated when I found out 5 months in and her second guy.  She even bought toys to do things with these people.  I appreciate any and all perspectives and or thoughts. Thanks for reading this.  

[4108bn]

Hi! This is obviously a fairly complex and difficult situation to be in, and I'm sorry to hear that things have been like this.

There's certainly a lot to consider here. It's difficult to be so invested in someone to the point of being married and having children and then to have changes like this happen. It's also important to really be with what you think the best course of action is here. I'm not here to tell you what to do about this, but this does seem really unhealthy considering the cheating, her being emotionally unavailable and inarticulate, and potentially lying about other things (potentially her sexuality). It's unfortunate, and I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype that people lie about their sexuality, and it's still important to respect her boundaries and lack of desire, which it seems like you have a pretty good grasp on.

You sound like a decent person in an unhealthy situation, and it's great that you've reached out here to receive some insight and potential resources. This sounds more like an issue of cheating and an unhealthy relationship to me than anything else, though. Unfortunately. I don't know that you can ever expect her to come to terms with it and be honest about things with you, and as things stand, you both seem to have pretty significant challenges in the relationship.

With that being said, it's obvious that you love her and want the best for your whole family and yourself. It's not easy to let go of or change anything, especially with such emotional investment. It's up to you how you want to go about this. I wish you and your family the best.

[Chihiro]

I am really sorry that you are going through this. My suggestion- seek couple's therapy- this might help you two to communicate better. 

If your partner refuses to communicate or explain herself or go through therapy, then there is no moving forward. You will have to break up right now. Or you will continue to feel hurt and ultimately you may reach a point where you no energy/feelings left and then break up. 

 

P.S- Doesn't sound like your partner is asexual if she was planning to be sexually active with someone else. Looks like she has lost interest in sex with you.

[m&m]

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[MrDane]

On 5/24/2018 at 7:34 AM, Sunandfun said:

Good late night, 

 

my my wife and I have been married 3 years and 4 months in a relationship in which we were both sexual.  She is changing herself. And saying she is asexual or doesn’t have desire for sex. Uninterested is the word she used.  We had some medical problems that limited sex after our first child and then we had some attempted cheating that followed.  I took the medical issues to be the cause of her low libido and tried to come to terms with that until i found out about the attempted cheating.  I then went through the range of emotions from not good enough to mad at her because she gave me no responses in the form of “I don’t know” to any of my questions.  She still does refuse to talk about it and to communicate or convey her feelings.  I try to be supportive but I feel like I get no where as I get no feedback.  

 

I dont know how to to move forward with no direction being conveyed by my better half and I love her so damn much I don’t want to lose her.  I just don’t feel wanted or desired and any time I try to convey those feelings or seek reassurance I get shut down mode from her.  Do I have anything I can do?  How long do I wait? What time frame should I expect for her to come to terms with her actions and her choices and if she now decides to be asexual what can I do to support that or so I need to walk away? I think attempted cheating would indicate she is not asexual and she is toting the line because she has lost interest in being sexual with me.  Maybe because of guilt or that I was emotionally devastated when I found out 5 months in and her second guy.  She even bought toys to do things with these people.  I appreciate any and all perspectives and or thoughts. Thanks for reading this.  

Perhaps the ‘attempted cheating’ was a grasp for straws to see if the desire could be there, just not with you. If she is asexual, then desire for you is off the table. Doesnt mean that you guys cant have a nice time together and even enjoy sex.

[Guest]

Ok, if she is asexual, she isn't "now deciding to be" anything... she just is and is now coming to terms with how she feels. 

 

However, I find it odd she found people and bought sex toys to try to be sexual with them. 

 

The only way to fix broken trust or such a big incompatibility is open communication. I'd get into marriage counseling of some sort. 

 

 

[Telecaster68]

On 5/24/2018 at 6:34 AM, Sunandfun said:

I think attempted cheating would indicate she is not asexual and she is toting the line because she has lost interest in being sexual with me.  Maybe because of guilt or that I was emotionally devastated when I found out 5 months in and her second guy.

She's not asexual. She just doesn't want sex with you.

[James121]

On 5/24/2018 at 6:34 AM, Sunandfun said:

Good late night, 

 

my my wife and I have been married 3 years and 4 months in a relationship in which we were both sexual.  She is changing herself. And saying she is asexual or doesn’t have desire for sex. Uninterested is the word she used.  We had some medical problems that limited sex after our first child and then we had some attempted cheating that followed.  I took the medical issues to be the cause of her low libido and tried to come to terms with that until i found out about the attempted cheating.  I then went through the range of emotions from not good enough to mad at her because she gave me no responses in the form of “I don’t know” to any of my questions.  She still does refuse to talk about it and to communicate or convey her feelings.  I try to be supportive but I feel like I get no where as I get no feedback.  

 

I dont know how to to move forward with no direction being conveyed by my better half and I love her so damn much I don’t want to lose her.  I just don’t feel wanted or desired and any time I try to convey those feelings or seek reassurance I get shut down mode from her.  Do I have anything I can do?  How long do I wait? What time frame should I expect for her to come to terms with her actions and her choices and if she now decides to be asexual what can I do to support that or so I need to walk away? I think attempted cheating would indicate she is not asexual and she is toting the line because she has lost interest in being sexual with me.  Maybe because of guilt or that I was emotionally devastated when I found out 5 months in and her second guy.  She even bought toys to do things with these people.  I appreciate any and all perspectives and or thoughts. Thanks for reading this.  

This is the classic sexless marriage. If you want you can leave, cheat or suffer. Each have advantages and disadvantages.

Word of warning. If you stay and suffer long enough it will become the classic sexless shithole marriage because she uses the word “uninterested” when it comes to sex.

whoops! Uninterested in something that you are unhappy without. Classic selfish spouse!

Soon enough you will be uninterested in all the things that are important to her. 

[InariYana]

I... don't think she's asexual. 

Looks like she desires sex, just not with you and, I know, that sucks.

I certainly did not have any interest in anything sexual involving other people when I was married. I had to deal with all that sex WITHIN my marriage and that was already too much 

[m&m]

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[Guest]

It's possible she could be ace and just seeking a way to "fix", but it just seems odd you'd risk your marriage by cheating, if you're not into sex. I had lots of sex cause I was told it was normal, my partners were just bad it, etc. So, I get that. But, I never would have risked my long-term relationships for it, cause the entire reason I wanted to learn to like sex is so I could please them and be good enough for them, which cheating on them would have defeated the purpose. I could see it with more casual less long-term relationships, but a long-term one that you married the person for? 

[anisotrophic]

I'm sorry. It's lovely to think this is a poor confused soul, but this is a lot of red flags.

 

The only way I'd be able to treat a claim of "ace, but I still want to be with you" with credibility, in the face of cheating & non-communication, would be if the person is in therapy over it.

 

(To rephrase: it's not just the cheating. Add to that "non-communication" and what sounds like "no therapy", it's sketchy AF.)

[Sunandfun]

Thank you all for your responses,  I appreciate those given and if anyone else wants to chime in, please do so.   If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

 

I think I am starting to feel detached a bit.  Still trying to make it work but the harm and feelings I had that were not good are starting to become “I don’t cares”.  I don’t want them to be and the sad part is we still haven’t communicated any more than for her to say “it’s getting better”.   

 

I’m still trying to understand and be understanding.  I just don’t want to be different then I am by not giving a f*ck by the time she comes around to wanting to be open and communicating. 

[Chihiro]

On 5/28/2018 at 6:35 AM, Sunandfun said:

I think I am starting to feel detached a bit.  Still trying to make it work but the harm and feelings I had that were not good are starting to become “I don’t cares”.  I don’t want them to be and the sad part is we still haven’t communicated any more than for her to say “it’s getting better”.  

I think its pretty natural to feel that way. When relationship issues are not resolved as soon as possible, your mind will accept it as unsolvable problem and give up. The good part is, it will make it easy for you to break up. The bad part is, it will be like climbing a mountain should you decide to make your relationship work- its like starting all over again and unless your partner does something to impress/attract you, you won't feel the same again. Good luck!

[m&m]

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[Telecaster68]

1 minute ago, mzmolly65 said:

Any problem can be over come if two people choose to over come it. 

From what you've said, I'd guess he might well be feeling you've discovered you can't bring yourself to actually paddle in any meaningful way any more. 

[m&m]

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[Telecaster68]

You were very actively sexual before him, and now, from his perspective, you feel comfortable enough to unilaterally change a fundamental part of the basis of your marriage and then rage against him when he objects. You've opted out of paddling - ie working on the relationship. 

[m&m]

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[Telecaster68]

You're refusing to even countenance compromise. 

[m&m]

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[Telecaster68]

I'm going by your posts. 

 

So how are you willing to compromise to do your part in working on your marriage? 

[WünderBâhr]

Getting back on topic, since this is about the OP's concerns.... 

 

@Sunandfun, it sounds like a pretty challenging situation to be in. Truthfully, no one can give you the one-stop shop answer to resolving the problems you and your wife have been having. All we can do is speak from our own perspectives and hope that it is beneficial to you. 

 

It's sometimes a bit off-putting to hear people talk about sex and compromise, because that looks totally different to everyone. But that puts the onus on communication being vital, in any relationship. If she's not willing to talk to you about things, then that leaves you to consider what you can and want to do about that. It's obvious that you have feelings for her/the relationship enough to discuss these issues and concerns with strangers on the 'net.

 

Do you mind if I ask a few questions for clarification? If they are too personal, or you don't want to/aren't comfortable answering, I will totally respect that. 

 

You said that she shuts down when you try to express your feelings about these things. How does she shut down? How do you express your thoughts/feelings to her? Have you considered or brought up the idea of yourself or both of you receiving some form of counseling to help with the communication breakdown?

 

You both deserve to be in a happy, healthy, mutually beneficial relationships, if that's what you want and need. However this moves forward, I hope it works out for the best for both of you, whatever that may look like. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I know it couldn't have been easy. 

[Cobie]

It was just a personal opinion, but I have removed this  post now. Because everyone is different, doing the best they can do in their particular circumstances. 🍰

[WünderBâhr]

11 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

Ha, ha, that seems so funny to me. You can’t “work” on a marriage, if work is needed, you are imho simply not compatible. A marriage is to be enjoyed. 

Financial problems, medical issues, and other external circumstances can also put a strain on what would be considered otherwise compatible and healthy relationships. The idea of "work" in marriage or any relationship is in recognizing unfortunate circumstances for what they are and come to an (hopefully mutual) agreement about what the individuals involved want to do about it.

 

It's not always as simple as "enjoying" the good, bc the reality is that there's a likelihood people will run into problems (of any/all sorts) along the way. In this thread, the OP wants to work through the problems because they still see value in the relationship. I don't think that effort should be dismissed, entirely, regardless of the end result, bc that is something they actively want and are choosing to do. 

[Sunandfun]

@Thea2 I think telecaster68’s comment was directed to mzmolly65.  

 

[anamikanon]

I am in a similar situation. 4 years into a long distance relationship with regular sex when we were together, he finally moves in with me and BOOM. He's asexual.

 

Been through a lot in these last five months. And still have no perfect answers.

 

Right now our relationship is a QPR. I no longer feel attracted to someone who does not desire me. That isn't how sex works for me, though he is happy to stimulate me sexually as long as his body is not involved. I figure I can do that better. He insists he gets joy from giving me pleasure, but I don't feel pleasure from being "serviced" when I need it. Initially, it worked. Probably because both of us wanted it to work. Also our relationship is pretty good apart from the sexual mismatch.

 

The best I can describe our situation now is that I am living with a good friend. Someone I trust and am completely comfortable with, including nudity, but I simply don't find him attractive anymore. For the emotional purposes of an intimate relationship, I've gone through the stages of grief identical to a break off where you get dumped without warning. I am still coping.

 

I still trust him, I am comfortable with him, I simply don't see him as an intimate partner anymore. We sleep in the same bed. I turn to him in my grief over being dumped. It is hard for him too. He does NOT want to dump me and on his end, he isn't, but on my end, it works out like that anyway.

 

Initially, we both wanted to keep the sex alive to whatever extent possible, but I simply stopped finding him attractive. I am actually slightly repulsed by the idea of sex with him now though I suppose I am comfortable enough with him that it wouldn't be traumatic - but he definitely isn't on my to-do list. Indifferent.

 

He's mostly okay with this (since the companionship the relationship is reduced to is all that he wants anyway), but he still feels a sense of loss that he describes as a "phantom pain". He does not want to lose my love, and he HATES that his asexuality is costing him in terms of distance in how I see him. He is content, the relationship is as he wishes it, but he feels like he failed me. He HATES seeing me in pain. At the same time, while he is happy to have sex with me if I want it, I don't want it. In my mind, it is OVER. I'm living with a friend. I don't mind living with a friend, but this person no longer feels like a lover.

 

It sucks, but it the friendship is good. But then, the "sex" had also felt good - "better than nothing" till I no longer wanted it.

 

I am basically going through stages of grief and where we are going with this relationship will only be clear after the dust settles. Not expecting any miracles of clarity for another few months at least, if the recovery over the last few months is any indication. It is an unexpected quantity of shit to go through given that we are still living together and very much in each other's lives.

 

The only useful thing I have to say at this point is to go through everything you feel, do what you need to do till a time comes when you feel at peace. Then look for where you are headed to know.

[anamikanon]

1 hour ago, Thea2 said:

Ha, ha, that seems so funny to me. You can’t “work” on a marriage, if work is needed, you are imho simply not compatible. A marriage is to be enjoyed. 

In my view, every relationship needs work. Some of it is easy, some of it is hard. You take enjoyment of a relationship for granted, once the "honeymoon" is over and the natural differences between two people start being noticed, you're headed for trouble.

 

Any relationship. Friendship, couple, marriage, employment, parenting....

[Sunandfun]

55 minutes ago, WünderBâhr said:

Getting back on topic, since this is about the OP's concerns.... 

 

@Sunandfun, it sounds like a pretty challenging situation to be in. Truthfully, no one can give you the one-stop shop answer to resolving the problems you and your wife have been having. All we can do is speak from our own perspectives and hope that it is beneficial to you. 

 

It's sometimes a bit off-putting to hear people talk about sex and compromise, because that looks totally different to everyone. But that puts the onus on communication being vital, in any relationship. If she's not willing to talk to you about things, then that leaves you to consider what you can and want to do about that. It's obvious that you have feelings for her/the relationship enough to discuss these issues and concerns with strangers on the 'net.

 

Do you mind if I ask a few questions for clarification? If they are too personal, or you don't want to/aren't comfortable answering, I will totally respect that. 

 

You said that she shuts down when you try to express your feelings about these things. How does she shut down? How do you express your thoughts/feelings to her? Have you considered or brought up the idea of yourself or both of you receiving some form of counseling to help with the communication breakdown?

 

You both deserve to be in a happy, healthy, mutually beneficial relationships, if that's what you want and need. However this moves forward, I hope it works out for the best for both of you, whatever that may look like. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I know it couldn't have been easy. 

I have suggested counseling and met with the response of “if you think you need counseling you should go”.  She so far has refused to go to counseling or to find a good counselor. Now for fairness we did go to a marriage counselor twice and the counselor dropped us on the third visit by text 10 minutes before the scheduled session.  She does not believe counseling is needed and believes we can get past her cheating by just letting it go.  At least that is my take based on her responses of I don’t know.

 

her responses tend to be silence and staring at me or “I don’t know”.  She says she takes the blame of cheating but has offered no reasons for doing it or preventing doing it in the future.  I would like to just have direction, no matter which way it goes, on the matter. 

 

Blame, I feel is the first step.  The second is discussing what caused it and what actions need to be taken to prevent it.  

 

I’ve approached her in multiple ways, face to face seems to be the hardest.  Facebook messenger gets some responses but not to the heart of the actions or what matters to me “ knowing that we are both in for resolving and moving forward taking action to prevent further pain and mistrust”.  We used to be so good together but at some point she diverged and I don’t know when that happened and/or why.  There maybe things I won’t get answers for but I feel that’s a cop out.  People know what they are doing or why they choose to do things unless there is a mental issue.  

 

I usually approach from a “let’s better our relationship” standpoint but i admit sometimes I feel when she is not answering or is “shutdown” ( sitting in silence, staring into space) that my feelings don’t matter and I’m not being considered and I can get accusatory.  She cheated and I’m the bad guy/ guilty one for wanting resolution even though I am trying everything I can to save my marriage to the love of my life and our family. 

 

Most guys I know would just leave.  Most girls I know would do the same.  Nobody deserves that but for me, I’ve invested so much and just want her to make a decision to re-commit or end it and stop dragging this out by dancing around it and ignoring the pain she caused.  

 

Also I feel nobody in a marriage has the unilateral power to change the dynamic of said relationship. It’s not “I’m changing and you can either accept or leave”,  we agreed to live and grow together as a married monogamous couple making decisions and entertaining our lives together.  Compromise is part of it and I don’t feel her compromising on things.  She has gone though secret cheating and then trying to get me to allow her to openly cheat more by saying she wanted to explore polyamory while secretly talking to another guy waiting in the wings to then saying she is asexual and she has threatened and even said she wanted a divorce and then said she didn’t and doesn’t. 

 

I just want to build up and continue to love this woman as much as I did but I don’t think she wants that and I can’t get an answer either way so I am stuck in limbo hoping a miracle will happen. 

[Cobie]

 

Quote

... I turn to him in my grief over being dumped ...

@anamikanon  Imho, it cannot work, to turn for help to the very person that causes the grief.  It will create a vicious circle.  It is of the utmost importance  to find an independent source of help for yourself from outside the relationship, e.g. therapy.