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Awalker

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Sorry, this will be a long post. It’s the first time I have opened up about this and I have not spoken to anyone about this. I’m a 39 year old woman who’s been married almost 5 years and been with my husband for about 8 years. I’m a very sexual person and my husband has a very low sex drive. Since we have been married we have probably had sex about  10 times. He does  not seem to think it is a problem although he says he would like more sex as we would like another child but also for the closeness. Before we married we did not have much sex but there always seemed to be a reason - long hours at work, too

much to drink etc. I have always had a high sex drive and frankly I cannot live like this. We recently went on holiday and the one time we tried to have sex he  could not maintain an erection. In fact I can only remember 2 occasions in the past few years  when he has actually climaxed. He never bothers to make me climax. I have suggested counselling but he refused saying it’s just that he is tired. We have a daughter who was conceived on our honeymoon. Honestly, she’s a miracle as we had sex one day  on our honeymoon and probably ten times since in 5 years. I’m at the end of my tether. He does not admit he is asexual or homosexual - I’ve asked him. He refuses counselling. I live him dearly but I do not want to go the rest of my life with no sex when I know it gives me so much pleasure. I love him dearly and I do not want to have an affair (although I have had many chances). Please. What can I do? I am so depressed. I have tried dressing up in sexy underwear, cooking nice meals etc. Whenever I try to seduce him he is too tired he says. I feel unattractive and sad. 

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20 minutes ago, Awalker said:

I have suggested counselling but he refused saying it’s just that he is tired.

Would he be willing to seek out counselling if it wasn't about the sex specifically?  Sometimes people who are depressed or stressed feel too tired to do things they would otherwise enjoy.  Maybe if he felt better, he'd want more sex.

 

Some people find scheduling sex to be helpful.  Others find it a turn-off, or feel their schedule and mood are too unpredictable to schedule sex.  If you scheduled time for sex and he couldn't get an erection, would you still want him to help you climax (e.g. with fingers or a toy)?  One of my friends likes to cuddle his girlfriend and hold a sex toy for her while she rubs herself against it, when he's too tired to do much for sex.  Does that interest you?

 

22 minutes ago, Awalker said:

I feel unattractive and sad. 

This is a common way to feel.  Being frequently rejected by a spouse can be really hard.  Try to remind yourself that his lack of interest doesn't mean you're not gorgeous and sexy.  That it's about him and not you.  And it's okay to feel sad about not having the relationship you'd hoped.

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Bandrailian

Sometimes certain health, mental, or sexual conditions can have an effect on an individual's libido. A man who has troubles maintaining an erection and feels like less of a man because of it isn't going to want to have sex or talk about it. The aspect of always being tired, that could be medical. Is he aware of the definition of asexuality, or is he the type of man who would feel embarrassed about it? Sex is normally considered a very important part of manhood, and not wanting it can be scary for a man.

 

2 hours ago, Awalker said:

He does  not seem to think it is a problem although he says he would like more sex as we would like another child but also for the closeness

This suggests that he does realize it is important to you, and he may recognize there is a problem for you. He might also be struggling to find an answer himself, because he is either uninterested in sex or the performance aspect of it. As element83 said though: it's him, not you.

Ask him something simple like "how he feels when he..." to get a better perspective of how he's feeling at various times. He may be tired all the time, and you've only noticed it during sexy times.

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