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Possibly Genderfluid & I Don't Know What To Do


SHOOOKOH

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Hey all.

 

So as the topic title states I feel like I possibly am genderfluid but am unsure of the next step or even of my current position. I'll share my backstory to maybe get some better guidance on this matter.

 

So ever since I was a little cis girl I wanted to be a boy. I used to be bullied for it and it led me to hide myself and just be the stereotypical tomboy. In high school I came out as a trans guy but eventually realized I felt like the girl I was born as at times but not all the time. I also have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and my two alters happen to be male but they also like to flux and flow from male to female though mostly staying male (I know many can't relate to having DID but I figured I should throw that in there since that's part of my life and it affects how I feel when asked about my gender.) I never got nor get mad at people when they think I'm male online or irl when I'm really a cis girl because I never fully accepted I was a cis girl. Sometimes I do get pissed but only when I know I'd be treated more nicely if people knew I was a girl despite not really feeling like a girl. 

 

I thought maybe I was agendered or something like that but I feel like a guy a lot along with the sex I was assigned at birth: female. I tried to come out to my parents in high school but being unsure about it made that bumpy plus my parents weren't having it as many of you can probably relate to (sadly, of course). My mom never wanted me to bind my chest because my breasts are too big and would sometimes call me names to get me to 'change my mind' or whatever. To this day I wish to bind my chest at times since my breasts are rather annoying and I never liked them. My father just never understood my position at all about anything.

 

I thought maybe after my DID diagnosis that it was just my alters being male making me feel like a guy but even my alters deal with wanting to be a girl at times and don't feel completely male or female. They tend to be just 'mostly male and slightly female' if that makes any sense. All parts of me feel equally about that like there's a percentage of genders in me. 70% male to 30% female would have to be how my gender identity feels to me most of the time though it sometimes flips to 70% female and 30% male but only rarely and it's usually forced since I was born a girl and I wanted to not rock the boat any more than I already have. 

 

I remember going to a therapist when I first started high school for depression and anxiety reasons and we talked about it along with gender identity disorder but eventually I flipped the script since he was being not understanding of my position and I didn't want to slow dance over it anymore since it was going nowhere. By 'going nowhere' I mean I didn't get any support for it and my parents never helped me along although my dad was in sessions with me. Both of my parents along with my doctor(s) thought it was a phase. The usual bullshit, I know lol

 

I never fully confronted this because I didn't know how and frankly I still don't know how. I feel like I'm genderfluid that tends to be more male than female despite being born a female. What do I do now? What labels are there to use? Since I always felt more male than female I thought just being a trans guy would be my answer but for me it was like when you force a puzzle piece that sorta fits and does fit but isn't actually the right piece. I just know I can't hide and fake being a cis girl anymore. I miss that feeling of being called a 'he' or 'sir' and feeling comfortable for once. 

 

I just don't know what to do. Please....Anyone out there....HELP!!!! I'm so lost 😰

 

 

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ChickenPadSeeEew

Genderfluid? (To capture the changeability)

Bigender or Polygender  (To capture the variety. You could add the word boy. I've used bigender girl before).

Bigenderfluid.

Bigenderfluid boy.

Genderfluid boy.

Transboy.

Transmasculine (if your guyness feels "masculine" to you).

Mascflux (if the intensity changes).

Duragender boy (if boy is mostly it).

 

I actually don't know that much about genders beyond the above! Maybe consult this list of genders: https://ageofshitlords.com/list-of-all-tumblr-genders-so-far

Or this one: https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.wattpad.com/amp/341462536

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I just went with the flow and didnt stress about it too much when I was gender fluid. I dressed however I wanted based on how I was feeling. 

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