Asexual after motherhood

[Bonnie Bay]

My interest in sex declined over the first 6 years of my marriage and disappeared completely on the arrival of my first child. It's been 7 years, two more children and no interest in sex. I've had the odd interest here and there. I became very interested in sex during my last pregnancy which indicates that my lack of libido might be hormonal. How do I know if it's just my hormones or if it's my sexual orientation? Or if it is a hormonal imbalance causing this particular sexual orientation, would I still be considered asexual until my hormones balance out? The main reason I ask is that I have a very loving and supportive partner and I would like to give share his enthusiasm for physical intimacy. We have a good line of communication and talk about it frequently.

[Telecaster68]

2 minutes ago, Bonnie Bay said:

How do I know if it's just my hormones or if it's my sexual orientation?

Blood test? It won't be definitive (it could still be tiredness, illness, psychological) but if your hormone levels are normal you'll know it isn't just hormones.

[Bonnie Bay]

Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Blood test? It won't be definitive (it could still be tiredness, illness, psychological) but if your hormone levels are normal you'll know it isn't just hormones.

Problem is that I'm breastfeeding so I have to wait until that's finished to get a good indication. In the meantime, I'm stuck feeling at least like I'm asexual until I know for sure.

[Telecaster68]

I think there's a well established connection between hormone levels dropping (and with it, libido) and breastfeeding. You could probably find more with some googling.

[Claire1983]

Definitely talk to your doctor.  They would be able to give you a better idea of what might be going on and how to address it.

[Tunhope]

@Bonnie BayI appreciate that similar experiences can have very different causes. Nevertheless.... my interest in partnered sex stopped entirely when I had my second child 40  years ago. I still care about my husband very much but... I believe that asexuality not a hormonal/ emotionally induced libido drop was the root of it all.

Ever since I was a small child I've had vivid 3rd person fantasies, exclusively about men. I still have them. I now know there's a label within asexuality for people like me, aegosexuality, and I can see I've been aegosexual all my life. I just wonder if, looking back, you can see any signs that might suggest that asexuality as an orientation rather than your more recent circumstances (childbirth) is responsible for your lack of interest in sex. (No matter if there aren't  any such signs: it just helped me to understand things when I saw there were)

I do hope you can sort things out happily for both of you.

[Telecaster68]

6 minutes ago, Tunhope said:

@Bonnie BayI appreciate that similar experiences can have very different causes. Nevertheless.... my interest in partnered sex stopped entirely when I had my second child 40  years ago. I still care about my husband very much but... I believe that asexuality not a hormonal/ emotionally induced libido drop was the root of it all.

Ever since I was a small child I've had vivid 3rd person fantasies, exclusively about men. I still have them. I now know there's a label within asexuality for people like me, aegosexuality, and I can see I've been aegosexual all my life. I just wonder if, looking back, you can see any signs that might suggest that asexuality as an orientation rather than your more recent circumstances (childbirth) is responsible for your lack of interest in sex. (No matter if there aren't  any such signs: it just helped me to understand things when I saw there were)

I do hope you can sort things out happily for both of you.

This is true, but loss of libido while breastfeeding is more common than not, while asexuality is very rare. Jumping to unlikely conclusions isn't going to help anyone. 

[Tunhope]

which is why I said that similar experiences can have different causes. 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

This is true, but loss of libido while breastfeeding is more common than not, while asexuality is very rare. Jumping to unlikely conclusions isn't going to help anyone. 

If I read the original post right the loss of interest started after the first child and never came back... depending on how long the OP breastfed each child that may not (or may) be a likely reason.

[Bonnie Bay]

4 hours ago, Tunhope said:

@Bonnie BayI appreciate that similar experiences can have very different causes. Nevertheless.... my interest in partnered sex stopped entirely when I had my second child 40  years ago. I still care about my husband very much but... I believe that asexuality not a hormonal/ emotionally induced libido drop was the root of it all.

Ever since I was a small child I've had vivid 3rd person fantasies, exclusively about men. I still have them. I now know there's a label within asexuality for people like me, aegosexuality, and I can see I've been aegosexual all my life. I just wonder if, looking back, you can see any signs that might suggest that asexuality as an orientation rather than your more recent circumstances (childbirth) is responsible for your lack of interest in sex. (No matter if there aren't  any such signs: it just helped me to understand things when I saw there were)

I do hope you can sort things out happily for both of you.

Looking up aegosexuality fits with me during those years of declining interest. The only way I could have sex with my husband was via 3rd person fantasy. But since the birth of my most recent child, that no longer works and I have no interest in anything including fantasy. I appreciate that my experience may not be asexuality because it may be hormone related but until I determine that, I feel I can relate to the feelings of asexual people and particularly the problems they have with their sexual partners. I hope I can remain here to feel a level of support and understanding. 

[Bonnie Bay]

3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

If I read the original post right the loss of interest started after the first child and never came back... depending on how long the OP breastfed each child that may not (or may) be a likely reason.

Yes I don't think it was breastfeeding exactly because I have not been breastfeeding for 7 years. I have had periods of breastfeeding and pregnancy over the last 7 years. But it's possible that the changes in hormones required for pregnancy and breastfeeding became out of balance and never returned to whatever "normal" is. It's also complicated because I have experienced D-MER which is dysphoric milk ejection reflex. When my milk lets down, my hormones do something they shouldn't and invoke feels of disgust and shame in me. It's not known how common this experience is, they used to say it was a very small percentage but also found that is may be very under-reported. It seems that my sexual orientation and experiences with hormones are very entangled. Before my interest in sex started declining I would have classed myself as straight with bisexual interests, only that I was attracted to the female form as well as male but had no interest in having an actual experience with a female.

[James121]

Doesn’t sound like asexuality to me. Your libido has gone (most likely due to having children) but your sexual orientation doesn’t change as a result of having kids.

[ryn2]

Do you think you were aegosexual before having your first child?

[Bonnie Bay]

3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Do you think you were aegosexual before having your first child?

I think so? These definitions are all very new to me so I could be using the wrong words. I haven't had much interest in sex since having my first child 7 years ago. In order to still have physical intimacy with my husband, third party fantasy was the only way I could arouse myself enough to have sex. Now that I've had my third child, that no longer works and I have no interest in sex at all. It's hard for me to know how much of my feelings about sexual orientation are actually being driven by my hormones and I think this problem is more widely spread among mothers than we realise.

[Bonnie Bay]

4 hours ago, James121 said:

Doesn’t sound like asexuality to me. Your libido has gone (most likely due to having children) but your sexual orientation doesn’t change as a result of having kids.

What does change sexual orientation? I understand that it is fluid but do we know what causes a person to go in one direction and then another? Why couldn't hormones be a part of the reason?

[James121]

On 5/24/2018 at 4:14 AM, Bonnie Bay said:

What does change sexual orientation? I understand that it is fluid but do we know what causes a person to go in one direction and then another? Why couldn't hormones be a part of the reason?

I think social acceptance or expectations may take you one way before you choose another but hormones in my opinion is not a change of sexual orientation. It’s potentially the loss of one.