No one I know or meet is ok with me and im tired

[Roidgy]

I've been asexual as long as i can remember and i remember feeling romantic attraction once or twice in my life. When i came out to my boyfriend, he said he felt like the unluckiest person in the world. A few days after I came out to my girlfriend, she started saying some very angry things about me not wanting to have sex with her. My old friends hate asexuals and i don't feel very safe around them, and every time i tried making new friends i felt too scared to come out to them. Eventually i found out that all of them also dislike asexuals or are close friends with someone who also feels that way, and i end up not feeling comfortable with them anymore. I came out to my family (im stupid, i know) and they fist said that i must be lying, then said that hopefully ill change when i grow up (i'm 19). 

 

The only other asexual i know has stopped talking to me (they're autistic and have trouble communicating with others for long periods of time) and i have no one else in my life now.

 

The only person i still talk to is my boyfriend. Its been almost 5 years since i came out to him, and every time i try to talk to him about it he says that he doesn't remember saying that and that he probably didn't mean it, but i know he'd still be much happier if i wasn't.

 

I really wish i was something else, but i know conversion therapy doesn't work and i can't afford flibanserin.

 

I don't know if i should see a sex therapist or anything, i have nothing else to do or anyone to turn to and i'm tired.

 

I've avoided coming here for a long time, i don't know why, it just felt kind of wrong for me to be here. I have no doubts i'm asexual or anything, i just feel like i'm supposed to be miserable until i change.

 

I know i should've probably ended with a question or something but i cant think of one, sorry

[An_Ace_Of_Hearts]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about all of this >_<. Just know now that you are not alone. I don't think you need to see a sex therapist. If you identify as asexual, then that's how you feel. No one else can change that. You're you.

 

It isn't wrong for you to be here. This is a place of support and comfort. It's what we're all here for. We pick each other up.

 

I know it's pretty hard now, not having anyone accept you. I can understand how that feels.

 

Your boyfriend was wrong for what he said. Being asexual doesn't make you any less human, and he, along with your friends, should accept you for who you are.

 

I'm fifteen and am still trying to figure myself out, so I'm not sure if the advice I'm giving is the greatest, but just know that we're all here for you!

 

Best of luck !

[Roidgy]

thanks, it means a lot to me :y even if i didnt get advice it still feels nice to talk to people that arent disgusted with me

(hueh... i dont know if i can ping people or anything.... i havent used a forum for years)

Ironically i felt a lot better about it when i was younger and hadnt come out to a lot of people yet. Hope everything goes well for you!

[Lichley]

You could always try meeting with some more asexuals using Meetup Mart. They’ll support your asexuality  

[Spring.Gan]

🍰🍰🍰

An_Ace_Of_Hearts is right, we're all here for you. 😀

To me it sounds like your boyfriend really loves you and he probably made a lot of effort to understand you. What he said about him being the unluckiest person in the world was probably just him being really confused and unsure. Don't let what he said back then make you feel like he's unhappy with you, because people do say hurtful things accidentally when they are confused and unsure about how to react and they often don't remember what they said afterwards. Don't worry about whether your boyfriend would be happier without you, that is one burden you definitely have no reason to carry around.

[Kylocks]

I agree that you definitely don't need to see a sex therapist if you identify as ace unless you are completely comfortable doing so and wish to. If you're asexual, well, you're asexual. It's a part of you, not a treatable mental disorder, and that doesn't make you any less of a person. 

 

AVEN makes it easier for ace people to meet and talk. Off of this site I have never met another ace person, and I still find it difficult to talk to people on this site sometimes and I'm quite certain I'm not the only one lacking a bustling ace community in the neighborhood, so people here can definitely relate to feeling like the only one in a world of many others. If you are going through a rough patch and need support, not necessarily answers, don't hesitate to reach out. 

 

Also, An_Ace_Of_Hearts, just because you're 15 doesn't make your advice, thoughts, or feelings any less valid then anyone else's. In fact I'd say that your advice/insights are a heck of a lot better then a lot of adult people can offer. 

[Telecaster68]

Why is it okay to invalidate the boyfriend's feelings? He felt what he felt at the time, even if he's changed now. 

[InariYana]

4 hours ago, Roidgy said:

My old friends hate asexuals and i don't feel very safe around them, and every time i tried making new friends i felt too scared to come out to them. Eventually i found out that all of them also dislike asexuals or are close friends with someone who also feels that way, and i end up not feeling comfortable with them anymore. I came out to my family (im stupid, i know) and they fist said that i must be lying, then said that hopefully ill change when i grow up (i'm 19). 

 

I never understood this negativity people have towards others simply because they're asexual. Like, what's the bloody harm in not wanting to have sex?

Okay, it's often a big problem to both sides if they're in a mixed sexual-ace relationship and I'm not talking about it here... but friends?! Family?? Why do they care? 

 

It was really easy for me to come out as pan-romantic, although one person jokingly called me "greedy", but yes it was a joke, we laughed. Awesome. Coming out as asexual? Negativity, confusion, "yeah, yeah, whatever, I don't believe you", "what a waste of a good body". I really avoid talking to people about it in "real" life. 

 

My great-aunt never married and never had any interest in boyfriends/girlfriends or having children. She was beautiful and kind, very helpful to her family and neighbours, a lovely great-aunt to us... nobody was giving her any grief about the fact she rejected sex and marriage. That's how she wanted to live and people (in a small village, where 99% people were tradition-loving Catholics!) accepted her.

What the hell has gone wrong in our times? Sometimes I blame consumption-driven society... if an asexual person is NOT a potential object of anyone's sexual "consumption", maybe that provokes a negative reaction? This... unavailability? Maybe some folks think we're denying them sex because "in reality" we're not asexual - we're controlling, super selfish, emotionally cold b*tch£s that won't share our bodies with them so they can get their satisfaction? Because they think they're somehow entitled to these bodies? No idea...

There must be an undercurrent of some really strong, negative emotions in these people, otherwise they'd just react with "asexual? cool, fine" or maybe want to explore the topic out of curiosity and wish to understand the other person better.  

Sorry for the rant :/ 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, @Roidgy ... you are never alone here, *hugs*, and I do hope you'll find acceptance among your friends and family (or make new friends, who will accept you wholly!)          

[Roidgy]

Thanks for the advice everyone, i dont have the energy to reply individually but i hope you all know i really appreciate it

12 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why is it okay to invalidate the boyfriend's feelings? He felt what he felt at the time, even if he's changed now. 

Which is why ive always wanted to try to change for him. i still had sex with him whenever he wanted so i still dont really understand , i probably made him feel unloved, but then later i made him angry by being "too lovey dovey" so i really dont know. And every time i asked what he meant he just says he doesnt remember, so all i can do is try my best to change for him. Id appreciate some insight

[amat96]

On 5/23/2018 at 5:31 AM, Roidgy said:

I've been asexual as long as i can remember and i remember feeling romantic attraction once or twice in my life. When i came out to my boyfriend, he said he felt like the unluckiest person in the world. A few days after I came out to my girlfriend, she started saying some very angry things about me not wanting to have sex with her. My old friends hate asexuals and i don't feel very safe around them, and every time i tried making new friends i felt too scared to come out to them. Eventually i found out that all of them also dislike asexuals or are close friends with someone who also feels that way, and i end up not feeling comfortable with them anymore. I came out to my family (im stupid, i know) and they fist said that i must be lying, then said that hopefully ill change when i grow up (i'm 19). 

 

The only other asexual i know has stopped talking to me (they're autistic and have trouble communicating with others for long periods of time) and i have no one else in my life now.

 

The only person i still talk to is my boyfriend. Its been almost 5 years since i came out to him, and every time i try to talk to him about it he says that he doesn't remember saying that and that he probably didn't mean it, but i know he'd still be much happier if i wasn't.

 

I really wish i was something else, but i know conversion therapy doesn't work and i can't afford flibanserin.

 

I don't know if i should see a sex therapist or anything, i have nothing else to do or anyone to turn to and i'm tired.

 

I've avoided coming here for a long time, i don't know why, it just felt kind of wrong for me to be here. I have no doubts i'm asexual or anything, i just feel like i'm supposed to be miserable until i change.

 

I know i should've probably ended with a question or something but i cant think of one, sorry

Honestly I feel like the best way to make new friends is to just not come out to them as asexual unless you know their they'll be accepting. 

 

You are who you are and there's no need to try to change yourself just to fit in with other people's ignorant viewpoints, you also most definitely shouldn't be miserable for being ace.

 

I also know how hard it is coming and commenting on here so well done for doing that. I had the same issue with feeling that I shouldn't be talking about this and I'm still in an incognito window and am avoiding using it when people are around because so far I've only come out to my brother about being acearo. 

 

Also as for the whole "you'll change when you get older" thing, I'm 21 and I recently heard someone say the same to me (I didn't come out as aro to them but I kind of hinted to it), I think the time for me to feel it would have come by now lol.

[Madao]

I am sorry for you. As many others commented above, you don't need to see a sex therapist. Asexuality is not a disease, it's just the way you are. I hate it when people revolve their whole lives around sex. If your friends don't understand you and don't accept you for who you are, they are not true friends. It's better to be friendless than have such friends. About your boyfriend, saying that he was the unluckiest person is a bit harsh in my opinion. I know not everyone is accepting, but it's better not to hurt the other person's feelings. 

I understand how much you must be feeling alone. In case you feel lonely, you can always find friends here on AVEN! Don't hesitate to bump in a message to me

Regarding the grow up thing, well, I always questioned how straight people knew they were straight right from their birth. As they know their orientation during their teenage, similarly, asexual people know they are like this during the same age. I doubt myself a lot too, thanks to this. I am still 18, and I have come out to my sister. I tried to come out to my parents but got instantly rejected and laughed at. 

[Bronztrooper]

It really sucks that you've been through that, OP.  Like others have said, you're not alone and you don't need to see a sex therapist.

 

One thing I'm curious about is that you said your old friends hate and don't feel safe around asexuals.  Did they ever explain why they thought that way?  The latter part especially confuses me.  🤨

[Roidgy]

@Bronztrooper

sorry if i phrased it weird, i meant to say my old friends strongly dislike asexuals, and this makes me feel unsafe around my friends.

they would always make fun of asexuals and say the usual stuff like "people that dont like sex are boring, asexuals are just straight people trying to special, asexuals are inherently abusive to their partners, asexuals are a stupid group of people who just want a reason to complain, asexuals are just pedophiles and rapists, etc"

 

i just started feeling really sad whenever i was around them and i couldnt really talk about myself that much so i jst :/ stopped hanging out

[Bronztrooper]

2 minutes ago, Roidgy said:

@Bronztrooper

sorry if i phrased it weird, i meant to say my old friends strongly dislike asexuals, and this makes me feel unsafe around my friends.

they would always make fun of asexuals and say the usual stuff like "people that dont like sex are boring, asexuals are just straight people trying to special, asexuals are inherently abusive to their partners, asexuals are a stupid group of people who just want a reason to complain, asexuals are just pedophiles and rapists, etc"

 

i just started feeling really sad whenever i was around them and i couldnt really talk about myself that much so i jst 😕 stopped hanging out

Oohhh.

 

My bad, I misread what you typed.

[waddiwasi]

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. The others have already told you, but I think it can't be repeated enough: You are not alone.

 

On 5/23/2018 at 10:09 PM, Roidgy said:

On 5/23/2018 at 9:18 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Why is it okay to invalidate the boyfriend's feelings? He felt what he felt at the time, even if he's changed now. 

Which is why ive always wanted to try to change for him. i still had sex with him whenever he wanted so i still dont really understand , i probably made him feel unloved, but then later i made him angry by being "too lovey dovey" so i really dont know. And every time i asked what he meant he just says he doesnt remember, so all i can do is try my best to change for him. Id appreciate some insight

Of course the boyfriend's feelings also shouldn't be invalidated. So, sex is important to him and that's just as valid as asexuality. However, I don't think you should try and change for him, OP - I'm sure that will just make both of you unhappy!

I think it's very telling that your boyfriend stayed with you for five years (From what you wrote, I'm assuming that he did). So, your coming out probably shocked him and he said the first thing that popped into his mind. That's not necessarily what he's still thinking today - as I said before, he stayed with you for years, so I doubt it. Who knows, maybe he would be happier if you were allosexual, but that does not mean that that he is not happy now.

I hope you get my meaning.

I think it's important that you share your feelings with him and ask him to share his feelings with you - and then you can work together to find some kind of compromise.

 

On another note, I get the feeling that you could do with a different environment. I don't know what the possibilities are where you live, but maybe you could try to find a hobby that would help you to meet new people and thus make some new friends? Just a suggestion

Or take a look at the Meetup Mart here on AVEN like Lichley suggested.

 

[Chocolatastic AroAce]

I think it is smart for you to post here. It seems like you need some support and you will get that here.  From what I gather lots of people here have felt what you feel. Being different is never easy,  you can't make yourself something your not.