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My wife and I


Married.with.confusion

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Married.with.confusion

So my wife and I have hit a rough patch. I am Demisexual and she is Asexual (though questioning it but still 95% certain she is asexual). The tension that has been building is getting to a scary point. I personally have never came across an asexual and i am her only relationship. The both of us are having fears, her thinking she isn't good enough for me because she can't give me something i haven't asked for but desire non the less, and I feel i'm not good enough because well i don't understand what's going on and believe I'm not good enough.. I am willing to do anything to keep my marriage afloat. I even suggested a chemical castration on myself to relieve the tension, though she refused to let me do it for her.

 

Has anyone else ran into this issue and have a solution?

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You know...I am experiencing something similar. Before I knew I was asexual I was kind of promiscuous. But I never enjoyed it. I kept trying and trying and thought something was wrong with me. I thought I'd eventually enjoy it. And it's what guys wanted. I didn't even know asexual was a thing, I literally just thought something was wrong with me. When I first met my husband I was still like that. We had a lot of sex. As our relationship went on we eventually started having it less often and less often because I didn't feel the need to "impress" him anymore. Which is really messed up when you think about it. He went into this relationship not even knowing I was asexual. I went into this relationship not knowing I was asexual. I confided in my friend about it and she mentioned that I might be asexual. So I was like...what the hell? And did some research. Turns outttt....so now I'm married to a VERY SEXUAL person with a VERY HIGH SEX DRIVE and I love him and he loves me.  I haven't even TOLD my husband that I'm asexual. I have no answers for you. I just know your frustration but on the other side of it. I know her frustration. He is very patient with me. I just tell him I have a low sex drive. But then he gets frustrated and brings up my past "but we used to have sex all the time" and he thinks something is wrong with the relationship, he feels unloved. But that is not the case. And I feel annoyed at the almost constant sexual advances after a bit of calm because he does give me time bc he does understand but after awhile he gets too frustrated. He doesn't push too far, if I say no he doesn't do anything. It's just really hard and I don't know how this relationship is going to last. At one point he does well giving me time, on the other when the time comes when he's really sexual frustrated I don't want to give it, but I love him so I do but I don't like it. And I'm conflicted about it bc if I don't want it, I don't want it. But the thing is, I never want it. Lol...And he has a very high sex drive so it's not fair to him. IDK ITS CONFUSING AND IDK WHAT TO DO EITHER! 

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Telecaster68

@Varnae - my wife would probably describe herself in much the same way as you if she had an inclination for self-reflection. I'd really encourage  you to try to find a way to explain your feelings to your husband, because it will probably help your relationship. I can understand your fear that it might be exposing an insoluble problem, but really, that problem's already there.

 

Your husband's feeling of being unloved are based on the assumption that wanting sex is part of a relationship (because, mostly it is, and it seemed to be when you first got together); so if you don't want sex with him, there's something wrong with him. When he can get his head round you being asexual (which may take a while) he might be able to understand you don't want sex with him (note the different italics), and he'll be able to maybe feel less hurt and anxious about the relationship.

 

The next stage is to try to figure out together what compromise  you can both live with long term, and that'll take a lot of communication and trial and error. How often, and what kind of sex, can you each live with? For him, it's not just about frequency, it's about knowing that you've never really desired him sexually, and  never will, and that's a massive, difficult shift in the foundations of a relationship. It may be that he can accept that while you don't have sexual desire, you can enjoy it physically, or as way to give him pleasure. For you, clearly, it's about what you can cope with.

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

@Varnae - my wife would probably describe herself in much the same way as you if she had an inclination for self-reflection. I'd really encourage  you to try to find a way to explain your feelings to your husband, because it will probably help your relationship. I can understand your fear that it might be exposing an insoluble problem, but really, that problem's already there.

 

Your husband's feeling of being unloved are based on the assumption that wanting sex is part of a relationship (because, mostly it is, and it seemed to be when you first got together); so if you don't want sex with him, there's something wrong with him. When he can get his head round you being asexual (which may take a while) he might be able to understand you don't want sex with him (note the different italics), and he'll be able to maybe feel less hurt and anxious about the relationship.

 

The next stage is to try to figure out together what compromise  you can both live with long term, and that'll take a lot of communication and trial and error. How often, and what kind of sex, can you each live with? For him, it's not just about frequency, it's about knowing that you've never really desired him sexually, and  never will, and that's a massive, difficult shift in the foundations of a relationship. It may be that he can accept that while you don't have sexual desire, you can enjoy it physically, or as way to give him pleasure. For you, clearly, it's about what you can cope with.

He's never had any thoughts that I have sexual feelings toward anyone else, either. Just that I don't have a sex drive at all...But then he thinks there's something actually wrong with me and suggests I get on some hormones or something and I'm like..nah...I'm good. Lol. I have enough emotional issues as is. No need to add anything else into the mix. hahaha...So I guess we're on a good start to begin with with this conversation we really need to have. And yeah, I know exactly why he feels unloved and it sucks because I'd hate for him to feel that way but I can't really help the way I feel toward sex. He's not one to talk to his friends about these things, but he has reached out to MY friends about it, and one of my friends actually told him I might be asexual. So there's a start, anyway. We just need to really talk about it, I've been kind of avoiding it because I think for some reason that he'll think it's dumb.  I do enjoy one think sexually, oral. Does that not make me asexual? I don't know. I don't want it often, and I'm NEVER in the mood, but it's literally the ONLY thing that will get me aroused if he just starts. So then I let him do his thing. But it also hurts him because he's like, wow...you don't like my (i'm so new to this site, idk if certain words are allowed, hahahaha..uhhh) "thing". i don't enjoy penetration. Which hurts his manliness, I guess you can say. And I hate that for him! Like, I know that's gotta suck to feel like you can't pleasure your own wife "that way" But he's good at oral and he does pleasure me in that sense. I told him that's all that matters lmao WHICH ALSSOOO comes to him thinking I might be a lesbian. I'm not. I'd totally be in an asexual relationship with a woman but the thought of sexual relations with a woman doesn't get me going either. So i can't be, right? So, anyway. It seems we 'kind of' have an unspoken compromise already, so it's looking good. I just really need to have the talk with him to kind of ease his mind to let him know that I do love him and he shouldn't feel bad.  Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. ❤️ Also, hopefully this gives some insight to OP's question from the woman's side. Maybe he can confront her about it after learning how I feel about it. From a different perspective. You are loved, dude! 

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Telecaster68
7 minutes ago, Varnae said:

  I do enjoy one think sexually, oral. Does that not make me asexual? I don't know. I don't want it often, and I'm NEVER in the mood, but it's literally the ONLY thing that will get me aroused if he just starts.

The general principle is that asexuals don't see any need for involving anyone else in sexual activity. They're at least as happy masturbating (generally happier) as having partnered sex. If he decided he never wanted to go down on you again, would you be upset for your own sake (putting his feelings aside for the moment)? If you'd feel hurt by that, then it would indicate you like partnered sex for your own reasons, which isn't asexual. On the other hand if it's just a relief, then that's what most people on AVEN would say indicates asexuality.

 

Also - google 'responsive desire'. Only getting in the mood after you start (which is what it means), is pretty common, especially for women, and there are strategies for couples to manage it for both their benefit.

 

10 minutes ago, Varnae said:

It seems we 'kind of' have an unspoken compromise already, so it's looking good.

Well.... maybe. He may be more upset and anxious about this than he's letting on. It's often very difficult for asexuals to understand just how much being rejected by partners upsets sexuals, and he sounds like a decent guy, so it may be he's sitting stewing a lot and not saying anything because he knows changing isn't in your gift and talking about it would only make you feel bad. Thing is - that may not last forever, and one day he won't be able to take it any more, and you'll feel you've been blindsided. Communication may not solve the situation, but it will stop it getting worse unnecessarily.

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anisotrophic

Responsive desire is a thing, but so is responsive arousal (response to physical stimulation of genitals).

 

I'm no expert but I don't think one isn't "ace" for being capable of arousal and finding partnered sex physically feels good/acceptable, and wanting to please a partner one loves, but never feeling any desire/attraction for it.

 

+100 on partner likely to be feeling worse than you realize, my memory is that it was pretty awful. I think you should start taking about it... (Coming to terms with it has been hard too, accepting I'll never be attractive to him, and the permanency of it, but I hope we're getting there. Only time can tell.)

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Telecaster68
5 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Responsive desire is a thing, but so is responsive arousal (response to physical stimulation of genitals).

Oh absolutely, but they're a feedback loop, and learning how to work with that might help with compromise. Clearly it's not going to change anyone's orientation. 

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anisotrophic

I'm not sure any of this helped @Married.with.confusion... To that question, I can make my own opinions...

 

I don't think trying to remove your desires is good idea (and may not be as feasible as you think). If your partner is sex-repulsed, this mixed relationship may be insurmountable.

 

But if they can help you feel loved and validated for your own desires -- even as they do not have them themselves -- you might try this direction. This could mean sometimes engaging in sexual activity (with the motive of wanting you to feel accepted and satisfied in your own desires), and that activity could be something that isn't "traditional" (e.g. holding you and saying affirming things while you masturbate).

 

Again, this is easier said than done. For someone experiencing desire and attraction, it can feel intensely vulnerable to express it to a partner that is not feeling it. Conversely, the intensity of that vulnerability and trust might mean you discover a new bond between you, that strengthens your relationship.

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