Not sure how to proceed w/potential companion

[Timbre]

(This post became massive and I'm sorry-- I've never talked about this in the context of a community before.) 

Background: "Romance" makes me squirmy because on the whole I'm intensely affectionate, touchy, and doting to my close friends, and that behavior almost never portends an interest in committed relationship. I mean, someone once told me that friendship with me feels like just a step below courtship. I've only entertained the possibility of a committed relationship twice in my 26 years, and I've never dated.

Why I’m writing this: There’s this woman. She’s great. We’ve known each other for 3 years-- the intimate connection was instantaneous. Before there was affection there was what felt like a shared history, I guess. The connection is immense, probably because we've allowed it deepen. I'm all the time discovering new depths of my affection for her. We have talked several times about how we are both intense people as a personality quirk and we decided to let it be what it is.

 

When we’re together we lock on to each other. Eye contact, body language, attention, etc. waitresses have literally told us that they hesitated coming to the table because we seemed so occupied with each other. 

Anyway, the shift in perspective of friend to partner, in my mind, happened a few days ago. I read a friend's photo caption which said something like, "I look like your aunt who moved out to a farm with her 'roommate' 20 years ago, but lets you visit every summer." And I thought, "Yeah...I'd really like that." Simply put: I want to walk through life with this woman in a way I don't with any of my other friends. I adore her. 

Obstacles, or at least things that could be obstacles: 

1. I have no idea what her orientation - sexual or romantic - is. I've never heard her talk about anyone of any gender in particularly romantic terms, nor have I heard her express attraction for anyone in that casual way sexual girls typically do. She has expressed a lack of interest in dating at the present. However, she seems interested in one day having a family, but she talks about it in a distant, almost theoretical way. She doesn't want it happening any time soon, at any rate. She has said that she's not particularly interested in sex, and that it seems like a necessary evil. I've expressed, in vague terms, that I don't date and am not interested in traditional "dating" or hooking up or sex in general. 

2. She's a Christian. We both are. That has its own potential trappings. More for how people perceive us. Non-sexual cohabitation and partnership is a big gray area, but general sentiment leans toward homophobia, the over-sexualization of intimate friendships no matter what the genders, and boo-hissing them as a gateway drug to idolatry and damnation. How could two people possibly love each other deeply and share a home and life without fucking on every surface space available? At any rate, the benefit of our friendship is that when we're together, other people don't matter much.

3. There's a geographical distance at the moment, but we stay in contact and I visit often - she seems to find reasons for me to visit and flights are cheap. I've considered moving closer for practical, logistical reasons other than her, (but definitely partially her), but I haven't pitched that idea. We've both lamented not spending more time together. If I did move closer, the very logical next step would be for us to be roommates. I don't know how or when or if I should bring that up. 

So, my options: 

Do nothing. Let the friendship run its course for better or worse. 

Propose shared living arrangements, implicitly hope it lasts for the rest of our lives. 

Love someone else this much. Or be alone.

Book-ended to the last point: Back away from the friendship. Which would be tragic, because I don't see anything ethically or morally wrong with it. And it seems stupid to leave a friendship this good because I'm having a fit barely unrequited love. On the other hand, should I not back away, I run the risk of one day experiencing the same heartbreak I did with my male friend when his sexually capable partner materialized out of the clear blue sky. Chances are, at least, if that happens with my female friend, I probably won't have to deal with a jealous spouse. It's not my first choice, but I could live with it. 

 

We had a long, involved conversation the other day about how annoying and wrong it is that people treat sex as the ultimate form of intimacy, and that really, it has to do with a mental, emotional connection that doesn’t have to do anything with sex. And sometimes that’s better. 

 

I’m visiting her again soon, and in the lead-up we keep talking about how great it is to be with each other, how unique our friendship is, etc. I have people I consider “best friends” - she’s different.

 

In theory, this is the epitome of friendship for me. Only, I want more. I want her closer. I want to occupy a special place in her world, because she sure as hell does in mine.  

 

Agh. I just don’t know what to do about any of it. 

[AcornCarvings]

I'd add to your list of options to clearly and intentionally talk about your relationship. I used to be afraid of doing this with the people I am close to because I thought it would wierd them out, but then I found out that people are generally pretty into sharing how they feel/where they are confused about things. These kinds of conversations are pretty easy for me to get into by just saying how much I appreciate the other person, and why I find my relationship with them significant and beautiful.

 

It sounds like you have a pretty amazing relationship, and it'd be a shame to back away or not explore the potential there. And I generally think openly communicating and sharing insecurities as well as things you really love can really help a relationship.

[Timbre]

15 hours ago, AcornCarvings said:

And I generally think openly communicating and sharing insecurities as well as things you really love can really help a relationship.

Can you give me an idea of what that conversation would sound like? We talk about our relationship a lot - what we like about it, how it’s special, what we like about each other, our “commitments” (basically continuing to be friends).

 

I’ve just stopped short of blurting out, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”