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How much should you rely on advice from others when finding your identity?


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Okay, so I am aware that the only person that can decide their identity is themselves, however, I still want to know how much the thoughts of others should be taken into account. I often feel like I don't really know myself, and whatever decisions I make about myself I'm never all that confident in. That's why I've posted so many "Am I ace?" sort of things in the past. (I also just want to add that the reason that I'm searching for a label at all is because I feel a lot more comfortable with one, and without one I always feel really uncertain and anxious, so I didn't, and still don't want to live without a label). I feel like I want to say that I am, but my lack fo self confidence is holding me back. However, when I posted those questions, people responded a lot, and through my posts here and on Reddit, 16 people (yes, I counted, though there may be more or less) said that I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I feel like I belong on it too, but my self-doubt is holding me back. Have enough people replied to me for my placement on the ace spectrum to be obvious? 

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NickyTannock

I think the number of people who reply doesn't matter, and it's the definition that's important.
I also think you should be allowed to choose a label and change it later if you find a more accurate one.

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Claire1983

I understand this very well.  I totally freaked out about this a couple months ago.  If your confidence is a bit shaky already it's very difficult to trust your own judgment on things like this.  It feels like a very big thing to acknowledge about yourself so some hesitation is normal.  I'm totally with you on the label thing.  I like to know where I fit in and I like to know that I'm welcome and accepted by other who use that label.  I don't think it's really about how many people respond, I think it's something that just takes time to wrap your mind around.  A hundred people could have replied and you could still have doubts. It may take you some time before you manage to internalize it.  Keep posting, keep reading, keep interacting, you'll get there eventually. 

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I struggle because no label fits perfectly. It's a bit like sorting colors. Is turquoise a shade of blue or a shade of green? How blue does turquoise need to be before it is no longer turquoise?

 

Do I have to be 100% asexual to be asexual? Can I still have a very tiny libido and still be asexual? How much libido before I am no longer asexual?

 

More important to me is how will other people relate to me based on my label? When I'm by myself, my label doesn't matter. I'm just me. But when I tell people I'm asexual, how are they going to interpret and respond to that label? For example, I'm in therapy to deal with PTSD and when I mentioned that I joined this online asexuality forum, my counselor acted like I was cured, that I had identified as asexual and no longer had any troubling thoughts about sexuality. That's very hurtful when a counselor makes such an assumption. What if I meet a female who I'm sexually attracted to but she hears that I'm asexual and therefore slams the door on any sexual possibility? Just because I'm 87% asexual doesn't mean I want to commit to being 100% asexual.

 

I don't have answers but I would suggest that maybe it's not the label that makes you uncomfortable but people's perception of the label that makes you uncomfortable.

 

To bring this around to the original question: You do have to take advice from others into consideration. Don't let the advice of others make the decision for you but maybe let your decision be more than 50% your own and less than 50% what others tell you.

Edited by bejjinks
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39 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

(I also just want to add that the reason that I'm searching for a label at all is because I feel a lot more comfortable with one, and without one I always feel really uncertain and anxious, so I didn't, and still don't want to live without a label)

Just wanted to quickly comment that I think that is generally why people want labels. Only that you are open about your insecurity, which is really rare, and I appreciate that a lot. :cake:

 

About your main question: you should take advice as a starting point for developing your own ideas, not more than that. "Only you can know" also implies that only you can figure it out. It's hard work and takes time and a lot of honesty (mainly to yourself really). And don't be afraid of changing your mind, even years from now. Of course don't be afraid to discard any advice as plain nonsense either - you don't need to say it and in some cases it's probably wiser not to do so, but you totally have the right to think it.

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Blissful_Sins

Don't care what people say. Half if not all my friends still believe me being an Ace is just a phase or I'm just conservative (I'm both) SCREW EVERYONE. Not that way.

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According to my peers, I'm gay. However, my peers don't know the full spectrum of my sexuality, which is why its the easy assessment to make.

 

I remember enduring this during high school, to a level where I even questioned it, but always knew I was heterosexual. The assessments were so frequent, that they had to be true, right?

 

I just never wanted to sleep with the women I befriended, and definitely did not want to sleep with the males friends I had. If I was gay, then I was confused, considering I only felt attraction towards women.

 

But a beautiful woman into me, finding out I was okay not sleeping with her, could just identify me as gay. There was no other known sexuality out there until I found AVEN a decade ago.

 

Brings me to my point. Trust your own gut on this.

 

Your gut will never let you down.

 

Don't be afraid to ask questions, but also don't be afraid to seek the answers to them on your own accord. This is how you'll find yourself.

 

Through being in a few relationships, I finally found who I was but even then, I didn't want to fully label myself and put myself in a box. You can grow as a person, and find out you labeled yourself wrong, all along.

 

The more you put effort on personal growth, is the more you will learn about yourself.

 

I'm still learning, and have tons to learn but am in a position in my life, where I'm happy with who I am, and have stopped caring about what others think.

 

However if its answers you seek, my advice is to avoid having others tell you who you are. You're the best at being just that, so are the expert in that department. Through growth, your level of knowledge of self will only grow.

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 You shouldn't base your identity fully on what others think. If you ask for advice and others reply it should be taken as a stepping stone not the entire path. You have to be patient with yourself if you aren't sure what you are and slow down cause it won't make things fall into place.

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Janus the Fox

With always with a grain of salt until such advice feels accurate for yourself.  Advice is good, though shutting out the sense of self to follow that advise isn't always healthy.  Thus is the thing with questioning.

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It definitely took me months from first thinking could I be asexual to begrudgingly accepting that it was true. If you're unsure, it can help to just give yourself time to be unsure instead of trying to decide to identify one way or the other.

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13 hours ago, bejjinks said:

I struggle because no label fits perfectly. It's a bit like sorting colors. Is turquoise a shade of blue or a shade of green? How blue does turquoise need to be before it is no longer turquoise?

 

Do I have to be 100% asexual to be asexual? Can I still have a very tiny libido and still be asexual? How much libido before I am no longer asexual?

 

 

@bejjinks: I feel almost like the same,I guess. I consider myself to be about 95% asexual. Is this still asexual or already greyasexual? I don't know. If I call myself asexual I feel like I'm invalidating those who are 100% asexual but at the same time I feel too ace to call myself grey. I feel that no label really fits but I like the fluidity and vagueness of the grey area.

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