so i wanna experiment but

[Ooo]

hey

im possibly aroace. but theres a big part of me that doesnt want to be. ive been struggling with it for a while now. but anyways

im just really curious. i want to experience things like other people do. im tired of feeling left out and not understanding what it is other people are enjoying. and its not like im being teased or pressurised by my friends, theyre all rlly chill. but i just get so frustrated knowing theres a potentially enjoyable aspect of the human experience which i dont understand!

 

so. id never felt the inclination to get physical with anyone before. im 21 now and kept waiting for it to happen but it never did. i kind of got crushes but pretty weak ones that i seemed to be able to 'switch off', on guys and also girls i think. recently a dude wanted to kiss me an id never done it before. i was kind of tipsy and, as i said above, i want to try these things. so i was like, whatever , go for it. the longer i wait to have the big ~first kiss~ the bigger deal its gonna end up being and i dont want that. so yeah i tried that. and it kind of sucked tbh. like it was just gross and i didnt know how to do it and i felt embarrassed. afterwards i felt regret and felt some pretty strong disgust with like, the feeling lingering on my lips and stuff. echos of the sensations. yuck yuck. and now this dude maybe likes me or thinks we have something going on and god if theres anything i understand less than sexual relationships its romantic ones. 

but i still want to know and try things! and sometimes guys show an interest in me! and if im a bit drunk or im feeling curious i feel like im liable to just be like yeah alright!! and chances are, often thats gonna end up with me regretting it because.

the fact i dont seem to feel sexual attraction means one person is as good as any. i dont think im capable of being discerning in that context. not to mention the fact that it often causes awkwardness after.

another really significant thing is if i experiment with this stuff id want it to be fairly pressure free and not like, a big deal for the other person. but also im completely clueless and idk if im meant to articulate that. i have no idea how to do anything but also i have no idea about the social rules, too.

and NOW i have the fact that apparently after stuff like that i react pretty badly and feel kind of grossed out by myself, which i didnt know until recently. 

 

honestly im kind of scared about what position these things put me in. im so confused. is it better to absolutely swear off anything like that because it seems like.. maybe its just gonna mess both parties up? or is the feeling of curiosity worth pursuing? is it possible to navigate these waters without hurting yourself and other people? 

[lazypanda]

I think it's good that you are brave enough to want to experiment. I would say go for it. I'm 25, but have never kissed. Now I have grown so comfortable being single, i'm too scared to kiss a guy. Forget kiss,I'm too scared to even hold a guy's hand(romantically that is). 

So, i think it's good if you have the courage to do the things you want to do. But don't do anything because society wants you too. Do it only because you want to. Good luck.

[AndrewT]

I'd never have a one night stand (hey I'm ace so no big surprise) All I can say is if you want to experiment it's your life, all I'd say is make sure you're careful & safe, especially when doing anything when drunk/under the influence etc.

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

Getting oneself drunk to be able to stomach sexual atuff is a pretty bad idea. Such a person can regret just as badly after they are sober again. And also, I believe that sex under the influence of psychoactives should be only for people who are already in a relationship. Technically, sex with a drunk person can be considered rape.

[Ooo]

i think what i feel like is the best option for me is if i ever get close enough with a friend who i trust who was interested in me in that way, so i wouldnt hopefully feel the need to be drunk. but i dont have anyone in my life like that and im impatient. and what if that screws up friendship? like other people have all these feelings that i dont understand. if i was friends with someone and they were interested in me but i just used them for experimenting id feel bad

[Feyre]

Oh, well, I have been through something similar at your age. Thing is, I didn't know I was Ace/Aro back then. But I wanted to experiment and, to be honest, I did some things that I terribly regret ... Like, I thought I wanted to, but deep down I didn't. Nowadays, if it's not a strong YES from my part (not only consent, but some desire to please the other person at least if it's not pleasant to myself), then it's no.

 

I think it's safe to experiment, especially with everything before sexual activities (like kissing, or romantic relationships) because they cannot harm you badly, but be careful with everything else :-)

 

Being drunk is not a good idea though. I know you feel like you can do whatever in that situation, but there will come a time when you might feel regret I think. When it comes to sex, if you cannot do it when you're sober, then definitely don't do it when drunk.

[Feyre]

2 hours ago, Ooo said:

and NOW i have the fact that apparently after stuff like that i react pretty badly and feel kind of grossed out by myself, which i didnt know until recently.

That's how I felt back then and how I still feel. On the long run, it was not worth it for me. I cannot open up about these things to other people today and it's a past that always comes back after me in some way.  (not in a good way)

I hope you will find out what things are safe for you to experiment on, and those it is better not to. Experimenting sex as an Ace is better in a very safe environment (like with someone you deeply appreciate at least, not a stranger) in my opinion :-)

[ryn2]

I can’t speak for everyone but the impression I’m getting from the sexual people on here is that it’s not the various sexual activities themselves that are knock-your-socks-off amazing; it’s the mutual desire/closeness.

 

Assuming that’s true, ace people performing the exact same acts will have a different (and typically less positive... anywhere from “how is that what all the fuss was about??” to *yawn* to outright revulsion) experience than the (far more common) sexual people do.

 

I grew up in a time where no one really knew about asexuality, and I don’t think I was harmed in some way by the sexual things I did, but I can personally attest to being pretty underwhelmed by them.

[Homer]

It probably won't work.

 

That's as if someone told you "OMFG you have to watch this movie series because it's the greatest thing since sliced bread" but you already know that you don't care about this genre of movies.

 

You do you obviously, but you should brace yourself for not feeling what others feel.

[butterflydreams]

6 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Getting oneself drunk to be able to stomach sexual atuff is a pretty bad idea.

I’ve tried to do the same with my partner, but they won’t allow it.

 

I know I would feel better and certainly less inhibited if I were drinking, but I can respect why my partner doesn’t want to be with me in that state.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Why do even sex-averse people feel like they "should" experiment with sex? Why don't they respect their feelings more?

[Ooo]

thanks all u guys for your responses ❤️

im p sure ive ruled out the drunk thing lol

 

42 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Why do even sex-averse people feel like they "should" experiment with sex? Why don't they respect their feelings more?

just to respond to this- im just curious. and also tbh sometimes i feel like it sounds good in theory i just dont ever feel it when faced with an actual other person . i still kind of have a libido i guess  😬

[everywhere and nowhere]

I have a libido too, but still I take care of that myself and don't even seriously consider trying sex. I just can't. Of course, nobody is obligated to follow me and of course sex aversion has its grades and shades. But still it worries me when sex-averse people force themselves to do things they are uncomfortable with. This is not a way to have a pleasant experience.

[uhtred]

Its of course OK to experiment if you want, but for many people, sex outside of a close relationship isn't very enjoyable.  That makes any sort of experiment really difficult. 

[AcornCarvings]

It's totally cool if you want to experiment! Just try to be cautious with other people's feelings and make sure you aren't leading them on too much if it doesn't mean too much to you.

If you're experimenting I'd do it sober, and with people you trust, just so you don't end up doing anything you'd really really really regret, and to make sure you are safe when you are doing it.

And trust yourself. If your brain or body are sending you "no" signals, pay attention to them. You aren't missing out on stuff. Experiment to find things that you do enjoy, not force yourself into things you don't.

[Bandrailian]

22 hours ago, Ooo said:

is it possible to navigate these waters without hurting yourself and other people? 

Yes, it is possible to do this without hurting either party. The answer is just to communicate. I once had a FWB to try that out, we made sure that from the beginning we both understood that we weren't planning to have a relationship. Explaining your lack of experience and typical aversion to the idea of sex would also be important. Be prepared for a few "I can change that" responses though.

[James121]

I’d recommend any experiment happens when sober. The reason is that you’ll have more control of yourself and thus you’ll be able to say no if things are becoming too much.

The last thing you want is to give consent, get drunk, feel violated and cry rape afterwards. That becomes a very complicated situation.

[The Sad Ghost]

Omg! I feel you with this! I made myself drunk against my own will bc I wanted to dare to make out and then I felt ashamed the next day. I also thought that this... experience would somehow proof what my sexuality is. Lolololo, not worth it. Also, this moment is forever captured in peoples phones, and I have no idea how many... fun! 

As you know, this is not a good way dealing with this. You can't force yourself to like something that you don't like. Just like a gay human can't force herself to love the opposite gender. Sure, you can experiment, but for me it seems like you just want to do it bx "it's the natural thing", not bc u want it? I just had to accept that I'm somewhere on the aro ace spectrum. And when I did that, I felt better! Send me a private mail if you wan't to talk with someone who has similar experiences

[Bronztrooper]

I've wondered about experimenting myself, but I refuse to just do so with random people.  Hell, I'd refuse it even with friends.  I feel like I'd need a romantic connection with someone before I'd consider it.

 

As for kissing, I've never done more than kisses on the cheek, despite having a girlfriend for several months.  Not that I didn't want to try it (more due to wanting to know what it felt like than anything- so mainly sensual attraction there), but I had no idea how to pace things relationship-wise, so I was worried about pushing too soon and ruining things.  Not to mention that I'm pretty content with just over-the-clothes touching and cuddling.