Please,help!I need to figure things out :C

[Chaviriiidi]

Hello everyone.

I'm 17 years old,biologically a female. I prefer they/them pronuns though since I consider myself as an agender,but I think that my biological gender may helps for some parts.

 

I'm sorry if I forgot to do something before starting this topic,please,let me know if I have.

I'm pretty confused about my (a)sexuality,and I'd need some help to figure it out! Here's a little description.

 

I have only had online relationships (currently am in one),some of them were sexual,some a bit less.

When I was 14/15,during puberty,I had a few relationships online in which I somewhat felt like I "had" to be sexual,to be appreciated by my partners. Yet,I don't know if I felt sexually attracted to them;

It was always a little awkward,when I looked at their photos I didn't feel very comfortable,I didn't find them "sexy" (as far as I can remember). But they were my partners,and since society always says that romantic relationships must be sexual too,I felt like I HAD to find them sexy,and so I always convinced myself that they were. I just felt like it would not have been "right" not to sexually please my partner so I never really thought of an asexual relationship  (also because my first partner ever was a very perverted person so he kind induced me to think this way).

Then,I have learnt about the term "asexual",and I felt like that described me a lot.

After a year or so,I got to be in a 100% asexual relationship (my current one). He is asexual,completely,and we are not planning to get intimate at all.

I am also demiromantic,and I would like to avoid too much physical contact with him,even romantically. With everyone,actually.

 

I used to watch/read erotic things till the age of 15/16,and to have all of my "sexual experiences" online. But they were fictional,in a sense,since they were not here and I didn't have to do what they wanted me to do in real life. It was like a roleplay. I just wanted to feel physically good and,when in a relationship,"connected" to my partner. Just like "mating",nothing to do with attraction towards their bodies.

But I have NEVER actually felt sexual toward someone in real life. Like thinking I'd want to have sex with them or even just cuddling them too intensely. Sometimes even when they slightly touch my hand I'm like "ew don't". It feels awkward and it makes me feel very repulsed. Even towards my partner. I would have sex with him if he hypothetically wanted to,but I'd need at least 1 month to prepare myself mentally and I don't know if I'd be able not to cry during the "act". It would really be a trauma and I'd want it to end as soon as possible. If I saw his naked body I would not feel sexual,I'd try to avoid looking at his penis to make it less awkward. And first of all tell him to wear something.

 

Even though,I still get aroused and have a sex drive that swings (from very low to medium). That means that I get aroused out of nowhere,though,mostly due to boredom. I sometimes masturbate,but it lasts less than one minute. I used to do long sessions when I was younger,but now I manage to do it quickly,without no need for porn or stuff like that. It's really just a burden,it feels like I have to do it because it distracts me,like an itchy spot. I don't do it anymore for the pleasure. It just really bothers me and I wish I could stop forever. Feeling aroused and all. I am trying to go chaste,since it bothers me,and I really have no interest in being sexual with anyone. I'd rather eat or play videogames or just talk about deep things.

 

So,basically.

I just felt like I had to look at their bodies and find them sexually pleasing because it was the "right thing to do". I have been very sexual but I am WAY more comfortable now with my ace partner. No sex,no need to look hot for anyone,no drama such as "Why do you look at other girls?" And "Why do you watch porn?"

 

I am demiromantic (maybe aro?)/no gender preference. And somewhat repulsed by people touching me even nonsexually.

 

I swing a lot between sex repulsion (like,sometimes when I masturbate I cry and feel depressed for the whole day and apologise to my boyfriend for literally no reason but I just feel awful and doing something I HATE doing) and sex neutrality,like "Don't mind if people talk about sex" or stuff.

 

I think I don't even feel aesthetical attraction. I am actually pretty repulsed by "beauty". Except for my partner's. And I also don't like looking at naked bodies etc. Sometimes they give me "sexual stimulation",only when it's not "in real life",but I don't think it's attraction. It's like my body thinks I want to mate or something,but I actually don't. Ew. I don't want to have sex at all,nor watch those bodies,nor masturbate. But my body,maybe because of biology,thinks that I'm ready to mate,so it reacts.

 

Also,I feel SLIGHTLY less disgusted at the thought of having sex with a woman rather than with a guy. But in my mind it all sounds ok,but if I try to imagine it in real life.......no. no. No.

 

 

So...do you think I am asexual?

I havr always been considering my self as an asexual. Till the age of 16 (from 15),I said i was demisexual because my partner was too and i didn't feel like disappointing him. Then we broke up,and I felt somewhat "free" to say i am ace. But I just need to hear it from someone else since I feel so confused. My head is a mess. Sorry. I just need someone else's opinion.

 

Thank you. 💜

 

[TheAP]

Having a sex drive and getting aroused doesn't mean you're not asexual. If you don't want to do anything sexual with others, it does sound like you are asexual.

[Chaviriiidi]

4 minutes ago, TheAP said:

Having a sex drive and getting aroused doesn't mean you're not asexual. If you don't want to do anything sexual with others, it does sound like you are asexual.

Thank you a lot