Starter Tips For Newly Discovered Genderfluid People

[Cell-Division]

After questioning whether I was trans or not for a few years someone finally explained genderfluidity to me and it described me to a T.

 

As a new person to this community, does anyone have any life tips for newly discovered genderfluids?

 

Like ways to save money on clothes, best easily interchangable haircuts, how to contour your face, knowledge of how people may react to you, tips on gender specific things, when and how to come out, tips and stories on dating for non aromantics, etc.

 

Lend us your wisdom

[Celyn: The Lutening]

@Cell-Division Well done finding a label that suits, I'm so proud of you!

 

I'm not genderfluid but I do like to change my presentation here and there. So: To save money on clothes, I get mostly unisex clothing and just a few items that are obviously masculine/feminine (like a very masculine-looking jacket or a pair of heels) to tilt my presentation one way or the other.

A lot of people recommend short hair, but it leaves your face without framing, which can be a huge giveaway as to your assigned gender. My hair is just above my shoulders, and I can put it in a stubby little ponytail or a  "man bun" or dress it up with braids/clips.

Re: face - I have no idea. My face is pretty androgynous without anything being done to it. But I know that there's a lot of YouTube resources out there.

Re: coming out - you don't do it just once, you'll be "coming out multiple times. Start with people you know are going to be accepting so you have a support network when you come out to those who aren't (That's what I'm doing at the moment). It might be worth searching for queer support groups in your area.

Oh, and one more thing - if you want people to acknowledge whatever gender you are at the moment, there are wristbands that say different pronouns on. Or you could just get colour-coded ones. Because I know that presentation doesn't always = gender identity

 

All the best of luck to you, and enjoy your journey!

[Luftschlosseule]

Welcome. (:

 

I am genderfluid alternating between agender and woman, but mostly I am agender, and I am still in the trying-out phase myself.
So, every day is different. I compare being genderfluid to the ocean and the tides: It's in constant movement but if you look at it, you won't neccessarily see it since it may change so slowly, but when you've not looked for a while you see the difference.

 

There are awful days on which my tide is awful and I am changing between my two ends of the spectrum every five minutes and everything feels bad because when I just made something to make me comfortable, everything changes again. That's okay. It happens. You can't do anything against it, just don't try to make some big changes on those days.

One thing is that I have really rarely femme days, and once I went shopping for clothes on such a day. There is a shirt I rarely wear because most times I don't feel comfortable in it. So it may be sensible to do your shopping on different days. So when you're on one point you can pick out clothing for that point, but you'll need clothes for the other points, too.

 

Mostly, my closet is full of pretty nondescript clothing, and I work with accessories. Bracelets, necklaces, or even hair-clips.
My hair is straight (the only straight thing about me) and long. I can wear it open or do it in braids. A tip would be to look into undercuts you can flip around. Like cut off the underlayers so you can either hide or show them depending on how you feel about it.

 

Make-up: I don't know where you live but if it's possible, try to do a course. Stores offer them, I was trained with an amateur theatre company. Let them show you how to work with the stuff if you're new, and you can try out products. When you've got a feel for the material, you could look up contouring videos on youtube.

And when you're trying new products, and have to buy, try to get small travel-sized packages. You don't want to spend your money on stuff you're not going to use. When you found something that works for you, you simply purchase a normal sized package next time.

 

A product tip would be a multipurpose scarf like the company buff does them. You can wear them as scarf, beanie, headband, bracelet, hair tie... they come in handy and you can do with them what you want. I love those things. Especially on agender days when I want to wear something around my neck without looking femme.

 

Just try out as much as you can and look what works for you.

As for dating: My advice would be to ask somebody else. I am not in a position to help in any way.  : 'D

[Finn.]

My look is pretty much the same every day. I lean towards androgyny, I like wearing flannels and men's t shirts, or sporty tank tops. I rarely wear jewelry (though I like wearing rings to stim with). I wear basic makeup, nothing eye-catching. For some *special occasions* I own maybe 3 more feminine tops and a skirt and a dress, I also own a few lipsticks. They don't have anything to do with my gender, I just sometimes feel like it. I keep my hair and nails short. I choose to shave my legs. I wear sports bras 99% of the time, binding doesn't work for me.

It's a matter of a personal mix-and-match, honestly. Different things work for different people. But when money is rare, going for a more basic androgynous everyday look would work best probably, with a few special items. 

 

2 minutes ago, Luftschlosseule said:

So it may be sensible to do your shopping on different days. So when you're on one point you can pick out clothing for that point, but you'll need clothes for the other points, too.

agreed 😃

 

[Fog Brain]

Hello! I am also gender fluid. A tip that I tend use is for online shopping. I would get a ton of clothes, no matter how i'm feeling. Then, over the next few days, I will add things to the cart, and take out things. I tend to get things that I could wear on any given day and then a few things that are more masculine or feminine. My gender changes so often that I have to always dress fairly androgynous, so i follow a formula of 1 masc piece+1 fem piece+ x andro pieces. For haircuts, you want something fairly short but not SUPER SHORT.  Look up "Long pixie cut" or "overgrown pixie cut" for a general idea of length (that works better for biologically female peeps. If you are bio male, you should probably go a bit longer). The specific style depends on your face shape. I don't have many tips for any forms of homophobia and transphobia... I'll come back with more info later when I have more time.

[Cinder42]

Mostly I am replying her because I also want to hear some of these answers XD I've been wrestling with my genderfluidity for a while now, or more accurately, I have assuredly known that I swing from masculine to feminine like a county fair viking boat I am just constantly fighting the fact that I am lazy and indecisive about fation! I always grew up wearing jeans and T-shirts anyway and wear them every single day of my life so at least I'm always comfy, it just so happens that no one ever knows what to call me because I look the same every single day. I'm hoping to change this now that I'm headed off to college though as I have more control over my wardrobe and I honestly just couldn't muster the energy to put time and effort into my appearance just to drag my ass to high school (to me that's just a waste of an outfit). What I'm really torn on is whether or not to cut my hair. I have ALWAYS had long, straight hair that goes down to my butt, it's soft and silky and I love it but on top of its practical downsides like cleaning and getting in my way, all of the binding and countering in the world doesn't make me look masculine. I've been debating where buying a wig is the saddest, tackiest thing in the world, or if i should get try and find a sorts androgynous haircut. I'm leaning toward the latter honestly, I've always kind dug a punk look but looked like an enthusiastic Walmart greeter.

[Celyn: The Lutening]

@Cinder42 Do both - get your hair cut, keep the hair and get a wig made out of it

[Sean_Bird]

Hello!

 

For fashion, I suggest being aware that what you wear in the house/store, you may not be comfortable with in public. Make sure that when you buy the pretty skirt, heels, binder, etc. that you'll be able to wear it comfortably when you're out of the house for long periods of time, that it's feasible for whatever activity you're doing, and that you'll be going to a safe place. One of my biggest problems starting out was wanting to dress excessively masculine/feminine, but picking outfits that would become uncomfortable, painful, or just give me anxiety over time. (I like wearing low cut shirts at home, girl or guy, but I get extremely anxious wearing them in public because of the hyper sexualization of breasts) Doing research on where I was going when crossdressing also eleviated some anxiety when dressing masculine/feminine in public.

 

Hair, imo, isn't too important when starting out. Long hair is usually seen as feminine, but more men have been growing out their hair, so that's not a deal breaker with hairstyles. Short hair is my preference, because having some or no makeup and jewelry becomes super obvious and is an easy gender marker. At least in my case, no make up will make me look like a dude, whereas makeup and earrings will pop out and make me look feminine.

 

Do research before crossdressing heavily. If you're biologically male, look up stories for good ways to tuck, etc. And if you're female bodied, do research on binding. I have large breasts that are a pain to deal with, and I did unsafe methods when starting out. There are sooooo many affordable resources online nowadays, that you don't need to put yourself through that pain.

 

Losing weight, in my case, helped my crossdressing and dysphoria significantly. The only downside was that, when I did lose weight and finally went dude clothes shopping again, there were no clothes my size! Like, for women's clothes, everything is geared towards smaller bodies, but for men, not as much. (I shop at thrift stores and ebay/amazon for most of my clothes)

 

My closet is huge. I transition between about 7 genders. It's not getting smaller and I've learned to live with it, lol. I suggest building your wardrobe slowly over time to avoid overspending,  and using eBay for more experimental clothes, since they'll be cheaper and if you like the article of clothing, you can get a better quality version of it at a later time. If you end up not liking it, then you didn't waste too much money.

 

As for reactions to coming out genderfluid: my friends were overwhelmingly positive, and when I announced to my classes that I was genderfluid (it related to topic, I didn't just dance into the classroom one day announcing my gender identity) for one class they clapped in support, and the other they were pretty indifferent but seemed overall pleasantly surprised. (Even the crazy religious student was strangely nice to me that term, despite ignoring me in the past) I've known a few deeply religious people be supportive of me; so, in regards to coming out, be aware that religion and upbringing don't necessarily mean transphobia.

 

That being said, it is impossible to predict everyone's reactions when coming out. It just is. In high school my hippie mother called my dad in a panic because I mentioned going to a GSA meeting at my school, and he thought it was a sex club, and my mom made me pinky swear that I wasn't gay. Both of my parents are hippies and are fine with other people being gay, but their child being gay was a huge ordeal for them. Making sure to have a support group of friends is important.

 

Pronouns: they are all the rage nowadays, but you don't have to change yours unless you're comfortable with that change. I personally find it weird to expect people to treat me differently on a given day based on my changing gender, and trying to be like, "BTW change your vocabulary for the day, because my gender has changed yet again!" Pronouns are hard, figuring out what my gender is is hard, communicating that regularly is hard, and I personally don't bother with routinely changing pronouns. Instead, I stick to they/them, so that it works for all my genders. I'm not saying you should do that or not, just be aware that being genderfluid doesn't mean that you have to tell people your gender everday- cisgender folks don't have to, so why should we?

 

As for dating non-aromantic advice: dating a heterosexual or homosexual would probably be the most difficult,  because they'll only be attracted to one of your genders. I was in a long term relationship with a straight dude and it sucked in regards to genderfluidity, because he wasn't attracted to me when I presented as dude, and that was confusing/difficult for him in the long run. Overall he was supportive, but it was a struggle for him. I'm now dating a sapiosexual (attracted to intelligence) so now there's no issue, but when dating someone attracted to a singular gender, just be aware that it may be confusing for them even if they're supportive. For any dating, being open and honest is the best advice I can give, because it's awesome and under utilized in modern society.

 

Anywho, that's all the advice I can think of. Be safe, have fun, and if you have any questions, feel free to send me a message. Have an awesome day.