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Does anyone else feel "vulnerable" at the thought of sex?


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So this topic (as shown in my thread title) is a major factor that led me to consider that I am a “gray asexual”.

 

It’s not that I don’t find orgasming (and hypothetically sex) to be a good feeling, but that doesn’t translate to me having a strong willingness to have sex with "strangers". I’ve been thinking back and reflecting to how I tend to view sex and relationships. I’ve noticed that the thought of having sex with someone I barely know (i.e. either a one-night stand or having sex with someone I’ve only started dating a few days in) does not fill me with excitement at all. I guess I tend to view the idea of having sex (especially with someone I know very little about) as a high-risk activity that will make me “vulnerable”. Hypothetically, I’d think the only loophole to this is if I were to have sex with someone I had been in a well established relationship and I had come to trust. So in short, I’ve noticed that I’ve always associated the idea of casual sex with feelings of vulnerability and risk. Prior to me considering that I was on the asexual spectrum (aka last week), I assumed that it was just me being a secret social conservative (only on a personal level though, not on a societal level) and just not having a lot of sexual experience to go off from. However, I am wondering if my feelings of vulnerability regarding sex could be attributed to me being likely a grey asexual.

 

TLDR: Although I don’t mind at all the feeling of orgasm, the idea of having casual sex with other women effectively scares me, and I am possibly attributing that to me being on the asexual spectrum

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The vast majority of human beings feel vulnerable when it comes to sex. Vulnerability is inherently part of sex; it's more or less the most intimate form of human connection, and it's not without risks (definitely including emotional risks when I say that). And particularly if you've never had it before, it's going to make you feel downright uncomfortable in certain ways. Those are pretty universal feelings. I'd find it odd if a person said they've never once felt vulnerable in regards to sex (and they weren't lying). And of course certain personality traits will lend themselves to some people finding the vulnerability much more difficult to navigate than others. 

 

Also, not wanting/having/liking casual sex has nothing to do with being asexual. I have no real interest in it and have never had it, and I'm not ace.

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DoYouUnderstand

The (very) few times I've had sex, I felt so vulnerable and in danger that all I wanted to do was get it over with. It's weird, I've never been sexually abused or anything but I just feel like a predator is waiting for me to let my guard down so it can strike.

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3 hours ago, mzmolly65 said:

Here's my take on the subject - my complete history of sex has been wash, rinse, repeat. 

 

I meet someone I am physically and sexually attracted to.

We have sex (sometimes I took my time getting to know this person and sometimes it was casual sex).

I don't actually enjoy the sexual act, even if I achieve an orgasm.

We repeat this one or more times but over time it becomes a boring chore for me since I'm not really enjoying myself. 

I get to a point I'd rather not have sex very often or at all.

They leave me.

Same happened to me too but they cheated on me twice before they left me. (But I didn't do PiV and I'm not into casual sex. I'm also not sure if I ever felt sexually attracted to them). They were my only partner.

 

Quote

 

I'm sick of it, I'm tired of being hurt by people who have sexual expectations of me, I'm tired of not fitting into the sexual profile of "normal", I'm tired of being dumped by selfish assholes who think sex is the most important thing in a relationship (never mind if everything else is great).  My husband, whom I have known for 11 years, 5 of them married has decided he's unhappy and wants to end our relationship. 

 

So .. I've gotten to a point where I feel so vulnerable having sex that I'd rather not ever have sex again with anyone.  There's no point if I don't like it and they will hurt me emotionally.  But, I hate the thought of growing old alone and the odds of finding someone to share life with that feels the same way I do is highly unlikely.  I'm so tired of it all.

I got left after 14 years. I'm scared the same stuff will happen again if I were in a new relationship. I'm not really interested in sexual stuff anyway. But sometimes I miss the feeling of being special for someone. Being grayromantic doesn't make things easier too...😔

 

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everywhere and nowhere

I agree with @CBC that not desiring casual sex, by itself, says nothing about a person's orientation. But in general, for me it's a very bad evolution of modern sexuality. Really, is casual sex now something that anyone must consider? Are there no people who say: no, I exclude such a possibility because it simply goes against my values? Are there no people who are allosexual, but would rather never have sex with anyone than have sex with someone they don't love?

 

The topic in general kinda rings a bell for me. I have recently framed something similar as "a trust issue": precisely because I'm sex-averse, I instinctively perceive sex as requiring immense amounts of trust. For me it is hard to imagine how could someone do such an extremely intimate thing with a stranger. As for myself, I don't see myself ever trusting anyone in this way. It's not even being "distrustful", it's about a form of vulnerability I just couldn't bear. The very thought of even undressing in anyone's presence, even in darkness, is so frightening that it would be absurd to ever try, I can't imagine any outcome other than myself breaking down in tears.

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One of the things hookup culture addressses is the needs of people who are aro but sexual.  I’m sure there are plenty of people it doesn’t appeal to, though.

 

In other threads I’ve seen some of the sexual people here on AVEN talk about the vulnerability involved in sex as one of the appealing things about it....

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Telecaster68
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

One of the things hookup culture addressses is the needs of people who are aro but sexual.  I’m sure there are plenty of people it doesn’t appeal to, though.

 

In other threads I’ve seen some of the sexual people here on AVEN talk about the vulnerability involved in sex as one of the appealing things about it....

Probably me among them. 

 

It's not exactly the vulnerability, but that in being desired and accepted sexually by someone, you've made yourself as vulnerable as you can be, and it's gone fine. And they've done the same with you, and it's also gone fine. That's where the closeness and intimacy comes from, and I don't think anything else comes up close to it. It's also why being sexually rejected hurts so much and is such a big deal - you've made yourself vulnerable and you've been rejected. The other person has said 'I don't feel that level of trust and safety with you', effectively.

 

However much asexuals say it's not personal, it just... is, to sexuals. 

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28 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Probably me among them. 

 

It's not exactly the vulnerability, but that in being desired and accepted sexually by someone, you've made yourself as vulnerable as you can be, and it's gone fine. And they've done the same with you, and it's also gone fine. That's where the closeness and intimacy comes from, and I don't think anything else comes up close to it. It's also why being sexually rejected hurts so much and is such a big deal - you've made yourself vulnerable and you've been rejected. The other person has said 'I don't feel that level of trust and safety with you', effectively.

 

However much asexuals say it's not personal, it just... is, to sexuals. 

I really wish I could understand this better, as I feel like my lack of understanding is handicapping me... but I just don’t seem to be able to.  I have sometimes felt physically vulnerable in sexual situations, where someone is in a position to injure me in some way and doesn’t seem to get that/take it seriously, but I don’t feel nearly as emotionally vulnerable as I do in other settings.

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everywhere and nowhere
33 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's also why being sexually rejected hurts so much and is such a big deal - you've made yourself vulnerable and you've been rejected. The other person has said 'I don't feel that level of trust and safety with you', effectively.

 

However much asexuals say it's not personal, it just... is, to sexuals. 

Yes, but it's also about vulnerability. It's not rejection - at least a sex-averse person simply CANNOT make themself so vulnerable to anyone, is unable to bear it. It's not "I don't care about you" - it's a cry: "I would try... I would if it wasn't so TERRIFYING!!".

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CirothUngol

@CBC I came here to say almost exactly what you said. Same as always, a day late and a dollar short.^_^

@Nowhere Girl agree on what you said about both orientation and casual sex. I never really understood the term "casual sex" as it's used. I understand what it means, I just disagree with the nomenclature. Casual as opposed to what, formal sex?

I tend to feel that all sex should be casual, as in relaxed, desired, Pleasant, and consensual. If sex is not all of those things to a person, then it's my belief that they simply should not engage in it.

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Telecaster68
14 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Yes, but it's also about vulnerability. It's not rejection - at least a sex-averse person simply CANNOT make themself so vulnerable to anyone, is unable to bear it. It's not "I don't care about you" - it's a cry: "I would try... I would if it wasn't so TERRIFYING!!".

I get that, and I know it's not personal in that its not us, the sexual partner. But in that you're presumably not even in a situation with anyone else where the issue comes up, it is *just* us, so it feels personal. 

 

And I think this is where the whole trope about asexuals having intimacy problems in general comes from. If it's not about intimacy with one partner, then it's about intimacy in general, surely? At least, intimacy in its sexual manifestation. 

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Telecaster68
6 minutes ago, CirothUngol said:

Casual as opposed to what, formal sex?

As in casually going out for a meal with someone as an opportunistic one off, versus a regular date night where its part of a wider relationship, for instance. 

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Telecaster68
Just now, mzmolly65 said:

I need to feel safe and trust someone before I will share with them the fact that I don't find sex appealing.  Inevitably sexual people consider this a "challenge" they need to overcome or they think I'm crackers .. which only leads to the end of the relationship and destroys the trust I gave them.  I didn't ask to be this way and trust me, with all the hurt I have experienced over being non-sexual, I would rather be normal like everyone else.

 

So it's pretty much the inverse for you... 

 

I can see how that could be a problem, as both of you would have significant commitment by then, and most people would be assuming sex would probably be on the agenda, because it normally would be by then. 

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9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If it's not about intimacy with one partner, then it's about intimacy in general, surely? At least, intimacy in its sexual manifestation. 

It may be more that sex doesn’t feel “intimate” (in the sense of connection, bonding, etc.) to some (many?) asexuals.  So there isn’t any “intimacy in its sexual manifestation,” beyond how the word is sometimes used as a euphemism for PIV intercourse.

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7 minutes ago, mzmolly65 said:

I need to feel safe and trust someone before I will share with them the fact that I don't find sex appealing.  Inevitably sexual people consider this a "challenge" they need to overcome or they think I'm crackers .. which only leads to the end of the relationship and destroys the trust I gave them.  I didn't ask to be this way and trust me, with all the hurt I have experienced over being non-sexual, I would rather be normal like everyone else.

 

Yes, exactly!

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5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So it's pretty much the inverse for you... 

 

I can see how that could be a problem, as both of you would have significant commitment by then, and most people would be assuming sex would probably be on the agenda, because it normally would be by then. 

...and when it takes more trust to feel safe risking the various negative reactions, which all lead to the demise of the relationship, that it does to just have sex, that’s the road to where several of us - from one perspective or the other - are today.

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Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It may be more that sex doesn’t feel “intimate” (in the sense of connection, bonding, etc.) to some (many?) asexuals.  So there isn’t any “intimacy in its sexual manifestation,” beyond how the word is sometimes used as a euphemism for PIV intercourse.

Most sexuals would say that the intimacy from sex is more intimate than other intimacies, or at least it can be, especially in a relationship (I think because it's physiological as well as emotional). I guess there's no real way of knowing if at least for some asexuals, that extra level is just missing, or if they feel something just as intense in conversation, or cuddling, etc. Even if they can't imagine feeling anything more intensely intimate than, say, cuddling, sexuals can, and I think tend to have a hard time time believing asexuals very from cuddling what we get from sex. 

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, mzmolly65 said:

hear, hear ...

to me everything in the relationship can be extremely intimate if you give someone your heart, soul, trust and commitment (the willingness to grow old together and love each other through the wrinkles and gas and dentures and diapers) but suddenly you add in sex and I feel disconnected and slightly betrayed.

 

I don't understand how someone can say they love you but be upset with you for not wanting to do something you find unpleasant.  I don't ask my loved one to go for a root canal every day.  Sex never feels good to me so I don't understand why people want sex all the time and are then mad at me when I don't want the same thing.

I don't mean this unsympathetically, but just as information. It's the whole they've offered vulnerability and you've said you don't safe enough with them to offer it back. 

 

In a little confused though - it seems like partly you don't want sex because you just don't (obviously fine), and also that you find that amount of intimacy and vulnerability frightening, so you don't want sex. I'm not sure how they mix together. 

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3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Most sexuals would say that the intimacy from sex is more intimate than other intimacies, or at least it can be, especially in a relationship (I think because it's physiological as well as emotional). I guess there's no real way of knowing if at least for some asexuals, that extra level is just missing, or if they feel something just as intense in conversation, or cuddling, etc. Even if they can't imagine feeling anything more intensely intimate than, say, cuddling, sexuals can, and I think tend to have a hard time time believing asexuals very from cuddling what we get from sex. 

Yeah, since no one can really know what it’s like to experience things as someone else, it’s hard to tell.  I don’t personally find cuddling all that intimate-feeling but conversation definitely can be.

 

It’s hard to even know if the people who’ve “changed sides” either direction can definitively answer the question, because there’s no way to be sure they experienced “what a typical sexual - or asexual - experienced” earlier in their lives.

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3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's the whole they've offered vulnerability and you've said you don't safe enough with them to offer it back. 

Subtle difference, but it’s really “...they’ve offered [what they consider the ultimate] vulnerability and heard you say you don’t feel safe enough with them to offer it back.”

 

Because that’s not really what at least some aces are (hearing from the sexual, or) saying (in response).  

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Telecaster68

One formerly asexual poster on here did say that 'discovering' their sexuality felt like finding an extra gear when driving a car. 

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1 minute ago, mzmolly65 said:

It has become a vicious cycle so now I don't see the point in trying to be with another person because they will just leave in the end no matter what.

Same.  One of the things my husband says bothers him most about leaving me (assuming that’s what he decides to do) is the idea that I will end up alone... but I’m tired of this particular merry-go-round and don’t see the gain in getting back on if I am indeed kicked off another time.

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3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

One formerly asexual poster on here did say that 'discovering' their sexuality felt like finding an extra gear when driving a car. 

Understood, but there’s no way to know if that person’s experience of asexuality was the same as others’.

 

For a long time I thought I was sexual but that’s turned out not to be true.  Another poster identified as ace a long time but ultimately learned they are gay.

 

I’m not trying to invalidate anyone’s experience.  I’m just saying that if orientation is innate it’s possible that those who discover their orientation late will experience “what they always thought they were” differently than others do.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, mzmolly65 said:

.. and understanding my lack of sexuality was exactly that for me.  Only now I see a very sad and lonely horizon on the other side of the wind screen.  I used to think I could find the right partner who could "turn on" my enjoyment of sex (sexuals always think that anyone not enjoying themself is just not doing it right).  After many painful years of trying I am willing to admit that's not going to happen and the prospect of finding someone like me seems like finding a needle in a haystack.

Yep, exactly.

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