Why do I have so much trouble accepting myself?

[Flump222]

I began questioning myself last year in December, yet that questioning phase has persisted for a very long time (I even posted a rant about it just recently). I've had it go in phases, and I have fully accepted myself as ace before moving back to self-doubt. I don't understand why I still even have this problem in the first place. After I learned what asexuality really was (previously I thought it meant exclusively aromantic) I thought that I could be ace. I'm made a ton of posts, and people there have said that I could very well be asexual. Yet the doubt persists. Before that I never had doubts about my identity at all. I thought I was straight. I always knew that if I were ever in a relationship, it would be with a girl, and I thought that I would want sex when I was older. This thought that I would desire sexual things was further compounded upon by the fact that I masturbate, and do so with the assistance of images. However, I know now that these things don't keep me from being ace, but I still can't seem to shake the doubt.

 

I don't really have confidence in my own assertions, which is why many times I turn to others for help and confirmation of my thoughts, but even when I did that it still didn't seem to help me. I also tend to want to be as close to 100% certain in things as possible, and because I tend to see things in a black and white matter, any less than 100% is not good enough. I know that it's not a good way to think but I can't stop. Is this persistent doubt caused by me thinking that I'm straight for most of my life, or something else? What should I do to accept myself and gain a bit more confidence in my identity?

[Blissful_Sins]

I can't really help you out here except to say this one thing: You know yourself better than anyone else knows you. You need to figure this out on your own.

Most of my friends at uni think I'm bisexual, not biromantic asexual, like they don't believe the asexual part. You think that bothers me? I know I'm an Ace. If that changes in the future, so be it, but for know I'm an asexual, and I know myself. You need to figure yourself out on your own w/o listening to what people say you are.

 

Oh plus, you can be a straight asexual technically, or if you think you're straight... sexual, then yeah sure why not.

[Welsh Ace]

I used to feel a bit like that, having doubts about myself, about my identity, not feeling comfortable in my own skin. It only really started getting better since the start of this year, especially during the last few months for me.I think seeing more ace representation on TV did help me slightly, as did realising that the only person who know me is me. I will say that some asexual do masturbate and might do so over images. Asexuality is more of a lack sexual attraction than it is to do with sex drive or libido (although I am a sex-repulsed asexual myself, I do masturbate but not over any images. But the fact I do masturbate does not make me any less asexual.) 

 

It is a very difficult mind set to get out of, once you are in it. I understand that totally and what worked for me might not be what will help you. I am not sure there is even any tricks to accepting yourself. It is very difficult, it is not something that comes easily, I can only say that the only person who knows you is you, but trusting yourself is the hard part and there is no easy tricks to becoming more confident in yourself or your identity. To be honest, I am not exactly sure what worked for me, it just sort of clicked one day. 

[Claire1983]

50 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

I don't really have confidence in my own assertions, which is why many times I turn to others for help and confirmation of my thoughts, but even when I did that it still didn't seem to help me. I also tend to want to be as close to 100% certain in things as possible, and because I tend to see things in a black and white matter, any less than 100% is not good enough. I know that it's not a good way to think but I can't stop. Is this persistent doubt caused by me thinking that I'm straight for most of my life, or something else? What should I do to accept myself and gain a bit more confidence in my identity?

Man I feel this so hard.  I haven't been at it as long as you have, but I keep going back and forth.  My past experiences have muddied the waters a bit since I thought I was straight and never knew asexuality existed until a year ago. It's very hard to shift your entire view of yourself like that.  I'm as close to certain as I think I can reasonably be, but there's still that voice in the back of my head saying "Are you REALLY sure."  I don't know how to fix it, but have you come out to anyone?  Perhaps talking about it would make it seem more real.  I've only told my therapist and two friends at the moment, but saying it outloud did help a bit.

[Flump222]

On 5/20/2018 at 6:40 PM, Claire1983 said:

Man I feel this so hard.  I haven't been at it as long as you have, but I keep going back and forth.  My past experiences have muddied the waters a bit since I thought I was straight and never knew asexuality existed until a year ago. It's very hard to shift your entire view of yourself like that.  I'm as close to certain as I think I can reasonably be, but there's still that voice in the back of my head saying "Are you REALLY sure."  I don't know how to fix it, but have you come out to anyone?  Perhaps talking about it would make it seem more real.  I've only told my therapist and two friends at the moment, but saying it outloud did help a bit.

I have come out to my friends and parents. Heck, I even wore an ace flag to school once (as a cape). I have recently been talking about my doubts with my friends, mostly over text. Maybe it'll work better if I say it out loud.

[Claire1983]

15 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

I have come out to my friends and parents. Heck, I even wore an ace flag to school once (as a cape). I have recently been talking about my doubts with my friends, mostly over text. Maybe it'll work better if I say it out loud.

Ah, well as I said, I think it can just take time.