Heartbroken

[Lostsoulmate]

The love of my life came out to me as asexual. We broke up because he couldnt accept my sexuality and his only solution was that if i were to stay id have to give up sex all together. He could not stand the idea of me fullfilling my needs as a sexual person. I was at one point seriously considering hypnotherapy to supress my needs. He would not compromise at all with me. It was be celibite or leave. Thing is that i loved him years before he and i ever had a relationship. He faked sex with me a few times and sometimes didnt want to at all and this upset me deeply. I thought id done something wrong. Thing is we had a year and a half relationship in which i thought he was sexual. He hid this all from me until it was 2 late to understand what was happening and i got scared of not being able to have sex an broke up with him. He has recently said to me "i do not want you" and "we cant be friends". These statements cut deep because this person was my close friend before all this happened. Also i do not mean to offend but recently a close mutal friend of ours told me during an anguish episode that he thought he was lying about being asexual. Not for shitty reasons but because he nudged him in the shoulder and pointed at a skinny girl making the hump gesture. Also he would comment on hot or sexy girls in music videos. Could it be that he lied to get out of the relationship? Or mabye he did those thing to seem "normal" in front of our friend. Whatever is going on all i know is i love him unconditionally and have from the minute that our eyes met. I regret daily walking away from this man and wouldve stayed in a non sexual relationship with him while respecting his asexual orientation but not if he couldn't accept my orientation and needs that go along with it. Please if anyone knows what to do or why this is happening id appreciate any advice. My heart and soul aches so badly. He told me in tbe end that someday he hopes to wake up to me ready to come home to him but it would mean celibacy even with myself.  He bought me a promise ring and intended to marry me. Im willing to give up the idea of sex with him ever and go home but he has shut me out completely and it feels like I'll forever regret losing him because i couldnt rap my head around an orgasmless life. I messed up so badly . please someone help me. feels like the other half of my soul was ripped away and ill never love the way i loved him again. My one true love and unfortunately my last.

[Orianaro]

That sounds really rough, I'm so sorry  Heartbreak is hard.

 

Don't blame yourself for this so much: it sounds like he recognized his problem for a while to the point of hiding it, but it was up to him to talk to you about it and know that he should start a discussion about it. And it's not your fault that you didn't recognize it, or that you didn't make that easier, because you weren't aware and that's okay. He probably scared himself with the idea of being ace. From the sounds of it, he's still somewhat confused. And that makes sense. Ace people can still recognize when people are attractive, and it might have become a habit of his to act that way, making jokes and being suggestive doesn't mean you're attracted to that person, but he's probably still somewhat confused and that's fine.

 

It sounds like he's cut you out of your life because, after bottling up his feelings for so long, he can't help but associate you with fear/anxiety. Keep in mind, that's just a guess, that might not be true at all. But that's one possibility for why he doesn't even want to be friends, the anxiety just built up so much from the relationship that he needs some time and space away from you. Maybe over time he'll be okay being friends again, maybe something else, and that would be awesome but don't hang around for that because that might never happen. Finding closure is really, really hard. 

 

A couple of things: you can still masturbate even if your partner doesn't want sex. Unless your partner was actually against your sexuality. If he can't stand your sexuality, then you really have an issue and you should not compromise with that and the break up was for the better. Because no one should change or hide their sexuality for someone else: him included, too, and he might have just been feeling the effects of having done that for you for the length of the relationship. Telling someone you're not okay with their sexuality is not a good thing if you're using it as a way to compromise. But if he really just doesn't want a sexual partner, then cutting that of cleanly without compromising was probably one of the best moves he could have made. He also might not mind your sexuality, but was saying that almost in a panic to avoid compromise discussion because he just needed out, and just needed space to himself. It might be something totally different though, too. You might have misinterpreted each other.

 

It sounds like the relationship got pretty rough near the end for him, and maybe you, too. If you really are comfortable with no sex if you were with him, though possibly masturbation (and he shouldn't have control over that, that would be very unfair, unless its to say he doesn't want to be involved which makes perfect sense), then try giving him some space for a bit and then sincerely express that. Try not to push it, though. And I don't know the full situation: please, use your judgement on everything I've said, that was just my interpretation of your words and I could be totally off base or maybe have given nothing but something to think about. And remember, it might be that the break up was the best choice in the end. Even if you were happy to be celibate, he might have been plagued with guilt that he wasn't letting you fulfill yourself. You might have become unhappy over time. Who knows: but try to let that regret go, there's nothing you can do about the past now, so just focus on what you can work with and all the possibilities of the future  

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Lostsoulmate. Have some cake...

 

I'm sorry that you got into this situation. But you made the right choice. Mixed relationships are difficult at best. And since your ex did not offer you an acceptable compromise, and apparently didn't spend too much effort to discuss different options, yours was doomed.

 

42 minutes ago, Lostsoulmate said:

Thing is that i loved him years before he and i ever had a relationship.

It takes more than love to make a relationship work. While you're probably not in the condition to see that right now, your capability to love has not been destroyed. You can even continue to love your ex, but as a (former) friend rather than a potential partner. And once you have adapted to the new situation, you have the chance to fall in love with someone else.

 

44 minutes ago, Lostsoulmate said:

"we cant be friends"

Well, that's something people say when they think they cannot deal with their feelings. The end of the relationship probably hit him hard as well. Focus on your own feelings. Take some time to mourn, then move on. You can still offer your friendship later. Maybe he'll be over it as well and you can be friends after all. Or maybe you can't. That's his choice then.

 

48 minutes ago, Lostsoulmate said:

a close mutal friend of ours told me during an anguish episode that he thought he was lying about being asexual. Not for shitty reasons but because he nudged him in the shoulder and pointed at a skinny girl making the hump gesture. Also he would comment on hot or sexy girls in music videos.

Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean that folks don't feel aesthetic attraction. Many asexuals can perceive what others consider sexually attractive, although it isn't sexually attractive to themselves. And if he's with a friend with whom he customarily exchanges that kind of boy talk, he might well act that way.

 

52 minutes ago, Lostsoulmate said:

Could it be that he lied to get out of the relationship?

Possible. I'm not going to speculate about the likelihood. Would it make a difference to you? You have the choice to believe him, to believe that he's not sexually attracted to anyone, and that it's nothing personal about you. Or you can consider him a liar who wanted to get out of the relationship but didn't have the guts to break up with you. So he made you ever more miserable, until you broke up with him. Either way, the relationship is over and won't come back. Which version will make it easier for you to accept that?

 

58 minutes ago, Lostsoulmate said:

he hopes to wake up to me ready to come home to him but it would mean celibacy even with myself

So he hopes to wake up and have the parts of you that he wants, but not the rest which is part of your personality. Gee, how selfish. No, he doesn't want you, your person, your individuality. He wants someone to give him exactly what he wants, without demanding anything that he doesn't want. And he hopes that you'll be so desperate as to give up yourself and squeeze into that role. That's NOT how relationships work. In fact, that's exactly how relationships fail.

 

1 hour ago, Lostsoulmate said:

Im willing to give up the idea of sex with him ever

DO NOT! Do not give up yourself. That idea is a temporary overreaction. Take some time, talk to some friends. Maybe enjoy sex, with yourself or some person who's willing to participate without desiring a long-term committment. Don't make a rash decision. And certainly not to get someone back who's not interested in accommodating your needs as well as his own.

 

1 hour ago, Lostsoulmate said:

it feels like I'll forever regret losing him

Yes, it feels that way now. Wait how you feel in a month or two, let alone in half a year. You want to commit to him for life? Then certainly waiting a few months won't make that much of a difference, right?

 

1 hour ago, Lostsoulmate said:

ill never love the way i loved him again

First cut is the deepest? Yes, you'll never love that way again. You'll be a different person once you get over this. You'll have grown from it. And you'll learn to love in different ways. Maybe not as exclusively, certainly not as unconditionally. But no less meaningful, and just as deep.

 

1 hour ago, Lostsoulmate said:

but not if he couldn't accept my orientation

That's the point. ALWAYS remember that. If necessary, put up a sign with it in your room, to remind yourself. You didn't break up on a whim. You broke up because it was necessary to protect yourself from more emotional harm. It won't get better if you go back into the old situation.

 

Cheers, and all the best! You'll manage.

[ryn2]

@roland.o had great advice, so I’ll just add that - from what you said about his not sharing his sexuality with you and the jokes he shared with his friend - it sounds like your ex might have been trying really hard to fit in/be what other people expected him to be... right up ‘til he just couldn’t anymore.  That’s more like lying to himself than maliciously lying to you.

 

Regardless, I’m sorry you are going through a rough time and hope you are on your way to feeling better.

[NickyTannock]

I was going to write a lengthy reply, but as others have already, I'll say welcome to AVEN, and I hope your heart mends.

 

[James121]

I’m going to be blunt but it’s not intentionally insensitive. You may love him but he sounds like an a**ehole. From what I read, you are most probably better off out of it! Go and find true love with someone who does actually want to share the type of contact you desire and crave instead of having the plastic relationship you’ve described where either fakes sex or tells you you’ll just have to go without. He is the definition of selfish.

[MrDane]

I would not recommend celibacy. I dont think supressing your needs is a good idea. You mentioned “orgasmless life”, could he be okay with giving you an orgasm, maybe by using toys or ...? It could just be like giving a massage to get rid of pain in the shoulders, but given out of love. 

[uhtred]

This is really hard, but ending the relationship is really for the best. Now each of you can find someone compatible.  Some mismatched couples live their entire lives in misery, neither able to end things "just because of sex" even though the sexual mismatch is making both deeply unhappy.