Jump to content

What to do if your relatives are very conservative


Recommended Posts

I've been trying to tell my relatives about my asexuality for several months and as you can see by the title, I haven't successed in it.

They simply can't understand it and think that this is weird and " You just haven't tried yet". They also claim that asexuality doesn't exist and call me a maximalist.

For example, when I tried to come out as asexual, my mom said that the woman's life goal is to have a husband and a bunch of kids. At that moment I decided not to risk and just keep quiet about  my asexuality.

But it really bothers me since my relatives have started to think that I'm mentally not ok or they just make a disguisted face when I try to explain what my position about relationships is. Do you have any ideas how to deal with it? I'd be very glad if you could help me

P.s. sorry for mistakes, I'm not that good at English

Link to post
Share on other sites
The Sad Ghost

Okay, so let me get this straight. Based on this I suppose that your family would be disgusted if you had a lots of sex? But now they are disgusted bc you haven't had sex and don't want it? Interesting. They seem to go with this "women should save themselves for their husband"-logic. I have always thought that people who believed in this thought women had a low libido or something, but they are uppset bc you don't want sex.

I would say that your life goal as a woman is whatever you make it, if it is to have a lots of children or to climb mountain Everest, that is all fine.

 

You could show this to your family; https://www.asexuality.org/?q=family.html

Link to post
Share on other sites
NickyTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't have any ideas for you, as I haven't told my family that I'm Asexual because of how conservative they are.

 

10.jpg

Link to post
Share on other sites
15 minutes ago, The Sad Ghost said:

Okay, so let me get this straight. Based on this I suppose that your family would be disgusted if you had a lots of sex? But now they are disgusted bc you haven't had sex and don't want it? Interesting. They seem to go with this "women should save themselves for their husband"-logic. I have always thought that people who believed in this thought women had a low libido or something, but they are uppset bc you don't want sex.

I would say that your life goal as a woman is whatever you make it, if it is to have a lots of children or to climb mountain Everest, that is all fine.

 

You could show this to your family; https://www.asexuality.org/?q=family.html

Thank you so much for your advice!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
31 minutes ago, The Sad Ghost said:

Okay, so let me get this straight. Based on this I suppose that your family would be disgusted if you had a lots of sex? But now they are disgusted bc you haven't had sex and don't want it? Interesting.

Which is why I don't really believe all this "sexophobia" stuff. Yes, conservative cultures tend to rigorously regulate under which circumstances people may have sex - but they are not anti-sex! In fact if someone is "personally anti-sex", if they want not to be sexually available for anyone, they are much better off in less conservative cultures where they at least have a choice over their lives.

However, our modern culture isn't so good either because it exerts a lot of pressure on people who don't want to have sex. But at least if, in a somewhat extreme case, a woman is able to resist that pressure, but her family is trying to force her to marry, she could even go to court with that and ensure that her family doesn't violate her choice to be sexually unavailable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Renshyu said:

or they just make a disguisted face when I try to explain what my position about relationships is

Don't preach to people that don't want to listen. Don't explain yourself to people who don't care.

 

3 hours ago, Renshyu said:

" You just haven't tried yet"

Roll with that. "I don't know anyone I'd like to try it with." Don't try to convice others that you never will. It's none of their business anyway.

 

3 hours ago, Renshyu said:

my mom said that the woman's life goal is to have a husband and a bunch of kids

Roll with that as well. "When I find the right one..."

 

What are you trying to achieve by convincing your relatives?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous

I'd personally question why you're trying so hard to come out to them. Is it really about asexuality (a sexual orientation, which is 100% about sex), or because you're not interested in dating or relationships? If it's the former, I don't see why they'd need to know this about you at all, especially if they're not open minded about stuff like that. I mean, it's literally telling your parents/family about your sex life, which is kind of weird, though I guess it depends on your relationship(s) with them. If what you really want them to understand is that you're not interested in dating/relationships/hooking up/etc., that can be a bit more of a pain (especially if they nag you) but you don't really have to say anything about asexuality anyway. 

 

"I'm not interested in that right now."

 

"I'm focusing on other things."

 

"I'll find someone if/when I'm ready."

 

They don't have to accept or even know about asexuality for you to tell them no. It might not entirely get them off your back, which sucks, I know, but it's probably better than confusing them more with "I don't want sex". Which is, honestly, beside the point anyway.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, roland.o said:

What are you trying to achieve by convincing your relatives?

They just started asking me questions. And I tried to give them answers. But it's probably not the thing they wahted to hear.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

My advice: don't waste your time arguing. Do what you want in your life, and if they become even more of a pain, distance yourself and dpend time with supportive friends, nice people with similar interests, etc. It sucks that your family is like this, but they can't change who you are.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, StormySky said:

My advice: don't waste your time arguing. Do what you want in your life, and if they become even more of a pain, distance yourself and dpend time with supportive friends, nice people with similar interests, etc. It sucks that your family is like this, but they can't change who you are.

Thank you so much for your piece of advice! I appreciate that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Renshyu said:

They just started asking me questions. And I tried to give them answers.

I see. When they ask questions, be evasive. "Haven't found the right one yet", "Want to make a career first", "The time will come", something like that. :D:cake:

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, roland.o said:

I see. When they ask questions, be evasive. "Haven't found the right one yet", "Want to make a career first", "The time will come", something like that. :D:cake:

Thank you! I hope they will let it go soon.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Renshyu said:

I hope they will let it go soon.

They'll never stop asking, ever. But they'll ask less frequently once they understand you won't give a satisfactory answer.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

it hurts when the people who I am close to don't understand who I am. I'm not going ask you to accept me, but please give me the space and opportunity to pursue my self identity.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry I disagree with everyone saying why do you have to tell them or just don't care what they think type of stuff. I also have a kinda conservative family and I often have to use the evasive question tactics that people listed above instead of just saying I am asexual. Lying so much about something that is very important to someone's self identity just hurts sometimes. Of course the OP should make sure they don't say anything there not comfortable with, but evading things forever just feels negative. Like your evading your self identity or ashamed of it. The whole idea of just don't care what they think is good advice in theory but hard to actually do when you really love your family. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...