Confusion over touch

[Rainshine]

I’m new, so not sure if this is the right place. But I’ve always been confused by touch and wanted to see if others have had similar experiences/if it’s related to asexuality. I find it really confusing when other people, particularly friends from high school and college, start hugging me a lot or sitting too close to me- I don’t know how to describe it other than I get very uncomfortable and don’t understand their intentions. Partially I think that might be because I experience sensual attraction along with romantic attraction so I usually associate the two. But I often feel like I’m not close enough to the person for that level of contact. I’ve learned how to set boundaries over time, but touch is something that’s still very uncomfortable for me and feels like an intimate part of myself. Is this a common experience or just a quirk specific to my personality?

[Karoushi]

Nah I'm pretty sure a lot of people are the same way. People have their boundaries when it comes to how much physical contact they are comfortable with depending on their relationship with the other person. I wouldn't think that there's any other ulterior motives outside them just being friendly, because a lot of people are just touchy when it comes to acquaintances and they may not even realize it. 

[smittyw]

I feel this way a lot too. I usually don't mind when friends are "touchy feely" or give hugs, hold hands, etc. as long as it is not all the time. But I still get confused and kind of embarrassed when it happens, because I am usually very closed off and I don't know if the person sees me as a closer friend than I see them.

 

My theory would be that aces are more likely to feel uncomfortable with physical touch because it is so closely associated with both romantic and sexual advances. If you sense that someone is trying to flirt via touch and you're ace, you will probably get a little uncomfortable with the situation.

[veronii]

I think that everyone has simply their boundaries set differently. When it comes to my friends and hugs, holding hands or random strokes, I'm usually ok with them doing this to me. However, the worse part of this is that I feel like I should do the same for them, which is not always the best idea. I'm usually so clumsy and awkward doing it that it would be really weird if they didn't see it. So, I'm more like a passive receiver.

[Guest]

It's a personality thing. Some people are touchy with everyone, some aren't. Personally, I only let a very few people hug me. And anything closer, like cuddling or hand holding or various other touches are reserved for partner only. 

[Dark Heart]

I'm a bit of a contradiction - I have an aversion to touch and being in close proximity to people (applies to strangers, friends, family, etc.) which fluctuates but I'm a very affectionate and tactile person.

 

Example - I hug my parents often, but when my family went out to eat the other day and I was seated between them, I felt the beginning of a panic attack.

 

I think a lot of it boils down to control --> I touch others or otherwise consent to being touched (or put myself/consent to being put in close proximity) = I'm okay. You surprise me = I do not react well.

[BooViva]

I don't really think it's connected to asexuality. For me, it's more of a psychological factor. It may be connected to the person's past - like an event or childhood, or it may just be a piece from a subconscious fear, which root is not connected to some kind of trauma or something like that.

 

I also hate people touching me. Especially if it's my face, neck and hair and which is even more weird - if it's a caress. I also don't like people hugging me - I feel confused. But I know for a fact, that it's psychological, since If I'm the one initiating it, I'm okay with touching/skinship. In my case, it's just because I grew up away from my father and my mother worked a lot. She scolded me every day and almost never hugged nor kissed me, so affection now makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not used to it and when I experience it on me, it just feels fake.

 

Then again, you may be just extremely introverted. Introverted people are also not very touchy-feely. And either way, it's totally fine

[Homer]

4 hours ago, BooViva said:

Introverted people are also not very touchy-feely.

There are a lot of introverts who are pretty open to touch... once they became comfortable.

[Lara Black]

4 hours ago, BooViva said:

Introverted people are also not very touchy-feely. And either way, it's totally fine

I agree with @Homer here. I’m an introvert and extremely touchy-feely, as you put it. My partner is even more of an introvert and he’s no less into touching than I am. So I don’t think there’s a direct connection.

[winchester.kaz2y5]

As someone who is not only an anxious wreck but also starved for affection, I think it has to do with setting, ex. I would gladly cuddle my boyfriend all day but when someone sits too close to me I start panicking, partially due to consent and partially due to the person I think.

[BooViva]

On 5/26/2018 at 12:12 AM, Homer said:

There are a lot of introverts who are pretty open to touch... once they became comfortable.

May be. Won't argue that. It's just my observation and personal exp.

[white crayon]

I’m kind of weird about touch myself. It depends partly on my mood, partly on the person, and partly who initiates the contact. For example, if I’m upset and my mom tries to hug me I’ll freak out and push her away but sometimes I’m pretty much craving a hug from a friend, especially when I feel lonely. I don’t know whether it has anything to do with my asexuality or not, but you’re not alone in disliking being touched.