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I'm not asexual but I'm dating a girl who is, how should I to about things with her?


Pablo_Escapade98

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That's a very broad request. Gotta be more specific.

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ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø

First of all, welcome to heAVEN. Have some cake.

 

Second, I won't be of much help, but I do hope you get the knowledge you need.

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Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

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Well, maybe you should ask her... it's a good start. Everyone's different. Some are ok with kissing, others won't even go that far.  (I'm guessing what to say based on the title, you should edit it to be more specific.)

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COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!

 

Talk to her about what she is comfortable with, what she likes, what she doesn't like, et cetera. I'm sure she'll be more than happy that you care about her feelings.

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AcornCarvings
On 5/19/2018 at 4:03 PM, Hazel_Elise said:

COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!

 

Talk to her about what she is comfortable with, what she likes, what she doesn't like, et cetera. I'm sure she'll be more than happy that you care about her feelings.

Yep! Communication and consent are really, really important!!!

Be really aware of how both of you are feeling and make sure you don't pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do. And remember that just because you have a certain type of relationship does not mean that there is a prescribed set of activities or things that you need to do. There are probably all sorts of things that you can find that you would both enjoy that don't necicarially involve sex. (I am ace, but I enjoy cuddling and kissing my partners' bodies/having my body kissed but not kissing on the mouth. Different ace people like and don't like different things. Get to know what she is and is not comfortable with.)

Just make sure she knows it's ok to say she is uncomfortable with something, and that not wanting to do something is not bad, and that saying that she doesn't want it is really good and strong and important. (positive negation - when someone says no to something, the act of saying no can be made a positive thing)

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I think if you are really really keen on her, you need to communicate with her so that you both end up having what you want/need out of the relationship. It’s that conversation that is most likely to lead to an understanding as to whether your relationship has any future in the long term.

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Telecaster68
6 hours ago, AcornCarvings said:

Yep! Communication and consent are really, really important!!!

Be really aware of how both of you are feeling and make sure you don't pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do. And remember that just because you have a certain type of relationship does not mean that there is a prescribed set of activities or things that you need to do. There are probably all sorts of things that you can find that you would both enjoy that don't necicarially involve sex. (I am ace, but I enjoy cuddling and kissing my partners' bodies/having my body kissed but not kissing on the mouth. Different ace people like and don't like different things. Get to know what she is and is not comfortable with.)

Just make sure she knows it's ok to say she is uncomfortable with something, and that not wanting to do something is not bad, and that saying that she doesn't want it is really good and strong and important. (positive negation - when someone says no to something, the act of saying no can be made a positive thing)

What about if what's acceptable to her isn't acceptable to him?

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3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

What about if what's acceptable to her isn't acceptable to him?

Still better to know that, no?

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Telecaster68

Yes, but 'communicate' is advanced as a panacea, as though all asexuals need to do is explain it's not personal, it's an orientation, etc. and it'll be fine. 

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Communication is overrated. When my ex and I were getting premarital counseling, the pastor learned that she was majoring in communication and I was majoring in psychology. He told us we knew more about marriage than he did. Our marriage was a disaster.

 

You have to want the same things out of life or at least have your wants be compatible. If you want to live in New York and she wants to live in California, the two of you will constantly be pulling away from each other until the relationship breaks. If you have to have sex and she absolutely refuses to have sex, you are not compatible.

 

That's what went wrong in my marriage. All she wanted from me was sex. I wanted a partner. She didn't want to be a partner and I didn't want sex.

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AcornCarvings

There's also options like opening the relationship to some extent (not necicarialy totally open but some monogamish configuration) so you can get the needs you have from someone else. If that becomes a problem.

The idea is to get to know both of each others' needs and boundaries, then working in the overlap of both of you would be cool with doing. And if some of your needs couldn't be met by her (or the other way around, idk) then you either need to look at changing the form your relationship has, and really looking at if it really is sustainable in the long run. Some things just won't work out, but others you can work around.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yes, but 'communicate' is advanced as a panacea, as though all asexuals need to do is explain it's not personal, it's an orientation, etc. and it'll be fine. 

I see it more as a starting point... until all the cards are on the table you don’t know what the issues are, where you can consider compromise, etc

 

Talking about it doesn’t guarantee a successful outcome but it’s pretty impossible to solve a problem you don’t know about.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Telecaster68
On 5/23/2018 at 7:06 PM, ryn2 said:

I see it more as a starting point... until all the cards are on the table you don’t know what the issues are, where you can consider compromise, etc

 

Talking about it doesn’t guarantee a successful outcome but it’s pretty impossible to solve a problem you don’t know about.

It's a start, not a solution. 

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47 minutes ago, MrDane said:

@Pablo_Escapade98 dont expect sex. Be okay with not having it. Then you migth get sex. 

I dislike that. That assumes that every asexual just needs gentle patience. Some asexuals might respond to gentle patience but you can't assume anything about asexuals. The variety of different kinds of asexuality means that many still won't be sexual no matter how patient you are.

 

Again, if the two of you have incompatible desires, YOU WILL TEAR APART.

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, bejjinks said:

That assumes that every asexual just needs gentle patience.

MrDane said 'might', not 'will', so I think you're saying the same thing. And there's more than one asexual who's said that when their partner stopped wanting sex, the lack of pressure made them more likely to want sex, much to their own surprise.

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5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 And there's more than one asexual who's said that when their partner stopped wanting sex, the lack of pressure made them more likely to want sex, much to their own surprise.

That's what happened to me (I started wanting sex when I got with someone who didn't expect nor need it) and it's that which made me realize I wasn't ace.  Once you want sex, you know you're not ace. An actual asexual wouldn't get to the point of 'wanting' sex or they wouldn't be ace. However, it's great that they realized they're actually a sexual person who just needs those specific circumstances (their partner not wanting sex, freedom from the pressure to have sex etc) to awaken that desire in them!

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

MrDane said 'might', not 'will', so I think you're saying the same thing. And there's more than one asexual who's said that when their partner stopped wanting sex, the lack of pressure made them more likely to want sex, much to their own surprise.

It's not what happened to me.

 

Before I got married, she promised to be gentle and patient. On the outside, she looked gentle and patient but deep inside her heart she misinterpreted everything about it. She told herself that I was just being a good boy and saving myself for marriage. Then she told herself I was gay. Over and over she twisted it around because she just never could except that I hated sex.

 

So maybe if the OP truly accepts that sex will NEVER happen, then sex might happen but don't lead the OP on in any way to expect sex. If the OP secretly continues to expect sex, then the OP will continue to put covert sexual pressure on his girlfriend and will continue to misunderstand his girlfriends true feelings because of his secret expectation. His girlfriend may desire sex ONLY if the OP can truly be okay with NEVER having sex.

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Telecaster68

 

1 hour ago, bejjinks said:

His girlfriend may desire sex ONLY if the OP can truly be okay with NEVER having sex.

 

Yes, that's what me, MrDane and Fictovore said.

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5 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

That's what happened to me (I started wanting sex when I got with someone who didn't expect nor need it) and it's that which made me realize I wasn't ace.  Once you want sex, you know you're not ace. An actual asexual wouldn't get to the point of 'wanting' sex or they wouldn't be ace. However, it's great that they realized they're actually a sexual person who just needs those specific circumstances (their partner not wanting sex, freedom from the pressure to have sex etc) to awaken that desire in them!

Same. I only was able to desire anything sexual once I was with someone that was OK with nothing sexual. Which is weird, I know, but the pressure of someone expecting it from me is just enough to make me never want it to begin with. 

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On 6/4/2018 at 9:42 AM, bejjinks said:

I dislike that. That assumes that every asexual just needs gentle patience. Some asexuals might respond to gentle patience but you can't assume anything about asexuals. The variety of different kinds of asexuality means that many still won't be sexual no matter how patient you are.

 

Again, if the two of you have incompatible desires, YOU WILL TEAR APART.

I didnt assume that. If they are asexual, then they will never be sexual, but they MIGTH be okay with having sex and MIGTH even enjoy it. But a good way to get closer (to the sexual act) is to remove stress and discomfort. This could be done by showing that you are okay with not-having sex. Kind of an oxymoron. 

 

Ace: ‘do you want coffee?’

sexual: ‘well, sure. But we can also just sit here without coffee’

ace: ‘I’m glad you didnt expect me to make your coffee, and therefore I made it for you! I think I will have a cup too”

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Telecaster68
24 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Ace: ‘do you want coffee?’

sexual: ‘well, sure. But we can also just sit here without coffee’

ace: ‘I’m glad you didnt expect me to make your coffee, and therefore I made it for you! I think I will have a cup too

In rare cases. More frequently:

 

Ace: ‘do you want coffee?’

Sexual: ‘well, sure. But we can also just sit here without coffee’

Ace: ‘I’m glad you didnt expect me to make your coffee, I hate coffee and now it's clear you don't mind never having it again. We shall never speak of this again, because:pressure. '

 

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40 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In rare cases. More frequently:

 

Ace: ‘do you want coffee?’

Sexual: ‘well, sure. But we can also just sit here without coffee’

Ace: ‘I’m glad you didnt expect me to make your coffee, I hate coffee and now it's clear you don't mind never having it again. We shall never speak of this again, because:pressure. '

 

If the next step is...

Sexual: “that’s not what I meant, let me explain”

 

...that’s more likely to ultimately get somewhere useful than...

Sexual: <rolls eyes to self but says nothing>

 

...even though the latter feels easier at the time.

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That’s where we are lol. Thought that me  to abstain from having coffee for a while if she didn’t want it was the right thing to do. Thinking that reducing the pressure for us to need to have coffee would make us want to try it occasionally and maybe mutually start to enjoy it a bit or learn to tolerate it somehow or find some compromise or common ground.  But 6 months down the line  it looks like we’ve gone so long without coffee and as I haven’t died or explODed or anything she’s proved that we don’t need coffee and there’s no point or need for it and so we’re never having it again. I’ve never been addicted to anything but sex is like an addiction - I’m thinking about it everyday. The Thing is it’s really hard to give up on an addiction when you don’t want to give up on it. 

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

If the next step is...

Sexual: “that’s not what I meant, let me explain”

 

...that’s more likely to ultimately get somewhere useful than...

Sexual: <rolls eyes to self but says nothing>

 

...even though the latter feels easier at the time.

'Let me explain' is also pressure, often, apparently. 

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34 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

'Let me explain' is also pressure, often, apparently. 

It is.  Anything that reminds someone of an unpleasant topic is bound to feel like pressure.  But if you do talk there is at least a slim chance of positive change.  If you don’t, there is none.

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21 hours ago, ryn2 said:

It is.  Anything that reminds someone of an unpleasant topic is bound to feel like pressure.  But if you do talk there is at least a slim chance of positive change.  If you don’t, there is none.

Uh, not quite. To explain is to go beyond merely talking about it. To talk about it assertively means to use I statements, to express emotions, and to be willing to take no for an answer. "I would like to have sex but if you don't, I'll back off." To explain is to treat the other person like he/she doesn't understand and to assume that if he/she understood, then he/she would do what you want. "Please let me explain. I really want sex. No? You obviously don't understand. Please let me explain. I really want sex. . . ."

 

So "Let me explain" is pressure.

 

A far better way is to say, "Here is my side . . . now help me understand your side." In other words, do more listening, less explaining.

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