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Am I asexual, or is it something else? Help!


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Hi all! This is my first post on AVEN. I signed up because I really want to have a place where I can get down all my thoughts and feelings and get other people's opinions. I'm a bit confused and could use the insight.

 

I honestly don't know if I fall anywhere on the asexual spectrum. For a long time now I haven't really been interested in relationships, sexual or romantic, with others, and the only ones I've had I've dubbed 'experimental' or 'just plain disasterous'.

 

I'm going to give some context here, which might be a little TMI. When I was younger, being of the generation with newly granted access to the wonderful world of the internet, I made lots of friends online, and lots of my 'experimentation' happened with these people. I roleplayed sexually and eventually advanced to what I can only describe as phone sex. And I enjoyed it. I experienced horniness, and I enjoyed the experience. However, I wasn't really... attracted to the person themselves. That never really happened. I just went to whoever I felt closest to at the time when I felt pent up. It's also worth mentioning that I now feel some level of embarassment, shame and discomfort knowing I did these things, but it's not that extreme.

 

My only real relationship was truly a terrible way to start off my dating adventure. To keep it short, he was emotionally manipulative, and my first real and only remotely sexual experience was with him. I tried to convince myself that I was attracted tp him for his sake, but I was lying to myself. I kissed him dispassionately, feeling grossed out all the while, and felt uncomfortable and even violated (especially when he touched my breasts without asking, which I quickly put an end to) when he touched me. I did things I wasn't comfortable with, like letting him into my room and my bed, and touching my ass, all out of fear of upsetting him. I really didn't reciprocate any more than I needed to, since I was frozen with anxiety, and I couldn't have imagined letting it progress to full-blown sex. I think this entire debacle might have contributed to my present attitude towards relationships.

 

I look at guys and can appreciate them aesthetically (and especially good taste in fashion) but I don't ever feel any desire to do anything sexual with them. That feeling is sort of alien to me, and seeing my friends get involved sexually with people makes me wonder how it feels like to be them. I don't feel like I could ever make time for a relationship (I've always been a fan of my own company and quite introverted). Recently, when one of my friends began to get more close to me and touchy-feely, I unsurprisingly had a dream that succinctly summed up my feelings about the situation (sharing a bed with said friend with a constant feeling of looming anxiety - my bed is a private place).

 

Gosh, this post is getting long and ranty but I feel I should mention something else too. I am an avid reader and I unabashedly read tastefully written erotica sometimes, but I am only really affected by the depicted events if I have a close connection with the character. This led me to believe I might be demisexual, however I KNOW it's a bit stupid to think this could possibly be generalised to real life, but it's a bit hard for me to put it to the test. Ha ha.

 

So yeah. To sum up, I've experienced arousal, but sexual attraction? Not so much. And even my sex drive has dried up like a river in the Sahara, and I can't remember the last time I masturbated. It holds no interest or value to me (partly because it's so unsatisfying, and always has been). It's been a few years now since I broke up with my ex, and I've been like this for a while.

 

Thank you for reading. I'd appreciate it if someone could help me make sense of this, because frankly, it confuses the bejeezus out of me.

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You sound asexual to me. Demisexual would only be if you felt sexual attraction after forming a close bond with people in real life, not in fiction.

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23 minutes ago, TheAP said:

You sound asexual to me. Demisexual would only be if you felt sexual attraction after forming a close bond with people in real life, not in fiction.

Yeah, I know. It was a really silly thing to bring up, really. It's just I have a really limited amount of experience under my belt and it's hard to tell, and even though I have had plenty of people who've probably met the 'pre-requisite', the attraction just never came to be.

 

So yeah, maybe you're right then. Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it.

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atpsynthace

Oh man, you commented before I could get mine posted! I was just going to say that what I would call my "ace experience" has a lot of common elements to what you've described (namely, I'm capable of feeling aroused and not repulsed by sex/erotica in a fictional setting, but in real life, it's pretty much an instant no for me). It sounds to me like you def have a valid reason to think you're ace! I understand the confusion though--it took me years to figure myself out, lol. Good luck!!

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7 minutes ago, atpsynthace said:

Oh man, you commented before I could get mine posted! I was just going to say that what I would call my "ace experience" has a lot of common elements to what you've described (namely, I'm capable of feeling aroused and not repulsed by sex/erotica in a fictional setting, but in real life, it's pretty much an instant no for me). It sounds to me like you def have a valid reason to think you're ace! I understand the confusion though--it took me years to figure myself out, lol. Good luck!!

 

Wow, it feels really nice to know there's someone else out there who has experienced something similar! Thank you so much for responding. I will say I haven't started thinking about all this up until recently, since I was never really bothered. However getting older and feeling miles behind the rest really makes you think, huh?

 

I'm really glad I decided to finally post here, haha!

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