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A bit of complaining


Lara Black

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Traveler40
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

Same here I think

We were just on vacation in a very romantic place.  It was so painful to see lots of other affectionate loving couples, while we were...sort of like friends.  I'm starting to try to avoid ever going to places where lovers go. 

Been there as well uhtred.  It was depressing, yes, but it’s sad to me to opt for acceptance and avoidance as opposed to trying to rework your situation somehow.  You can chose to work towards change rather than simply accept sadness without hope.

 

This too shall pass Lara.  I’m sorry to hear you’re blue at the moment.

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NapoliGirl
2 hours ago, uhtred said:

Same here I think

We were just on vacation in a very romantic place.  It was so painful to see lots of other affectionate loving couples, while we were...sort of like friends.  I'm starting to try to avoid ever going to places where lovers go. 

Yes, I know exactly what you mean.  The pain is visceral for me most often when we are vacations (that's when things should be at their best, right?  no work, no routine, the excitement...), so you'd think once in awhile he'd go wild and hold my hand even, instead of treating me like a sister. 

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

it’s sad to me to opt for acceptance and avoidance as opposed to trying to rework your situation somehow

I think I'm in acceptance & avoidance mode. It's really hard to see/hear people expressing attraction to their partners.

It also makes me feel very isolated. I don't get to have that, *and* I can't talk to anyone about the pain or sadness of it -- except here. (And my partner, who is comforting, but that also makes me feel all the more pathetic about it.)

I hope you feel better, @Lara Black! Narratives of strength are often the ones that help, and I love @Tarfeather's metaphor for playing the game in "hard mode".

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2 hours ago, Tarfeather said:

I wish C. would have realized the implications of what she was saying without me bringing it up. Her lack of empathy tires me out a lot more than does her asexuality.

Honestly though? I didn't know what the implications were until my gf told me after the party that she was really hurt, and then I thought about it and only then realised how it came across. :( so i dunno, it's not really something i'd have noticed, and that's part of what makes me feel bad about it too. 

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9 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

My wife has explicitly said this. I was fairly gently, but persistently asking questions trying to understand what emotions she did experience in our relationship, and eventually she said 'you're trying to dig down to something that just isn't there'...

My (not exactly ace) partner likes to respond with "I don't think about things as much as you do" when I try to figure out how she feels about anything. :P 

 

So yeah I'd say it's just a personality thing, more than an orientation thing. 

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Telecaster68

Probably the more pensive half of any partnership is the one that ends up here, I guess. 

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7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Been there as well uhtred.  It was depressing, yes, but it’s sad to me to opt for acceptance and avoidance as opposed to trying to rework your situation somehow.  You can chose to work towards change rather than simply accept sadness without hope.

 

This too shall pass Lara.  I’m sorry to hear you’re blue at the moment.

I tried for 30 years. Much too long.  Usually I'm fine, its only when I'm surrounded by reminders of what I'd like life to be like that it is sad. 

 

I hope young people will find this site and learn to avoid the sort of mistakes some of us older folks have made.

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Traveler40
11 hours ago, uhtred said:

I hope young people will find this site and learn to avoid the sort of mistakes some of us older folks have made.

Agreed.  It’s also part of why I keep contributing  here, to give back.  It amazes me that it took so long to understand and define the issue within my home, and I am so thankful to AVEN and the contributors.  

 

I don’t know if I would have made a different decision in retrospect given our 2 beautiful children and otherwise amazing life.  Shoulda, coulda, wouldas aren’t worth our time uhtred.  It’s now and what’s to come that has my attention.  

 

We attended a Gala this evening in support of our children’s school. They attend a school with a clearly defined mission and larger message of HOPE. I left thinking that the hope for our children’s future should be extended to ourselves:  It’s never too late to make a change for the better and taking action towards that end is vital.

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Lara Black

Thanks, fellows. Really, this helped.

First of all, despite many sexual minds immediately jumping to the link between asexuality and being unemotional, it’s not really there.

And reading about other people’s experience really helps me feel not alone. So, again, thanks to everyone who responded.)

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I get the feeling, @Lara Black! It usually happens when light shines upon a basic pain.

like when I could really use a warm, appreciative, caring hug because I feel stupid, ugly, worthless or just plainly plain and boring, and she instead states her rigth to not be touched, and ask me to move to the other part of the couch. At that point, I am baffled and feel things fall apart inside of my head/heart. Later I come to terms with how she works and how the need to not give a hug, has nothing to do with her love for me. She didnt see my reason for wanting the hug and she wouldnt have chosen a hug as a mean to “get over” the same issues.

 

I should have said: look, honey. I had a terrible day and my head is full of worries. I could use a hug to ease my mind. Will you hold me for a few minutes?

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