uhtred

Is this common for ACEs?

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uhtred

I'm married for many years to what I model as a nearly-asexual woman. 

 

What is (to me) unusual, is that she does talk about wanting sex.  She will make comments about how we will have time on the weekend, or tomorrow, or on our next romantic vacation.  She sends me sexy emails, wears slinky lingerie around the house.  But when the time comes around, she almost never wants to actually go through with it. 

 

In practice sexual activity s between 2 and 5pm on sundays, if we are at home, and if we have finished all chores, and there is nothing else we need to do. (which is about every other week). Each  time afterwards she generally says it was great, and how we should do that "more often", often with specific times / situations suggested. Then nothing happens.  If things are busy, we can go months without. 

 

I think she thinks that she really does want sex in the future. I think she really does enjoy it - or she is a damned good actress. 

 

Any questions are always met with some specific objection: she is tired, sick, stressed, busy.  Any of which are OK, but it is extremely rare that any of those things keep her from doing things that she wants to do. 

 

 

So, have other ACES experienced being attracted to the *idea* of sex, but not wanting to actually go through with it when the opportunity is presented?

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Aroace_bookworm

Yes, that's called lithsexual. It means 'a person who experiences sexual attraction, but has their feelings fade if reciprocated'

(I'm not completely sure, correct me if i'm wrong)

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element83

Maybe she is just sick, stressed, tired, or busy.  A lot of people find that while many hobbies can be done while stressed, sick, or tired... sex can be difficult (since the body has to cooperate a lot more than for other activities in order to make it enjoyable).  My hypersexual partner won't have sex when he's stressed, sick, or tired... even though he'll do other things under those circumstances... because it's harder to maintain an erection and he doesn't want to have to put that much effort into having sex, when it's supposed to be enjoyable.  He's not asexual by any means, though.

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ryn2

I don’t know if it’s the same thing but, as an introvert, I experience a similar-sounding phenomenon with social engagements.  If someone invites me to something a couple of weeks away, it sounds fun at the time of the invitation and I agree to it.  Invariably, at the time, it instead seems horribly stressful and I really want to bail.  More than I should, I do cancel with excuses like not feeling well (which is only partly untrue; I do feel unwell, but it’s probably stress-caused).  If I suck it up and go I have fun, and I mean it when I say we should do it again... right until “again” gets here.

 

That, or she could be doing her best to provide what she thinks you want.

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uhtred
13 hours ago, element83 said:

Maybe she is just sick, stressed, tired, or busy.  A lot of people find that while many hobbies can be done while stressed, sick, or tired... sex can be difficult (since the body has to cooperate a lot more than for other activities in order to make it enjoyable).  My hypersexual partner won't have sex when he's stressed, sick, or tired... even though he'll do other things under those circumstances... because it's harder to maintain an erection and he doesn't want to have to put that much effort into having sex, when it's supposed to be enjoyable.  He's not asexual by any means, though.

I've of course thought about that. In this case though I don't think so because these same issues don't seem to restrict anything else she does.  On vacation I've been turned down for sex because she was tired, but later she decided to go to a late night jazz concert.  She's been feeling too ill for for sex but then gone on a multi-mile hike in the mountains. 

 

She is between jobs at the moment, and her comment when she lots her job was that she would have lots of free time so at least we would have time for sex. Nothing changed. 

 

I really don't think she is lying.  I think  that she sees a situation where she feels that she *should* want sex - but she just doesn't. She then tries to put a label on that lack of desire.  When she talks about sex in the future, I think her interest is real - because the sex is not imminent.  (this would make sense if she didn't seem to really enjoy sex on the rare occasions when it happens). 

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Telecaster68

Have you researched responsive desire, uhtred? Could be that...

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anisotropic
18 hours ago, uhtred said:

What is (to me) unusual, is that she does talk about wanting sex.  She will make comments about how we will have time on the weekend, or tomorrow, or on our next romantic vacation.  She sends me sexy emails, wears slinky lingerie around the house.  But when the time comes around, she almost never wants to actually go through with it.

That does sound unusual to me.

I'm with @Telecaster68 – learning about responsive desire. (I think it's roughly "wanting to feel wanted" – and these behaviors would seem to argue for it?)

And also, talking to your partner about their sexuality, in a way that's supportive and not blaming.

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uhtred
7 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Have you researched responsive desire, uhtred? Could be that...

Yes, but the barrier is very high if that is the case.  In her mind she has a clear divide between "non-sexual cuddling" and "sexual cuddling".  No amount of non-sexual cuddling makes her more open to crossing that barrier.   It feels like before we have had any interaction of any sort she has decided whether on not she want sex, and feels that she cannot change that decision.  Heck there have been times when we were kissing and she said we had to stop because it was getting her aroused and she needed to (sleep, chores etc). 

 

Modeling it as control may be close.  She want sex to be entirely under her control - and a conscious rational decision made beforehand, not something that is changed due to how she is feeling at the moment.   (here beforehand means at the beginning of the interaction) .  Its all very strange. 

 

Its almost impossible to talk to her about it. It always leads to her apologizing, but to explaining in terms of very local specific issues.  "I was just too tired Tuesday, I'm sorry, look I'll get chores done early Thrusday and we can spend the evening in bed".  (needless to say, on Thursday there is some other reason). 

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ryn2
20 hours ago, uhtred said:

I really don't think she is lying.  I think  that she sees a situation where she feels that she *should* want sex - but she just doesn't. She then tries to put a label on that lack of desire.  When she talks about sex in the future, I think her interest is real - because the sex is not imminent.  (this would make sense if she didn't seem to really enjoy sex on the rare occasions when it happens). 

This seems really similar to my social events situation.

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