dac

Am I Asexual?

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dac

I don't know. Maybe that I'm even questioning it is suggesting something. I am a 19 year old student at university, and it occurred to me just a few months ago that I may be on the asexual spectrum. Am I? I don't know. Where on it? I don't know. Have I told anybody? Absolutely not. College is a sexualized experience according to my friends and the media. So am I missing out on it? I have never kissed anyone or engaged in any sexual activity, and I haven't tried. People have tried on me, though, and I've always avoided it. For instance, I was in a club with my friends and went to the side with some guy. He put his hand on my waist and it makes me feel nervous and honestly a little sick. He tried to kiss me and I turned my face away. He put his hand on my butt and I moved it back (thrice. yes, this was actually more like harassment) because I was scared and honestly him having his hand there made me feel a little nauseous. But even guys I didn't meet in clubs, even my friends-- arms over shoulders, fine. hand on waist, sick to my stomach. It isn't the case every time a guy puts his hand on my waist, but sometimes yes. I want to be able to do these things. I'm a sap for a romance novel. I want to be able to kiss someone. I want a guy I like to put his arm around my waist. But how can I get over this? Not that it really matters since I've never dated anyone and I'm not about to start now. I'm the perpetually single one. I've romantically liked guys before, but it's never worked out past friendship, and guys have disappointed me and been jerks to me a lot so I usually just don't bother. Is it possible to be a 19 year old at university with this little experience?

 

I've found people physically attractive. Like Ryan Gosling or Lucy Liu. I don't think it's the same as sexual attraction? But clearly I don't know. I've tried reading definitions for all these things. I went to my school library and took out all 3 books on asexuality. I got informed but for me personally, I got nowhere. I'd really just like to know. I don't think a label defines anybody, but for me personally, it would probably give me a little peace of mind that I'm not a freak. 

 

So I've watched sex scenes in movies and felt something down there. I even tried porn and felt something down there. But I don't know if I'd classify that feeling as pleasant. It's definitely weird, kind of how I feel sick with a guy's hand on my waist. Am I mistaking weirdness for sickness for pleasure? I'm just confused. I don't watch porn anymore, though, because I'd get bored in the middle. Masturbation didn't really occur to me until the women close to me started talking about it a couple years ago. So I tried it a few times and my honest response is "meh". I'd rather be doing something else. I even tried to make a sex story fantasy in my head and got distracted from my own imagination. So instead of forcing myself to masturbate, I just don't. I can't imagine myself in sexy scenarios. I've tried to imagine myself kissing somebody, and either I can't imagine it or it's forced. I can't even think about myself having sex right now. I don't know if I'm disgusted by it or just really nervous and scared. I'm just struggling over here, and what's bothersome is that no one else around me seems to have a similar issue. I'm sure they're there but just as hidden as I am. I've considered going to the LGBTQ center to ask them about this, but it's probably not called the LGBTQA center for a reason and they'll probably just say what the books do. I know the formal definitions. I know the signs depend on the person. I know that it's my choice. I know that I don't need a label to be happy. But what does all of this mean for me? Am I different from the norm? And how do I know?

 

Has anyone out there gone through the same thing? I don't want to be 30 years old, alone and never been kissed. Sex isn't even on the radar. I figure I have much smaller hurdles to jump over first. 

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

You seem Asexual to me at least.

Unfortunately, I can't say that I've gone through the same things you have, as I'm a 33-year-old contented virgin who's never had any relationships, sexual or otherwise.

But if you're questioning whether you're Asexual or not, you might find this post useful, even though you say you've done your research already.

 

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Claire1983

Definitions and labels can be very tricky since they tend to be a bit broad, especially with asexuality when you're trying to say that you don't feel something that everyone has told you you should.  It does sound very possible that you're asexual.  I think the most helpful thing for me was to read other people's stories and find people I can relate to.  

 

As for finding people attractive, you can be asexual and still appreciate beauty or want a relationship.  There are different types of attraction.  Sexual, romantic, aesthetic, and sensual.  You can experience all, some or none.  Finding people attractive or even wanting to date or cuddle with them doesn't equate to sexual attraction.

 

Don't worry about the age thing.  I was 23 before I had sex, had very little dating experience.  I didn't learn about asexuality until I was 33 (now 34)  Having spent a decade and a half trying to be "normal" I can tell you that you're better off not forcing yourself to do things that you don't want to do.  I don't regret it, but I wish I'd known a decade ago that asexuality was a thing.  I think I would have been a lot more content with myself if I had known rather than trying to be something I'm not.  Don't let yourself be pressured into doing something you're not comfortable with just for the sake of experimentation.

 

I would encourage you to at least check out the LGBTQ center.  There could be any number of reasons they don't have the A, but that doesnt' necessarily mean they won't acknowledge you or be a helpful environment for you.  Good luck!

 

 

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