TeamYellowUmbrella

Is this normal for demisexuals or is it more gray?

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TeamYellowUmbrella

I have only had sexual attraction for three people in my entire life.

 

The first time was when a guy and I spent time together and quickly felt a spark. We would sit close together with our legs touching and stare longingly into each other's eyes.  I didn't even know that I was being turned on, but I figured it out months after the fact. When we stopped seeing each other daily, that kind of attraction stopped on my side. He was the only one on this list I didn't start falling in love with to any degree (we only knew each other for a month or two when we stopped talking).

 

For the second person, we dated and started doing some sexual things like kissing each other on face/chest and dry humping with pants on. This sexual attraction was constantly fleeting and very inconsistent, but it was there. After he broke up with me, the sexual attraction was gone...and even in a negative way from being like "It was disturbing to know who he really is and how I fell for his persona".

 

The most recent one is my best guy friend. He was the one I have had the most sexual attraction in my whole life. He is one of the nicest people I have ever met and we were connected through our deep conversations. I fantasized about him doing the things to me that my ex did that I loved, but nothing involving penetration or giving him oral. Starting to feel sexual frustration (for the first time!) and knowing he and I were close enough for me to tell him how I felt, I did. I thought he really felt something back, but he rejected me. The sexual feelings left into thin air just like that when I found out.

 

I am someone who has always fallen hard for someone from their personality first (and I didn't get to know the first guy well enough to know him too too well). It takes time to find these people physically attractive for a while because they are my friends first. I find guys cute, but almost never hot or sexy (only occasionally did with my ex when I was feeling turned on, and that was rare to begin with). Long story short, does the instantaneous end to sexual attraction (even if we stay emotionally connected like my best friend and me) sound like a demi or gray thing? I think it is related to knowing there isn't a true reciprocation for the last two while the first one was just ignorance and not being ready to get into anything serious. Thanks everyone!

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roland.o

Yeah, that sounds demi. Once the bond vanishes, so does the attraction. :cake: :D Could happen to sexuals as well though. The characteristic thing about demi is how long it takes to establish the bond in the first place.

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FictoVore.

How old are you? I ask because this seems like a pretty average amount of sexual partners for someone under 20. I mean, I'm almost 30 and have only been 'properly' sexually attracted to one person in my whole life and I don't ID as anywhere on the ace spectrum :o You can identify however you want of course, but what you describes doesn't really sound out of the ordinary! Regarding the 'losing attraction' thing, that also isn't something specifically related to demi or grey. I certainly would lose all desire to be intimate with someone in any way if they rejected me, that's a sickening feeling and can really kill any desire very quickly  (that's not true for everyone of course but certainly not everyone continues to desire intimacy with someone after they've been dumped/rejected!)

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TeamYellowUmbrella
2 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Yeah, that sounds demi. Once the bond vanishes, so does the attraction. :cake: :D Could happen to sexuals as well though. The characteristic thing about demi is how long it takes to establish the bond in the first place.

The thing is my best friend and I still have a bond which confuses me about the whole demi idea.

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TeamYellowUmbrella
2 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

How old are you? I ask because this seems like a pretty average amount of sexual partners for someone under 20. I mean, I'm almost 30 and have only been 'properly' sexually attracted to one person in my whole life and I don't ID as anywhere on the ace spectrum :o You can identify however you want of course, but what you describes doesn't really sound out of the ordinary! Regarding the 'losing attraction' thing, that also isn't something specifically related to demi or grey. I certainly would lose all desire to be intimate with someone in any way if they rejected me, that's a sickening feeling and can really kill any desire very quickly  (that's not true for everyone of course but certainly not everyone continues to desire intimacy with someone after they've been dumped/rejected!)

I am 20. One a year since I turned 18.

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FictoVore.
38 minutes ago, TeamYellowUmbrella said:

I am 20. One a year since I turned 18.

You can of course use whatever label feels best for you!  What you described doesn't sound different from many people I have known that are your age but if a label like demi or grey helps you feel more comfortable then it's up to you which you use. Asexuality is NOT experiencing sexual attraction ever (not desiring sexual intimacy etc) so lots of people disagree over whether demisexual is even asexual at all anyway, but that's a completely different topic :P hopefully you can work things out :):cake:

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Dia Nicole
On 5/17/2018 at 5:13 PM, TeamYellowUmbrella said:

The thing is my best friend and I still have a bond which confuses me about the whole demi idea.

I felt that way at first too. I have only ever felt sexual attraction to one person and after we broke up the sexual attraction just went away. We date for 2 1/2 years. It took two years for the sexual attraction to form and maybe two weeks to fully disappear. Also, we were still best friends and ended up with a stronger bond then when we were dating but no sexual attraction. So maybe part of it could be the rejection. Like knowing he didn't feel that way for you made it easy for that part of the bond to break in a sense. Also remember that demi might have a outline definition but everyone is different and so the definition is really personally defined. I have very strong emotional bonds with people but it has to be a strong emotional and romantic bond for me to feel sexual attraction and it takes a long time. Some people try to say that I'm grace but to me demi just feels and sounds right and so that's how I choose to define myself. If demi sounds and feels right to you then use that label and if not then keep searching.

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