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On 5/17/2018 at 2:35 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Anyone thinking of seeing it with their asexual partner?

 

I only see a possible positive outcome if both sexual and ace partners agree to go see the movie while knowing what the movie is truly about. Last thing you want is having your ace partner "freezing" on his/her seat in the theater.

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Telecaster68

Everybody's different. It seems a common experience though that bringing up the subject at all, in any way, is enough for some people to feel pressured and close down. I don't think either partner has the right to continue that for months/years over something significant in a relationship, and if straightforward approaches have been tried (which I'm assuming they have), I don't think it's too far out of line to try other techniques. If the noncommunicative partner feels they're manipulative - tough.

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Telecaster68
2 hours ago, Nidwin said:

 

I only see a possible positive outcome if both sexual and ace partners agree to go see the movie while knowing what the movie is truly about. Last thing you want is having your ace partner "freezing" on his/her seat in the theater.

Er yes. It hadn't occurred to me that someone would go to see a film without checking out what it was about.

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Er yes. It hadn't occurred to me that someone would go to see a film without checking out what it was about.

If they check out what it’s about a lot won’t go.

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6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I don't think either partner has the right to continue that for months/years over something significant in a relationship

It’s probably more gut-level than intentional but that doesn’t mean the other person bas to tolerate it.

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Which says something in itself. 

...that it makes them very uncomfortable, as above.

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Telecaster68

Having a fundamental part of a relationship brushed under the the carpet makes me far more than uncomfortable. It's just not good enough. 

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Honest question here, one I’ve been thinking about a lot... if (for the sexual, and I know this is not universal) sex without desire does not suffice, what is there really to talk about?  On this particular relationship component, I mean...

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Telecaster68

Some sexuals have said, and I think I'd be okay with this, that with a bit of mental effort, they could be okay with an asexual partner who they were sure was getting something out of it, maybe a combination of physical and enjoying giving pleasure. Put that together with the rest of the relationship being good, it would be okay in the round. It depends on how sustainable it would be long term though. 

 

ETA: but you're right, if the sexual can't get their head round not being desired, just as if the asexual just can't have sex, there's no compromise possible. 

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There may still be an overall relationship compromise possible in those last examples but it wouldn’t be one of having some sex.

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Traveler40
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

There may still be an overall relationship compromise possible in those last examples but it wouldn’t be one of having some sex.

The quality of the compromise and level of fulfillment in life matters.  There are folks doing this (some forced) across these threads, but how happy with their compromise do they seem? 

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NapoliGirl
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

The quality of the compromise and level of fulfillment in life matters.  There are folks doing this (some forced) across these threads, but how happy with their compromise do they seem? 

Compromise...it's interesting.  I don't want to get into politics too much, but in the past few administrations here  in the US,  I feel that "compromise" has become a dirty word.  There is no reaching across the aisle anymore, it seems, in Congress.  If you are a compromiser, you are a traitor to your own party, at least that's the vibe I've been getting.

 

Now, in relationships of all kinds, compromise plays its part and is really necessary, don't you think?  In mixed orientation unions, though, I think sustainability is a huge issue, because we are talking about what is for many sexuals, a basic need in a marriage/long-term relationship.  I know, I know, you may argue that it is not a need as crucial as air to breathe, water, food, no we are not going to die without sex, but nevertheless it is part and parcel of a fulfulling marriage/long-term relationship.  Sure, compromise, in the short term, can work and be the answer; however, in the long term I think it wears you down, particularly for the party for whom the compromise is most difficult. 

 

For example, for the asexual who is ok with engaging in sexual relations once in a great while, compared to the sexual who really is trying to manage the need/desire for relations much more "frequently" and/or with trying to come to terms with trying to deal with the notion of lack of their partner's desire.  Very difficult to sustain, long-term, in a healthy way, for the sexual partner.

 

Or, conversely, the asexual partner who is there physically for their sexual partner but having to overcome their own issues in order to satisfy their sexual partner's needs at that level of frequency.   Very very difficult to sustain, long-term, in a healthy way, for the asexual partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Telecaster68

There's two ways to look at compromise, I guess.

 

One is where each side feels they've given up more than they'd want ideally; the other is where each side focusses on what they've gained compared to no agreement. Taking the positive approach may well help sustain the compromise.

 

I was thinking about analogies for the long term compromise, and joining in with a partner's hobby comes up frequently, but it's not quite the same intensity as sex. A closer version might be agreeing to go rally driving with them twice a week for the next thirty years, when you really hate being strapped into a car and find fast driving terrifying. It's a lot to ask.

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2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

The quality of the compromise and level of fulfillment in life matters.  There are folks doing this (some forced) across these threads, but how happy with their compromise do they seem? 

Most of them don’t... but it’s also likely that couples where both parties are reasonably happy either don’t end up here or, if the ace person ends up here for un-relationship-related reasons, aren’t talking about that portion of their lives.

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

There's two ways to look at compromise, I guess.

 

One is where each side feels they've given up more than they'd want ideally; the other is where each side focusses on what they've gained compared to no agreement. Taking the positive approach may well help sustain the compromise.

 

I was thinking about analogies for the long term compromise, and joining in with a partner's hobby comes up frequently, but it's not quite the same intensity as sex. A closer version might be agreeing to go rally driving with them twice a week for the next thirty years, when you really hate being strapped into a car and find fast driving terrifying. It's a lot to ask.

Hah, that was my father’s hobby and my mother did just that.  It was only 20 or so years, though, not 30.  Once I came along affording the cars and finding someone to watch me became too challenging.

 

But, yes, I look at compromise from the positive perspective.  That’s probably why hearing only the negatives frustrates me.

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NapoliGirl
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

One is where each side feels they've given up more than they'd want ideally; the other is where each side focusses on what they've gained compared to no agreement. Taking the positive approach may well help sustain the compromise.

 

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

But, yes, I look at compromise from the positive perspective.  That’s probably why hearing only the negatives frustrates

me.

Well guys, my deal is that for many, many years I did my best to look at compromise from a positive perspective....having a spouse who was "there" and "showed up" for me through thick and thin, really, always having my back, a great provider, a great dad, putting up with my craziness, and all that.  That's what sustained me for a great while.  Security, safety, and yes, love.  It has only really been about 2 years now that the very, very negative perspective has dominated the majority of my thoughts, feelings, and overall life.  The lid of Pandora's box has opened, and there's no shutting it. 

I have tried, I have gotten physically and emotionally sick trying to put the damn stuff back,how I wish the negativity would just disappear and things would go back to "normal" for me.  Counselling, therapy, heart to heart talks, nothing has been able to help me turn back time.  So most days I am firm in my convictions as to my reality and my next steps; most days that is.   I say to myself, "self, you will be living life on your own terms",  And then when the high wears off, some days I am so afraid for what's to come for me, I am turning 55 in a few days, I am so scared that I will be all alone, I am afraid to leave the devil I know for the devil I don't know, I am heartsick at the impending destruction of my family life, but I...just....can't...do....this....anymore.  I continue with individual therapy to try to help me have more of those days where I stand firmer in my convictions and can move forward with confidence.  

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Telecaster68

Yeah, I think for most of us, eventually we just can't take it any more. 

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Sorry, @NapoliGirl... my comment was a general one and not aimed at your situation specifically.

 

Statistically, even when both partners are sexual, an awful lot of relationships ultimately prove

to be too much work.

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NapoliGirl
12 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Sorry, @NapoliGirl... my comment was a general one and not aimed at your situation specifically.

 

Statistically, even when both partners are sexual, an awful lot of relationships ultimately prove

to be too much work.

No worries, @ryn2, I took no offense (even if my tone suggested otherwise)! 

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So many films with a plot spinning around sexual attraction. This could be different. 

I think I will see the film, when on itunes. Perhaps see it first myself? I dont know!? 

 

I just wonder if the movie puts sympathy on one part and does not see the whole picture. Perhaps better if no sexual abuse was interfering with the story.

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Telecaster68

It's only hinted at apparently. The emphasis is on whether the husband did the right thing in leaving the relationship. 

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Traveler40

Have you seen it Tele? What did you think if you did?

 

Edit: um, “apparently”....you didn’t!  🙂 English, not my forté today.  We saw Pink in concert on Friday.  Now THAT is a show I can recommend!  

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Browncoat10
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's only hinted at apparently. The emphasis is on whether the husband did the right thing in leaving the relationship. 

I'd argue the emphasis is on their failure to communicate, and come the end the question is whether ending the relationship was the right thing for either of them. That's what I got from the book at least. It's very well weighted. Not just about the husband's decision.

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Telecaster68

Fair enough. I'm going by reviews and interviews. 

 

My wife has said she doesn't want to see the film, today. 

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Unsurprising

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Telecaster68

I'm honestly a bit shocked at how so many people think it's fine to avoid the subject even though it's causing great distress to their partner. 

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm honestly a bit shocked at how so many people think it's fine to avoid the subject even though it's causing great distress to their partner. 

I don’t think all (most?) people avoid the subject because they think doing so is fine.  In some cases it may make them so uncomfortable that they just can’t get past it... and/or fear of what will happen once Pandora’s Box is opened may put them off talking.

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm honestly a bit shocked at how so many people think it's fine to avoid the subject even though it's causing great distress to their partner. 

I'm the one distressed in my relationship and I am the one that mostly avoids the subject of the thing that distresses me. Because, the alternative is just to bring up what my partner can't change and there is no solution to, so it would be a classic "misery loves company" scenario. Occasionally, I get so upset they end up seeing me sad, that I can't help... but I'm not about to shove the unfixable in their face over and over just to make myself feel a bit better, when I know it's just an incompatibility that I'll have to either live with or not. 

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On 5/27/2018 at 8:23 PM, MrDane said:

So many films with a plot spinning around sexual attraction. This could be different. 

I think I will see the film, when on itunes. Perhaps see it first myself? I dont know!? 

 

I just wonder if the movie puts sympathy on one part and does not see the whole picture. Perhaps better if no sexual abuse was interfering with the story.

for me having seen the movie today, I found myself to have a lot of sympathy for Florence.

 

while communication is an issue for the relationship of edward and florence, there is also the bigger issue i think is overall compatibility.

 

[the spoiler is all about the movie itself, this is the most i think i've written about any movie)

 

Spoiler

I don't really think Florence and Edward were compatible. Did Florence and Edward really have anything in common? Other than getting a first in their degrees, no i dn't think so.  They seemed very opposite people like the relationship in another Saorise Ronan movie. There had been a physical attraction at the cnd meeting but not much else to make them compatible. For Edward, the big impulse to marry Florence is the care she shows Edward's mother. For Florence, maybe her initial thing is to do with first romance and difficulty with the relationship with her parents so marriage represented a possible escape.

 

Another thing is how much Edward reminds Florence of her father. Instead of Edward talking with Florence when Florence is trying to explain, he is shouting at her, similar to how her father had when she arrived  5 minutes or so before their tennis, it was unnecessary but from the scenes with Edward, we learn that Edward too has an anger problem and has shown this in the past and shows it again towards the end of the film. He's also linking to her father by starting to work for him too as a sales man. Maybe this too was an issue

 

The abuse from her father is clear in the movie in comparison to the book, it had been something that had only been picked up by me in the rereading of it.

 

though biggest, she just was not into Edward. I don't think any amount of communication would not solved the deep down problems in the relationship of edward and florence. Maybe if they consummated the relationship, they could have meandered on but would have either been happy? I don't think so. We see at the end that Florence later did get married to another member of her classical group, had a child, had at least music in common (which for me, would be a big thing to have in common for a relationship)

 

overall i don't think it would work as a date movie to try to get it talking, i would worry that using it as such would cause greater friction in the relationship

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