Flump222

Always overthinking and never confident in myself

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Flump222

I've been thinking about this for a while, and I think that I just kind of need to get this out there. Ever since I was young, I knew that I was attracted to the opposite sex, and I always identified as a male, just like I had been born. Up until maybe December of last year, I always thought that I was just straight, and there was nothing more to it. I was always open about a lack of interest in relationships and sex, and many people thought I was asexual, though I assured them that I wasn't (for reasons I didn't specify). I had masturbated for a long time, and I thought that pretty much disqualified me from being ace. I would also feel a sort of draw to look at people, most times based on clothing and such. I don't remember if I was ever aroused by it, but I don't thin that I was, though I still thought at the time that what I was doing would be called sexual attraction. I still experience a similar thing, though now I do get a slight tingle down under. I would definitely not call it full blown arousal, but just a small tingle. It has been slowly going away though, but I digress.

 

After I got over my first crush, which ended in December, I began to question myself. I don't remember exactly why, but I did some research, and was surprised to find out that I may be asexual. I began identifying with the term, and began to accept myself, but then I went through a large bunch of waves of self-doubt. I had never been confident in any assertion that I made, and never trusted myself to find the right answer. I always relied on other people, because they would know better than me, and could confirm what I had concluded was valid. I was very much like this with identity. I asked a ton of question, and people responded, many saying that I may be asexual. But that just wasn't enough, and I still felt lost. I was the only person who could identify myself, but I was also the one person who's answers I didn't trust. 

 

I tried to look for the signs, and anything that I found I overanalyzed to the point of obsession. I asked a multitude of questions about it, here and on Reddit. People would do their best to give support, but it was just never enough, and I felt like I was betraying them. I just wanted to find the right answer, because even though I know it's not true, I view everything in black and white, right and wrong. I was either asexual, or wrong, and being wrong scared me. People said that "You're valid" but all I could think is that what I'm valid because I'm straight? I'm still wrong. I know that people change their identities, but having to possibly do that in the future scares me too. I would feel like I've just lied to myself forever. I've always wanted it to be diagnosable, with some sort of test. I wished a well-established asexual could get inside my mind and say whether I was ace or not. I wanted something better than myself to tell me. 

 

Now here I am, with countless people saying that I could very well be ace, and even my parents thinking so to, even before I told them about it (though they don't know about my masturbation and other deep feelings). I feel like I'm going back into the labyrinth of self-doubt. I'll include a little bit about why I think I may be ace below (which is mostly copied from an older post because I'm too lazy to write this all again).

 

I do masturbate (as I mentioned before), and look at stuff when I do (and I do know doing so doesn't disqualify you from being ace). I feel only the act really interests me (and I only really do it because I'm bored and it feels good). I don't have the thought when looking at someone of wanting to have sex specifically with them, and I just focus on whatever they're doing, rather than who's doing it. I also sometimes have difficulty with fantasies, though they have become easier for me (although they have begun to die down, and aren't really a natural occurrence for me) . I don't really imagine another person with me in it, just sort of an anonymous figure I can imagine a specific person, but that takes extra work and never really adds anything (my fantasies are also gay sometimes, even though I have zero attraction to men, but those have also become much less frequent). I'm indifferent to it at most, and I don't look at people and have a urge to have sex with them or anything. I have had a crush once, and all I wanted with her was just to spend time and stuff, nothing sexual. I've had people say that I may be slightly aromantic, but I don't think I am. I think that I also experience aesthetic attraction, where I have an urge to just sort of look at someone based only on appearance (as I previously mentioned), but I'm not sure because occasionally I get a small tingle in my nether regions. I wouldn't call it full blown arousal, and I don't really get an erection, but it's still a feeling there. Recently it's been happening less and less, and I think that the only reason that it happened in the first place was hormonal things (I'm only 15). And one last thing too, I know that I'm not demi because I feel that the closer that I get to someone, the more unappealing the idea of sex becomes. 

 

So that's it. I don't know if I know who I am anymore. Any thoughts on what I should do? Am I ace at all, or am I lying to myself?

 

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Karoushi

From what you've written, you seem to be asexual. I mean I'm not too far ahead of you in terms of age (like 5 years lol), but with all that hormonal stuff going on, it makes it much more difficult to figure out your sexuality if you're not straight or 100% gay. Masturbation is something people just do. I personally never have the urge to do it, but some describes it as like a necessity if you need, like needing to blow your nose or something. But you're still asexual because you don't feel the need to have intercourse with another person, especially if sex seems less appealing the closer you get to someone. And I overthink a lot too. Hell, even now I'm still questioning my romantic orientation as to whether I may be gay or not. But in terms of your romantic orientation, grey aromanticism is a thing. You can be aromantic but feel romantic attraction on rare occasions. At the end of the day, it's a label. I can tell you to not over obsess over it but being in the same boat, I know that never helps. But you're still at the point in your life where you're figuring yourself out so second guessing your sexuality is normal. And only you really are the one who defines your sexuality, so it's not really lying to yourself as long as your being honest with how you feel when it comes to attraction. I know you've read a lot of other responds but I hope this helped somewhat.

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CasperJ

I think you are probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I know that lying to yourself is very tempting, I did it for over a year. But it’s much easier to just accept yourself, because that is a much healthier thing to do for yourself. But if you still feel like the label asexual does not fit you, it is ok to not know for a while. This stuff takes time to figure out. just keep researching sexualities, romantic attraction and whatever else you need to. But there are so many other sexualities that most people have not even heard of. You will eventually find something that you feel comfortable with. Hope this helped

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