oldsoulvocalist

Question, Storytime: Are Non-Ace People Just Bad At Sex?

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oldsoulvocalist

I've been in relationships, and I'm definitely romantic. I'm new to identifying as ace, but I've always felt it to some extent. In my process of figuring out, I've been sexually intimate with my romantic partners. In my first sexual relationship, my partner was INCREDIBLY sexually attracted to me, and that only grew the more we had sex. Apparently, I was pretty good starting out, but I became better at it, not thinking much about it. After I broke up with her, I had another sexual partner who said that I was the BEST she ever had. Then it happened again. And again. One of my partners said that I was the best at EVERYTHING from kissing to foreplay to oral to just sex overall, and everything in between, and she's definitely been intimate with at least 15 other people. I don't think I'm particularly good at sex or passionate about it, and I've DEFINITELY enjoyed the sex a lot less than any of them, so for me that begs the question:

Are people who are sexually attracted to other people just BAD at sex? What gets in the way of SO many people (likely straight-identifying men) forming bodily awareness enough to create really pleasurable experiences? Is it the libido? Is it the entitlement? Is it a general lack of mechanical and physical knowledge? Is it all of these? More than that? Something else? I'm just really at a loss for how I'm perceived to be so good at sex when I don't even know what constitutes "good sex" for myself.

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divided_sky

I think ace people are just bad at enjoying sex

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divided_sky
7 minutes ago, oldsoulvocalist said:

had another sexual partner who said that I was the BEST she ever had. Then it happened again. And again. One of my partners said that I was the best at EVERYTHING from kissing to foreplay to oral to just sex overall, and everything in between,

You shouldn't deprive the rest of us of your sexual prowess. Maybe if we had sex with you, you'd shake the ace right out of us

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Telecaster68

It might be that because you don't have any inclination to get any pleasure from sex beyond pleasing your partner, you're entirely selfless in bed, which on some level, would make you better - technically - in bed.

 

However, sex isn't all about technique. Passion counts for a lot.

 

Also - in the afterglow over good sex, with the oxytocin flood, sexual people tend to say stuff like that, especially if they intuit their partner is insecure about how well they're doing. It's good manners.

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oldsoulvocalist
8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It might be that because you don't have any inclination to get any pleasure from sex beyond pleasing your partner, you're entirely selfless in bed, which on some level, would make you better - technically - in bed.

 

However, sex isn't all about technique. Passion counts for a lot.

 

Also - in the afterglow over good sex, with the oxytocin flood, sexual people tend to say stuff like that, especially if they intuit their partner is insecure about how well they're doing. It's good manners.

Yes! I definitely get the "selfless" aspect. It makes a lot of sense because the pleasure I derive from sex is in the overall satisfaction and the emotional feelings and well-being, and it feels uncomfortable receiving simply out of the lack of enjoyment, so I invest a lot in giving. And I guess that interest in giving and even undivided attention can be perceived as passion, and I wouldn't deny that it was or is when it happens. Coupled with the emotional intimacy and intent there, it makes a whole lot of sense. Giving a foundation of respect and emotional and physical security is pretty important. And giving SPECTACULAR massages doesn't hurt, either.

Also, happy chemicals sure can and do play a part, and admittedly, I don't know for sure whether or not that was always the case because many of my partners had a really strong fixation on, if not an obsession with, the sexual aspects. So sex was pretty regular.

A lot to consider and a lot of really good points. This was kind of a shitpost borne out of vague real-life confusion, to begin with, but I'm glad there are some interesting discussion points and some discourse here, too.

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oldsoulvocalist
16 minutes ago, divided_sky said:

You shouldn't deprive the rest of us of your sexual prowess. Maybe if we had sex with you, you'd shake the ace right out of us

If it happens, it happens. But at least let me take you out for dinner first! lmao
I'm not trying to deprive people, and I'm trying to figure this whole thing out for myself right now, too!

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karo32
3 hours ago, oldsoulvocalist said:

Are people who are sexually attracted to other people just BAD at sex?

not necessarily. i sometime believe that there is not enough communication in bed. 

3 hours ago, oldsoulvocalist said:

One of my partners said that I was the best at EVERYTHING from kissing to foreplay to oral to just sex overall, and everything in between, and she's definitely been intimate with at least 15 other people. I don't think I'm particularly good at sex or passionate about it, and I've DEFINITELY enjoyed the sex a lot less than any of them, so for me that begs the question:

i pretty much agree with @Telecaster68

But i even if you don't find yourself very passionate, you do sound very considerate and confident. So i think your talent for it' is just you making sure your partner enjoys it. Instead of forcing your own sexual preference or fantasies onto your partner. 

 

3 hours ago, oldsoulvocalist said:

Also, happy chemicals sure can and do play a part, and admittedly, I don't know for sure whether or not that was always the case because many of my partners had a really strong fixation on, if not an obsession with, the sexual aspects. So sex was pretty regular.

Sure it feels nice when it triggers a high dose of dopamine  

but i guess i'm with you, with not always sure what the case is. I don't blame people for having a high sex drive. But i don't always understand the high craving for it, when it have not been stimulated in a while.

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A shard of glass

TBH, my ex was terrible at it... she was the kind of girl who had the "I'll lie here and you do stuff to me" kind of person... so little enthusiasm, so little care for making it fun and interesting... She also cheated on me multiple times... soooo maybe I'm not good at playing the slave 😕

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Nowhere Girl

If I was psychologically able to have sex, I would probably be very bad at it because of my total lack of experience. I don't see a reason to be ashamed of it, particularly since I don't have sex anyway.

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Serran

People tend to tell their at the time partner they are the best they've ever had, cause it's rude to say "I've had better".

 

But, since I didn't care about pleasing myself, I did learn to do a lot of stuff other people couldn't with my exes. And I learned what they liked, didn't like, etc. However, since passion was lacking, it was still eeeeeh compared to sex with someone eager for them, even if pleasure side I was "good". 

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CBC

I don't even know what to do with this... it's one of the strangest incidents of roundabout, faulty reasoning that I've seen lately.

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Telecaster68

There's some stiff competition too. 

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CBC

Always is. ;) 

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oldsoulvocalist
6 minutes ago, CBC said:

I don't even know what to do with this... it's one of the strangest incidents of roundabout, faulty reasoning that I've seen lately.

I'm WELL aware lmao
I was curious about parts of what I originally posted, but this was mostly intended as more or less a shitpost. Glad you're entertaining this as a post, though.

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