R0xanne

My ace friends are sluts

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R0xanne

(they call themselves sluts btw) 

My friends who say are ace and do not experience sexual attraction also really like sex and are involved in the BDSM community. Anyone have an explanation for this?

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Claire1983

I don't know about the sex part, but the BSMD thing, since the kink is the source of the arousal, not a person, that still tracks.  Kind of like aces who like porn/erotica or masturbate.  They can still get turned on, but it has nothing to do with attraction to the people rather the situation,

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bound dust

Technically being ace is described basically as not experiencing sexual attraction and/or having the desire for partnered sex. And all asexuals are different, and have different reasons for why they call themselves asexual. I can't speak for your friends, but I have heard of asexuals who don't experience sexual attraction, but do enjoy sex, being attracted and liking sex are two different things.

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hellogorgeous7

Have you asked your friends? 

As for me, an asexual who enjoys and has enjoyed sex and is also in the kink scene: Attraction is not action. Orientation does not define your sexual activity, e.g. my gay uncle was briefly married to a straight woman; my gay cousin had sex with women before he came out, my pansexual friend has a male spouse. You can be sexually attracted to any gender and not desire sex or have sex. 

 

Also, there's zero sex in my kink, at least so far. I get the subspace, rather than the arousal, after a really good scene.

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CBC

If they're actually voluntarily having a lot of sex, such that they'd qualify for the label of 'slut' (a word/designation I hate, btw), then they're not asexual. Someone is gonna come in here and say "But asexuals can have lots of sex, it's just they're not sexually attracted to anyone!", and to that I call BS (unless, perhaps, it's an asexual in a relationship with a sexual person and they're trying to satisfy their partner and that's literally the only reason they're having sex). If your friends are voluntarily and repeatedly seeking out numerous sexual encounters, they're not asexual no matter what they tell you.

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InariYana

A part of me says - no, that's not ace behaviour. Actively seeking out sexual encounters of whatever kind? Again and again? Doesn't sound very ace to me, but... maybe they have a particular kink and they can't find a non-sexual way to get involved in it? Let's say they love bondage, but all they can find out there is bondage + sex combo, so the bondage part is their thing and they find it incredibly satisfying and seek out experiences like that, but the sex part is... meh, or "yeah, kinda nice, but no, no attraction to these people whatsoever". Hard to say anything more without actually asking them many questions. 

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CBC
1 hour ago, InariYana said:

maybe they have a particular kink and they can't find a non-sexual way to get involved in it? 

Seeing as there are multiple people here claiming to be ace and into BDSM, according to the OP, they could be involved with each other non-sexually if that's all they wanted. And from what I've heard, there's actually a significant asexual community on FetLife or whatever that site is.

 

I just think it's pretty weird for someone to truly qualify as a "slut" and be asexual.

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InariYana
21 minutes ago, CBC said:

 

I just think it's pretty weird for someone to truly qualify as a "slut" and be asexual.

Yes... very confusing :huh: Asexual.. slut? Asexual dominatrix - yes. Asexual sub - absolutely... but slut? 

If I had a really strong kinky side, I would seek asexual fellow kinksters or people who might be sexual but who wouldn't try to have sex with me during those meetings. Even for many sexual people in the BDSM community being involved in their preferred kinky stuff without sex would be really gratifying. They could have sex with other people, of course.  

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ryn2
6 hours ago, CBC said:

If your friends are voluntarily and repeatedly seeking out numerous sexual encounters, they're not asexual no matter what they tell you.

In general agreement but I’d want to understand the “why” before deciding.  One of my best friends is ace but has found over the years that it’s nearly impossible to find play partners who will deliver the BDSM experience she wants if sex is off the table.  The end result is that she endures a lot of sex to get her kink craving satisfied, but it’s just transactional... she’s “paying” with the sex she does not want to get the kink she wants very much.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, CBC said:

Being as there are multiple people here claiming to be ace and into BDSM, according to the OP, they could be involved with each other non-sexually if that's all they wanted.

This is only true for BDSM people in larger cities who are content to always play with the same person or small group of partners, do not have a niche/rare kink, and potentially do not have a medical kink involving the genitals.  Anyone whose experience involves/requires playing with randos, or finding the two people in a huge city that deliver something very specific, is probably going to have a very difficult time limiting the field to ace partners/others who want sexless play.

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Solovei

So, how much sex makes one a "slut"? Is it the number of times one's having the sex or the number of partners one is have the sex with? Or maybe the number of partners one is having it with at the same time? Inquiring minds want to know. 😐

 

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Telecaster68

I know you're being facetious but I'm betting there are posters who would genuinely want to know.

 

'Slut' is pretty subjective, depending on what the person using the terms thinks of as morally acceptable, but generally means what used to be called being 'easy' - that is, happy to have sex at the drop of a hat, with no particular emotional connection, so they tend to rack up a fair number of partners.

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Kai99

Haven't you heard? Asexuality is for everyone. 

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Thea2
3 hours ago, Kai99 said:

Haven't you heard? Asexuality is for everyone. 

:lol:

 

From the Aven FAQs: 

Asexual: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

 

So if I make the substitution, I get:

Asexual: Someone who does not experience a desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

 

I think it would be best to cut out the middleman ‘sexual attraction’, as it only causes confusion. The result however is the same, the Aven definition says that an asexual does not have a desire to have sexual contact with someone else.

 

An asexual might compromise within a mixed relationship, not out of a desire for sex but for other reasons.

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ryn2
9 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

An asexual might compromise within a mixed relationship, not out of a desire for sex but for other reasons.

It’s probably fair to generalize this to “an asexual might have sex, not out of desire for sex but for other reasons.”  That covers, for example, the BDSM scenario I mentioned above.

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Nowhere Girl
8 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

:lol:

 

From the Aven FAQs: 

Asexual: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

 

So if I make the substitution, I get:

Asexual: Someone who does not experience a desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

 

I think it would be best to cut out the middleman ‘sexual attraction’, as it only causes confusion. The result however is the same, the Aven definition says that an asexual does not have a desire to have sexual contact with someone else.

 

An asexual might compromise within a mixed relationship, not out of a desire for sex but for other reasons.

And these are exactly my own feelings. To me it's not about not finding anyone attractive, it's about actively not wanting to have sex with anyone.

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