field_fighter

New member; can someone help me?? (PLEASE?)

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field_fighter

Hi! 

My name is Rachel, I am 14 years old, and this is my story.

 

In my school, I'm considered to be "innocent." I think sex is gross, and other than the basic outlines, I never really knew much about it. When I was asked, I sometimes just pretended I didn't know the answer. I think it was a subconscious thing; pretend you don't know and maybe avoid another "that's what she said" joke. But I never really considered myself to be asexual; just "immature" or "innocent" as I had been called.

 

The problem was, it wasn't just sexual attraction. I don't get physical attraction. At. All. Soon it became a catch up game of who should or shouldn't be called "cute" or "hot" based off of what my friends thought. As hard as I tried to keep up, it felt like I was always falling behind. 

 

One night, I got out of the shower and was texting my boyfriend. It had been an unusually warm day, and he had worn a tank top to school that day. He kept asking if I thought he looked hot, and all of a sudden, something clicked.

 

No.

 

No, I did not think he looked hot. No, I had never developed romantic attraction to anyone just by looks. No, I did not ever want to kiss anyone. No, I was not just "innocent."

 

Not counting my parents, I have only told four people. They are my four best friends, and though they all support me, only two really believe me.

 

My dad doesn't understand it, but he tries. Somehow I feel like this means more to me than if he understood.

 

My mom is another story.

 

I don't want to list everything she's said to me about it. That would be pointless. I'm just giving a few quotes so I can get the gist of it across. 

 

"I'm scheduling you a doctor's appointment. It's probably something with your hormones."

 

"Do you know how many people are ACTUALLY asexual?"

 

"Oh, right, I forgot. You're an amino now." *laughs*

 

"No one is going to want to stay with someone who doesn't have sex."

 

I don't know if she knows how much she gets in my head. But if you've made it through my very long story, can you try to answer a few questions for me?

 

#1: Is 14 too young to be asexual?

#2: From this, could I be asexual?

#3: What should I do about my mom? 

 

Thank you so much!!!!!

 

 

 

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element83
2 minutes ago, field_fighter said:

Is 14 too young to be asexual?

No, but there's a possibility that you may develop sexual feelings later on in life.  That doesn't make you not asexual now.  That just means you might not always feel this way.  A lot of people are 'late bloomers' and develop sexual feelings in their 20s.

 

3 minutes ago, field_fighter said:

From this, could I be asexual?

Absolutely, yes.  this is how a lot of asexual people feel.

3 minutes ago, field_fighter said:

What should I do about my mom? 

At 14, there isn't a whole lot you can do.  It's probably easiest to not bring it up and just wait until she lets it go on her own.  You could try telling her how much it hurts your feelings and ask her to stop (your mileage may vary on this one - adults can be really hurtful and dismissive of teens and preteens).  You could ask someone else (your dad, maybe?) to intervene on your behalf.

 

It may be helpful to learn to ignore her.  To be comfortable enough in your own identity that her words hurt less.  It's especially hard to hear those things from a loved one, and it may always hurt, but it's possible that it will hurt less over time when you acknowledge that what she says reflects more on her than it does on you.

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field_fighter
2 minutes ago, element83 said:

You could ask someone else (your dad, maybe?) to intervene on your behalf.

 

It may be helpful to learn to ignore her.  To be comfortable enough in your own identity that her words hurt less.  It's especially hard to hear those things from a loved one, and it may always hurt, but it's possible that it will hurt less over time when you acknowledge that what she says reflects more on her than it does on you.

Thanks so much! I've been trying my best to ignore her so far, it just sometimes feels like things are getting worse instead of better. My dad suggested that I talk to her, but I think I might leave it. 

(But seriously, thank you! You have no idea how much your whole response means to me)

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R0xanne

THIS WAS ME WHEN I WAS IN 6TH GRADE. Try not to stress about it too much hun. 

Also, parents are usually just worried you aren't going to give them kids. which is their none of their business. My mom was weirded out. She asked my therapist "whats the difference between being asexual and not having sex with someone because you've been married to them for too long?" it was funny. 

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

12 hours ago, field_fighter said:

#1: Is 14 too young to be asexual?

That's the age I realised I was Asexual. I'm now 33, and I still haven't experienced sexual attraction.

 

12 hours ago, field_fighter said:

#2: From this, could I be asexual?

Yes, you seem Asexual to me.

 

12 hours ago, field_fighter said:

#3: What should I do about my mom? 

Tell your mum to come to AVEN, perhaps talking to other Asexuals will change her mind.

 

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Dark Heart

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry that your mom does not seem to understand and is being dismissive of how you feel. My own mother has her reservations about my preferences. At the end of the day, you know yourself better than anyone else could. While you may be young, that does not make your feelings any less valid. For the longest time, I assumed I was straight and had simply not found "the one." The possibility that you will develop sexual feelings later does not mean you can't identify as asexual right now if that is the identity that best resonates with you. Life is a journey, not a destination.

 

As for our community being small or you not being able to have a successful relationship without sex -->

 

Even if only 1% (many seem to like using that statistic against us) of the population is asexual, that is still about 7 million people - and by using AVEN, it is possible to interact with many of them and even find some in your area using the Meetup Mart link on the Home Page.

 

And if you did enter a relationship with someone who does experience sexual attraction, sex isn't everything. Maybe they have a low libido. Maybe they are willing to forgo sex to be with you. Maybe you decide that you are comfortable enough with that person that you are willing to perform sexual acts in spite of not feeling that attraction.

 

Whatever happens, remember: it is your life and your body. Never feel guilty for how you feel. You are valid, and you are not alone.

 

I hope you can find a home here in AVEN. While you are settling in, be sure to enjoy some cake!

 

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Homer

Moving this thread from Welcome Lounge to Questions about Asexuality

Homer

Moderator Welcome Lounge

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ryn2
On 5/15/2018 at 11:13 PM, R0xanne said:

Also, parents are usually just worried you aren't going to give them kids. which is their none of their business.

*nods*

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clovergirl

Doesn't sound like your mom is intentionally trying to hurt you, I think she's unknowledgable, if she thinks you need a doctor she obviously doesn't know asexuality exist. She obviously thinks you are too young to know what you are since she has this "you'll grow out of it" attitude. I remember when I was about 14 or 15 my mom telling me I'll want sex when I'm older, well now I'm 24 and still happily a virgin. 

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