clovergirl

My asexuality ruined by orgasm?

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clovergirl

Before experiencing my first orgasm at 22 I thought of myself as a aromantic asexual with no libido, arousal, or interest in anything sexual. But afterward I had a libido (if you consider wanting an orgasm a libido) found I could get arousal thinking about a what an orgasm feels like, and I think having an orgasm with another human involved doesn't sound bad at all. Still don't have romantic attraction though. I experienced my first orgasm with a removeable showerhead, it wasn't planned or expected, I was in the shower when I remembered seeing online that water pressure feels good on your clitoris, I quickly discovered a whole new meaning of feels good. I kind of feel like experiencing an orgasm ruined my asexuality. Anyone else relate?

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Yeast

I probably was 15 when I had my first orgasm. 5 years earlier I had decided I didn't want sex but there was no term for this mindset at the time. I didn't feel there was anything wrong about not wanting sex except with yourself. An orgasm hadn't changed things. I was still me whatever I was. When I discovered this forum I learned I had a label and then began to ponder if I really fit this definition. Having read many posts it seems the common consensus is that asexuals can have libidos. So I suppose I still am asexual. 

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hellogorgeous7

My opinion is that it's up to you to define yourself and your experience. I encourage you to not worry much about your asexuality being ruined because you had an orgasm and think it's fun to have orgasms (some aces do, others don't). We're not static beings and each experience allows us to gather new info about ourselves.

 

My desire for sexual activities wavers between intense arousal from fantasy to absolutely no desire for sexual anything. I enjoy orgasms and want to have one from time to time. I came to know my asexuality as true for me after having lived a very sexual-pleasure seeking life to that point. So it was confusing at first to consider that I've had plenty of sex, enjoyed it (or not), but then realizing that sexual attraction isn't always connected to sexual pleasure or arousal, at least it isn't for me. But no matter what sexual activity I have, I still don't feel sexual attraction; I still fit my definition of 'asexual'.

 

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Nowhere Girl

I generally enjoy orgasms, even though they are also somewhat frustraing because they are weak, bland and underwhelming. But I absolutely and actively don't desire any partnered sex. It's actually more than just having no desire - the idea of personally having sex feels very uncomfortable, frightening and disgusting for me. So I'm asexual.

I could say something like this to explain why desire or no desire for partnered sex matters more than libido or no libido: sexuality is much more of a social category than libido. Whether a person pleasures themself or not has negligible influence on their social life. However, if someone is asexual - particularly if they are also sex-averse/repulsed and/or aromantic - this is going to have some influence on the relationships they may form. Because of this, "asexual" is quite an important category, a distinct sexual orientation in fact. "Libidoist" and "nonlibidoist" are labels useful within the asexual community, but they have very little influence on our social lives.

 

Btw - one doesn't necessarily have to have a libido to self-stimulate. I've seen some aces online who say that they have very little libido, don't feel any "urge" for self-pleasuring, but do it anyway simply because they enjoy orgasms. A bit like the distinction between eating because of hunger vs. eating something for the taste only.

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Alejandrogynous

Sounds like nothing was 'ruined', you just had your sexual awakening and learned that you're not asexual after all, just a late bloomer. Which is hardly a bad thing, right? Unless you'd have rather gone your whole life never knowing you could feel that pleasure and potential intimacy with another human being.

 

Me, I started masturbating very young (as in 5 or 6 years old), so nope. Can't blame asexuality on lack of orgasms.

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Nowhere Girl

No. Self-pleasuring doesn't exclude being asexual. This is no "sexual awakening", at most an awakening of libido.

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Alejandrogynous
7 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Self-pleasuring doesn't exclude being asexual.

Well yes, I agree. And if the OP said 'I like masturbating now, can I still be asexual?' I'd say the same thing. But since they actually said, "having an orgasm with another human involved doesn't sound bad at all," and considers their asexuality to be "ruined", it sounds like this new self discovery might have them moving away from asexuality. But again, as I said originally, that just what it sounds like from what they wrote.

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clovergirl

An orgasm with yourself and an orgasm with another person would feel the same though. Is it really necessary to differentiate between an orgasm and an orgasm? It just feels like it's ruined because I went from an asexual most people on here relate to, to being something no one here relates to. I don't have any desire to have sex with people I don't know or anyone who isn't a best friend. Recently developed sexual feelings to my closest friend, haven't been this close to another person since middle school which was 10 years ago. I don't make friends often, and when I do make a friend, it's like pure happiness, but ever since discovering sexual pleasure, it's like I want to experience it with them. 

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lilayala

just do what you feel like you want to do and don't worry about the label. it doesn't matter. you and your feelings matter.

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clovergirl

It's just easier not to label it.

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uhtred

There is no such thing as ruined.  Terms like "asexuality" are convenient if you happen to fall in that pattern, but if you don't, that is not a problem. 

 

Enjoy what you enjoy. Do what you want, and not what you don't want.   Feel free to change that as your interests change. 

 

If you want an orgasm with another person, but not a romantic relationship, that is fine.  Just be honest with any potential partners. 

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Philip027
20 hours ago, clovergirl said:

An orgasm with yourself and an orgasm with another person would feel the same though.

Debatable.  I feel like plenty would disagree, actually.  People would probably just masturbate if the sensations and feelings were all the same anyway.  Less hassle.

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uhtred
1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Debatable.  I feel like plenty would disagree, actually.  People would probably just masturbate if the sensations and feelings were all the same anyway.  Less hassle.

I have to agree. Look at all the effort many people go through to find sexual partners.  If sex with a partner was at all the same as masturbation, why bother. Most people can give themselves an O much more easily than a partner can give them one.  (its just feedback, they can adjust what they are doing to what feels best). 

 

 

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Bloc

Most asexuals I know personally masturbate but are still not sexually attracted to other people. Enjoying masturbation does not invalidate your asexuality. It is about how you expirience attraction to other persons. This is the part only you know. I can relate to being confused by enjoying sexual stuff with a partner. For me it is not the sexual activities, which attract me to someone, they are nice like a good desert, but something I can live happily without. But for me the grey-ace label always resonated more than asexual label, even when I am technically very close to the asexual end.

 

Also be yourself and find the label which describes you best and do not let the label define you.

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CirothUngol

Wow, fun! Orgasms are often the most enjoyable sort of sensory pleasure people experience, so I think congratulations are in order.

...and don't worry, nothing is "ruined" here. Let's please keep perspective of exactly what asexuality is.

On 5/15/2018 at 8:39 PM, clovergirl said:

I think having an orgasm with another human involved doesn't sound bad at all.

Well, perhaps it's not. As a man married to a perfect example of a happy demisexual I can most certainly attest, but wait... have you suddenly become sexually attracted to other people? Have you begun liking the idea of physical sex with any specific people? If you've started to think about others you see, meet, or know in a sexual fashion, and enjoy the though of having sex with them... especially if you're driven to take action towards that end... then, yea. That's kinda what sexual attraction+libido is, right?

 

If that's not the case, and you just wanna learn to experience this fun new thing your body can do, then you can find plenty of how-to info on self-stimulation online. If you wish to engage others for assistance, just be honest with them. People are not tools and should never be used as such... unless you first ask politely and they reply "yes, I would enjoy being your tool."

...then it's OK. ^_^

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Nowhere Girl
4 hours ago, CirothUngol said:

Wow, fun! Orgasms are often the most enjoyable sort of sensory pleasure people experience, so I think congratulations are in order.

Ouch. This is exactly what I can't relate to. Pleasant? sure, but miles and miles away from "the greatest pleasure". :(

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CirothUngol

Well, I did say often, so not always, and I did specify sensory pleasure, as opposed to other sorts of pleasure. I for one have found that the emotional pleasure of Simply being with another that you love is far greater than the sensory pleasure that I received from the best orgasms, but as always your mileage may vary.

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clovergirl

I feel like without the pleasure factor sex would be a waste of time, which makes me wonder why people think they need another human to satisfy them when they can do it themselves. Whether I've suddenly become sexually attracted to other people I don't think so, to me people are just people, if I don't know them personally and don't have a close connection with them I have no attraction to them. I have the habit of falling in love with the friend I'm closest too, both male and female. Usually the thought of sex comes much later, it's never there at the beginning. What is the difference between grey ace and demisexual?

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Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, CirothUngol said:

I for one have found that the emotional pleasure of Simply being with another that you love is far greater than the sensory pleasure that I received from the best orgasms, but as always your mileage may vary.

For many sexuals, they're intertwined. Shared orgasms with someone you love brings you closer - it's the shared vulnerability, giving and receiving pleasure, and of course the oxytocin flood after orgasm, which is known to increase feelings of bonding. It makes sense in evolutionary terms, too.  

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PittAce92

No, not at all; I don't believe there would be anything to worry about! :) 

 

As an aromantic asexual myself, I masturbate, but it is more just because I like the feelings from it, everything from the fondling to the orgasm. The key to remember: what exactly is asexuality? As we know, it is an orientation which one lacks sexual attraction. As long as you remember that, anything else surrounding what you do is just extras. So again, no need to worry! :) 

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CBC

If you want to experience orgasm (or sexual interaction in general) with another person, you're likely not asexual. If you never experience romantic interest in anyone though, perhaps you're aromantic. People can be sexual and aromantic.

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Nowhere Girl
On 5/18/2018 at 6:29 PM, CirothUngol said:

Well, I did say often, so not always, and I did specify sensory pleasure, as opposed to other sorts of pleasure. I for one have found that the emotional pleasure of Simply being with another that you love is far greater than the sensory pleasure that I received from the best orgasms, but as always your mileage may vary.

Yes, sure, and even different kinds of sensory pleasures can be hard to compare. But still I would never call an orgasm even "the greatest sensory pleasure". :(

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Serran
On 5/18/2018 at 12:34 PM, clovergirl said:

I feel like without the pleasure factor sex would be a waste of time, which makes me wonder why people think they need another human to satisfy them when they can do it themselves. Whether I've suddenly become sexually attracted to other people I don't think so, to me people are just people, if I don't know them personally and don't have a close connection with them I have no attraction to them. I have the habit of falling in love with the friend I'm closest too, both male and female. Usually the thought of sex comes much later, it's never there at the beginning. What is the difference between grey ace and demisexual?

Plenty of people don't want sex with people until they get to know them and/Or have feelings for them. 

 

Personally, I don't want anything sexual except with my partner but I still do want them sexually so I don't ID with asexual. Even though they are the first person I've wanted sexually.

 

As for masturbation it's something a lot of aces do. And it is very different solo vs with a partner . 

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