Relating with sexuals

[NewAce7]

Hi Sexuals,

 

So i am asexual, and i guess i am the only asexual around me. All my friends are sexuals.
I get quite close to my female friends, we even share the same bed spending nights together.

After a talk with one of my friends some nights ago, a got quite interested to how sexuals think, especially female sexuals in regards to relating closely with a male.
Bare in mind that my friends don't know am asexual, they kinda just get comfortable with me around - or that is what i think ?

I need your thought on this. 

 

Thanks sexuals (female sexuals.)

[Solovei]

Pretty sure there are as many ways of "relating closely" as there are people, sexual or otherwise. Also, just because someone is sexual and the other person is of the gender they are attracted to, doesn't mean that closeness will necessarily translate into something more. Actually, more often than not it won't. Just because someone likes a gender doesn't mean they are attracted to *anyone* of that gender.

[Homer]

13 minutes ago, NewAce7 said:

So i am asexual, and i guess i am the only asexual around me. All my friends are sexuals.

I get quite close to my female friends, we even share the same bed spending nights together.

After a talk with one of my friends some nights ago, a got quite interested to how sexuals think, especially female sexuals in regards to relating closely with a male.
Bare in mind that my friends don't know am asexual, they kinda just get comfortable with me around - or that is what i think ?

I need your thought on this.

Not female, but I have trouble figuring out the actual problem here. You're close to your female folks - close enough to be comfortable sharing a bed and discussing personal, intimate stuff. We only read your "side" of the story and your words make it seem like they're comfortable sharing these things with you. That's great

 

Let's approach this from a different angle. Let's assume for a second that it's really "just what you think"... what would that mean? Is there any reason you'd assume why they do this without being comfortable?

[NewAce7]

Thanks guys, you are just awesome.

I think I got my answer.

What actually happened was that a friend of mine confronted me for being selfish, she said " you gave someone hope and left the person hanging ".

I didn't quite get what she meant at the time. Her words got me confused and thinking "am I selfish?,  why would she say that?, what did I do wrong?. 

[anisotrophic]

55 minutes ago, NewAce7 said:

What actually happened was that a friend of mine confronted me for being selfish, she said " you gave someone hope and left the person hanging ".

I've had something happen before, where I thought I was on a date with a male & invited him back to the dorm, and to my room, and we cuddled, and then he ... left? I was very confused. Which is to say, it sounds similar. (I continued pursuit, and he had to reject me explicitly. This guy, which I still know, I now suspect is ace. Which leaves me wondering if I chase aces, unwittingly... smh.)

 

Anyway. Uh, assuming you are being seen as male and your interactions are being read as potentially heterosexual in nature... (and maybe true if you present as female as well...)

There is a metaphorical dance, where not outright stating attraction is a common element. (Because to state it would alienate a female, especially if from someone male, it's aggressive and aggression is dangerous. Or it comes off as desperate, or disrespectful of the individual's emotional/intellectual self.)

Being emotionally and physically close is part of that dance. It sounds like this individual may have thought you were interested in a romantic/sexual relationship, and was interested in having that with you, and thought that was what was happening.

[Lara Black]

8 hours ago, NewAce7 said:

What actually happened was that a friend of mine confronted me for being selfish, she said " you gave someone hope and left the person hanging ".

I didn't quite get what she meant at the time. Her words got me confused and thinking "am I selfish?,  why would she say that?, what did I do wrong?. 

This is my understanding of how it works.

While men and women can absolutely be friends, there seem to be some unspoken rules that two sexuals follow to avoid confusion. Since we don’t explicitly suggest or ask for sex, there are markers we look for like, “He touched my hand – good start. He kissed me – even better! We’re going to his/my place together – score! We’re gonna have sex!” So it’s easy for an ace to accidently hit those markers and make an impression of courting a woman. That’s why it’s better to state it clearly that sex is impossible for whatever reason or just avoid the bed area – it’s a very strong sex marker.

[NewAce7]

20 hours ago, anisotropic said:

I've had something happen before, where I thought I was on a date with a male & invited him back to the dorm, and to my room, and we cuddled, and then he ... left? I was very confused. Which is to say, it sounds similar. (I continued pursuit, and he had to reject me explicitly. This guy, which I still know, I now suspect is ace. Which leaves me wondering if I chase aces, unwittingly... smh.)

 

Anyway. Uh, assuming you are being seen as male and your interactions are being read as potentially heterosexual in nature... (and maybe true if you present as female as well...)

There is a metaphorical dance, where not outright stating attraction is a common element. (Because to state it would alienate a female, especially if from someone male, it's aggressive and aggression is dangerous. Or it comes off as desperate, or disrespectful of the individual's emotional/intellectual self.)

Being emotionally and physically close is part of that dance. It sounds like this individual may have thought you were interested in a romantic/sexual relationship, and was interested in having that with you, and thought that was what was happening.

From you experience, i can see how the situation plays out

[NewAce7]

13 hours ago, Lara Black said:

This is my understanding of how it works.

While men and women can absolutely be friends, there seem to be some unspoken rules that two sexuals follow to avoid confusion. Since we don’t explicitly suggest or ask for sex, there are markers we look for like, “He touched my hand – good start. He kissed me – even better! We’re going to his/my place together – score! We’re gonna have sex!” So it’s easy for an ace to accidently hit those markers and make an impression of courting a woman. That’s why it’s better to state it clearly that sex is impossible for whatever reason or just avoid the bed area – it’s a very strong sex marker.

Thanks Lara!

[uhtred]

On 5/15/2018 at 3:43 PM, NewAce7 said:

Hi Sexuals,

 

So i am asexual, and i guess i am the only asexual around me. All my friends are sexuals.
I get quite close to my female friends, we even share the same bed spending nights together.

After a talk with one of my friends some nights ago, a got quite interested to how sexuals think, especially female sexuals in regards to relating closely with a male.
Bare in mind that my friends don't know am asexual, they kinda just get comfortable with me around - or that is what i think ?

I need your thought on this. 

 

Thanks sexuals (female sexuals.)

Its completely fine to indicate that you are not interested in sex.  Most sexuals are not interested in sex with everyone else, so this isn't a big deal to anyone .

 

You do need to avoid giving incorrect signs. Its very unusually for sexuals of different genders to share a bed, unless forced to do so by circumstances, or if sex is a least being considered. 

[ryn2]

20 minutes ago, uhtred said:

You do need to avoid giving incorrect signs.

The hard part here is that people may not know they are giving incorrect or misleading signs until it’s pointed out to them... 

[NewAce7]

9 hours ago, ryn2 said:

The hard part here is that people may not know they are giving incorrect or misleading signs until it’s pointed out to them... 

Exactly, 
So true.
Sometimes is quite hard to figure out.

[ryn2]

52 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Trust me - any sexual, ever, will consider getting into the same bed as them as intent to have sex, unless explicitly otherwise stated.

 

Think about it the other way: if someone got into bed with you without discussing it, wouldn't it at least cross your mind they might well have sex on their mind?

Well, yeah, I had it pointed out to me way back in college but before that I had problems with situations similar to what the OP described where I was supposedly leading people on.

 

It’s not obvious prior to a few people getting really peeved.

[uhtred]

5 hours ago, NewAce7 said:

Exactly, 
So true.
Sometimes is quite hard to figure out.

I think its not that difficult with a little study.  Watch a few romantic movies, see what types of signals sexuals send. 

 

Some general rules of thumb though, if you want to avoid giving wrong signals:

 

No physical contact unless absolutely required by your culture.

Don't be in the presence of someone of the opposite sex while wearing anything that would not be appropriate in a completely public setting. 

 

Be cautions about being alone with someone in a private space.  Restaurants are fine. Cars are fine.  Bedrooms are not fine.  

 

 

[ryn2]

All of this requires, though, that the ace person first somehow recognizes there might be divergence of assumptions.

 

Once you find out the hard way that there is, yes, it’s not hard to find someone or something that can explain the problem and how to avoid it going forward.

 

What I’m not sure is that there’s a way (at least without broader public awareness and education) to get fully in front of it.  As more people identify as ace earlier - and, by do doing, realize they are different from the majority in a tangible way - it may get easier.

 

E.g., if I’m going to be traveling overseas, I at least recognize that I am not from the country I’m visiting.  Whether that will trigger the thought that I need to research how to be safe and not offend is determined by a number of factors (past experience, age, role, etc.) but at least the initial recognition is there.

 

If a (younger, especially) ace person doesn’t realize the way they see things is markedly different than the way others do, that person doesn’t even know to wonder about any of these considerations.  It’s like walking out the door into your hometown; you have no reason to think you don’t understand it.

[ryn2]

tl;dr I don’t think adults saying it’s hard to know are meaning they still don’t know now...  I think they’re just agreeing with the OP that it’s difficult/impossible not to find out the hard way as a teen/young adult.

[NewAce7]

Now life feels a little bit reistricted, wish everyone was ace, life will be much more easy.
The stress of living in constant alertness and sensitivity to your environment is quite high, now adding this issue of taking sexuals into consideration will just increase it.
But the desire to live in "peace with all men", and not breaking any heart is the main priority here.
 

One idea came to mind; in a situation when the relationship with a sexual opposite sex gets quite close, would it make sense to tell them about your sexuality?, just to make things clear and prevent the situation of sexual desire and/or "falling in love".

[NewAce7]

8 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Trust me - any sexual, ever, will consider getting into the same bed as them as intent to have sex, unless explicitly otherwise stated.

 

Think about it the other way: if someone got into bed with you without discussing it, wouldn't it at least cross your mind they might well have sex on their mind?

Funny thing is that I consider bed just for sleeping. You join me in bed means you want to sleep 

[ryn2]

I think there’s a difference between feeling overwhelmed/annoyed by the cultural saturation and keeping the foreign concepts at front of mind all the time (especially amongst people you’re comfortable with).

 

The latter is exhausting.  It’s like getting a new car (or type of smartphone) and constantly having to translate between your old experience (that’s long since become automatic) and the new one.

 

It takes a bit of exposure before the new way of thinking becomes equally automatic.  Even then, the shorthand you work out may not work with new people... but after more and more experiences you quickly learn why.

[uhtred]

20 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Have you never come across the concept of people having sex in bed? Or the expressions about going to bed together? Or 'sleeping together' being a euphemism for sex?

 

Honestly this puzzles me. On the one hand, lots of asexuals complain about sex saturating the culture and conversations, on the other hand, faced with an actual potential situation, there's obliviousness to fairly clear sexual intent.

 

I'm not having a go, I'm just puzzled.

I have to agree. Personally I have no interest in team sports, but I am aware that many people around me do. I'm not going to ask the bar to change the channel during the world cup finals.  I don't complain when people cheer and shout when some (incomprehensible to me) think happens on the screen. 

 

Religion is similar. I don't believe in god, but I don't wash my hands in the holy water font, or chow down on the eucharist or even interrupt people while they are praying. 

 

Human sexuality is complex and there are some subtle signs that can be missed, but some things are obvious. 

[ryn2]

To me there’s a difference between what we know and do now as adults and what we knew (didn’t know) and did as teens/in college.

[Neshama]

 

 

 

On 5/15/2018 at 4:34 PM, NewAce7 said:

What actually happened was that a friend of mine confronted me for being selfish, she said: " you gave someone hope and left the person hanging ".

I didn't quite get what she meant at the time. Her words got me confused and thinking "am I selfish?",  why would she say that?, what did I do wrong?. 

Did she flirt with you and you responded positively? Are you touchy feely with her? Have you kissed her? Did she try to make a move? Did she bring a condom or a dental dam or something? Some fem sexuals might feel that "wanna go back to my place", especially after a night out, would indicate sex. However, if no flirtatious behavior took place, then I might start thinking you might be gay or ace or otherwise not interested in women and possibly ask for clarification. Confrontation on relationship/emotional matters seems kinda lily-livered to me

[Neshama]

For some reason, it won't let me edit, but I mistyped. I meant: Confrontation on relationship/emotional matters through a third party seems kinda lily-livered to me

[Neshama]

Oh sorry, this is sorta the first time I've ever used social media...

[MrDane]

“Do you want cake?” 

Usually means: “do you want to taste and eat cake?”

 

if someone just wants to show you a picture of a cake, then it would be nice to know, before your mouth starts watering.

 

I think, that some asexuals forget, that they are a minority and that it could be a good idea to become aware of what is going on amongst the majority. It is still perfectly okay to he asexual, but also to expect things to be normal.