Ready to leave my asexual wife

[searching4me]

First post after hours of reading and thinking. Interested in opinions/support  since I struggle daily. I love my wife but I also have difficulty accepting a sexless future being resentful. 

 

My wife and I struggled for the last 15 years.  We’re both in our 40’s and I  am very dependent on physical intimacy to feel loved.  She is the opposite and recently identified as asexual. She tried for so long to please me but it’s taken its toll.  Married nearly 20 years now with 2 kids. The discovery of her identity was somewhat a relief because I felt I was not doing my job as a man  to win her  desire for me, even though we both knew she lacked interest.  I always take it personally. I felt we were closer after sex but she never thought about it that way and that’s very disappointing to me. 

 

Up until 6 months ago we were nowhere near sexless. That has changed, however.  She’s repulsed by the thought of partnered sex and has struggled for years.    She wanted a divorce because of her sexuality, repeating it in several counseling sessions, telling her family and friends as well. I was told I was someone she settled for and she never connected with me sexually.  Said she doesn’t need a man and wanted her independence because I was smothering and controlling.  Admittedly I am codependent I think as much as any married spouse. The constant resentment of never receiving affection magnified my tendencies because it was very hurtful to me.  There is is more than lack of sex but without it I feel empty. 

. 

She has shared a lot of anger about hating men due to workforce inequality, etc. and blames me in particular for her lack of success.  I love my family and the time I spend with my wife  but I’ve filed for divorce because 

I admit I always I will always want  her  sexually. I honestly think a sexual person would be more compatible with me. Even if it’s for what asexuals might think is shallow and unimportant. I want to be loved in the same way I want to love someone.  But I am romantically tied to my wife and only want her.  I feel hopeless because she is resolute in her identity and there is no place for me in her sexual life. I truly believe I’ve been unhappy and resentful for several years. 

 

I spend every unfocused minute dwelling on my choice. But reality always brings me back to the same conclusion and I’m moving forward. I can have the same relationship divorced as I can married and the kids will be ok. 

 

She now says she does not want to divorce. But I cannot be satisfied living as roommates. I can’t imagine 30 years of resentment. I want the attention of the one woman I love and it will never be there.  I think being distant from her will help to dull the pain because my dreams of living out my life with her have been shattered.

 

My own thinking is what made sex so important to me. I pursued it compulsively and felt utterly rejected when I would fail to get her interested.  She thinks I am leaving solely due to lack of sex. It’s certainly a major factor and it is very much the tipping point.  I can’t ignore the fact I’m still angry. She spends no time thinking of me. I am the opposite. She is constantly my main thought. 

 

I realize it’s not healthy to be so consumed with someone. I know that if I had the feeling we were happy I’d be less worried and comfortable like I was years ago. I know when we were having sex i felt all was well. My codependent behaviors trying to please her in order to make me happy made things unbearable for both of us when there was no payoff in terms of affection or sex.  I’ve wasted a lot of time worrying about something I can’t control, and I’m ready to change. 

I’m leaving someone I care for but I feel my wife cares only for what I can offer her, financial security and doing things for her.    With no affection I feel no reason to stay married because of the many things she has told me in anger - I am bad at everything, I owe her everything for my successes and I’m to blame for all her shortcomings. 

 

She can’t really tell me why she loves me. That bugs the hell out of me and I’ve told her so. But still not even an example. 

I’m angry that she knows my wants and needs as a sexual male yet also makes no effort to offer a reason to stay in a roommate setup. 

 

I’m angry about doing all I do without any benefit as a married couple. I’d want sex to be a selfless act of giving, and something she wants as much as I do. I know that will never be and I’m disappointed.  I figured with love and intimacy all other things could be worked out. But no connection with her sexually makes it impossible for me to do all else selflessly. 

 

I feel selfish and doubt myself.  Maybe I’m the garbage she tells me I am when she’s angry.  Or perhaps these are just my feelings, whether right or wrong.  I  think I deserve what I want in a marriage.  There is a lot of experience and wisdom on this site. Thanks for reading. 

 

[searching4me]

Thanks. While I may have accepted I can’t change my spouse, the feeling of rejection is slow to go away.  I do not enjoy living separately from my wife. Not sure that will change. 

 

How does one deal with such loss? Could it really get  easier for a sexual partner who honestly wants more than a platonic relationship from his wife?

[Epitaph]

I hesitate to write my thoughts conclusively. Relationships are complicated things. I'm not there in person to witness your interactions and only have half of the story from your point of view. But I will take a chance on it.

 

Based on your description, my initial thoughts are that she's a leech. Wants it all, doesn't put the effort in to get it. But I can't make that call affirmative with so little to judge on. Rather than focus on anything particularily negative I'll just focus on the sexuality issue. Even without dealing with asexuals I know that a sexless relationship where one partner needs sex but doesn't get it will collapse. There's absolutely nothing wrong for wanting to have sex, and in your description of it, you value that your partner wants it too. That's more than a lot of couples really ever get. I'd want to say that you can't fight your baser instincts, but in some cases, you can. But it is taxing. It takes a toll. Sex is one of the heavy hitters for being denied. 

 

One more thought I've something else to say. If your wife can't put into words why she loves you than perhaps I can. She's secure with you. You try your best, you're accomodating, and you sound patient. If you were to leave, she would be on her own to survive. For most average folks, that scares the hell out of them. And so they would rather settle into a sense of security with someone even if it means that they do not truly love somebody. I see it all the time in old couples. And I've received this very same answer from men and women if I ask them why they're with their partner if they dislike or hate them so much. They can never say.

 

Loose conjecture on my part leads me to believe that her backing away from the divorce is cold feet. The idea of leaving at first sounded fine, but when confronted with reality she shied away. I may be stretching into thin territory here, but here goes. I think she adopted the asexual label as a means to deflect sex alltogether. She was able to do it before, but then she found something that offered her a way out. I can't actually blame her for that. If somebody doesn't like something, they don't like it. What has me curious is the kids. Did she ever ask to have kids with you? Or was it an accident? For somebody that doesn't much like having sex, having kids is a pretty big deal.

 

On more examination, I'm also thinking menopause. You're both in your 40's. Menopause can hit that early. And it can make a lot of women outright nasty during that phase. And, from what I know, which isn't too much, but I believe the sex drive in women tends to plummet when menopause arrives. Perhaps that's also why she now abstained completely from sex and identifies as asexual. Whatever there was of her sex drive to begin with could be completely erased.

 

I'm going to abstain from a conclusion for the time being. If that's okay with you, are you willing to talk about your kids? Because something doesn't add up with me on them.

 

[Traveler40]

Welcome @searching4me.  I hear you and understand.  Ideally, these decisions aren’t being made from an emotional standpoint as that’s how I feel it when reading this.  I suspect your motivations are more intentional as you mention spending every moment thinking about this decision.

 

I disagree that you can have the exact same relationship married as divorced and the kids will be ok.  Divorce brings new dynamics and the kids will always be affected.  The extent of which depends on how you two handle the uncoupling. (Really dislike that word, but that’s what it boils down to.)  Given the description of some hateful words pre-divorce with the fact that you may be ripping away your wife’s security, be prepared for ugliness that can drag on for some time and certainly affect the children.  How old are your kids?  They should be the larger concern, but that’s not what I sensed from reading what was shared here. How you proceed and respond to your wife are critical.  You can save a lot more than yourself in his process.  All the best.

[searching4me]

We had agreed to have kids a few years after marriage and both thought it was the natural course of events in life. But in retrospect, I think for her, everything from finding a mate forward was more confirming to  a social norm. That’s what bothers me, that she had doubts since she was a teenager and never led me to believe anything but a normal hetero relationship. I really don’t blame her for that , she didn’t know any different. 

She has said before that she may not have had kids if she knew she was asexual and she’s grateful we did. They are the best part of our lives and we’ll always be their parents. 

[James121]

Sounds like you have made your mind up and to me it sounds like a perfectly legitimate choice. She has already written you off previously when she looked for a divorce so who cares what she wants now. It’s not your problem. Do what makes you happy for a change be that leave or cheat. Leave is the preferable option but if it can’t be achieved for a period of time for some reason then cheating has to become a legitimate option.

[Amber79]

I have two friends who are both sexual and are your wifes age. Like your wife they feel cheated in life although their sexual relationships are 'normal'. Basically they stayed at home and raised the kids, they worked hard to run the home and make sure everyone was sorted before themselves. They did what society expected of them, and after twenty years of hard work they came to the conclusion they'd wasted their lives on always putting  others first. They resent their husband's freedom and the way they get  congratulated on the work they put in when, as women they barely get a thank you or have the work they put in recognised at all. You say you're sick of doing it all on your own and you admit you're resentful too. I wonder how much work she's done you never even thought was work. You say you show love love through physical affection, but have you ever tried showing it in a way she values? it's like speaking two different languages. If you only say thank you in the language you speak and she doesn't understand, then how is she supposed to know what you mean?

it may well be time to call it a day with so much resentment on both sides, but it always strikes me that the thing what's missing in a relationship heading to divorce is never the perceived issue, it basically comes down to a lack of respect for each other and the work each person has put in. She compromised for years as an asexual, to constantly do something she didn't want to in order to make things work and keep you happy. How often did she feel like the only thing you wanted from her was her body? The pressure we all feel from society to conform, no matter what our gender or sexuality, has led to most of us making choices we otherwise wouldn't make. It seems that a number of women feel this way about marriage and even having children. 

What ever choice you make i hope you both find a way to move forward and be happy.

[Guest]

Sounds like a lot of issues beyond just sex. She shouldn't be putting you down or blaming you for her issues. And asexuals can still be very affectionate, just not sexual . 

 

Doesn't sound like a selfish decision, it's just not working out. 

[SusannaC]

Hello.   Even though she has been employed,  it seems she wants to blame you for her professional disappointments and failures.  I also get the impression from your story that she is verbally cruel in other ways.  You recognize you have codependent behaviors so I assume you have attempted to get counseling and recognize that you also contributed to the problems of the relationship.  It takes two, as they say... I know it’s difficult when children are involved, but fighting and disrespect in a marriage set a very poor example for children.  If she is asexual, you will not get your needs met, especially if she is not inclined to compromise.  Don’t deny your needs- which are valid, and work on making yourself healthy and emotionally strong.   Best wishes.

[Mary Lambert]

15 hours ago, James121 said:

Sounds like you have made your mind up and to me it sounds like a perfectly legitimate choice. She has already written you off previously when she looked for a divorce so who cares what she wants now. It’s not your problem. Do what makes you happy for a change be that leave or cheat. Leave is the preferable option but if it can’t be achieved for a period of time for some reason then cheating has to become a legitimate option.

 

19 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I disagree that you can have the exact same relationship married as divorced and the kids will be ok.  Divorce brings new dynamics and the kids will always be affected.  The extent of which depends on how you two handle the uncoupling. (Really dislike that word, but that’s what it boils down to.)

Dear Searching. I like what was said here for different reason. Yes, the kids will be affected. I am a little in your shoes. I kept throwing the D word around for years out of frustration. I am the Allo he is the Ace. I feel you are conflicted even though you say you are done. I said that so many times. I say consider a girl friend not even cheating, just one that can show you something your wife can't. Try that first, before you leave. It has helped slow things down for me. Just a suggestion. I wish you the best. It is super hard at first, but I have found not to let society dictate what is right for me. I have to put my family first the best way I know how. Yours, Mary

[mrsroper]

Nearly 15 years ago, I married a wonderful man. He is kind, compassionate, and a good friend. While we were dating, there was kissing and hugging but no great sex. I was actually relieved since I'd dated men who wanted only sex and did not treat me well. For a while, other things occupied me. I was busy with my elderly parents but now that they have passed on, I miss having a physical relationship. We consummated our marriage (only once!) and then I realized why this wonderful man had never married. Not well endowed (think 5-year old boy) and very little interest in sex. He is asexual.

[MrDane]

@searching4me it does sound like there is more to this story than just a “sexual vs asexual”. 

Here are my two cents:

 

living in a dysfunctional relationship can take its toll on anybody. The sexual incompability isnt really a dysfunctional problem, but can in time turn into one, and perhaps ‘colour’how anything else is perceived. If she has participated in sex, which was really against her desire, without any forcefrom you, naturally, it has built up inside her and everything which was good has now turned into a form of resentment. She just had enough. Trouble is, that what you both need now is understanding, love and commitment. As a sexual person, it can come through sex. Feeling connected and releasing all those great chemicals that makes you able to “figth” life and be together about the us-project. This is exactly the opposite of what she needs. 

 

I have no answers, but it does sound like you both need to figure out what would be important for you to get out of life. I bet, that most sexuals have “loving and heartfelt sex” on their top ten list, and if sex ‘works’ then there is one headache less. 

Make the list. Compare.