greyisnotacolor

Confused, scared, but trying to make it work.

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greyisnotacolor

I feel like I should preface this a little bit before I start going into too many details I'll eventually get lost in.

 

I'm female and in my late 20's, and I very recently started learning about asexuality after once upon a time many years ago assuming I was asexual, but never really looking into it much. I've been in a very serious relationship for a while now, and I've always felt very...detached from needing to have sex or desiring sex and I know it's bothering my very, very sexual partner. He's lucky if we have sex once or twice a month, if any and I don't often initiate it unless I consciously think about the fact that we haven't had sex in a long time. It makes me feel terrible every time that happenes, and sometimes I'll feel an attraction to him sexually, but it's not something I necessarily act on. Interestingly enough, he was the one who encouraged me to look into asexuality and last night we had a serious sit-down talk about it where he showed me a few videos that really hit really close to home, before showing me this site which is why I'm here now.

 

I have to admit: I'm a little frightened that so much of what I've learned in the last 24 hours have been so...eye-opening for me. I feel really lucky that the man I'm so incredibly in love with has the heart to love me enough to search for answers to what he knows and feels is a problem in our relationship that he can't explain and admittedly, neither can I (clearly enough, anyways). I am naturally a very emotional person who enjoys being in a relationship full of hand holding, cuddles, kisses and cheesy romance...but my sex drive has always been incredibly low, and I think it's scared away a lot of men I've previously been with in a small way (now that I'm looking at it from an asexual POV, anyways).

 

Now that I'm with someone who not only loves me so deeply and unconditionally that he would go to these lengths to help me grow as a person and open me to a world that seems so understanding and real, I want this next step to be a compromise for us. I really want to be able to give him that sexual necessity he needs from me, and I'm wondering what is the best way for us to get to this compromise. I know that communication is important here, and we've already agreed to have another talk about this once I've had a chance to really go through and do my own research and figure out for myself if this is really who I am or not, before digging deeper into what this means for us in our relationship. But I guess what I'm really hoping for (and I suppose I feel a bit selfish in saying this) is to affirm for myself that there really are people who have made this work for them. As much as I want to compromise with him, there is also a part of me that is dreading that it won't be as passionate or as incredible as he would like it to be and overtime it eventually becomes a deal breaker...ultimately, that's the scary part. He can tell me a million times over that I'm not broken, but right now I sort of feel that way because this really, really important thing in our lives is the only issue standing in the way of his blissful happiness, and in a small way, my own in knowing all this.

 

I've read so many incredible stories and threads in this forum already that I'm really just personalizing this for myself now to make sure I eventually make the right decisions for the both of us in the long run. Do you have any advise for someone like me and my boyfriend in terms of how we can move forward in our relationship as an asexual/sexual couple? Whether you are sexual or asexual, I'd love to hear your stories! Understanding that this can work out for us feels a bit different compared to knowing it has worked IRL for others already.

 

Most of all: thank you for reading all the way through. This has been a very interesting discovery for me as I only ever experimented with my sexuality briefly in high school (ie. basic stuff like kiss a girl, considered dating women, etc.) and none of them ever stuck, not to mention the discovery periods for these times in my life were all very short lived and this doesn't feel like it will be.


TL;DR - My very sexual partner is very accepting of me and my newly discovered grey-sexuality, and breaking up is not in the books for us, as we love each other too much for that to be a reality just yet. What did you do, either as an asexual or a sexual person to overcome your differences in order to make your relationships work? Do you have any advice for a grey-sexual and her sexual partner about what to do next?

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!


There are a surprising number of Asexuals and Greysexuals in mixed relationships with Sexuals, so I'm sure someone will be here to offer you the advice you need.

Unfortunately, I cannot, because I've never had any relationships.

I will say though, that your partner sounds amazingly thoughtful, and I hope you both succeed in making your sexual relationship work.

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SilentRose

Communiation, communication, communication. Some important questions to ask each other is how often he needs sex, what he can do to turn you on or make you more comfortable (it seems you're a sensual person- maybe a sensual massage or a lot of foreplay would help 

to get you excited ? Just small stuff like that.) Find out how much you're both willing to compromise and more importantly where you draw the line when it comes to what you need or won't consider in the relationship. 

 

 

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greyisnotacolor
17 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

I will say though, that your partner sounds amazingly thoughtful, and I hope you both succeed in making your sexual relationship work.

He is, and I'm really quite lucky to have him! Thank you so much for your kind words (and yummy chocolate cake!). ❤️

 

13 hours ago, SilentRose said:

Communication, communication, communication. Some important questions to ask each other is how often he needs sex, what he can do to turn you on or make you more comfortable (it seems you're a sensual person- maybe a sensual massage or a lot of foreplay would help 

to get you excited ? Just small stuff like that.) Find out how much you're both willing to compromise and more importantly where you draw the line when it comes to what you need or won't consider in the relationship.

Thank you so much for this! I suppose in a way I worry because he's sexual enough to need it up to once or twice a day as a minimum, while I could go a month with one happy night of sex and be completely content. I think the vast distance in terms of where we sit on the sexual scale is a bit intimidating in terms of finding common ground for both of us to be happy, I guess. We've had sex two days in a row this week, and even that is pushing my limit a bit (granted we had a few drinks and were warm and tipsy the second time). I definitely think it is a good idea for us to talk about what we need and won't consider in a relationship though, so I certainly will make sure to mention that the next time we talk about this. Thank you! 🙏

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