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summerqueen

At 30 I have been analyzing my sexual orientation for 2 years and I am still just as lost as when I started analyzing

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summerqueen

I wrote on here a few months ago, thought I got some questions about asexuality answered and was on my merry way. I went to  lgbt site and was told I am a bisexual or lesbian in denial. No one listened to my story. I am now back on my 2 year sexual orientation analysis based on the lgbt site. Everyday a new question comes up for me to analyze, everyday I am wasting my life away. Its an ongoing cycle and I am not even sure if this is now turning into a mental health issue.

 

I was told this time that the fact that I can only orgasm to thoughts about being intimate with a woman and cannot orgasm to such thoughts about men means that I am bisexual or a lesbian. I am a 30 year old women who is a virgin. Around real flesh and bone people I can pinpoint a romantic attraction to men but a low desire for romance means I do not feel and have never felt compelled to go on dates, be in relationships etc. Around actual women in flesh I do not feel any form of attraction and never have in 30 years of living.

 

Well, I got introduced to lesbian porn/erotic films quite young and it became  habit to view it on and off for 12-15 years (8 of those years I didnt view any lesbian content). Its true I fantasize about women throughout this time period when I switched off the lesbian porn/erotic film.  But when I dont view any porn/erotic film I do not have any fantasies of making out with women this is what I keep trying to explain to people. I have recently started on a no porn journey and as expected my lesbian fantasies have all gone away. I feel no desire and never have for real women and now that I am not assessing lesbian content I have no desire to fantasize about being with a woman.

My only experience with a girl was when I was 14 during a innocent teen chat online. The girl asked if I wanted to try a sexual chat (just text, no pictures, cameras) and I said okay and then we talked sexually, it lasted a few mins and then it ended and I never went back to doing that again. When I was around 15,16 or 17 maybe once or twice I chatted to girls flirtatiously pretending to be a boy (nothing sexual I dont think). It was a strange thing for me to do but I never went back to doing it and until recently since analyzing forgot all about this. Now the lgbt and straight community online are telling me lesbian fantasies and lesbian thoughts that is the only way I achieve orgasms determine my sexual orientation so I cannot be asexual but must be bisexual or a lesbian as my fantasies is my sex life especially as a virgin. But if I am not attracted to women in flesh in day to day life and the fantasies disappear once I stop viewing lesbian content then it feels strange telling people I am bisexual or a lesbian because how do I explain that "yes I am not attracted to actual women but you see when I view lesbian porn, I use it and then switch it off to start thinking about being with a woman but now that I stopped watching porn I no longer have those fantasies and no longer orgasm to lesbian thoughts so thats how I came to identify as a bisexual/lesbian". Something seems very off in that explanation or is it just me?

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Serran

Asexuals still use pornography and many straight women use lesbian porn. So, don't think porn use has much to do with your orientation, really. I'd forget about that aspect of your search.

 

What do you want IRL? You say you're attracted to men romantically, are you ever attracted to women? Do you ever get close to a woman and think you want to be with her ? 

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Orianaro

If you have no sexual attraction to men or women, no romantic attraction to women but yes to men, and assuming you are female, then most logical thing would be asexual heteroromantic. Porn has absolutely nothing to do with your identity for the most part. Because by that logic, no asexual person would use porn, and no straight person would enjoy gay porn or vice versa. Real people, and real attraction, are the only thing that matter, along with what you also personally feel is right. If you really do think porn habits are seriously a part of who your identity is, then go with that, but it doesn't seem like it.

 

I have a feeling LGBTQ sites aren't the greatest places to discuss asexuality. A lot people on AVEN debate whether aces want to, should, or are part of the LGBTQ community. The complete absence of attraction(s) and simply different attraction are two very different concepts to wrap your mind around, so don't assume that a homosexual-understanding person will understand the fact that you can despise (or be indifferent to or what have you) the idea of sex with a real person and still be completely human. Those people might have assumed that masturbation or porn mean you have to be some sort of sexual, which is also not the case, because libido and sexuality have nothing to do with each other. Aces can still basically want the idea of sex, and it doesn't prevent their body from being, well, a human, sex-craving body, they just aren't attracted to physical people and generally don't want sex with a person who has a face and name. If you were putting yourself in sexual fantasies, that's a more atypical asexual thing to do, since most people are turned off by the idea of them being actively involved. Not always, though.

 

In the end, your personal feeling is more important than know-it-alls on the internet who can't read your mind and might not even understand what you're asking questions about. Is "asexual" feels right, use it! If it doesn't don't. Ignore other people and let yourself try labels if you want to, and ignore any with the audacity to judge you if you decide to change it or refine it. Placeholder labels, or trying something out for a bit, are perfectly fine. Anyways, good luck with everything :D 

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summerqueen
20 hours ago, Serran said:

 

 

What do you want IRL? You say you're attracted to men romantically, are you ever attracted to women? Do you ever get close to a woman and think you want to be with her ? 

Cheers so much for your insight. I'm really struggling with this identity crisis. I think the lgbt forums were basically saying that yes straight people can watch porn but where I differed is that I watched lesbian porn, switched it off and then straight after (without viewing the porn) fantasized about making out with a woman (I was in the fantasy with another woman) so in their view that made me bisexual despite no real world desire or attraction to women in flesh and bone aka actual form. They also state tat me being able to orgasm to lesbian thoughts and not men is a defining trait of bisexuality and or being a lesbian and the time length of my fantasy life ad porn is also defining. My situation is complex though because if I stop watching porn, my lesbian fantasies go away naturally. I've currently started a no lesbian porn journey and no longer have fantasies making out with a woman so I asked the lgbt forum what they now made me and no one answered. So i'm just as confused as before.

 

No I have never been attracted to a woman in real flesh form in all my life and no I have never desired to be close to a woman. Yes I do find men attractive in real flesh form attractive but have a low desire for any form of intimacy.

 

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summerqueen
18 hours ago, Orianaro said:

If you have no sexual attraction to men or women, no romantic attraction to women but yes to men, and assuming you are female, then most logical thing would be asexual heteroromantic. Porn has absolutely nothing to do with your identity for the most part. Because by that logic, no asexual person would use porn, and no straight person would enjoy gay porn or vice versa. Real people, and real attraction, are the only thing that matter, along with what you also personally feel is right. If you really do think porn habits are seriously a part of who your identity is, then go with that, but it doesn't seem like it.

 

Cheers too for your insight. You and the other poster are beyond generous. My situation is complex so wasn't expecting anyone to respond.

 

I feel hetroroamntic around real people who exist in flesh (not in thoughts) but can I just explain that the lgbt forums said I was likely bisexual on lesbian on:

-The fact that I am involved in my fantasy--I am making out with another woman

-The fact that my porn use was different that others in that I would switch the lesbian porn/erotic movie off an straight after fantasize about making out wiith a woman sexually, for them it was not fantasizing over porn but a fantasy that was symbolic of at minimum  bisexuality.

-The fact that I have only orgasmed to lesbian thoughts but have not orgasmed to thoughts about being with a woman (though I do get aroused thinking of men).

-The long history of my lesbian porn and fantasies

 

When I explained that I get this but that when I stop watching porn the lesbian thoughts naturally go away and what does that mean in terms of whether that was sufficient of a grounds for a bisexual label, they just ignored the question, leaving me entirely baffled by this all.

 

I have never in all my years of watching lesbian porn/erotic movies and having thoughts and orgasms outside of such viewing desired or felt an attraction to women. But at this point all I am getting from such groups is denial claims. How can I be in denial when I feel no loss or sadness over embarking on a no porn/erotic movie journey and no longer having lesbian fantasies. I really do not care for the hetro label but I do care about self identifying with a label that fits me well and knowing if I should base my sexual orientation around how I feel around actual people in flesh or on thoughts because so many people told me my fantasies does define my sexual orientation.

 

I dont know I feel at this point I either have a mental health issue with a personality disorder or others are not giving informed guidance (im talking here about the lgbt forum not this forum at all).

 

 

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Orianaro
2 hours ago, summerqueen said:

When I explained that I get this but that when I stop watching porn the lesbian thoughts naturally go away and what does that mean in terms of whether that was sufficient of a grounds for a bisexual label, they just ignored the question, leaving me entirely baffled by this all.

 

I have never in all my years of watching lesbian porn/erotic movies and having thoughts and orgasms outside of such viewing desired or felt an attraction to women. But at this point all I am getting from such groups is denial claims. How can I be in denial when I feel no loss or sadness over embarking on a no porn/erotic movie journey and no longer having lesbian fantasies. I really do not care for the hetro label but I do care about self identifying with a label that fits me well and knowing if I should base my sexual orientation around how I feel around actual people in flesh or on thoughts because so many people told me my fantasies does define my sexual orientation.

 

I dont know I feel at this point I either have a mental health issue with a personality disorder or others are not giving informed guidance (im talking here about the lgbt forum not this forum at all).

I still think you can be asexual: its still only attraction that truly matters. You might have a libido preference for women/bisexual sort of preference, but plenty of ace people masturbate. And some of them, like straight people, will only get off on specific types of porn/fantasies. They can still have preferences without feeling real attraction to an actual person. The other interesting question is if you picture yourself making out/otherwise with a person you actually know: that would imply actual attraction. But just a made up woman, or someone you were watching, can still mean you're not completely involved. If you're not fixated on a specific person and that continues when you see them, then you're not actually attracted to anyone (I think). This makes me think there can still be sexual preferences, or libido preferences, that are separate from your actual sexual identity. And when you think about it, that makes a fair amount of sense. People will enjoy watching porn that they would never do themselves, or they might really enjoy lesbian porn but be against ever doing that themselves. And so you still have could have a bisexual preference/libido (I'm just making terms up now... :P) while being ace. Aces can still like the idea of sex just fine, and some participate quite regularly but aren't really attracted to the person themselves, they're just "person who likely fits my sexual preferences who is filling a bodily craving". If you had to say you were bisexual just because you prefer atypical/queer porn, then what about ace people who like typical/straight porn? By that logic, they would have to be heterosexual. Sexual identity has nothing to do with libido, and so I still think it has nothing to do with fantasies and porn and preferences of what ideas attract you: the only thing really contributing to sexual identity is who you are attracted to and have those fantasies about actively.

 

I also think the fact that the fantasies are really only stemming from the porn is also very telling: most sexual people will have fantasies based off people they see, they don't need  porn to still be fantasizing. It might increase or change the nature of their fantasies, but just because someone isn't on a slew of romantic movies doesn't mean they don't still envision romantic situations.

 

You don't have a personality issue. You might have developed some sort of mental stress if this is really making you anxious, but I think you've just been callously batted around by people trying to half-help and just get their two cents in. Honestly, I'd suggest leaving the LGBTQ forums you've visited, or at least I'd stay away from ace help there... I've always felt a little odd about the mixing of aspec (aro or ace particularly) with larger LGBTQ groups, because they have pretty different goals. Homo people are trying to get the world to accept relationships with a different sex (but still a relationship), and ace/aro people are just asking people to accept that they.... don't want types of relationships. And so having "love anyone you want!" diluted with "or no one at all... maybe someone platonic..." is just odd. They feel like different fights: and while larger LGBTQ groups are certainly paving the way for wider acceptance which will undoubtedly aid aspec people, understanding different types of attraction and understanding no attraction at all are just too different to assume those LGBTQ forums will all understand or be interested in your struggle. Some might not consider knowing you're ace as very important, because its labeling something.... non existent? Why bother? (Well, yes bother. Always bother. It's important to understand your differences from other people so you don't feel pressured into things that are actually going against your better interest. It frees you from societal constraints that are wasting your time.) I think you've just been sorely mislead, honestly 😕 I hope AVEN is more helpful in that respect. But don't worry: there's nothing wrong with your personality or mental health, or if there is, its not something related to ace struggles (unless you really have had so much anxiety from this that you've developed a mental health issue. That's possible, but I really hope that's not the case and that this will be a helpful starter for figuring things out.)

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summerqueen

 

 

I don't think there are adequate words to describe just how much you have helped me @Orianaro

If I knew you in person I'd but you a gift! 

 

Two years is a long time to be confused, its enough time to cause multiple moments of depression and anxiety. Yes I have a history of anxiety, this has just been the worse form simply because an identity crisis is not easy to deal with. The confusion over what I should base my sexual orientation on especially because I have an inner world that for too long has not matched my real feelings around actual people in flesh. The confusing feedback that "it doesn't matter that you have never been attracted or desire to experiment with women in actual flesh, you are a bisexual or more likely a lesbian based on your fantasy history that happens after porn use and only able to orgasm to thoughts about being with women". It isn't  the bi/lesbian label that is a source of worry, but not grasping how to fit into those labels having reflected and noticed that my fantasies of making out with a woman naturally disappear on its own when I stop watching porn. Now that I am on a no porn journey, the lesbian fantasies have gone so what does my label become then? This is where I was stuck for a long time and lgbt forum users and even straight forum users only response to that was "well, must be denial". The denial claim I understand, logically because of my confusing and complex situation I too would check someone wasn't in denial, but having explained in depth that this wasnt my reality (because I just know deep down that without porn I find it hard to find enough stimulation to think about making out with woman and because I truly do not feel and have never felt attraction to an actual woman in flesh. The porn acts as a first stimulus so that when I switch it off it gives me sufficient arousal to then start fantasizing about being with a woman sexually. Without the porn, the stimulus is not there so there isnt sufficient arousal to motivate thoughts about being with women), I was just ignored and this has been a very isolating road until now!

 

8 hours ago, Orianaro said:

I still think you can be asexual: its still only attraction that truly matters. You might have a libido preference for women/bisexual sort of preference, but plenty of ace people masturbate. And some of them, like straight people, will only get off on specific types of porn/fantasies

 

Thank you! I didn't know this. I did recently come across a post by a married woman who is only able to orgasm to thoughts about being with women and so I didn't feel too alone in that regard. 

8 hours ago, Orianaro said:

The other interesting question is if you picture yourself making out/otherwise with a person you actually know: that would imply actual attraction. But just a made up woman, or someone you were watching, can still mean you're not completely involved. If you're not fixated on a specific person and that continues when you see them, then you're not actually attracted to anyone (I think). This makes me think there can still be sexual preferences, or libido preferences, that are separate from your actual sexual identity.

 

My fantasies of making out with a woman were (started no porn a few days ago so not currently having lesbian fantasies) about making out with an imaginary woman who was inspired from an erotic lesbian movie I watched. No I have never fantasized about making out with a woman I actually know, I had fleeting thoughts like once or twice ( and for like a few seconds) of women I know that felt arousing but when I met these women I felt nothing for them. I have also had brief romantic/sexual thoughts that were arousing of celebrity women that left after one or two fantasies. Celebrity women who outside of those thoughts I never felt any desire or attraction towards and still don't so I just let those fantasies pass and they did but yes majority of the time its a fixed kinda image of an imagery person. Its just feels like "my go too fantasy when I need to get off" and at this point I feel my brain has heavily wired this fantasy into a habit especially since its linked to orgasms. 

 

Quote

Sexual identity has nothing to do with libido, and so I still think it has nothing to do with fantasies and porn and preferences of what ideas attract you: the only thing really contributing to sexual identity is who you are attracted to and have those fantasies about actively.

 

When you use the term "attraction" here is is attraction only to actual people in flesh and not thoughts?

So in your view having a bisexual preference/libido doesn't=bisexual? By bisexual preference/libido, I assume in my case this means having bisexual masturbatory fantasies). So wen defining one's sexual orientation is your view weight is given attraction or no attraction one feels when around actual people in flesh (not thoughts). If that is the case, then asexual hetroromantic describes me perfectly.

 

 

8 hours ago, Orianaro said:

Some might not consider knowing you're ace as very important, because its labeling something.... non existent? Why bother? (Well, yes bother. Always bother. It's important to understand your differences from other people so you don't feel pressured into things that are actually going against your better interest. It frees you from societal constraints that are wasting your time.)

This! Thank you again for such great words. It sums me up! I just want to find peace in my difference because its been a very rough and isolating experience. As a 30 year old I feel very confident and wise in a lot of areas but this has left me grasping so much for clarity and labels do help with that.

 

 

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Marlow1
On 14 May 2018 at 1:48 AM, summerqueen said:

I wrote on here a few months ago, thought I got some questions about asexuality answered and was on my merry way. I went to  lgbt site and was told I am a bisexual or lesbian in denial. No one listened to my story. I am now back on my 2 year sexual orientation analysis based on the lgbt site. Everyday a new question comes up for me to analyze, everyday I am wasting my life away. Its an ongoing cycle and I am not even sure if this is now turning into a mental health issue.

 

I was told this time that the fact that I can only orgasm to thoughts about being intimate with a woman and cannot orgasm to such thoughts about men means that I am bisexual or a lesbian. I am a 30 year old women who is a virgin. Around real flesh and bone people I can pinpoint a romantic attraction to men but a low desire for romance means I do not feel and have never felt compelled to go on dates, be in relationships etc. Around actual women in flesh I do not feel any form of attraction and never have in 30 years of living.

 

Well, I got introduced to lesbian porn/erotic films quite young and it became  habit to view it on and off for 12-15 years (8 of those years I didnt view any lesbian content). Its true I fantasize about women throughout this time period when I switched off the lesbian porn/erotic film.  But when I dont view any porn/erotic film I do not have any fantasies of making out with women this is what I keep trying to explain to people. I have recently started on a no porn journey and as expected my lesbian fantasies have all gone away. I feel no desire and never have for real women and now that I am not assessing lesbian content I have no desire to fantasize about being with a woman.

My only experience with a girl was when I was 14 during a innocent teen chat online. The girl asked if I wanted to try a sexual chat (just text, no pictures, cameras) and I said okay and then we talked sexually, it lasted a few mins and then it ended and I never went back to doing that again. When I was around 15,16 or 17 maybe once or twice I chatted to girls flirtatiously pretending to be a boy (nothing sexual I dont think). It was a strange thing for me to do but I never went back to doing it and until recently since analyzing forgot all about this. Now the lgbt and straight community online are telling me lesbian fantasies and lesbian thoughts that is the only way I achieve orgasms determine my sexual orientation so I cannot be asexual but must be bisexual or a lesbian as my fantasies is my sex life especially as a virgin. But if I am not attracted to women in flesh in day to day life and the fantasies disappear once I stop viewing lesbian content then it feels strange telling people I am bisexual or a lesbian because how do I explain that "yes I am not attracted to actual women but you see when I view lesbian porn, I use it and then switch it off to start thinking about being with a woman but now that I stopped watching porn I no longer have those fantasies and no longer orgasm to lesbian thoughts so thats how I came to identify as a bisexual/lesbian". Something seems very off in that explanation or is it just me?

I know of a site where there are a lot of people describing much the same thing that you are describing but the site that I am referring to is a Christian Porn Recovery site. I don't want to post the link if this might be offensive in any way for you. Some people might take this as me trying to bible bash in some way. I assure you that I am not. I definately would not do that, nor would I be happy if somebody tried to do such a thing to me. It is just that you have said your analysing is making you feel anxious and seeing as I do know of a site where there are a lot of people that are going through something similar to what you describe I feel that with the utmost respect I should ask you if you would like me to post a link to the site I have mentioned? Absolutely no worries if this does not appeal to you. If your answer is no I will understand. It is hard for me to even suggest this because I don't want to upset you in any way. My thoughts are more that you might find others that you can identify with and their shares at the site in question might help you in regards to the confusion you are expressing in you post

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summerqueen

Thank you @Marlow1 for being so helpful. Please feel free to link the site (if that's okay per forum rules). I am not a christian but really it doesn't matter as I have felt very isolated in my experiences  so anywhere where I can read or talk to others who may have gone through a similar confusion is a plus as I'd really like to end the anxiety and stress that has really made life incredibly hard.

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Marlow1
6 hours ago, summerqueen said:

Thank you @Marlow1 for being so helpful. Please feel free to link the site (if that's okay per forum rules). I am not a christian but really it doesn't matter as I have felt very isolated in my experiences  so anywhere where I can read or talk to others who may have gone through a similar confusion is a plus as I'd really like to end the anxiety and stress that has really made life incredibly hard.

Hello Summerqueen

 

This is the site I was referring to. They have links here to even more sites where women are saying that they experience attraction lesbian porn but have no attraction to other women in everyday life. I think the main explanations that they provide are that the person watching is identifying with the characters, and experiencing the sexual experience through the characters. And that in general lesbian porn is less violent, more gentle and often more romantic than other types of pornography and that these attributes can also be what are attracting a person towards the lesbian pornography. Apparently, just knowing why you are attracted can help a person understand better many areas of their lives. 

 

I am a man and have not really been involved with this site much but I do have a female friend that gained benefit from this. She said that in her case it was a lack of intimacy in her everyday life that was fueling the behaviour, she now does not bother with the pornography and is a lot happier with her life and no longer suffers with anxiety. She said just understanding what was going on for her took away the confusion and helped her gain some peace of mind. I do hope you are able to find other people that you can identify with and share with through this site

 

http://longingforintimacy.com/when-christian-women-get-hooked-on-lesbian-porn/

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summerqueen

 

Thank you marlow1. I looked through the site and it has been good knowing I am not totally on my own here. For me lesbian porn is mainly about the taboo aspect and then it led to a habit so I have in the past 2 years analysed my "why" in terms of my fantasy life and figured some key things out. I also have a fantasy prone personality, for most of my life I have fantasized about being an actress (not something I want to be for real) as a way to escape and avoid difficult emotions.

 

It is complicated because unlike some of the posts I have read on the linked website and the basis of which lgbt and straight forums said I was bisexual or a lesbian was not simply the lesbian porn but the whole switching off the porn and the long term actively fantasizing about being with a woman, that and also the fact that I have only been able to orgasm of thoughts about making out with a woman sexually, I have had thoughts about men, arousing but never orgasmed to such thoughts. The confusing bit is of course throughout my life there has been a pattern of when I do not watch lesbian porn I do not have fantasies of making out with a woman and I've also never been attracted to an actual woman in flesh. Other posters in other forums just told me "well then you obviously suffering from denial because no straight person would be doing what you are doing". I am now on a no porn journey (almost a week in) and no lesbian fantasies.

 

 

16 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

She said just understanding what was going on for her took away the confusion and helped her gain some peace of mind. I do hope you are able to find other people that you can identify with and share with through this site

 

http://longingforintimacy.com/when-christian-women-get-hooked-on-lesbian-porn/

This! Your friend summed up exactly what is causing my anxiety---for me its the confusion on what to base my sexual orientation (feelings and attractions around actual people in flesh or my history with same sex fantasies and orgasms that do not crossover to real desire around real women) and not knowing the answer has created so much stress and wasted time. All I have been trying to do is gain an understanding on this area. I meanyea lgbt forums told me that I was bsiexual or lesbian but then decided to not respond when I detailed that my active  lesbian thoughts despite time length and orgasms only popped up after I watched lesbian porn adn without the lesbian porn first acting as a stimulus my lesbian active  fantasies do not occur. When they said I was in denial and full stop that just left me even more confused. I know I am not in denial so what then? Well that's where I have been stuck for 2 years. This got me thinking well maybe its a mental health issue maybe I am different person in my fantasy than who I am around actual people and maybe thats a personality disorder thing. I dont know really. 

 

Anyway sorry for blabbering on, i'm still in really chaotic and very down head space as my anxiety has caused me to have problems with reading comprehension so was just reading through various sites for more understanding and just ended up utterly confused! Might do me well to just take a short break from any further research online.

 

Thanks again for everything!

 

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Orianaro
On 5/15/2018 at 6:08 AM, summerqueen said:

I don't think there are adequate words to describe just how much you have helped me @Orianaro

If I knew you in person I'd but you a gift! 

Aww thank you :) I'm glad this has helped!

 

On 5/15/2018 at 6:08 AM, summerqueen said:

When you use the term "attraction" here is is attraction only to actual people in flesh and not thoughts?

So in your view having a bisexual preference/libido doesn't=bisexual? By bisexual preference/libido, I assume in my case this means having bisexual masturbatory fantasies). So wen defining one's sexual orientation is your view weight is given attraction or no attraction one feels when around actual people in flesh (not thoughts). If that is the case, then asexual hetroromantic describes me perfectly.

I would say attraction is really only based on real people as opposed to thoughts, yes. And yeah, I think your actual identity and your libido preference (or however you wanna call that) can be entirely different. Just like how romantic and sexual orientations can be entirely different. Though I don't think that's all that common: I have yet to hear personally from someone who's homoromantic heterosexual or the like (I'm leaving out aspec because that's a bit different and too likely on this site.) But it's perfectly possible. Ace people don't normally specify "but I masturbate to heterosexual porn" because they don't need to and neither do you. Ace people can still fantasize, but the person is almost always imaginary, and that aligns pretty well with you. You're sort of attracted to the idea of a particular gender, but that never actually translates into real life and so there's not a lot of point including that in an identity unless you feel really, really strongly associated with it. So yeah, libido and preference can be largely left out of the equation unless you think they're really important and actually have a say in this, but it sounds like that was really conflicting to you. And I get what you mean by asking what you're left with when the lesbian fantasies go away, and I think that outlines how unimportant that imaginary attraction is to you. When it comes down to it, it's just your body fulfilling itself in its preferred way, maybe just the way its been taught/has grown accustomed to. Maybe there's just something you prefer more about the idea of lesbian porn, maybe you just find women more attractive in general, what have you. (Random side note, apparently women are more likely to be bisexual. That might just be more women are openly bisexual, of course. But it could also just be because women are really the fairer sex :P )

 

In general,  you do sound asexual heteroromantic. If you're comfortable with that label, then go with it! It might cause you less confusion to avoid porn in general, but that's really not necessary if you become comfortable knowing that porn doesn't have to conflict with your identity. It's only important if you really feel it is a core part of who you are and how you want to identify, but if it feels like an impermanent thing that you'd literally have to upkeep with specific porn or it feels forced on you by others, then just know its not a normal convention for describing real attraction. Hopefully that makes you feel better about your decision :) But either way, there's no rush to slap a name on everything, take your time and let it feel comfortable if you want to.

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summerqueen
9 hours ago, Orianaro said:

 

 

In general,  you do sound asexual heteroromantic. If you're comfortable with that label, then go with it! It might cause you less confusion to avoid porn in general, but that's really not necessary if you become comfortable knowing that porn doesn't have to conflict with your identity. It's only important if you really feel it is a core part of who you are and how you want to identify, but if it feels like an impermanent thing that you'd literally have to upkeep with specific porn or it feels forced on you by others, then just know its not a normal convention for describing real attraction. Hopefully that makes you feel better about your decision :) But either way, there's no rush to slap a name on everything, take your time and let it feel comfortable if you want to.

Cheers  @Orianaro You have such a good understanding on sexuality, out of curiosity have you studied this area academically or is it just through what you have read or understood with your own experience? I have very little knowledge on this subject area but have started learning more recently so that's been great.

 

As a very final thought  I know you discussed the fantasies preferences but in your personal view would you use being only able to orgasm to thoughts about making out with a woman but not being able to orgasm to thoughts about making out with a man (despite being aroused) as enough to base one's sexual orientation on if one has no attraction to actual women in flesh? (the orgasms were linked to the lesbian fantasies that disappear if I do not first watch porn to get me going on the idea of making out with a woman). Thanks a heap for just sharing your own 2 cents on this. I think knowing what others are using to base their sexual orientation on has helped me tremendously.

 

Also yes I do feel very comfortable with asexual hetroromantic as it reflects how I feel around actual people and because of this it feels like it fits.

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Orianaro
14 hours ago, summerqueen said:

As a very final thought  I know you discussed the fantasies preferences but in your personal view would you use being only able to orgasm to thoughts about making out with a woman but not being able to orgasm to thoughts about making out with a man (despite being aroused) as enough to base one's sexual orientation on if one has no attraction to actual women in flesh? (the orgasms were linked to the lesbian fantasies that disappear if I do not first watch porn to get me going on the idea of making out with a woman). Thanks a heap for just sharing your own 2 cents on this. I think knowing what others are using to base their sexual orientation on has helped me tremendously.

I guess I'd still apply the same logic I did to porn: aces who masturbate can still sometimes only get turned on/orgasm to specific types of porn/fantasies, just like sexual people. Call it a lesbian kink, a libido/sexual preference, a habit, a lesbian mental-sexual attraction (attracted/turned on by the idea of a woman only) but I think its just natural that people can be attracted to things that they don't really want in real life. An ace person might only orgasm to straight fantasies, but what made them that way? What made us assume that should be the normal? They just preferred it, or it seems more natural to them, even if they're disgusted by the idea in real life with anyone. So then why aren't they straight? Because that's just their body filling a need, and it has chosen a preference for it. Like chocolate cake over vanilla cake. Maybe you just despise vanilla. Maybe you're cool with both, but wouldn't actually eat either. We've been taught to assume straightness in everyone. Most aces assume before they know that that they are straight, and maybe that's why. They're okay with the idea of straight sex, and sometimes only start questioning it when they are fully confronted with the opposite. And so maybe you're the same, but for a different gender, and I think its the improbability that's tripped you and most other people up. Even queer people have been taught to assume heterosexuality/romanticism.

 

An interesting thought, but don't take this too seriously, is the idea that maybe everyone has a "base" sexuality, even ace people. Basically, stripping everything down to evolution and instincts, what we get off to. And ace people just lack the real world with of exercising that. But if you snapped your fingers and magically made me sexual, I'd be heterosexual, or homosexual, or bisexual, what have you. Basically, your "base" sexual feelings just being your libido's preference, removed from how you really feel. Like what your body, and not you, is attracted to, except its attracted to ideas and not other bodies because its waiting for your mind to be attracted to other bodies and ace people don't have that second step and maybe don't have the first one (AKA pretty much nonexistent libido.) Basically, your body has a mental preference, which goes to your mind, and your mind then filters that into specific bodies, and then some other part of you chooses to act or not. And in that case I'm sure there are some people who then lack the first step (some aces included who then also lack the second real attraction), the libido, while still being attracted to a person but basically unable to actually get off? I don't know, I'm just going off the rails here :P Food for thought, I guess. And even then, I still think that libido step is removed from real sexual identity, and it can be totally separate. For most people that just normally aligns, or doesn't conflict too much (i.e. orgasms to heterosexual stuff but is ace, which is then pretty normal and so doesn't cause too much turmoil.)

 

I'm afraid to say I laughed when I read the "academic study" part :P I've never studied this, or indeed been expressly taught by anyone. I've never had sexual experience really, and the "ace" side of my identity was as fast as "cool, that sounds like me. But like, this aromantic thing? What?!" So I mostly thank the internet and reading countless stories like these. I am highly interested in psychology and do hope to study that eventually, and I have a penchant for over analyzing anything. Other than that, its just pure interest in the human mind, especially such an under-researched, personal topic like attraction and aspec stuff. Frankly, I'm probably a lot younger than you expect :P But that also means I've had more flexibility and space to adapt to these kinds of ideas since I discovered the aspec. Honestly, studying gender and attraction topics would be an interesting thing to do. Though I could do that through psychology, too :P

 

If the shoe label fits is comfortable, wear use it! ;) 

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summerqueen
22 hours ago, Orianaro said:

 

An interesting thought, but don't take this too seriously, is the idea that maybe everyone has a "base" sexuality, even ace people. Basically, stripping everything down to evolution and instincts, what we get off to. And ace people just lack the real world with of exercising that. But if you snapped your fingers and magically made me sexual, I'd be heterosexual, or homosexual, or bisexual, what have you. Basically, your "base" sexual feelings just being your libido's preference, removed from how you really feel. Like what your body, and not you, is attracted to, except its attracted to ideas and not other bodies because its waiting for your mind to be attracted to other bodies and ace people don't have that second step and maybe don't have the first one (AKA pretty much nonexistent libido.) Basically, your body has a mental preference, which goes to your mind, and your mind then filters that into specific bodies, and then some other part of you chooses to act or not. And in that case I'm sure there are some people who then lack the first step (some aces included who then also lack the second real attraction), the libido, while still being attracted to a person but basically unable to actually get off? I don't know, I'm just going off the rails here :P Food for thought, I guess. And even then, I still think that libido step is removed from real sexual identity, and it can be totally separate. For most people that just normally aligns, or doesn't conflict too much (i.e. orgasms to heterosexual stuff but is ace, which is then pretty normal and so doesn't cause too much turmoil.)

 

Dope analysis. I have analysed why I have got hooked to lesbian porn/erotic movies/fantasies and orgasm and thats because it did form a habit and orgasms produce powerful brain chemicals that can wire the brain to remember what caused that powerful chemical and basically add that to an already addiction suspectible indvidual like me you have an issue. I really like your analysis, I don't feel the lesbian fantasies are my "base" though because if it were wouldn't the fantasies happen without the need for stimulus (in my case needing to view porn/erotic content to help create enough arousal to get me to switch off the porn and actively fantasize about making out with a woman sexually)? It also doesnt feel like a core part of me. Stopping the porn has led to the end of lesbian fantasies and there is no feeling of loss, sadness or strong desire to go back to viewing the lesbian porn to help motivate me to fantasize about women and so I slightly diagree with you here but respectfully and I can definitely see where your point lies generally. Great discussion!

 

Quote

I'm afraid to say I laughed when I read the "academic study" part :P I've never studied this, or indeed been expressly taught by anyone. I've never had sexual experience really, and the "ace" side of my identity was as fast as "cool, that sounds like me. But like, this aromantic thing? What?!" So I mostly thank the internet and reading countless stories like these. I am highly interested in psychology and do hope to study that eventually, and I have a penchant for over analyzing anything. Other than that, its just pure interest in the human mind, especially such an under-researched, personal topic like attraction and aspec stuff. Frankly, I'm probably a lot younger than you expect :P But that also means I've had more flexibility and space to adapt to these kinds of ideas since I discovered the aspec. Honestly, studying gender and attraction topics would be an interesting thing to do. Though I could do that through psychology, too :P

 

If the shoe label fits is comfortable, wear use it! ;) 

Wow, so you are a young person! That is even more impressive, seriously! You clearly are ahead in many ways so well done to you! I didn't spend my youth exploring sexuality because frankly it didnt matter I was just odd and liked being alone and as time went by I know people around me thought "wow, you're still a virgin" and I would just smile and say "yep and loving it" lol. If it wasn't for this whole anxiety over the conflicting feedback online I would have just continued to think that real life attraction was the best way to define myself and accepted that yea I can be romantically inclined and attracted to guys but unlikely to do anything about that attraction as I just like being alone.

 

Anyway, its been an absolute pleasure talking to you and I'm still really impressed that you are young and have been able to so wonderfully educate yourself and be so useful to others like me who are most likely much older and couldn't work this out due to a clear fuzziness in the brain caused by a sad case of anxiety.

 

Wishing you much success in life, you've been a brilliant light 🙂

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Orianaro

@summerqueen Thank you so much! :D Good luck with everything, I hope you find some peace :) 

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Marlow1
On 16 May 2018 at 11:20 PM, summerqueen said:

 

Thank you marlow1. I looked through the site and it has been good knowing I am not totally on my own here. For me lesbian porn is mainly about the taboo aspect and then it led to a habit so I have in the past 2 years analysed my "why" in terms of my fantasy life and figured some key things out. I also have a fantasy prone personality, for most of my life I have fantasized about being an actress (not something I want to be for real) as a way to escape and avoid difficult emotions.

 

It is complicated because unlike some of the posts I have read on the linked website and the basis of which lgbt and straight forums said I was bisexual or a lesbian was not simply the lesbian porn but the whole switching off the porn and the long term actively fantasizing about being with a woman, that and also the fact that I have only been able to orgasm of thoughts about making out with a woman sexually, I have had thoughts about men, arousing but never orgasmed to such thoughts. The confusing bit is of course throughout my life there has been a pattern of when I do not watch lesbian porn I do not have fantasies of making out with a woman and I've also never been attracted to an actual woman in flesh. Other posters in other forums just told me "well then you obviously suffering from denial because no straight person would be doing what you are doing". I am now on a no porn journey (almost a week in) and no lesbian fantasies.

 

 

This! Your friend summed up exactly what is causing my anxiety---for me its the confusion on what to base my sexual orientation (feelings and attractions around actual people in flesh or my history with same sex fantasies and orgasms that do not crossover to real desire around real women) and not knowing the answer has created so much stress and wasted time. All I have been trying to do is gain an understanding on this area. I meanyea lgbt forums told me that I was bsiexual or lesbian but then decided to not respond when I detailed that my active  lesbian thoughts despite time length and orgasms only popped up after I watched lesbian porn adn without the lesbian porn first acting as a stimulus my lesbian active  fantasies do not occur. When they said I was in denial and full stop that just left me even more confused. I know I am not in denial so what then? Well that's where I have been stuck for 2 years. This got me thinking well maybe its a mental health issue maybe I am different person in my fantasy than who I am around actual people and maybe thats a personality disorder thing. I dont know really. 

 

Anyway sorry for blabbering on, i'm still in really chaotic and very down head space as my anxiety has caused me to have problems with reading comprehension so was just reading through various sites for more understanding and just ended up utterly confused! Might do me well to just take a short break from any further research online.

 

Thanks again for everything!

 

Hi Summerqueen

 

To some extent I am ignorant of such matters. I have aphantasia, a blind mindseye. I cannot fantasize, zero attraction to porn, I am Demisexual. Please see my profile if you want to know more

 

The friend I speak of, she developed OCD, because of the attraction to lesbian porn thing. Through therapy she descreased her anxiety by creating a new script in her mind. Basically she now says, I am attracted to lesbian porn that's fine, I am not a lesbian, that's fine, I have no interest in the pornography even though I am attracted, that's fine too

 

She said she does not 100% believe everything in this article but it helped her accept her situation better

 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/11977121/Women-are-either-bisexual-or-gay-but-never-straight.html

 

My partner, she developed hypersexuality, mainly because she and I did not understand my Aphantasia and Demisexuality, long story, it's in my profile section.....

 

But like the friend I have mentioned my partner eventually got herself in a better place using OCD recovery methods. There is a lot about this on youtube, it might be worth taking a look

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summerqueen

Thank you so much @Marlow1

Unfortunately it really does seem that my mind that moved into over analyzing this issue and becoming very anxious and stressed over it due to feelings of an identity crisis. However, I am definitely going to look more into the youtube videos on anxiety/ocd and start educating myself on how to reduce the stress and maybe then I can lean into acceptance and realize how small of a thing this really is for me to be wasting  2 years of my life over. I can't afford therapy at the moment but if I get to the place where I financially can and still find I am struggling I most definitely will seek professional help.

 

Thank you all for the kindness of your time. I am really grateful and wishing you all much goodness in life.

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