Physical stimulation or sexual attraction? (BDSM involved)

[manicmanner]

This is a bit much, maybe, so I apologize in advance.

 

I identify as a bottom-leaning switch with submissive tendencies. My best friend jokes that I'm BDSM-sexual as outside of a D/s dynamic I have no interest in sexual activities, and even then I'm not necessarily attracted to the person I'm with as much as I'm attracted to the power exchange element. I like being forced to do things, and sex for me can be negotiated as one of those activities (except for any sort of penetration as my body has a difficult time getting aroused enough for that sort of thing.)

 

I've done a variety of different play (with friends, mostly) for about three years and I've enjoyed the mental and physical elements of most of the scenes I've done. But recently I played with a friend and found that through some impact play I got turned on. I don't want to sleep with the friend I played with, but I don't know.

 

I generally have a low libido (unless I'm experiencing a manic episode) and haven't experienced sexual attraction to people, I think. I'm not sure what that feels like, but I've never been like, man, I really find that person attractive and want to do sexual things with them. I tend to be romantically attracted to dominant personalities, though, and I guess I'm panicky about the possibility of being sexually attracted to my friend because of the dominance thing? Was it because of the physical stimulation from the form of play? Does that undermine my identity as asexual or does that under the category of gray-ace?

[Orianaro]

That's totally under grey-ace! Grey ace can be an umbrella "somewhere on the spectrum" but it can also mean rare, or infrequent sexual attraction. So if you actually do sexually like this guy, that's still grey ace, but its up to you what grey ace means to you. It's probably the most flexible ace spectrum term there is.

[Salmiakki]

6 hours ago, manicmanner said:

I tend to be romantically attracted to dominant personalities

Damn me too, definitely

[manicmanner]

On 5/13/2018 at 10:17 PM, Orianaro said:

That's totally under grey-ace! Grey ace can be an umbrella "somewhere on the spectrum" but it can also mean rare, or infrequent sexual attraction. So if you actually do sexually like this guy, that's still grey ace, but its up to you what grey ace means to you. It's probably the most flexible ace spectrum term there is.

Thank you!

[manicmanner]

On 5/14/2018 at 1:41 AM, Salmiakki said:

Damn me too, definitely

Right?

[Salmiakki]

2 hours ago, manicmanner said:

Right?

Yeah for some reason I just find submissive men way less attractive  (I'm mostly romantically attracted to men)

[MsKittenFluff]

Honestly in my opinion that sounds like a physical reaction to a physical strain/stimuli, similar to working out muscles around the hip area, upper thighs to a point it'll affect the area. So I don't inherently see that as a sexual response to a person or due to attraction for them you didn't identify or consciously experience. I'm not a masochist myself, but masochism is something to do with deriving pleasure from impact play right? Rather than because of the person things happen because of the pain specifically? So it still wouldn't be sexual attraction to a person.

[Guest]

 

On 5/14/2018 at 11:03 AM, manicmanner said:

My best friend jokes that I'm BDSM-sexual as outside of a D/s dynamic I have no interest in sexual activities, 

Having been part of the fetish community in the past I can say your friend is right, it is definitely possible to be sexual for a type of sex as opposed to, er, sexual for people specifically. That's still sexual if a desire to actively partake in partnered BDSM sex acts is involved, and you probably do still have a preference as to whom you want that sex with based on your comments about dominance. You can call yourself whatever you want of course, but I've seen a lot of people limiting themselves by calling themselves grey or ace then getting very upset and confused when they realize someone specific is turning them on so I think personally that those labels sometimes do more harm than good (which is why I no longer bother with any real label!).

 

It does sound to me like you're attracted in a sexual way to this person because they turned you on (though any desire to engage in a partnered sex act with someone else is a form of sexual attraction - think of someone you'd never do a BDSM act with: that's someone you're not attracted to in a sexual way) but you know what? There's nothing wrong with that.  What would be so wrong about not being ace and just being someone who is attracted to BDSM situations and certain dominant personalities? I truly don't see what the issue would be with that.

 

On 5/14/2018 at 11:03 AM, manicmanner said:

and I guess I'm panicky about the possibility of being sexually attracted to my friend 

 

But yeah you can call yourself whatever makes you most comfortable of course, like I said,  I just sometimes see these labels making people afraid of who they might be (and you specifically said you're panicky) which is one way such labels really don't serve this community or people in general. If identifying with a label is going to cause one stress and upset when circumstances don't reflect that label then that label is being taken too seriously and should be cast aside because it's no longer aiding you, it's now limiting you which is not cool!!!