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bejjinks

I don't have time to get fully into it right now but I hate my life. Many things have steered me the wrong direction until I am lonely, living in a single room, in debt, and messed up emotionally. I am in therapy. However, if anyone is willing to help me sort some stuff out, I'd appreciate it.

 

WARNING: this thread may become graphic at times. I was molested when I was five. I have also had other unpleasant sexual experiences.

 

There are times when I just want to give up and die. I'm fighting to have a decent life and sometimes feel hopeless like having a decent life is impossible.

 

I've got to get ready for work now. At least my job is going well.

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Biblioromantic

Hey there! I'm sorry you're struggling. I know how that feels. It wasn't too long ago that I was in your shoes.

 

The good news is that you do have some things going in the right direction. You have a job that you seem to like or is at least "going well." That's pretty huge. And you're in therapy, which is also a big positive if you're trying to feel better about the rest of what's happening in your life, your past, and how you feel about everything. Kudos to you for recognizing that therapy could be helpful for you and for following through with getting it. I hope you've found a good therapist and feel like you're making progress there.

 

Let me ask you a question: if you could change just one thing about your current life, what would it be? What things could you do now to help yourself make that change?

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scarletlatitude

virtual_hugs__animation__by_kiainne-d9gb

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iff

*hug bejjinks*

 

cats-and-dogs-hugging-it-out-1-12289-132

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manicmanner

*hugs*

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bejjinks
11 hours ago, Biblioromantic said:

Let me ask you a question: if you could change just one thing about your current life, what would it be? What things could you do now to help yourself make that change?

As an answer to that question, I will answer, "When do I feel lonely the most?"

 

Holidays: It would be nice to have someone to exchange gifts with and to share traditions with.

 

Collaboration: I have several things I want to achieve that I cannot achieve on my own.

 

Health and grooming: When I get home from a day of work, it would be nice to get a back rub. I would also be willing to give a back rub. Also, I would like to color my beard but that is hard to do by myself.

 

Companionship: There are many activities that are more fun with someone than they are alone. I'd love to travel and have a travel companion.

Conversation: It would be nice to talk about anything and nothing.

 

The reason I put this in "The Gray Area . . ." is because there is also a sexual element but it's hard to understand exactly how that sexual element fits. For example, I want the health and grooming to include the health and grooming of the private areas. I do get erections and erections feel good but trying to have an orgasm feels like a lot more hassle than it's worth. It's very important that my friend(s) have zero homophobia, that my friend(s) are okay with letting me have an erection without freaking out or assuming that I want an orgasm. A big reason I am hurting is because generally people either are afraid of my sexuality or they expect me to go all the way. I'm trying to figure out how sexual I am and how to have a close companion that accepts my low key sexuality without trying to rev it up.

 

One of the best experiences I ever had was cuddling naked with a guy. The only problem was that the guy repeatedly said "You can f me if you want to." No matter how many times I told him that I didn't want to f him, he kept repeating himself like a broken record. The cuddling would have been wonderful if the guy had just shut up and allowed me to not f him.

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Biblioromantic

It sounds like the answer to my question is that you're lonely. I totally get that, I really do. 100% living it myself.

 

It sounds like you're doing what you can to form new connections. I noticed you joined AVEN on Friday, and that's good. I saw your meetup group listing from your profile, and that's good too. Are there any other ace meetup groups in your area? You could try PM some of the folks on this thread, for example.  I know it's kinda old, but you never know who might still be around and want to meet up.

 

Also, if you're on Facebook, look for local ace groups there as well. You can even join a group and then make that connection private so it can't be viewed by your other friends, if you're not out. It means you can't respond to posts except by private message, but you can have your ear to the ground and receive their posts on your timeline. I've met some friends that way.

 

Another good option for you to try is Ace-book.net. It's a networking site for aces. I don't know that there will be anyone you're interested in or if there will be anyone in your geographical area, but it would be a good place to check out.

https://www.ace-book.net

 

I hope you find someone to connect with. I wish that for everyone. Best wishes!

 

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bejjinks

Part of the problem is that I live in Boise Idaho. I keep hearing that Boise is becoming more liberal but Boise is still probably 95% gun-toting, misogynist, conservatives.

 

Thank you for the ideas, I will look into them.

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Biblioromantic

I totally understand. I'm in Utah, which is pretty much the same thing. I get somewhat of a pass because I'm demi-heteromantic, but I still totally understand what you're saying.

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