imhereimqueer

Heteronormativity

Recommended Posts

imhereimqueer

hello guys,

I´m sorry if this is not exactly about asexuality but I didn´t know where to pu this...

I have a short presentation about heteronormativity next week and would like to include some experiences people made with it.

So maybe you´d like to share a few thoughts or problems that have to do with heteronormativity so I can maybe quote them in my presentation (would be nice if you could write a name and age under your opinion). Simply  a few sentences would be enough and great : D

Thank you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CirothUngol

* The expectation that, as a male, I should wish to have sex with every attractive female?

* The assumption that if I don't, that I'm homosexual by default?

* The assumption that if I'm not homosexual, that I'm heterosexual by default?

* The expectation that I must want sex with someone, and if I don't that I'm lying, repressed, or ill?

* The assumption that if I love my wife and enjoy sharing sex with her, that I must be heterosexual or at least bi?

* The assumption by significant others that your lack of attraction to them is their fault, or because you don't really love them?

 

...am I loosing sight of the whole "heteronormativity" thing? Perhaps so, I'll stop there.

Name's to the left, I've just turned 50.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
purpleandgreylife

@imhereimqueer 

 

  • The assumption that everyone wants to date, get married and have kids completely invalidates people who identify as aromantic (like myself).
  • Assumptions that I am not really asexual but rather a "nervous virgin" who just "hasn't met the right guy" yet, invalidates that I am asexual, I do not desire sexual activity. Further, it ignores the fact that I am not afraid to have sex, I just do not want it. It is also invalidating to assume that if I did want it, I would automatically want it with a male because I am female.
  • The assumption that a non-sexual, non-romantic relationship, is 'basically the same as a best friendship', no matter how deep the emotional bond and regardless of the other types of intimacy that exist and that may be shared between partners (platonic or romantic)..

 

--

Name: purpleandgreylife

Age: prefer not to say

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maks9090

• As a male I cannot just have a female friend. Or even “worse” a female best friend.

- To add to that, my old uncle said “‘Being friends’ is what they call it now.” And I was frothing at the mouth trying to contain myself.

• My friendliness has been met with doubt and confusion multiple times due to the person I was friendly towards was  of the opposite sex. (Never happened with the same sex)

• Strangers winking at me for hanging out with my best friend of the opposite sex, insinuating I’m “‘bout to get lucky.”

 

 

Guess a lot of this intersections with sexism, eh? I guess. We are, after all, behind on sexism, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, mysoginy and the like in this country... (Poland, fyi) Hopefully this helped?

 

Name’s Maks and I’m 19.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Amber79

The assumption that if you don't date, get married or have children you must be deeply lonely, misguided and your life means nothing and that only if you have all of those things your life has meaning and happiness.

 

Amber, 39

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nowhere Girl

Heteronormativity also has a lot to do with gender because compulsory heterosexuality would be impossible if people weren't (supposedly) neatly divided into two "opposite" genders.

The expectation that all women want to be sexually attractive to men. Not always credible protests "But I'm doing it for myself!" and following all the inconvenient and even dangerous rituals of female sexiness (make-up, short skirts, high heels...). Implicitly teaching girls that they should cater to male expectations. (Clothes for younger and younger girls are no longer childlike, but rather Lolita-like.) Disbelieving women who declare that they don't want to be sexy or attractive. This is tightly entangled, to the point that a gender-nonconforming style quite immediately tends to be "read" as sign of a non-heterosexual orientation.

 

Name: I think too that it's best to use our forum usernames.

Age: 37

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Palovana

- Straight people assuming you're also straight and want sexual attention from them.

 

- Saying you're not straight only leads to them saying something like "oh, you just haven't had good sex yet", implying that sex with them will somehow "turn" me straight.

 

- Doctors acting like your primary and only health concern is reproductive health, and as a female automatically assume you're straight, by jumping on you the moment you walk in the door with questions about pregnancy and birth control, no matter what your real reason for the appointment. This happened even when I was in the ER bleeding from the head with a concussion, and they were more concerned about prescribing birth control pills and saying "are you sure???" every time I said I don't have sex with men, before even bothering to examine my head injury.

 

- Being female and not being able to have any male friends because they always try to make the relationship sexual in some way, or treat you like friend "with benefits".

 

- Straight people using friendship as a manipulative tactic to get you to talk to them and spend time with them, and then suddenly behaving in a sexual way when they get you alone. 

 

- People who led you to believe they were your friends abandoning you after you turn down their sexual advances.

 

- Random people who find you attractive thinking they're entitled to touch you or hug you. Sorry, what was your name again?

 

- Any friendliness or politeness on my part is automatically misread as flirting.

 

- I can't say I look up to or admire a guy in a non-sexual way, for qualities like artistic skill or confidence, without everyone thinking I have a crush on him.

 

- The way pretty much the entire world seems to think that your relationships are stupid or inferior or worthless if they don't involve sex.

 

- Being harassed while minding my own business by straight men who think it's acceptable to start chatting me up, and refusing to leave me alone when I make it clear I'm not interested, and then getting all mad and calling me a whore/bitch/slut/dyke/whatever and/or becoming physically aggressive when it finally gets through their head that they will never get anywhere with me.

 

- Being completely alienated from people my age (20s-30s) because all anyone ever wants to talk about is dating, fucking, or their kids.

 

- Even at almost 30, whenever I say I don't want kids, people will say all smug-like "oh, you will, just give it a few years". Right, people have been telling me that since I was 10 and I still don't want them.

 

- Doctors believing that not wanting sex MUST be a symptom of a medical condition.

 

- Not being able to get any real treatment for PTSD because therapists love to ask personal and irrelevant questions like "so how's your sex life?", and the minute I say I'm asexual, all they want to talk about is fucking, and not my PTSD symptoms. They're more interested in "fixing" my sexual orientation than actually helping me heal from child abuse. Even worse when they say "well you just think you're asexual because you were abused".

 

- Basically, just straight cisgender people projecting their assumptions onto me and then getting mad at me and treating me like shit when my behavior doesn't match their assumptions. How dare I be myself.

 

...I'll probably think of more.

 

Palovana, 27

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Laplace

I kinda wish I could have some female platonic friends. I mean, I typically enjoy activities that have a higher male demographic but it’d be interesting. But with the social expectations of men and women it’s hard to start something without giving the wrong impression. On one hand, I don’t want to come off as flirty. On the other hand, I can’t really preface it by saying something like, “I only want to be friends,” cause I feel like people would take offense to it or just wouldn’t believe me ☹️.

 

Also, some character designs for games that are deliberately catering to the tastes of men make it embarrassing to play in front of people cause they always make some comment along the lines of, “Oh that’s why you play these games 😏.” No, I play games cause of the gameplay 😫. And, I feel like heteronormativity restricts design by forcing female characters (and some male characters) to have sort of sexy element even when it’s not practical. I know you need to have a memorable design to sell and stick in people’s memories, but it just feels like a shame that we can’t have something crazy like a woman being revealed as the person behind a character like the Black Knight in Fire Emblem, a hulking armored juggernaut.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rippleshadow

-I think one of the biggest things for me is that since I am female, any time I have a male friend, everyone always asks "do you like him? are you dating? I saw you holding hands, that means you were basically dating". 

-And, growing up  in elementary, middle, and high school, I'd always get asked "who do you like?", and I'd always say no-one, and no-one would believe me. 

-I'm way more aesthetically attracted to females than males, and I don't find most guys aesthetically attractive, so it's frustrating when other girls talk about boys being cute and men being handsome and asking me whether or not I think they're attractive. I always say no, but they keep asking anyway <_<

-Before I got into the relationship I'm in currently (with a male), if I told people I'd never had a boyfriend they would assume I've never been in a relationship, which was not the case (I've had a girlfriend before). 

-I remember hearing one of my classmates in high school say "if you're not physically attracted to a person you're not going to date them" and I was just so confused?? And now when I show people pictures of my boyfriend for the first time, their first response is almost always "He's so cute!!" and when I react with little more than a shrug they're the ones who are confused :P 

-I hate telling people I'm asexual and them responding with things like "you just haven't matured yet" or "you just haven't met the right person yet". I think most ace people can relate to that. 

-A lot of allos don't realize how difficult and isolating it can be to be an asexual or aromantic in a world dominated mostly by allo people. I think this also occurs sometimes with hetero people toward people who experience same gender attraction.

-Virgin being used as an insult has always bothered me. 

 

There are definitely other things but those are just the ones that first come to mind. I also wasn't sure if you wanted things more geared toward allonormativity or not so I tried to include some related to my experiences as an ace and some related to my experiences as panromantic. 

I hope your presentation goes well!

 

Name: Ripple

Age: 20 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bronztrooper

- Guys talking about sex a lot, which puts me off of interacting with them

- Assuming that, since I'm a guy, that means I must be into girls in a sexual way

- People being genuinely surprised/shocked when I tell them I'm a virgin

- "You'll change your mind when you get laid"

- "You're not a man until you * insert sex-related act here*"

- Guys who know I'm a virgin thinking that I just need help to get laid

- People assuming that I have a girlfriend and then being caught completely off-guard when I tell them I don't (which, admittedly, is kind of amusing)

- When I actually had a girlfriend (back in high school), I'd get comments like "Nice pick" or "Didn't think you'd be able to get a girl like that" whenever they saw us together

- My dad asking if I saw any 'cute girls' at school/work and then trying to question me about it when I just shrug

- People thinking I might be gay because I enjoy playing as female characters that aren't scantily-clad in video games (which I never really understood)

- When modding a couple of my games, having to sift through all the mods that change the outfits on female characters into skimpy ones as well as the ones that make the characters look more 'attractive' or 'sexy'

- Whenever I'm playing online and someone says that they're a girl in the in-game chat and watching it blow up with guys basically saying 'Will you be my girlfriend?'

- People assuming that in a game with customizeable characters and romances, guys will only play female characters to romance other female characters, and anyone who romances guy characters with female characters has to be gay (which, again, I've never understood)

- 'Fan-service' = Female characters with large breasts wearing extremely revealing clothing (🙄)

- The idea that when a male character and a female character constantly butt heads with each other (in the figurative sense) there has to be some sort of sexual tension between them

 

That's all that I can think of off the top of my head atm.

 

Name: Bronz

 

Age: 21

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Radio

- The ideology that someone has to be straight, romantically and sexually inclined, abide by kind of frighteningly damaging gender roles, and the blatant assumption that any and all decisions made boil down to some stupid desire for a relationship (Which then is jokingly called "Prison" once serious) demonizes not only the LGBTQIA+ community but  everyone as a whole if they deviate even slightly. What sort of messed up logic is that??? You can't win!

 

- I have been told so many times that my asexuality was a phase. There's this stupid idea that I'm going to find some guy (No one ever even considers a girl) that will change my entire worldview and that my lack of sexual attraction will be reversed once I have intercourse with him! It honestly hurts when everyone thinks you're just being childish or won't take your sexual disinterest seriously. It feels like yourself as a whole is getting rejected and shoved into a box society would prefer you to fit in, giving not a single crap if you don't feel comfortable with it. It's terrifying a lot of the time.

 

- Being friendly by any means is apparently not only flirting, but it's consent to be touched and bothered. If I wear makeup or dress 'cute', it's like an invitation and I'm sorry, but I haven't once sent out any invites into my personal bubble. Even my parents will assume that I'm flirting and they'll swear upon it even when I swear up and down that I wasn't. It's a huge assumption game that you cannot seem to possibly win and you almost always come out of it feeling nasty for it.

 

- I can't have male friends. Everyone will always assume that we're interested in another. I have been called so many insulting names for hanging out with a group of guys on my own. Whore/Slut/Desperate B****, just to name the tamer of the bunch. The worst part is, I grew up around males. I feel more comfortable talking to males. Yet this society also makes me fear them. Do you know how much I hate it when I instinctively shrink into myself when I pass guys on the street? Or how it feels to constantly distrust some dude's intentions if he talks to me? Because I hate it. I hate fearing the very people I prefer to be around, but I  cannot afford to be open with them anymore because it seems like once you hit puberty, society teaches all of us that guys and girls can't just be friends anymore. 

 

- Every time I tell someone I don't want kids, they tell me "I said the same thing". Nothing I say to them will validate my viewpoint. My career choice? Moot point. My inability to tolerate children for more than five minutes on a good day? "You'll learn." Even MARRIAGE is a problem. I tell people I never want to get married and everyone tells me to just wait until I'm older, because "I'll see". 

 

- I turn twenty-one this year. I've had maybe four relationships my entire life. I have days where I feel like a terrible person for not actively seeking out romance and for being a virgin. Which is disgusting, considering that I normally take pride in not needing a relationship to feel fulfilled and I am very proud of being a virgin thank you very much. If the beauty industry wasn't bad enough at making me hate myself, now society has to do it too when it comes to me personal relationships? Seriously?

 

- If I'm hurt about being invalidated, it's my fault for being out. Because Asexuality (Or just LGBTQIA+ in some communities) isn't popular, it's somehow my fault for being so hurt when people step on my sexuality and demonize me for it. It's not the fault of the ignorant, it's the fault of the person who dared to be openly different. If that's not a damaging ideology, I don't know what is.

 

That's enough rambling for one day.

 

Name: Slaine

Age: Twenty

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bronztrooper
22 hours ago, Laplace said:

Also, some character designs for games that are deliberately catering to the tastes of men make it embarrassing to play in front of people cause they always make some comment along the lines of, “Oh that’s why you play these games 😏.” No, I play games cause of the gameplay 😫. And, I feel like heteronormativity restricts design by forcing female characters (and some male characters) to have sort of sexy element even when it’s not practical. I know you need to have a memorable design to sell and stick in people’s memories, but it just feels like a shame that we can’t have something crazy like a woman being revealed as the person behind a character like the Black Knight in Fire Emblem, a hulking armored juggernaut.

I feel the same way.  The way I see it, if a revealing outfit fits for the kind of person the character is, then I'll be moderately ok with it (good examples are Jack from Mass Effect and Isabela from Dragon Age), but if it's just revealing for the sake of being revealing, I'll be annoyed about it (* glares at all those skimpy armor mods for Skyrim on Nexus *).  I also heavily dislike the fact that if I say that I like a female character, it's assumed that it's because said character is attractive.  🙄

 

23 minutes ago, Radio said:

- I can't have male friends. Everyone will always assume that we're interested in another. I have been called so many insulting names for hanging out with a group of guys on my own. Whore/Slut/Desperate B****, just to name the tamer of the bunch. The worst part is, I grew up around males. I feel more comfortable talking to males. Yet this society also makes me fear them. Do you know how much I hate it when I instinctively shrink into myself when I pass guys on the street? Or how it feels to constantly distrust some dude's intentions if he talks to me? Because I hate it. I hate fearing the very people I prefer to be around, but I  cannot afford to be open with them anymore because it seems like once you hit puberty, society teaches all of us that guys and girls can't just be friends anymore. 

 

- Every time I tell someone I don't want kids, they tell me "I said the same thing". Nothing I say to them will validate my viewpoint. My career choice? Moot point. My inability to tolerate children for more than five minutes on a good day? "You'll learn." Even MARRIAGE is a problem. I tell people I never want to get married and everyone tells me to just wait until I'm older, because "I'll see".

I feel like I'm limited in my options about which guys I can stand being around- which feels really weird because I am a guy.  I honestly prefer to interact with women because the topic of sex never really comes up.  And I'm used to being around women/girls so I feel comfortable talking with them, so I guess I'm the reverse of you?  I've been lucky, though- no one has assumed that I was dating any of the girls I was talking to, though, a couple of times people assumed that I was related to a couple of them because we looked similar.

 

I've always said that I don't want to get married because I don't need a piece of metal and a piece of paper to prove that I love someone.  Tends to shut people up pretty easily.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bloc
  • The assumption that if you don't get into a (straight) relationship/have sex you some kind of looser. This took a toll on my self confidence during school. Add the idea the all women want masculine men and oneself not feeling masculine, you get the pressure to be more masculine and to fend off all possibly and imagined threats to your masculinity. This lead to suppressing an important part of my personality and cost me a lot energy.

 

19 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

I feel like I'm limited in my options about which guys I can stand being around- which feels really weird because I am a guy.  I honestly prefer to interact with women because the topic of sex never really comes up.

I don't know if this is common for asexuals, but it is easier for me to relate to women than (straight) men.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
imhereimqueer

Thank you guys!!! This helped me so much, my presentation is tomorrow and it´s surely gonna be stunning because of your help.

You wrote way more than I thought you would so I wasn`t  able to include all your experiences and opinions but I tried to get as many as possible.

 

when reading all this it was again disturbing to me how heteronormative our society is. I hope that with my presentation tomorrow I can maybe make my classmates think and reflect.

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The Angel of Eternity

The assumption that being a virgin is bad.

John, 19

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now