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Asexuality or Trauma Symptoms?

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A little introduction before I begin:


I'm a bisexual trans guy and I like this cis girl (I'll call her Sam) that I met online. She knows I'm trans and we have mutual feelings but since we live so far away from eachother we decided not to use the "boyfriend/girlfriend" label (and also because we just don't like labels in general). I've had an experience with sexual abuse when I was very young that I barely remember and I thought hardly affected me, which might factor into my current predicament.


I look at porn and I've masturbated frequently. And even before me and Sam realized our mutual feelings, we sexually flirted with eachother. Recently though, she sent a picture of her in her bra. She was beautiful, yes, but I felt sort of disgusted. I started to worry that I wasn't sexually attracted to her or maybe seeing a feminine body was dysphoric for me but I've watched porn, so those reasons felt sort of stupid.


I've also had a small fling with a cis boy in high school. We kissed and grinded (never any penetrative sex) while high. And I thought maybe being high would make me feel less awkward, since it was my first time doing anything with anybody (as far as I knew), but I still felt rigid and was so tense that he brought it up.


This experience and Sam's picture brought me to the conclusion that maybe I don't really like being in a sexual relationship? I also began to realize that when I masturbate I don't really fantasize about anyone in particular, which I chalked up to being because it felt too embarrassed to fantasize about someone I like. But in reality, it seems as though thinking about people in that respect makes me feel disgusted and seeing Sam's picture only visualized that for me.


I want to tell her how I feel but I don't want to hurt her feelings and for her to think that I don't find her beautiful, so I want to sort out whatever I'm feeling. Is this a type of asexuality or am I just going through some trauma symptoms?

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It could also be both. Like, personally I'm demi but when I am interested in somebody it kind of triggers my PTSD and that complicates things more. Might be worth talking to a therapist about the trauma part to see if they can help you figure out if that is a factor. Ideally a trans-friendly therapist with some experience with ace clients, if you can find one.


Definitely talk to 'Sam' about it too. You can just tell her more or less what you said in the last paragraph. You're not sure how you feel about partnered sex but you want to try to figure things out and might need some time for that. Be clear that the answer might turn out to be that partnered sex isn't your thing. That's ok. And the fact that it's long-distance probably means you won't have as much pressure to try partnered sex before you're ready, which helps.


Good luck!

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