Bambi2

Telling people

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Bambi2

I tend to be very standoffish with men I meet because I don't want to give them the wrong idea and have to pretend I'm interested in starting a sexual relationship. I feel like I'm writing off half of the human species and I would very much like to form friendships. How do you tell people that you don't like sex and don't intend to ever again become involved in a sexual relationship without completely alienating them? I can't even smile at a man without fearing they might think I'm coming on to them. Is it even possible for men and women to have platonic friendships without sex eventually coming in to ruin the relationship?

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Karoushi

I feel like everyone tends to make it feel impossible when it really isn't the case. Hell, I had a good guy friend in high school and people, adults and my peers, keep trying to push that we might hook up at some point. I would say just be mindful of why they're trying to get to know you in the first place. There are guys out there that just wants a friendship and nothing more. Not to mention, most people wouldn't expect sex unless the relationship is a romantic one. But if it does appear like they want sex from you, simply say you're not interested and distance yourself if they don't respect that. 

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Homer
2 hours ago, Bambi2 said:

I feel like I'm writing off half of the human species and I would very much like to form friendships.

I don't see how that's a bad thing. Obviously there's a big red flag, not wanting a sexual relationship. Yep, that might involve writing a lot of people off, but those will be those where it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

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Rippleshadow

It is super possible.

In high school I was pretty good friends with 3 guys and as far as I know, only one of them ever wanted more than friendship out of relationship, and even after I made it clear I just wanted to be his friend, he was okay with it. 

Since starting college, I've become close with 3 other guys. Two of them I'm certain only love me platonically. The third was interested in me from the first day we met but we're dating now so I guess I'm okay with that 😛 

But yeah! 5/6 times for me, I maintained a successfully platonic relationship with a guy as a girl. Then again, I'm only 20. Maybe it's different when people get a little older? 

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ryn2
17 hours ago, Rippleshadow said:

Maybe it's different when people get a little older? 

I’m not sure it’s that it gets different as (the same) people get older; it may be that people who are older (right now) were more likely to grow up in a time/environment where asexuality wasn’t known, wasn’t seen as an option, and/or was treated as a mental disorder.  People who have grown up since asexuality (and LGBT+ orientations in general) became better known may have a more flexible attitude towards relationships and friendships than their older counterparts do.

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Bambi2

I know what you mean. I grew up in the 1960s, the beginning of the sexual revolution and free love. To not be interested in sex, was unheard of and actually considered somewhat of a mental disorder. Now, the young men from the 1960s are old, but their mindset is still that of the swinging 1960s and thanks to Viagra, they can still indulge their physical desires.

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Tunhope

Would like to come in on this one purely to suggest that there are a lot of generalisations there. I also grew up in the sixties, in Liverpool and uni in Manchester and was very much a part of the lifestyle that went with all that but....I knew lots of people who  were neither interested in sex nor felt  that uninterest in sex was a mental disorder.

"The young men..are old, but their mindset is still that...." Applies to some maybe. Not to all.

And regarding Viagra... many elderly men can still function sexually without Viagra. 

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ryn2

I’d have to guess growing up in a less traditional and/or more socially liberal area could translate into much earlier awareness of differing orientations.  I grew up outside a small city in a conservative area, in the 70’s, and there were zero “out” gay/lesbian people in my almost-1000-people high school. Things like bi, pan, and asexuality were not on anyone’s radar (under any name).  The first time I met a (still not out, but self-confirmed in private) gay person my own age was a couple of years after I started working.

 

A few people I knew in school did come out much later.

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Tunhope

Yes, @ryn2 I must say that I didn't know personally anybody who put any kind of  label on their orientation back in the sixties. Certainly it would have been very rare to come out and say you were gay - it was still illegal in the UK for much of that decade. In fact, I only heard the label 'asexual' relatively recently. I wasn't equating 'uninterest' with asexuality or with any orientation really. Just making a point about sweeping statements for, in my experience, sex wasn't an enormous issue for everybody. Nor was it on everyone's mind all the time. I do worry a bit (actually, a lot) about generalisations. This is going to sound condescending but it isn't meant to be, truly -  I really appreciate your own use of 'may' in your Sunday post.  Words like 'some' and 'may' make such a difference. 

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