Evidence suggests I'm gay but self-doubt says no

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So, I'm really shit with feelings, 90% of the time I'm only vaguely aware of what I'm feeling at the time. I thought I was aro/ace for a while but lately I've been kind of cataloguing feelings and actions/reactions and evidence suggests I'm into girls. I like looking at boobs, I might or might not have a crush on a girl (talking to her makes my heart beat really fast but then again so does speaking in class), when I imagine myself in a relationship it's with a woman, romantic interactions that make me uncomfortable when I'm imagininig them with men are totally fine with women (like nicknames for example). So pretty straight forward, right? Sounds like I'm a lesbian. But  I have several problems with this assessment:

#1: Most of the fictional couples I like are heterosexual. And I know that doesn't necessarily reflect my sexuality but I do wonder. Is it just because I like angsty besties with underlying sexual and romantic tension that drags on for several seasons and there's not a lot of lesbian couples that fit that profile or is it because I'm just not gay?

#2: Whenever I'm close to telling my friends I back out in the last second. I know the problem isn't my friends, they're super open-minded and probably file it away under additional information about me and move on or something idk. So why is it that I can't tell my friends that I'm into girls?

#3: A voice in my mind seems to keep intercepting my gay epiphanies. Whenever I look at a woman and think 'oh yeah I'm most definitely gay' a voice in my mind keeps going 'but are you, though?' and it's getting annoying. It also begs the question as to why I keep thinking I'm gay if I'm not or that I'm not if I am. Do I subconsciously want to be gay for some reason? To prove that  I don't need men (this is going to need an extra point, so be prepared ;) )?  Or am I subconsciously homophobic and the voice is some kind of locked up bigoted part of me that comes to light every now and again?

#4: I'm not technically repulsed by men's bodies, some even look good with beards and glasses or something, which is why I've also considered that I might be bi. But here's the problem: Something about men flirting with me, or calling women nicknames or even the concept of a man being in a relationship with me sparks a very violent reaction in me that has me kicking and screaming inside (like the nickname 'baby', i cannot tell you how repulsed I am when men call women baby). Also my grandma keeps telling me that when I marry (and yes she means when and to a man) everything will be different or I read an article with the title 'I'm sorry but women are dependent on men' for uni that basically had the main thesis of 'woman are genetically predisposed to rely on men' and everything in me just screamed 'you just watch me, if I have to be alone for the rest of my life to prove you wrong then so be it'. So I wonder if my thinking I don't like men is a result of my overall stubborness or a fact.



So yeah I come close to saying 'okay yeah, this is me, I'm a lesbian' all the time but I also keep doubting that assessment every time I get close to it. And it's just so frustrating and people keep telling me that it doesn't matter if I know yet but it's a pretty important part of myself that I feel like I don't know anything about and this sends me into an identity crisis every couple of days.

I'm not even sure what I want you guys to say to me, I guess I just needed to put all of that out there to someone. If you've read through all of that thank you :D

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A lot of this is very familiar to me, other than I find that a lot of fictional hetero couples bug me haha. I really don't think your preference in that area defines your orientation, though; people watch porn that doesn't fit with with their sexuality, they fantasise about things that they'd never actually want to do, etc. Heterosexual relationships are the most prominent in our society; unless someone is repulsed by the concept, there's nothing about being a lesbian that makes you unable to enjoy stories with straight couples.


Anyways. I'm super duper gay haha. I've second-guessed myself so many times and used to identify as bi. Telling certain people close to me scares the bejeezus out of me; that's pretty normal, you're sharing something extremely personal and integral to your identity, and thus putting yourself in a vulnerable position. And I definitely find some guys quite attractive; there's no reason I can't or shouldn't. BUT. I've had relationships (not many at all haha, but still) with both sexes. I'm actually entirely capable of crushes on guys, but the follow-through... nope nope nope. Romance and sex in a committed relationship with a man are not my thing. I ended up feeling extreme repulsion surrounding sex, and used to have to drink in order to go through with it, and afterwards I would get really withdrawn and sometimes engage in self-harm. I felt disgusted with myself. Romantic interaction, like being sweet and loving and all that, just made me want to roll my eyes and mostly think "Ick!". I had to stop trying all that stuff eventually, it was just too uncomfortable and upsetting. Whereas anything of that nature with a female partner... you might as well be talking about an entirely different concept. I get it now; romance, sex, all of that... why people think it's such a great thing... I understand. There's no more internal conflict.


Anyways. People are right, there's no urgency in labelling yourself, but I do understand wanting to feel secure in who you are. It can be stressful not knowing what's true about yourself. Try not to get too obsessive about it, however I'd definitely say that there's nothing you've mentioned that writes off the possibility you're gay.

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I always identified as bi and yet I get that same voice of 'but ARE you though?'. Talking to the women in my poly group that are lgbt all said the same thing. I think it's internalised societal voices as opposed to our own that make us doubt ourselves on this front. I've been in a short romantic relationship with a lady and STILL had the same doubts, because I didn't want to have sex with her (unsurprising for an asexual ahaha but even so it made/makes me doubt). so frustrating.


All i know for sure is I still want a special female in my life to form a couple with me. Even though it might be a lot to ask to find another asexual polyamorous woman that I connect well with, I don't know. sigh. But this longing is what keeps me as identifying as a wlw, well that and when I was in love with my female best friend at school, and the relationship I had, and the bajillion female crushes.


Let's fight the doubt together :P fuck society and its expectations of us!

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