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Finding Normal


clth

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I've been kicking around the idea that I might be asexual for a long time now, but today it seemed pressing to actually do some investigation and I came across this board.

 

It started with an errant thought when I was trying to sleep last night. I could not remember what year it was that I'd last been in a relationship of some kind. That lead me to do the math and I absolutely cringed when I realized how many years had gone by since I'd been in a sexual relationship. I've been single, resolutely single, for 13 years. I was working up to a good fit of the "sads" when I realized I wasn't actually upset at all. I was more upset that I wasn't upset, if that makes sense. I was sad I wasn't "normal". This is the cycle that prompts me to sporadically put up a profile on a dating website, answer a bunch of annoying replies, get frustrated and take it down before going on a date. Can't be bothered.

 

Well, I'm sick of it.

 

I've been single long enough now that my friends have stopped foisting tips on how to get a date on me and started validating that it's OK I don't want to be in a relationship. I'm grateful for that. If I interrogate myself closely, I can be honest and say I'm baffled by people who "notice" an attractive person. Months can go by before I realize I'm again not "looking" at the people in vicinity. I'll start casually inspecting strangers and asking myself "am I attracted to him?" It's like I'm running a scientific experiment on myself. Maybe next time, right? The idea of dating exhausts me, because I do not find it fun in any way. I'm "meh" about sex in real life. I certainly am not sexually attracted to anyone. I like the fact that I don't have to sleep with another person in my bed any more. I don't miss sex at all.

 

However, I have a wrinkle - maybe TMI? I have endometriosis and, when I was in a sexual relationship, sex was work. It often hurt and had to be carefully negotiated. I wonder if this has coloured/influence my relationship to my sexuality? I can remember in  my teens and early 20s being so in love with this guy - the only time in my life. But, so too do I remember sex not being my driving motivation. I never "had to have it".

 

So, that's a long introduction to my presence on these boards and perhaps too much information to ask this question: does anyone else have a sexual dysfunction that they are willing to discuss how it has affected their perception of themselves as asexual? I'm identifying with a lot that I read on this forum, but I don't quite know where to place "me". I want to stop agonizing and just "be".

 

 

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NickyTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't think I have any sexual dysfunction, but then I've never had sex.
I haven't even been in a relationship.
I figured out that I was Asexual in my early teens though, so maybe my story would be more similar to yours if I hadn't.
 
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EngineeRaven

Hi, welcome to AVEN! :)

 

I kind of understand the "inspecting people and checking for attraction" part. I do that sometimes, with the same results.

Hope you find your answers here! :cake:

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Hi welcome to aven! I get the whole I am not upset because I am not in a relationship but I am upset that I am not upset about it thing lol. It feels like it's something your supposed to want cause most people want it, but just naturally you don't. I also every now and then notice when I am in public how little I notice people as sexually attractive. I have never had a sexual dysfunction so I can't give you any advice there, but hopefully someone else will. Welcome to aven! :cake::cake:

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Welcome! I hope you enjoy your time here and may it be insightful!

 

Regards,

Rosendust

(AKA Nova)

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  • 3 weeks later...
Skycaptain

@mzmolly65, there are multiple forms of attraction, such as romantic, sapphic, aesthetic, sexual et al. Just because you are attracted to, and want to form relationships doesn't confirm or exclude sexuality or asexuality, grey etc. There are many couples who identify as asexual here, but experience a non-sexual form of attraction to each other which has created a bond between them 

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