How to respond to, "How do you know you're asexual?"

[HuntressWizard]

Honestly, I when I try to explain it to my straight friends, they don’t listen so I don’t try to explain it. It’s enough for them to know I’m not attracted to anyone (some of them were scared I’m interested in them)

When I tried explaining it to some of my lgbt friends, I got two responses. One was a disinterest hinting that they didn’t believe such a thing was possible. And the other was (also) disinterest, hinting that they are uncomfortable talking about it.

I’ve never had another person explain to me any sort of hint of asexuality before.

Most people prefer to avoid the topic, because they are more comfortable talking to me either about attraction to boys or girls (depending on THEIR sexuality).

[Koning]

38 minutes ago, HuntressWizard said:

One was a disinterest hinting that they didn’t believe such a thing was possible

Do you think this disinterest has something to do with them thinking you're trying to "fit in" with them?
That they think you're a regular cis hetero girl who tries "to act special"?

[Guest]

To answer the two questions from the original poster -

 

How do you know you are asexual?

 

Everyone will learn the answer a different way and time. Although, the environment may make it difficult if you are unlucky. You may know quickly and easily or you may be old and still unsure.

 

What does asexual mean to you?

 

Personally, I prefer to use the term to mean somebody that does not participate in sex in any form (including masturbation). However, I see on the Internet that people use attraction as the primary factor to the meaning. Obviously, I am too old to keep up with you young people and all the new orientations and meanings (^u^). (No offense intended, do not take it too seriously). Honestly, I do not understand the idea of the attraction delimiter. From my perspective (or old mental firmware), whether orgasm is achieved with another person, your hand, a pillow, or the neighbor man's dog (or we hope not), the mental imagery and desires is what I think is what is relevant.

[Karret]

Since I've never had sex, my personal go to is like...

Before I ever started driving [which I still haven't done a lot and never on my own because I don't have a license], I thought about it, I wanted to do it - yeah there are scary things about driving, but I still WANTED to do it... when I thought about the fact that I don't know how to drive, it depressed me... I longed for it without having done it.

I've never felt this way about sex. I don't long for it, I don't feel sad that I don't have sex... The urge for it just isn't there.

So basically, I've got experience with not having done something, but desperately wanting to do it, even with the dangers and risks involved, and I don't have that feeling towards having sex. In fact, it's kind of the opposite - I'm rather grossed out by the idea.

[Marrrija]

On 3/22/2020 at 6:40 AM, Synephrine said:

How do you know you are asexual?

Everyone will learn the answer a different way and time.

This said, let me give the other step a go. So: "How do you know you're asexual?"

Every situation may feel like starting over. Every person has their own reaction, and sometimes it may feel like "here we go again".

 

Over here, it's not the matter of sexuality. It's the matter of marriage.

-You are getting OLD, when are you settling down?

-When's the last time you had boyfriend/girlfriend?

-You look stressed, you need a man in your life.

-Don't you just want one of these? *shoves child into arms*

-I have a friend who's brother who's also a little shy *attempted match-making for a person who's NOT SHY*

ALL THESE are what it sound like; the failure to comprehend "asexuality", since that does not exist over here. It's unheard of. Un-imaginable.

..and then it all comes to:

-You need someone to spend time with, to be around, to help you and be with you. (my mother)

YES!

And I'd hop on that train.. as long as it's not:

a) sexual or overly physical

b) traditional marriage

 

To put it shortly, this is a place where you can't say you're asexual.. but you CAN *shrug shoulders* say IT'S YOUR LIFESTYLE. 

So: it's my lifestyle.

And people tend to accept it. (Little do they know how many things hide underneath "lifestyle").

 

My friends know.

Well, being this old and not having sex is kind of obvious. To them, I'm ME. Just ME. No one asked me, but they are respectful, and they even explain the jokes to me.

[DreamDeeply]

Thank you for this, I plan on discussing this with my immediate family soon and i will definitely pull on the resources laid down here, whilst I know they will be accepting I don't think they will have a very good grasp of what I tell them but I am more than prepared to have several discussion with them about it.

[AmusedSkeptic]

My dad asked how I knew I was ace when I came out to him. He didn’t mean it in an ignorant way, he just didn’t want to admit he didn’t know what asexuality was. It was his way of asking “what does that mean”? So yeah sometimes people ask bc they are ignorant and can’t comprehend not wanting sex and others ask it bc they’re too proud to admit they don’t know what it is and want some sort of definition.

[RoBoZaKi]

1st time: *turns towards uncle* Me: "Hey, I think - no - I'm asexual. It means that I'm not interested in having sex with my partner" (No one took me seriously)

3rd or 4th time: *tells entire family* Them: "How do you know it's not your trauma? You just haven't dated. You haven't met the right guy. You just need to put yourself out there. How do you know you don't want sex if you haven't done it yet?" 

 

What I Do Now: "Asexual means I've become an organism that makes more of itself without exchanging genetic information with another organism through sex. Like a plant. I'm a plant, Billy. Actually, I'm your bedroom fern and I know what you did last summer"

Edited May 29, 2020 by RoBoZaKi
hadn't finished

[Low End Things]

I tell them that's my experience, and if it's pushed I ask them how they can deny my experience if they can't experience it themselves. I don't usually bother trying to explain being ace though. If anything, I tell someone I'm not interested in anyone. It's much more clear and easier for those who don't know about asexuality to understand.

[Asexy in Miami]

I think I’m considered asexual, because I no longer desire/want sex. I’m a male and I find women attractive,  though. So..I don’t know if there’s a more specific classification. 

[WrenIsNotMyRealName!!]

1 hour ago, Mystery411 said:

I think I’m considered asexual, because I no longer desire/want sex. I’m a male and I find women attractive,  though. So..I don’t know if there’s a more specific classification. 

Sounds like you're just ace but not aromantic. That is, unless you still find women sexually attractive but just don't want to actually have sex with them. That's another thing I don't know enough about.

[Marrrija]

On 5/29/2020 at 9:08 AM, RoBoZaKi said:

What I Do Now: "Asexual means I've become an organism that makes more of itself without exchanging genetic information with another organism through sex. Like a plant. I'm a plant, Billy. Actually, I'm your bedroom fern and I know what you did last summer"

You know... I just might use that one. Haven't been called a house plant yet. :D

[Guest]

Maybe ask them how do you know if you're straight/gay/etc... and maybe also tell them your experience and how you found it out

Edited June 22, 2020 by Guest

[Pheonix07]

Hi,

 

I am new to this site, I've previously been terming myself as Bi as I can find men and women attractive, but I also have no desire to have to have sex, I am 26 and I have had one attempt at dating and we never kissed or held hands or had sex. I have also never kissed anyone romantically before or had crushes. So I am pretty certain I am Ace? 

Edited June 25, 2020 by Pheonix07

[WeeCookie]

Hi, 

I’m new to this site also, I’m curious and confused. I’ve been asked by two of my pals if I’m asexual and I honestly don’t know. I had to google what asexual was because I’d never heard of it and now I’m wondering if I am. I find both men and women attractive and have had a few relationships but nothing ever serious because I don’t feel any need for sex or any other form of sexual pleasure. I don’t maturbate or feel aroused. I actually thought there was something wrong with me until my best friend mentioned it to me. Any advise would be appreciated because I am so confused right now.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, WeeCookie said:

Hi, 

I’m new to this site also, I’m curious and confused. I’ve been asked by two of my pals if I’m asexual and I honestly don’t know. I had to google what asexual was because I’d never heard of it and now I’m wondering if I am. I find both men and women attractive and have had a few relationships but nothing ever serious because I don’t feel any need for sex or any other form of sexual pleasure. I don’t maturbate or feel aroused. I actually thought there was something wrong with me until my best friend mentioned it to me. Any advise would be appreciated because I am so confused right now.

hi, first of all, welcome!! there's nothing to worry about! i know this stage is pretty confusing, but you'll get through it! you can put a label on it if you want because it is up to you! 

here's some welcoming cake 

[WeeCookie]

3 hours ago, teayah said:

hi, first of all, welcome!! there's nothing to worry about! i know this stage is pretty confusing, but you'll get through it! you can put a label on it if you want because it is up to you! 

here's some welcoming cake 

Hi, thank you so much. I suffer with Anxiety so worrying is second nature to me. I don’t even realise I’m doing it half the time. I don’t really care for labels, I don’t like labelling people so I don’t really label myself.

[auntjessie]

The most common response I get when I tell people I'm asexual is, "What does that mean?" My go to answer is that I don't feel sexual attraction. Sometimes even that response leads to perplexed stares. I always make sure to tell them I can appreciate good looking people and often point them out when I do, which confuses them. I, too, sometimes, think I'm not asexual when I say a person is "hot or sexy." But then I think to myself, "Would I want to have sex with them?" And the answer is always no.

 

It really is tough to explain because asexuality is not a one size fits all. In my research and what I feel and believe is different from other conversations I've had on these forums. I think the most important thing is to keep educating when we can. 

 

One thing I know for sure is that the conversations that take place here are important. Not only can we find kindred souls but we can learn and therefore share the new knowledge we gain with our loved ones. That's what I appreciate most about this site.

[K_Kurt]

Hey if i'm still regularly very horny and could see scenarios where that resulted in me having sex impulsively despite not really wanting to would I still be asexual?

[FaerieFate]

On 7/29/2020 at 6:39 AM, K_Kurt said:

Hey if i'm still regularly very horny and could see scenarios where that resulted in me having sex impulsively despite not really wanting to would I still be asexual?

Yes. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. You can have a high libido and not be sexually attracted to anyone. 

[Sisky]

I would strongly suggest only having that in-depth talk with people who are willing to understand and generally respect you, otherwise it turns into an exhausting exercise in "proving" your validity to someone based on their idea of what is acceptable and giving them free reign over moving the goalposts wherever they want.

[Kitty_Ace]

On 12/29/2018 at 10:21 AM, BunnyBuns said:

I came to this forum because I'm very much confused about what is wrong with me or if there is anything wrong with me at all. I suppose I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I assume there is something wrong with me. I know I'm not gay, bi or anything else. I see people without desire. The human body is.... simply scientific and biological in my eyes. I admire traits in others and I lean towards men that are interesting. I enjoy characters, intellect, uniqueness, someone with real substance. 

 

I'm finding that at 32, I've spent most of my life pretending. The feeling is equivalent to being dead inside regarding sex. It doesn't offend me, it doesn't motivate me... I have sex with men that I really like because having sex with men just to experiment wasn't working for me morally. It left me feeling ugly. A part of me wants to say this is depression or I haven't found the right person yet. I wasn't sexually abused and perhaps this could be a hormone imbalance? I relied on alcohol for quite sometime until finally quitting. 

 

I'm completely content in living a life of purpose with someone who shares mutual fondness. I'm fueled and motivated by companionship, purpose and hugs. I'm finding it difficult to keep up with my partners sexual appetite and it's not working out. I suppose I should make great efforts in being content with who I am and the right person will accept me.  

 

Very cool to know I'm not alone. 

Love this, this is exactly how I feel as well. Took me 30 years to realize. What you say about pretending and relying on alcohol really hits home for me. Glad you're here!

[ktall]

On 6/22/2020 at 10:32 AM, teayah said:

Maybe ask them how do you know if you're straight/gay/etc... and maybe also tell them your experience and how you found it out

This is fun to do. All of a sudden their brains can't process it and you see the smoke coming from the stopped gears in their heads

[AceXPGrace]

I always describe me discovering and confirming my asexuality as if I were a colour blind adult who never knew the colours they were missing until someone started to describe the world differently then they experience it. I too have something missing, which happens to be sexual attraction, and I was exposed to the truth of my situation vs others based on society constantly describing a reality I didn't experience.

[Sylvestra]

I feel that I am very colorblind and now once in decades I have found a painting with such vivid red and green colors that I noticed them and loved them.

 

Which of course means that I do not belong anywhere and keep shutting up in most circumstances about my experience.

[the great acescape]

My mom asked me that either early this year or late last year and I just said, exasperated, "how do you know you're straight?"

 

She said "I just know. I married your dad, didn't I?" 

 

And I said "you just know? That's pretty weak. Maybe you haven't found the right woman yet. It's not too late!"

 

Honestly she could have responded in any number of  ways that would have immediately called into question that line of reasoning, but fortunately for me she didn't!

[NewStart]

Would like feedback on this.  I have recently had the ACE lightbulb go off.  I am 53, getting ready to get my 4th divorce.  I am almost sure I am ACE, despite my life up to this point.  I lost my virginity at 16.  Friends of mine were talking about it, so I was curious.  The guy I lost my virginity with was not a boyfriend, he was just someone who was there at the time to “get it over with”.  I remember thinking the next day, well I’m no longer a virgin.  I did not  think it was a huge deal or enjoy the experience.  My Dad left when I was around five, and I kinda grew up thinking I’m not good enough and no man would ever want me.  I thought the only way that I could get a man and approval from them was through sex because I didn’t think I was good enough or have anything else to offer.  Every marriage I got into, I would do quickly.  I would have sex before then, and as soon as I got married, my interest would immediately go away.  In one marriage we were on our Honeymoon and we could here the people in the next room having sex, but I said I was too tired and we did not.  I avoided sex in all my marriages, my current one, soon to end, same thing.   I have tried to make up my lack of interest in sex in other ways.  I think I am a very caring, compassionate person with a lot of love to give.  I have tried to make the house we live in, clean, organized and comfortable.  If I cook something that he enjoys, I consider that a great success.  He is not ACE, so that is the primary, but not only reason we are getting a divorce.  The same could be said of two others, there was one that he was physically and emotionally abusive, plus he cheated and brought home an STD to me.  I guess my question is after all this is am I really ACE?  I can say that I don’t care at all if I ever have sex again, in fact it’s a relief to think I don’t have to ever again.  Most of the time I think, yeah, I’m ACE and it actually comforts me.  What does make me sad is that I may never have another loving relationship again.  I like men, I like to care for them and I like non-sexual affection, both giving and receiving.  I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.  If you read all the way through this, thank you for reading and I would welcome any thoughts you may have.

[Kate66]

I didn't come out as ace until I was 40(last year) after reading this website and many others I finally realized that that's who I was. I simply feel no need for sexual relations. I do feel the need for companionship and am married. My wife is sexual so we eventually worked out a system for that situation. Looking back it seems so obvious that I was asexual but I couldn't see it. Realizing that I am asexual actually took a lot of anxiety out of my life. 

[immarie]

I actually don't know, it's just a feeling, I just know

[Ann Drew]

I know it can be difficult for people to understand that beauty for me is a visual thing, and not a physical one. That is, until I show them the pictures I paint. They make many remarks about how beautiful they are. Then I make the point that they don't want to take one of my paintings to bed, now do they?