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FaerieFate

How to respond to, "How do you know you're asexual?"

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GoneForGood
17 minutes ago, FaerieFate said:

And this is the moment when I realize the full color-blind analogy is on my other thread. You should read it and let me know if it's respectful. I hope it's respectful because I really tried to take in the experiences if blind people compiled with years of trying to understand color blind people ever since I heard of the term when I created the analogy. 

I have tried the search and there are so many mentions of colorblind that I cannot find the other thread you are referring to, could you point it out?

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FaerieFate
On 1/4/2019 at 10:57 PM, MakeLoveNotWar said:

I have tried the search and there are so many mentions of colorblind that I cannot find the other thread you are referring to, could you point it out?

That awkward moment when I realize it's not even in the thread I was referring to.  I linked to it from that thread. Ignore my dumb-moment. 

 

 

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Acebaby

Been asked this question all the time and I just reply saying “well I know myself well and I know that I am. I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone and never have”💅🏾

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MichaelTannock

@Acebaby Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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James121

Because you don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone, ever. If you have felt any sexual attraction to anyone, you are not asexual.

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James121
Just now, EasternMagic said:

But what is sexual attraction? Is it wanting to have sex with someone? Is it feeling aroused looking at someone? Is it fantasizing about the person?

Sexual attraction is when you see someone for the first time or the ten millionth time and you think, I’d like to have sex with that person. That’s what I consider sexual attraction to be.

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Sally

Instead of sexual attraction, it's easier to think of asexuality this way:  Not wanting to have sex with any other person, ever.  

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Member131995

Okay so my favorite way to answer this: I don't like sex, never have, never will. At this point, I've experienced it once but...under non consensual circumstances. I still maintain, I have little experience with it but it doesn't matter, I'm not interested. And then if they're like, how do you know? Welp, I don't have much experience getting run over by a car. But it doesn't mean I'm interested in experiencing it.😊 That's the analogy I use, at least.

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Sylvia Odhner

I don't know I'm asexual, so I guess the answer is easy for me. But even if it were as clear to me as it is to most allosexual straight people that they're straight, I still wouldn't feel the need to express or prove any certainty about it, because I never know what the future holds. Sometimes people realize that they're not the orientation they thought they were, upon experiencing attraction to someone of an unexpected gender. 

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FaerieFate
On 3/12/2019 at 9:33 PM, Sylvia Odhner said:

I don't know I'm asexual, so I guess the answer is easy for me. But even if it were as clear to me as it is to most allosexual straight people that they're straight, I still wouldn't feel the need to express or prove any certainty about it, because I never know what the future holds. Sometimes people realize that they're not the orientation they thought they were, upon experiencing attraction to someone of an unexpected gender. 

The point of explaining yourself is the question, "How do you know you're asexual?" is often (in my experience, and based on a lot of stories I've heard a lot of others have had the same experience) a way to invalidate your identity and a method to prove that asexuality doesn't exist.

 

"How do you know your asexual?" is often followed by responses like... (and yes, I've gotten all of these)

 

"Well women aren't into sex as much as men! It's just biology!"

"Well, you haven't tried it, how can you know if you haven't tried it!?"

"I thought I was asexual too! But then the right person came along!"

"Maybe you need to like... see a therapist?"

"You're still young! You're just a late bloomer!"

"I knew someone that said they were asexual, but then it turned out they weren't, so I don't believe in it."

"No one just looks at a person and wants to have sex with them! That's not what sexuality is!"

"Well... don't tell any guy you date! He'll immediately break up with you if he finds out you're asexual!"

 

There probably a lot more I can't remember (It's been a while since I've come out. Coming out is entirely exhausting and not worth it in most cases, in my opinion.) Anyways, back on point. When I come out to someone, it's someone I'm close to. I trust them to be accepting, and really want to raise awareness to these people that I already know are LGBT-positive. Because awareness in supportive people is entirely good. When I come out and someone already knows what it is, it makes me happy, but also, I hope that they, armed with this new-found knowledge, can raise awareness to more people that might benefit from hearing about asexuality or other people that might be asexual and feel broken or are looking for a label.

 

Anyways, I'm hoping that increasing awareness will stop responses like those mentioned above because they're incredibly hurtful even when said with the best intentions. I don't feel the need to "prove myself", but I do feel the need to raise awareness because I can deal with the hurtful comments, not everyone can.

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Sally

If the questioner is a sexual, you can obviously say "How do you know you're sexual?"

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KuraTheChibiCrystalKitty

I would probably reply with something like: 'how does it feel being whatever it is you are?' 

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mango2019

Asexuality is just people who don't know how to have sex am I right? 

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ace-potato
1 minute ago, mango2019 said:

Asexuality is just people who don't know how to have sex am I right? 

u r a living annoyance...

 

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mango2019
Just now, ace-potato said:

u r a living annoyance...

 

I life goal is to annoy you to your grave 

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ace-potato
Just now, mango2019 said:

I life goal is to annoy you to your grave 

I am in my grave

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mango2019
2 minutes ago, ace-potato said:

I am in my grave

oh that's right, you live in the ground

and stop following me around! you creepy potato 

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ace-potato
Just now, mango2019 said:

oh that's right, you live in the ground

and stop following me around! you creepy potato 

it's my life goal to follow u

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acematt

Sex or even the thought of sex is a major turnoff. It is just not there. No desire whatsoever. Many apologies to sexual people. They simply do not understand asexuals. They are from Mars and we are from Venus. Two different planets. 

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Sylvia Odhner
On 3/17/2019 at 4:25 AM, FaerieFate said:

The point of explaining yourself is the question, "How do you know you're asexual?" is often (in my experience, and based on a lot of stories I've heard a lot of others have had the same experience) a way to invalidate your identity and a method to prove that asexuality doesn't exist.

 

"How do you know your asexual?" is often followed by responses like... (and yes, I've gotten all of these)

 

"Well women aren't into sex as much as men! It's just biology!"

"Well, you haven't tried it, how can you know if you haven't tried it!?"

"I thought I was asexual too! But then the right person came along!"

"Maybe you need to like... see a therapist?"

"You're still young! You're just a late bloomer!"

"I knew someone that said they were asexual, but then it turned out they weren't, so I don't believe in it."

"No one just looks at a person and wants to have sex with them! That's not what sexuality is!"

"Well... don't tell any guy you date! He'll immediately break up with you if he finds out you're asexual!"

 

There probably a lot more I can't remember (It's been a while since I've come out. Coming out is entirely exhausting and not worth it in most cases, in my opinion.) Anyways, back on point. When I come out to someone, it's someone I'm close to. I trust them to be accepting, and really want to raise awareness to these people that I already know are LGBT-positive. Because awareness in supportive people is entirely good. When I come out and someone already knows what it is, it makes me happy, but also, I hope that they, armed with this new-found knowledge, can raise awareness to more people that might benefit from hearing about asexuality or other people that might be asexual and feel broken or are looking for a label.

 

Anyways, I'm hoping that increasing awareness will stop responses like those mentioned above because they're incredibly hurtful even when said with the best intentions. I don't feel the need to "prove myself", but I do feel the need to raise awareness because I can deal with the hurtful comments, not everyone can.

I'm all for increasing awareness as well. The question "how do you know you're asexual?" as a confrontational question, sounds to me like a call to prove to someone else that my asexuality is valid. I reject that burden of proof, but after doing so I may go on to engage in further conversations about asexuality if the person seems like they don't understand how it could exist. Like I might say "I don't know I'm asexual. How about you? How do you know you're [insert orientation here]?"

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

If I were asked how I know I'm a sexual my reply would be ' same way you know you're straight/gay/bi/pan'...

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Kaisa

A male friend of mine asked me that and I just shut him up with "How do you know you are not gay? You have never been with a guy have you?"

 

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KeKatCookie

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AnimeGirlA
On 3/18/2019 at 5:58 AM, Sally said:

If the questioner is a sexual, you can obviously say "How do you know you're sexual?"

Hehe I’ve thought of that, if it ever came up. Watching them they to explain it would be hilarious 🤣 

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Paris—

I did not read all the thread in order to be not influenced by the answers. 

 

For my part I have repressed my A side for my 18 until my 30.

Before that I tried to convince myself I was straight. And that was a horrible mistake.

 

I know I am A because all about intimity do not aroused (or arouse ? I am lazy for the researchs  ) in me any desire.  

 

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Audrey03
On 11/12/2018 at 6:01 AM, TheRavenAsterisk said:

You know you're asexual the same way a person knows that they are heterosexual or homosexual. While there may or may not be a clear definition when you realize that you are and you look online or talk to other sexualities, something clicks in your mind and in your heart then you know. Suddenly the world makes sense.

yeah!! sorry to just kind of jump in on this topic, but thats exactly how i felt! when i first came across the term asexual, i didnt really grasp what it meant; but sometimes i would think about it without looking up the definition and start thinking that maybe the label “heterosexual” didnt fit me anymore.

 

a lot of research and stumbling across AVEN later, and i finally feel like i have a name for my feelings. im someone who likes to have a label for EVERYTHING - being unsure of something about myself is a very confusing and draining process - and now that i mostly have myself figured out im a lot happier ☺️

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Audrey03
On 11/17/2018 at 10:44 AM, Goth_Unicorn said:

Tbh one day my best friend mentioned it and said I could possibly be one and then it clicked to me. After research I found enough info and everything I found applied to me. I kept thinking about it and the more I did the more it started making sense. 

saaaaaammmmeeee!! 

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Christmace_liv

It took me a while to figure out what sexuality I am but when it was starting to make me insecure so I did an online NHS sexuality test and I found out I’m asexual but mainly you can tell if you’re just not attracted to anyone or you’re only very rarely attracted to someone no matter what sexuality they are. The part that confuses me is if you can be an asexual lesbian because I think I am.

I hope this helps

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Nowhere Girl

How about the OP - or perhaps other people - goes back to writing these formal example replies? I feel that the topic hasn't been exhausted yet. particularly given the extra possible questions brought up:

On 3/17/2019 at 9:25 AM, FaerieFate said:

"Well women aren't into sex as much as men! It's just biology!"

"Well, you haven't tried it, how can you know if you haven't tried it!?"

"I thought I was asexual too! But then the right person came along!"

"Maybe you need to like... see a therapist?"

"You're still young! You're just a late bloomer!"

"I knew someone that said they were asexual, but then it turned out they weren't, so I don't believe in it."

"No one just looks at a person and wants to have sex with them! That's not what sexuality is!"

"Well... don't tell any guy you date! He'll immediately break up with you if he finds out you're asexual!" 

Some don't apply to me (for example, I'm not so young anymore... by the way, Swankivy, when she turned 40, wrote ironically about how <20 asexuals are dismissed as "You're just a late bloomer!" and >40 asexuals as "It's normal to no longer be interested in sex at that age!"... so, altogether, pretty much anything can be used to invalidate asexuality and avoid having to acknowledge it). But I'm certainly vulnerable to question 2 as a person who has never had sex, and also to question 4 as someone who vehemently refuses any attempts at "treatment" - I feel that I just couldn't stand being sex-indifferent.

In fact, I am able to deal with prying questions, I'm just fairly assertive... But it's not like this kind of questions doesn't hurt. In fact, the original answers aren't always helpful to me - for example, it's not like "no one turns me on", I simply don't want to have sex with anyone, regardless of any arousal. I'm just highly sex-averse and arousal is way too little to make me desire sex... in fact, I simply can't imagine any circumstances which could make me consent to sex. No reason to do it, no reason to torture myself.

I'm als very vulnerable to another kind of invalidation - the "You just couldn't get laid anyway!" rhetoric. I am physically unattractive and, among us: yes, my unattractiveness and resultng nudity aversion have a lot to do with my effective asexuality. And yet I'm grateful for being able to realise that nobody has to have sex. I'm grateful for having been relieved from compulsory sexuality. I'm convinced that I simply wouldn't want to want sex, I would reject such an option without hesitation if I had a choice.

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Nashy-Slashy

My response, honestly?

 

”I’ve tried love and sex; it felt like I was betraying my true self and lying to the other person. It’s easy to say that I just haven’t found the right person yet, but I know that’s not true. I don’t WANT to find the right person. I’m perfectly fine just having a close friendship with someone I can trust and laugh with.”

 

If that doesn’t work, then I just tell them I reproduce by budding. 🤷‍♀️

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