How to respond to, "How do you know you're asexual?"

[Arson]

I like dragons and purple.

[leonsk]

Hi, i am writing because i am very confused as to if i am asexual or not. Let me explain why, and if you have felt the same as I. Or have any advice. Please let me know. 

 

So im a 20 year old woman and i am a virgen. I have never had sex or kissed anyone.  And i had always said, and thought it was because i have never liked anyone enough for me to want to do that. But i have wished I had. I wished to find the "right person". But then I met someone and I though "Maybe i want our lips to touch". But then i tought about sex. And i thought "oh, I dont want that with them". Maybe I don't want that with anyone. 

And I don't know if that is right. Because how can I know I dont want it if i have never tried it. It's like when you say you dont like certain food but you have never tried it. 

So maybe i need to have sex, in order to know if its someone i like. 

All my friends like it. And i love romantic movies and those kinds of stuff. Id like to be in a romatic movie but without the sex part... 

Or maybe with the sex part, i don't know. How good can sex be?. I guess it has to be good if society likes it that much. Right? 

So yea, thats what concerns me. 

[leonsk]

On 5/23/2021 at 10:27 PM, skal said:

with some friends playing never have I ever while camping this weekend...

obviously its get sexual eventually, and I could not have cared less.

felt pretty ace in a way

The same thing happened to me recently. You just sit there like a saint and wonder whats wromg with you

[Miko134]

I just say "I'm not interested in sex" before even using the word asexual. Sure you get a bunch of people telling you they know better, but I just ignore them and move on. Not my place to change their minds, I got other stuff to do.

 

[kashfy]

Well..I, myself don't even know why...

What am i going to tell other people?!

[Roti]

I have been sexually active the majority of my life. As a child I experienced CSA for several years at the hands of children same age or vastly older than myself. As an adult I have become a long term relationship type of person. I have pretty much dated back to back in relationships and situationships since 2007- 2021, leaving very little time in between each relationship if any at all. 
 

I am now newly 27 (Pisces, lol) and I have recently exited a 5 year relationship last fall (2021). Since the exit of this relationship, I have for the first time in my life experienced absolutely no desire to engage with romanticism, sex or relationships at all. I have no desire to engage at all with people who are attracted to me, or with people who I might find to be themselves attractive. I am repulsed in public now when people stare at me or hit on me. I become visibly and viscerally afraid of anyone even coming too close to me. I have come to the conclusion that I am now transitioning into a lifestyle where my feelings around my sexuality are much more aligned with asexuality and aromanticism.
 

Sometimes I’m not sure if I can even claim these identities given the fact that my feelings are clearly bred from past relationship traumas. I don’t want to make it seem like I only feel these ways because I’m traumatized, but in a sense this is my personal story. I am wondering if other ACE people began their journeys in similar or mirrored ways, like it was bred from trauma but blossomed into something meaningful, healthy and safe overtime. I worry that my experiences will offend those who have always felt asexual and/or aromantic. Additionally, I worry if I’m really apart of the community or am I just healing from past shit, despite the fact that my feelings now mirror ACE descriptions I’ve read online. 
 

Coming from a reality where I don’t have a real family (one parent one pet) and few real friends (plethora of acquaintances), romantic relationships over the years have provided me real support in filling this void, as well as hope that one day I can truly feel belonging long term within a loving “group.” Now I’m afraid that may be one of the only real reasons I dated for so long. I have always found that I didn’t really like the people I dated, and always found myself complaining within my relationships much more than other people I knew. 
 

As it stands today it’s been months without feeling any sexual or romantic feelings, and I can’t lie I feel the best and most secure I’ve felt in forever. My only fear is loneliness on this journey. I’ve already felt lonely even in the short ACE journey of mine, and I hope that I can wear all of the hats in my life for myself, as partner, friend, and relative. 
 

hoping to hear from ACE community that may be a little farther in their journey and can offer advice and support as I am still adjusting to this change in my sexuality and my lifestyle for the first time. I won’t lie and say I’m not nervous, but I’m hopeful for the future. 
 

welcome to any and all responses that this post may elicit, even negative! Life is all about balance. 
 

-roti

[__rustic_frost__]

how do one know they are straight or anything..well first of all its not necessary to put a label on your sexuality its on one self if they want it or not..if anyone asks this its like asking do you know its a tree it can be animal as well.. no one comes out suddenly and says i m gay bi or asexual or a part of lgbtqa+ we know becoz we denied it a thousand time before accepting the fact that we are who we are!!!1 

[TinyAlice]

For me asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction to anyone.

 

SO I don't feel anyone is sexy, but I also know that allo people don't feel sexual attraction to everyone else either.

 

Their sexual attraction is selective. So when Im asked how I know Im asexual, I ask them "how do you know when a person isn't sexy?" How would you feel to be forced into a relationship with a gender or person you have zero sexual attraction to?"

 

Allos will state very strongly when someone is NOT attractive or not sexy to them. I describe my asexuality and NOT feeling sexually attracted to anyone else is that strong for me. 

 

I'm not sex repulsed, but I am repulsed by the thought of being forced into sex.

 

Would an allo person want to be forced into a sexual relationship with a fence, a rock or lamp post? No? Because that's how I feel about sex, full stop.

 

That's pretty easy to understand.

[Lilibulero]

If someone asked me how I know I'm asexual I'd probably counter it with the question ' how do you know you're heterosexual/ homosexual/ bisexual/ pansexual' ( depending on the orientation of the person asking).

[Lord Revan]

Just reply with 'how do you now you're strait?'

[Elizabeth Bennet]

I'd probably go with "How do you know you are not?"

[Idrk]

I honestly have no clue. I had even considered it until one of my friends started wondering they were. Because I've always found the whole concept of sex disgusting - but I never thought of me being ace. So idk whether it is that I am ace or I'm just too young. But everyone else my age seems to get kinda turned on one of them has already lost her virginity.

[sturnusvulgaris90]

I don't argue the point anymore. If they don't believe me, that's their problem. As far as I'm concerned, being ace is pretty self-evident. I'm in my 30s, no sexual attraction for others and never have....if it was a phase it'd be over by now lol 

[illumi]

idk just say that you feel little to no sexual attraction or something i thought it was simple

[madgrel07]

i would recommend keeping it short and sweet! maybe something along the lines of “how do you know you’re not attracted to (x gender)” if they’re exclusively straight or gay, while if theyre bi/pan/omni/etc, try with “how do you know you’re ____”

[50_Shades_of_Greysexual]

This is a very handy guide, thank you! I have given up trying to defend my sexual orientation to my boyfriend; I honestly don't know how to respond to his comments anymore. I think he feels threatened by the label because he's hypersexual and doesn't want to think we're not sexually compatible. His go-to response is "logic" (i.e. "you can't be grey-ace because [misconception]"). There's no sense in arguing with him, it's exhausting. If he doesn't believe me, then that's on him. I know who I am, and that's what matters.

[AllegedEMT]

I haven’t told anyone about my sexuality yet but if I would I think I would explain it like this:

 

Me: ”Do you like pizza?”

 

Them: “Yes” (presumably)

 

Me: “Do you feel sexually attracted to it?”

 

Them: “…no”.

[llcs]

Oh, I just know. I love my solitude, my lonely walks, and no physical contact. I'm very romantic, and I like flirting other guys, but touching, kissing, going further... it's a complete no to me. 

[Autumnal Nights]

I know I am asexual because I don't desire to have sex with anyone. I can find someone attractive without having sexual feelings for them. The thought of sex leaves me cold at best, uncomfortable at worst. I have no interest in porn or sexual imagery, sex scenes make me cringe. I find genitalia unappealing be it on males or females. When I hear people saying that they haven't had sex in so long I don't see it as a big deal. I don't feel like I am missing out by not having it. 

[Avraam]

I think you can born as an asexual,you can't choose it.  you just feel it and you can't define how does it feel.

[croonable]

I don't think I ever going to come out to friends or family to be honest. 

The Ace Talk is too much for me. 

But I will keep this guide in mind one day thought. 

Thanks for this guide. 👍

[GingerRose]

Because you are not , I had to balance the tides.

[danisp]

On 6/24/2022 at 12:28 PM, Elizabeth Bennet said:

I'd probably go with "How do you know you are not?"

That's a good one.

 

I've been very open with friends and family about my asexuality. And yesterday I was out with some girlfriends, and I brought it up in conversation when discussing one of their partners. I explained what asexuality was with some generalisations. Little to no inclination towards sex, unlikely to instigate it if in a relationship, not sexually attracted to anyone etc.

 

After that I was asked if I still identify as asexual, and I shrugged. I told her I am what I am. I know it's difficult for them to really understand because I feel the same way about them in reverse. And there was some seriously graphic discussions the other way. *shudders*

 

Though, they do have a stereotype that all ace people are single. Which is not unfounded when they only have me as a comparison. There's definitely more conversations to be had in the future.

 

On 7/13/2022 at 3:26 PM, sturnusvulgaris90 said:

As far as I'm concerned, being ace is pretty self-evident. I'm in my 30s, no sexual attraction for others and never have....if it was a phase it'd be over by now lol 

Absolutely! There's no on switch.