Do aromantic persons want to fall in love ?

[hystericalblob]

I'm 17 and I have been labelling (even if I don't really like this word) as an aro/ace for 2 years, but I've recently been doubting it. I really long for a romantic relationship, including cuddles and kisses (nothing further, I'm almost 100% positive about being ace), and I would love to fall in love with someone. The thing is that I've never met anyone with whom this would be enjoyable, and I don't think I am even able to experience love. Do aromantics want to fall in love too ? If I want to, does it mean I can fall in love ? Am i really aromantic ? 

[Extroverted Introvert]

There are different kinds of love. Aromantics can certainly feel love and still be aromantic. The difference is the type of love. I would describe myself as aromantic. I don't desire a romantic relationship with someone and I have never been attracted to someone in that way. But I still feel love towards my family and friends. The definition of aromantic is not feeling romantically attracted to someone else. Therefore, if you feel romantically attracted to someone, that wouldn't be technically aromantic.

 

Don't get caught up with labels though. Feel free to use the aro/ace label as long as you think the label fits. If down the road you think that you feel romantically attracted to someone, then you might not be aromantic. It doens't negate how you had felt in the past. Maybe you changed. Maybe you just hadn't met the right person yet. It doesn't really matter. The point of labels is to help you describe how you feel, so use whichever labels you find help you do that.

[hystericalblob]

Thank you for answering ! I should try to find a more appropriate label

I also forgot to say that I have never had any crush, and as I don't know how to edit posts, I'll just write it here

[Yeast]

After well over half a century I'm still unsure exactly what romance is. I didn't think much about it until I joined this forum. Prior to this I always considered it to be some silly fantasy that existed mostly on paper.  The last time I experienced what might be called "love" was when I was 6. I remember sitting next to my mother and suddenly thinking : I love you so much. Of course by the time I was 17 that little pool of love had evaporated into death valley. The only hero I ever worshiped was a cartoon character - Johnny Quest. I've worn his tennis shoes all my life. I had a very long relationship with a sexual partner but sex wasn't part of it. She accepted the fact that all I wanted was friendship. Concerning romance, I believe it is a sort of comfortable familiarity that develops over time. Nobody's perfect but once one gets to know someone their flaws become part of the picture. Your friend simply would not be the same without them. As one ages one finds they start to outlive their friends and such was my situation. I made an effort to find new friends and managed to find another (girl) friend. She's asexual too and when we talk its almost as though we were alone and talking to just ourselves. It makes me think there are two types of romance. People can experience combinations of emotional and intellectual romance. Mine is of the intellectual sort and I get the impression hers is too. Labels are for soup cans but I've been pondering "demisexual" of late. It is defined as a lack of sexual attraction until one gets to know someone really well. Neither of us appears to have any sexual attraction to one another at the moment but I'm left wondering if this could change. Could a pair of rain drops some day become snowflakes? I'm probably twice her age so she will be the one who outlives me this time. Would the snowflake become a raindrop again? I don't know. Maybe some day I will. Rather, she will if she ever thinks about things such as these. I suspect she does. We each appear to have the same brain. Despite all this I don't know if I actually want either of us to freeze. I just let the future happen and live one day at a time. So we shall see what we shall see.

[Galactic Turtle]

I consider myself to be aro ace. Like others have said, there's many types of love, many types of fondness, and many ways to show affection. I have no interest in "falling in love." I don't understand it. I don't understand crushes. I don't understand physical contact as an affectionate or calming thing. I do, however, understand friendship, camaraderie, and teamwork. I'm curious about love as it relates to my friends and their relationships. Of course I want to get a good idea of what they're feeling so that I can be a good friend and say the best things. 

 

You're still young though. No rush to figure things out.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Extroverted Introvert said:

Don't get caught up with labels though. Feel free to use the aro/ace label as long as you think the label fits. If down the road you think that you feel romantically attracted to someone, then you might not be aromantic. It doens't negate how you had felt in the past. Maybe you changed. Maybe you just hadn't met the right person yet. It doesn't really matter. The point of labels is to help you describe how you feel, so use whichever labels you find help you do that.

Well said. 

 

I wouldn't say I want to fall in love (romantically), but I will admit to an intellectual curiosity about it. But as others have said, their are different types of love; love of family, friends, etc.

[Feryn_Hyte]

4 hours ago, hystericalblob said:

I'm 17 and I have been labelling (even if I don't really like this word) as an aro/ace for 2 years, but I've recently been doubting it. I really long for a romantic relationship, including cuddles and kisses (nothing further, I'm almost 100% positive about being ace), and I would love to fall in love with someone. The thing is that I've never met anyone with whom this would be enjoyable, and I don't think I am even able to experience love. Do aromantics want to fall in love too ? If I want to, does it mean I can fall in love ? Am i really aromantic ? 

I really feel your post @hystericalblob, and in complete honesty, I'm in nearly an identical situation to you... I've tried dating before, but it just kinda feels fake and like the other person seems to have some motive that I am just unable to understand.  Even when they are aware I'm ace and totally O.K. with that and respect the way I identify it just  still doesn't feel....      Real...    if that makes any sense.  I would almost describe it as a feeling like an inside joke, or some other secret that I was never let in on. In actuality, I feel far more love towards my best friends ( who I would absolutely die for ) than anything I've felt for anyone I've ever dated. As silly as it sounds this feeling is the primary reason is honestly why I identify primarily as Aro/Ace.  Honestly, my best guess for why this is is that the way in which we experience love is a bit different, not better or worse, just...  different...   Some of my mates describe it as a motherly love on steroids, but I don't really agree.  I tend to think of it rather as the desire to have someone alongside you in this journey through an indifferent world.  Someone with which to share all you have to offer. 

That got deep quick, sorry about that!

 

4 hours ago, Extroverted Introvert said:

Don't get caught up with labels though. Feel free to use the aro/ace label as long as you think the label fits. If down the road you think that you feel romantically attracted to someone, then you might not be aromantic. It doens't negate how you had felt in the past. Maybe you changed. Maybe you just hadn't met the right person yet. It doesn't really matter. The point of labels is to help you describe how you feel, so use whichever labels you find help you do that.

I absolutely second Extroverted Introvert here, it's important to note that sexuality, gender, and the like are all on a spectrum so labels are inherently made to be an umbrella term, I like to think about it like how pugs look almost nothing like wolves, but they are still considered dogs ( Pugs make me smile ). A label is just meant to help give you a sense of belonging and identity, so don't overly worry if you aren't the exemplar of whatever label you use

 

TLDR:

Do aromantics want to fall in love too ?                            Sometimes, it depends on the person

If I want to, does it mean I can fall in love ?                      Absolutely!

Am i really aromantic ?                                                           If you want to be!

 

 

EDIT:

I remembered this helpful chart:

Spoiler

 

[Kitteη χ]

I wouldn't say that the desire you're describing would necessarily make it incorrect to use the label of aromantic. If you've never experienced romantic attraction, then that sounds like aromanticism to me. You might be in a similar situation to an asexual person with a sex drive, where desire doesn't line up with attraction.

 

That being said, it's entirely up to you to decide if aromantic (or somewhere on the aro-spectrum) is the best term to use to describe yourself.

[hystericalblob]

Thank you very much for all your replies ! I'm sorry, I was afk for a few hours

I think I'll try to look a little deeper in the aromantic spectrum

[Guest]

Deleted 

[Orianaro]

If you've never experienced romantic attraction, then aromantic is a perfectly fine label. If you want to fall in love romantically but don't think you're actually capable/have never actually felt the attraction, then you might find cupioromantic to be an apt label. Basically, it's an aromantic who likes romantic things/wants romantic things/still feels connected to or desires them in some way, without the actual attraction (you might want to consul the internet for a better definition).

 

Aromantics can absolutely love! And just because it has "platonic" attached on it does not make it an inferior love at all. I love my QP more than anyone else in the world. I could stretch it so far as to say I am platonically in love, but "in love" has too many romantic connotations to just say that. But that really is what it feels like. An easier explanation might be from my QP's experiences: they are romantic and have been romantically and platonically in love (myself being the latter.) I've asked them what the differences feel like, and they said they really aren't much different, except one has romance involved, and the platonic one felt more secure/free and generally stable (they're also somewhat romance-repulsed which doesn't help, but their explanations made a lot of sense, since romantic love often has a lot of insecurity attached.) So seriously, platonic love at it's best truly is on par with romantic love: it can result in life partners, no problem. And my QP and I do cuddle and hug, though we're still sort of sorting that out since most people don't understand our relationship and I'm weird about touch (when someone I don't like taps me repeatedly on the shoulder, I will go into a silent rage almost instantly and be incapable of thoughts other than "get the f*ck away from me." I'm completely fine with my QP, but I've been known to get really bothered by my family being overbearing, so I think my QP is mostly just being as cautious as possible and likes to give me space.)

 

Society has largely erased the idea of that intensity of platonic love. For most people, it's the casual "I love you" to your random friend, like "oh this person is my best friend! And this person. I love them all!" But it has the possibility of reaching very equivalent levels of romantic love. Less passion, but in my opinion, also a lot more freedom, less insecurity, less dependency and more honesty. Since you're still friends. You're not dressing up to see them or nervously arranging things or worrying about anniversaries. It's a chill, very sincere version. If that seems appealing to you, then you can still totally be aromantic. If anything, being aromantic gives you a unique opportunity to pursue and appreciate that kind of love. Even if it's much harder to find in this romantic & sexually driven society... I think a lot of people stop liking the aromantic label, even though they've never felt romantic attraction, because they feel it conflicts with their desires to have a cuddly, exclusive life partner. Trust me, it doesn't  All the aromantic label means is you aren't romantically attracted to other people. You could still want or like romance. You could still want something with kisses and cuddles that looks the exact same as romance, but without it. Aromantic is not synonymous with a lack of love.

 

I hope that clears things up a bit  I'm a huge defender, especially since my QPR, of the capacity to love that aromantics have and how it is identical to anyone else's, and just as valid a form.

[Muir Caileag]

Ohh absolutely! 

I've never been in an actual relationship, and I hated dating when I tried it. SO much  I have very little desire for a romantic relationship, but that doesn't mean I can't, or don't love! I love my top platonic humans, I love being close with people and I wouldn't have it any other way

[Goonie]

I am okay not being in a romantic relationship. I'm okay being in one. I do not actively seek them out though. There are times where I feel like it would be beneficial and I'd like to "fall in love" again. It's a good chemical dump and has some feel goods. It's tough though to keep it going. What I don't care for is the grand romantic gestures that go with it. I don't want flowers, those will die. If it involves gifts, give me something I can use or have been wanting etc. I know that is not the definition AVEN uses for aromantic, but it's what works for me. I have friends who need to be in relationships because they can't be alone. Most days I'm okay getting my social needs filled through other sources besides romantic relationships.

 

You'll find your way. Thankfully, labels can be removed and new ones put on as easily as clothing.  

[Artsy Anvil]

Like how many people have already stated, aromantics can fall in love. Just (usually) not in a romantic sense. For example, I want to fall in love, but in a platonic/queerplatonic sense. And, it’s perfectly normal and valid for you to want to fall in love too; even if it’s in a romantic way. Everyone is different, and, everyone feels things in different ways. It’s fine to want to fall in love, but, have a little trouble doing so.

[Quentino]

I've also been thinking about this recently. And I came to the conclusion that aromantics also fall in love, but they don't show their feelings like others.

[Rynn]

This thread has not been active for a long time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it.

Laurann,

moderator