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Tomsta

I don't know if i'm Grey-A, busy or just scared

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Tomsta

The past few years i've noticed that my desire for sexual intercourse is decreasing. I'm more than happy to engage in foreplay with the girl (in fact i love it, sometimes i'm even ok with the girl performing foreplay on me) but when it comes to intercourse i have no interest in it i don't 'feel' anything even if the girl happens to be tight due to being a virgin. Plus it takes me a very long time to orgasm, and it's been like that since i first had sex

 

The reason i'm so confused is currently my life is this:

 

Leave at 6:30am for work > get into work at 8:15am > work till 5:30pm > Get home around 7:10pm > Sleep at around 11pm

 

Now i'm fine with this generally, it keeps me busy and i love being busy stops my brain from going 1000mph. However even though i've recently got a girlfriend my desire for sex hasn't changed at all. And as bad as it sounds the only person i feel sexually attracted to is a girl i know whom i did a bit of Snapchat sexting before i got together with my gf (we never met up or anything, it was strictly over snapchat)

 

I have been trying to figure out for months where i lie on the sexuality spectrum (Just so i can get some closure)

 

Should point out that i masturbate and watch porn (i go through phases, sometimes i'll watch porn everyday and other days i can go weeks without it). Also not sure if this factors into it at all but 7 years ago i got deeply hurt by my first love (we were never together and never slept with each other), and i'm wondering whether all my problems are down to this and my brain is just trying to 'trick' me into thinking i'm asexual as that is easier to 'deal with' than the reality of the situation

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Goonie

I'm not sure I have a really good answer for you. Except that I hope the forums and questions help you find the answer you are looking for.

 

Can't speak for feeling anything when it comes to intercourse even with tightness since I'm female. I can tell you there are times on my end it just hurts, or my mind races to various other topics so it's harder to focus on feelings.

 

I understand the life and work part and wanting to be busy so the brain stops racing. It's why I'm in a busy field. It keeps me preoccupied and the haunting type thoughts of what ifs and overthinking away. Personally, I can do the foreplay, but sometimes sex is just a chore. I think it's because of the lack of intimacy with it and sometimes it's just the person I'm with. It's rare for me to see someone and go I need to have sex with them like now just on sight alone. I need more too it. Even if it is only foreplay, though most days it's also connecting on an intellectual level. 

 

Now for the hurt part. I had a first love hurt too and we did sleep with each other. Ended up pregnant and miscarrying very early on in the pregnancy. I can say this hurt, and pain from how it ended and how we just grew in different directions has impacted me. Not so much in a tricking sense to make me think i'm asexual.I actually came out as an asexual, then got away from the toxic people I was with and started talking to a variety of women and realized I do have sexual attraction, but it fluctuates and that most women I knew that was pretty normal. I do hang out with an odd ball group though. The hurt I went through, and the feeling of being burnt (most of his family disowned me even though I was friends with them before "dating", and he took the puppy), changed my views on relationships and has made me gun shy in entering the dating field again. I'm just not into casual sex either. But I do identify as sexual on AVEN. At this point in my life, I've gotten over most labels and just do my own thing.

 

I hope you can find your closure.

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ArcticFoxes

I currently have some sexual attraction towards one person only and they are not my husband or partner (polyamorous here). And it's not always 'on' with them either, more like once every couple months ish or less. I love my husband, but don't experience sexual attraction with him. You have to decide for yourself if you have romantic or sexual (or both, or neither) feelings for your girlfriend.

My libido is generally low anyway but even when it's good I don't really want to have sex with my partners so *shrug*.

 

The reasons for how you feel matter a lot less, being aware of how you feel and being able to communicate that honestly to people around you is more important.

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Tomsta
On 5/15/2018 at 1:08 AM, ArcticFoxes said:

I currently have some sexual attraction towards one person only and they are not my husband or partner (polyamorous here). And it's not always 'on' with them either, more like once every couple months ish or less. I love my husband, but don't experience sexual attraction with him. You have to decide for yourself if you have romantic or sexual (or both, or neither) feelings for your girlfriend.

My libido is generally low anyway but even when it's good I don't really want to have sex with my partners so *shrug*.

 

The reasons for how you feel matter a lot less, being aware of how you feel and being able to communicate that honestly to people around you is more important.

Thing is that i do have sexual feelings towards her but it's only foreplay related, for example today i had this weird fantasy about buying her vibrating underwear (inc a vibrating Bra which i know doesn't exist) and just go out in public and toy with her. But that's as far as the fantasy got

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ArcticFoxes
On 5/17/2018 at 10:30 PM, Tomsta said:

Thing is that i do have sexual feelings towards her but it's only foreplay related, for example today i had this weird fantasy about buying her vibrating underwear (inc a vibrating Bra which i know doesn't exist) and just go out in public and toy with her. But that's as far as the fantasy got

yeah i can relate to that too, there's things i find really hot that i wanna do with people but not sex too. maybe Grey-asexual is a good term for you to investigate. 

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Serran
On 5/17/2018 at 5:30 PM, Tomsta said:

Thing is that i do have sexual feelings towards her but it's only foreplay related, for example today i had this weird fantasy about buying her vibrating underwear (inc a vibrating Bra which i know doesn't exist) and just go out in public and toy with her. But that's as far as the fantasy got

Maybe you just aren't into intercourse? Not everyone is.

 

Also, maybe you have a fetish if that's the kind of stuff you fantasize about?  Might be something you need to incorporate into your sex life if so.

 

Personally, I find oral and PiV really boring and blah. I'd rather play around with toys or hands. 

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