In need of advice..

[Freux]

Hello! This is my first post! Ive been agonizing over a few things for a little while now, and i think ive hit my limit at trying to do research on my own.. 

 

Any thoughts or guidance would be super appreciated. 

 

Not sure how to go about this- but there will be some mentions of BDSM and sexual abuse (but not together). Hopefully not triggering, and i will try not to go into detail. 

 

I have been dating my partner for about 3 months now. We have known each other for a few years.  We actually ended up talking about dating based on (accidentally) finding out we both have interests in fetish/bdsm activities. And they let me know fairly early on that theyve never masturbated or touched anyone sexually. That the only orgasms theyve ever had were unintentional (at night).  I am 29 and they are 22. We discussed sexuality quite a bit early on, when we were deciding to make a go of it. I am a (sexual) sex positive person. They've had no previous experiences to draw from to know how they really feel about it. I have suspicions they might be ace, but unwilling to give it any thought..?  I know its not 'one size fits all' in terms of likes and dislikes in any given sexuality. I asked them if they've ever read up on asexuality (they hadn't/haven't). And seemed more keen on trying then not. 

 

I've been letting them set the pace with what they're comfortable with. Kissing, sexual touching, etc. They even suggested using some elements of bdsm they were interested in as a gateway to becoming comfortable. We've since stopped with that, because its making me feel uncomfortable and like im forcing or coercing them. They've made really great progress at allowing me to see them/touch them. But they still haven't felt comfortable enough to touch me more than once or twice.. And they look away when im changing after sleepovers.  They have no interest in masturbation or porn/pornographic material. 

 

Any time they do let me touch them, i am unsure if they're really enjoying it. Or if they're tolerating it. I've asked. and they've told me its fine, but .. unconvincingly? They only initiate things with intention of doing bdsm scenes or play.

 

I am hyper aware of consent in all of this. I was sexually abused, as a kid. My relationships when i became of age to be making my own decisions on dating and sex were probably skewed because of this..  I would let my other partners do what THEY want whether or not i really wanted to. Or tell myself its ok so long as they loved me. I dont want anyone to feel that. My partner talks of not wanting to disappoint me.. 

 

Im scared theyre forcing themselves to do things theyre not truly comfortable with for my sake.. 

 

 

Im just not sure if im looking for answers in the right direction.. anyone else's experiences or advice would be appreciated.. :s

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Freux Have some cake...

 

You seem to have established an open communication. That is great, keep it up.

23 hours ago, Freux said:

They even suggested using some elements of bdsm they were interested in as a gateway to becoming comfortable. We've since stopped with that, because its making me feel uncomfortable and like im forcing or coercing them.

If your partner suggests that, you should put some trust in them. Keep up the communication to make it clear that they can change their mind at any time. If necessary, intensify communication upfront and during the play, to re-assure yourself that your partner is still in their comfort zone.

 

23 hours ago, Freux said:

But they still haven't felt comfortable enough to touch me more than once or twice.. And they look away when im changing after sleepovers.

Some people prefer giving over receiving. Others prefer receiving over giving. Some call the latter selfish, but I think it's more complicated.

 

23 hours ago, Freux said:

Im scared theyre forcing themselves to do things theyre not truly comfortable with for my sake.

It's good that you're aware of that possibility. But to some degree, you have to trust your partner when they say something. Take things slowly, discuss boundaries frequently and before every encounter, let them know that they can back out. But if they want to try something, let them try. Build trust, both ways.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds all generic. I haven't been in your situation, so I cannot really give specific advice.