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Mary Lambert

Is more common for an Ace to refer to sex in a derogatory fashion?

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James121
3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

You may be fortunate enough not to be bothered by media content pressuring for an “ideal” body but many consumers find it very tiring/upsetting/distressing.

 

Certainly there are plenty of people out there who like to join in on “hating” just because they

can but I certainly haven’t seen anything in the US implying it’s become cool to hate sex (even in the wake of #Me Too, it’s nonconsentual/coerced things people are protesting rather than sex itself).

I don’t think there’s any material that encourages people to think it’s cool to hate sex. Sometimes people simply like to be different or controversial and in some cases I suspect that this accounts for why they say or do things

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James121
6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

James, do you think your wife is not actually ace but is consciously or unconsciously using asexuality as an indisputable excuse to keep from having to engage in the types of sexual activities you think she committed - as part of getting married - to engage in?

 

I keep getting that sense from your posts but don’t want to assume.

No. I once suspected she was ace, I no longer do.

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anisotrophic

There may be a gendered experience here.

 

Because as a female, the message seems omnipresent - the sense that "attracting" sexual desire is a defining feature of *being* (a successful) female. I can't go out to pick up meds, or at the mall, or watch TV shows, without experiencing that crushing message that being sexually attractive (to men) is what women (should) do. And that pursuing it is what men (should) do.

 

I ain't ace, but it's probably played a role in my gender dysphoria.

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, James121 said:

No. I once suspected she was ace, I no longer do.

Does she say she is/explain her situation like other ace people do?  Or do neither of you think she is ace?

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ryn2
12 minutes ago, James121 said:

I don’t think there’s any material that encourages people to think it’s cool to hate sex. Sometimes people simply like to be different or controversial and in some cases I suspect that this accounts for why they say or do things

I thought you meant people were hating on sex because doing so had become trendy, rather than because it reflects their true feelings.  Maybe I misunderstood your post.

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James121
14 minutes ago, SparkyCat13 said:

You're invalidating it in your own mind, saying that it doesn't matter at all just because it doesn't matter to you.

I disagree 

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James121
7 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I thought you meant people were hating on sex because doing so had become trendy, rather than because it reflects their true feelings.  Maybe I misunderstood your post.

No that is what i meant 

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RK800

I usually just call it sex, no fancy terms, I just call it what it is.

But I guess everyone is different.

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ryn2
Just now, James121 said:

No that is what i meant 

Okay, then my point was that I haven’t seen any indication - at least where I live/in the media to which I am exposed - that hating on sex is currently trendy.

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SparkyCat13
42 minutes ago, James121 said:

I disagree 

Well your attitude is very much coming off as "this doesn't matter to me, so it shouldn't matter at all" and thinking that people can't be hurt by this stuff, or that it's not important that they are, just because you aren't. You seem to be completely shutting down everyone else's perspectives on this, that they can't be right just because it doesn't jive with what you personally feel. Which is extremely egocentric. So if that's not actually how you feel then you should think about how your words come across and explain yourself better.

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InariYana

Hating sex trendy?! 

General public sees as seriously uncool to be NOT interested in sex and it's still seen as abnormal or weird. Even phrases like "I'm not a fan" that I uttered somewhere in a group of people evoked this "whaaaaat?!" look on people's faces.

Say that you're into dressing up as a pony in bed - fine. You do it 3 times a day - fine. You like getting choked - cool. Threesomes - hot. "Not a fan" - what is wrong with you, is it your hormones-stress-depression? You don't know what good sex is perhaps? Have you been abused?

 

It seems like everyone HAS to be enthusiastic about sex. If you prefer chess (or cake!) to oral sex, mate, there's something wrong with you.  

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Telecaster68

I think it's possible that in certain circles, being different is cool, as a way of defining yourself, and that difference could be emphasising a naivete or ambivalence about sex to the point of identifying as asexual. 

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AjAylien
On 08/05/2018 at 1:04 PM, James121 said:

But if you are disgusted by something very normal and healthy it’s a little inconsiderate to tell the world how disgusting it is (and not expect to be challenged).

I think you just said one of my pet-dislikes that sexual people say to Asexuals. I actually find your statement offensive and prejudice. All the time we are put down by people saying sex is “normal and healthy” (in general any type of sexuality is more accepted than the view of non at all but there is prejudice to all)  and I’m sure ASexual rape victims (or any raped for that matter) wouldn’t feel it fair that they are called “inconsiderate” to tell the safe site how it repulses them. You need to try to think broader. I get that you can’t imagine a person not having sexual desire, and people tend to think what ever they do is the “norm” . Welcome to the 21st century - Asexuals are normal and healthy we are also humans! This site isn’t meant for a war ground to be challenged for who we are and how we feel. It’s a place to share. I do understand simply even being ASexual causes over defensive/rejection feelings  /pride/hurt ego to sexuals, because to you sex is part of who u are and what you do. But they aren’t talking about you. It isn’t personal. Please reconsider ever saying the sentence “normal healthy” in a context that suggests Asexuality is neither. It truly is unkind. We can’t help how we view and feel about sex. You can’t help how you feel about it. But there is no need to challenge anyone. It’s not a dual. :) 

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Telecaster68

He didn't say asexuals weren't normal or healthy. He said sex is normal and healthy. Not the same thing at all. 

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ryn2
43 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think it's possible that in certain circles, being different is cool, as a way of defining yourself, and that difference could be emphasising a naivete or ambivalence about sex to the point of identifying as asexual. 

That certainly could be true but it isn’t visible here.

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ryn2
40 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

He didn't say asexuals weren't normal or healthy. He said sex is normal and healthy. Not the same thing at all. 

It’s probably more fair/accurate to say sex (or having sex) can be normal and healthy...

 

...as can a lack of (having) sex.

 

Both depend on the individual(s) and the situation.

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Telecaster68
34 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That certainly could be true but it isn’t visible here.

In this thread? No. But I do see signs of it on AVEN here and there. 

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ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

In this thread? No. But I do see signs of it on AVEN here and there. 

Oh, sorry, I thought James meant “out in the real world” rather than here on AVEN specifically.

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Telecaster68

I think both apply. 

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ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

I think both apply. 

They may.  I just haven’t seen any evidence in the real world (do media even count as the real world?  :lol:) that hating on sex is cool.

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Telecaster68

Not hating sex, but identifying as an asexual. 

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anisotrophic
23 hours ago, AjAylien said:

I do understand simply even being ASexual causes over defensive/rejection feelings  /pride/hurt ego to sexuals, because to you sex is part of who u are and what you do. But they aren’t talking about you. It isn’t personal.

It might be worth observing that the sexuals in AVEN are often here because (they suspect) their (often long term) partner is ace, and are trying to come to terms with it. It can be an extraordinarily painful experience, and AVEN is the only forum I'm aware of (I would love to hear of others) where it's possible to find others to talk to about this experience.

 

We absolutely shouldn't take it personally. But when one does -- here in AVEN -- well -- I just want to say: it might not be about pride or hurt ego. The rejection experienced is visceral, perhaps a vicious destruction of self esteem that has occurred over many years. (Other times, it may simply be a relationship that's gone sour, and not actual asexuality.) There can be vulnerability in sex. One becomes exposed. To imagine our partner is disgusted with us in this state, and/or thinks less of us, that can be very upsetting.

But mapping hurt/frustration with one's partner to other aces is also very unfair. It's the partner that needs to hear about it.

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ryn2
29 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not hating sex, but identifying as an asexual. 

I don’t see that here (as in my geography) either... but it was specifically people jumping on the bandwagon of sex-hating when they otherwise wouldn’t hate sex that James mentioned.

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InariYana
17 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not hating sex, but identifying as an asexual. 

As I can see you're from the UK, like me - tell me where I can find a place and a group of people (within general public, that's probably 99% of sexual people) who think being asexual is cool. I want to relocate there! :) 

Imagine that... I walk into a random pub, people spot my black ring, approach me and say "wow, are you ace? This is SOOOO cool! Do you want free cake?" Ha! I wish :D

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Nowhere Girl
21 hours ago, AjAylien said:

We can’t help how we view and feel about sex.

And even if we could "help" it, a truly tolerant person should consider it our free choice. Without assigning any value judgement to either view.

No, really, I admit that I'm just kinda "allergic" to discourses which call for tolerance for non-heterosexual people - because they can't become heterosexual. True tolerance doesn't work like that.

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Solovei
59 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

 

No, really, I admit that I'm just kinda "allergic" to discourses which call for tolerance for non-heterosexual people -

And because there is nothing to "tolerate". I hate it when people say: "I really don't mind that so-and-so is <insert orientation, race, what have you>". Well, how generous of you! Now take your condescension and moral superiority and shove them.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
On 5/8/2018 at 8:43 PM, James121 said:

 I personally believe that if you have strong negative views about sex you should either discuss them exclusively with someone who feels the same or not at all. 

Many sexual partners on AVEN bitch about NOT having sex all the time. They talk about the negative effects not having sex has on them, and often speak about not having sex like that's a really bad thing. Asexuals are merely doing the exact same thing but from the other side of the fence. And discussing negative feelings about sexual experiences is a big part of helping people come to terms with their asexuality. What more can one expect from people on a website about asexuality which is designed for asexual people?

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Lara Black
On 5/8/2018 at 1:02 AM, Mary Lambert said:

As I read through the posts, I cannot help but seem to notice that many Ace's refer to sex in a ugly way. I seem to see a higher inclination of derogatory names for the act with the Ace's than Allos. Is this just my imagination? 

Not in my personal experience. My very sexual ex-husband pretty much only referred to sex as f**ing. My ace partner, in contrast, is very careful about choosing terms and normally just calls it sex.

I’d say it’s not about (a)sexuality – it’s about one’s attitude towards sex. And those two aren’t directly connected.

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Telecaster68
2 hours ago, Lara Black said:

it’s not about (a)sexuality – it’s about one’s attitude towards sex. And those two aren’t directly connected.

I think there is a necessary connection. Asexuals just don't see sex as integral to a relationship. Sexuals do. To that extent, they're directly connected. 

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ryn2
49 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think there is a necessary connection. Asexuals just don't see sex as integral to a relationship. Sexuals do. To that extent, they're directly connected. 

Unless I’m misunderstanding Lara, I read that as “sex-positive v. not”... which is independent of orientation.  Someone can be very “live and let live” and still be ace; likewise, someone can be quite closed-minded and judgmental and be sexual.  Or vice versa.

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