Mary Lambert

Is more common for an Ace to refer to sex in a derogatory fashion?

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Telecaster68
57 minutes ago, Solovei said:

Spoken like a true man. 😔

A heterosexual man who's had sex with women who have had to talk me into being more aggressive with them.

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Nowhere Girl
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Maybe in a similar fashion common “ugly”/derogatory words for sex, genitalia, etc., stand out and are heard as judgmental coming from ace people.

Still, I'm not sure if aces actually use them. Sure, a lot of aces express negative feelings about sex, but it's not the same as using derogatory words. An ace's expression of sex repulsion is typically rather polite in terms of not using bad language. I definitely dislike words such as "fuck" and it seems to me that, at least in the sexual meaning, it's less used here than among allosexuals, who sometimes seem to treat it as though it was a neutral word.

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ryn2
28 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Still, I'm not sure if aces actually use them. Sure, a lot of aces express negative feelings about sex, but it's not the same as using derogatory words. An ace's expression of sex repulsion is typically rather polite in terms of not using bad language. I definitely dislike words such as "fuck" and it seems to me that, at least in the sexual meaning, it's less used here than among allosexuals, who sometimes seem to treat it as though it was a neutral word.

That’s been my experience as well but iirc a few people were concerned about having heard them.

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FictoVore.
45 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Still, I'm not sure if aces actually use them. Sure, a lot of aces express negative feelings about sex, but it's not the same as using derogatory words. An ace's expression of sex repulsion is typically rather polite in terms of not using bad language. I definitely dislike words such as "fuck" and it seems to me that, at least in the sexual meaning, it's less used here than among allosexuals, who sometimes seem to treat it as though it was a neutral word.

I've been here since 2013 now and now that I think about it I haven't even seen very sex-negative people use really derogatory terms to describe sex itself.  One time we had someone join for the purposes of tr*lling  who was saying "sex is evil and anyone engaging in it will go to hell" and if females argued with him he'd say stuff like "you're just a wh*re who loves to get gang-banged so what do you know?" yada yada lol. But even he wasn't using derogatory terms to describe sex itself, I think it requires too much imagination to think of fancy euphemisms for sex haha. 

 

Regarding the other discussion happening at the same time about women using derogatory sex terms, I know SOME sexual women  (myself included) will sometimes even refer to sex as 'rape' in a sexy way like "I wish you would r@pe me" or "I'd love a good r@ping" or whatever (not meaning actual rape, there's a huge difference!!), and things like "fuck me until it hurts" "don't stop even if I beg you to" "split me open", whereas if a man said "I want to rape her" that's considered instantly bad in so many ways regardless of how he means it, so women can get away with much more aggressive terms I think? But yeah there are some women who prefer aggressive sex, just as there are men who are turned off by aggressive sex and only want gentle tender lovemaking haha. It's only an issue (a really bad issue) when one person is being aggressive and the other doesn't want that - that's when aggression is totally unacceptable and not okay.

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Nowhere Girl
7 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Regarding the other discussion happening at the same time about women using derogatory sex terms, I know SOME sexual women  (myself included) will sometimes even refer to sex as 'rape' in a sexy way like "I wish you would r@pe me" or "I'd love a good r@ping" or whatever (not meaning actual rape, there's a huge difference!!), and things like "fuck me until it hurts" "don't stop even if I beg you to" "split me open", whereas if a man said "I want to rape her" that's considered instantly bad in so many ways regardless of how he means it, so women can get away with much more aggressive terms I think? But yeah there are some women who prefer aggressive sex, just as there are men who are turned off by aggressive sex and only want gentle tender lovemaking haha. It's only an issue (a really bad issue) when one person is being aggressive and the other doesn't want that - that's when aggression is totally unacceptable and not okay.

I don't accept any kind of sex involving myself, but in my fantasies I only accept more or less "gentle lovemaking". I hate brutal sex. Do some people like it because they really have a deep preference for it, or because sex is being protrayed in such a brutal and unequal way in a lot of media?

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Telecaster68

Seemed a pretty real preference to me.

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daveb

Also, I think some people equate aggressive (and even violent) sex with passion? At least that is the impression I get. Although maybe that's related to media depiction. Sexual folks feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. On a similar note to people (all genders) who think pursuit and persistence and not taking no for an answer are all "part of the game". By which I mean, I guess for some it really is how they feel? For others they may just be buying into media depictions and/or societal expectations?

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Telecaster68

It's more than like the aggression is openly showing the intensity of desire for the other person, and it feels good to be that intensely desired. Also, for a lot of women

 

Spoiler

being fucked hard feels good physically 

 

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FictoVore.
2 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I hate brutal sex. Do some people like it because they really have a deep preference for it, or because sex is being protrayed in such a brutal and unequal way in a lot of media?

It's more because we can't help what our bodies enjoy.  I just naturally become more aroused by rough sex that's still intimate  (not emotionally cold like in porn, it's nothing like that!!). For me, pain makes the sex more pleasurable and intimate. Only pain that I want though. I never enjoyed or desired vaginal sex because it hurt me so much, I hated it. Whereas I've learned now that pain in other parts of my body can actually deeply enhance the types of non-vaginal sexual pleasure I *can* enjoy  (boob sex, butt sex, giving oral - anything not involving my own genitals). Consensual non-consent also heightens pleasure for me, only with someone I love and trust deeply though of course. Anyway there is a huge difference between the kind of rough sex two people have when they both desire it with each other and feel it enhances their emotional connection and their pleasure, and the type someone who is trying to mimic what they see in porn might have. Seriously,  porn is really lame and very emotionally cold compared to what happens when real people have rough sex with each other :P Don't let porn fool you into thinking that's what rough sex is actually like!!! 🍰

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Sally
On 5/15/2018 at 12:39 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Of course it does. The ToS means for instance debating in the way I might on Reddit will get me warned and banned. Reservations and qualifications are standard. We can't call out trolls. There's huge emphasis on pronouns. Posts tend to be longer rather than shorter. All those things (and others) contribute to a particular style of discourse, just as every community has.

That's not a style.  Styles are generally chosen and tailored by the individual who is speaking/debating.  In the case of AVEN's (or any other site's)  TOS, speakers must delete from their speech certain words or claims.   The fact that you can't say the "N" word on AVEN doesn't affect your own individual style.  

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ryn2
57 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

It's more because we can't help what our bodies enjoy.

So universally true...

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FictoVore.
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

So universally true...

I was reffering to females like me who desire and enjoy rougher sex and use 'strong' terminology, that's what i meant by 'we' (and obviously not ALL, im sure some enjoy it for other reasons like, i don't know, self esteem issues??)

 

It is however universally that someone can't help what their body enjoys and desires. An ace doesn't desire sexual intimacy and enjoys not having sex, they can't help that. Someone who enjoys gentle lovemaking can't help that and haven't been influenced by romantic media or whatever to enjoy it, it's just what their body desires. Someone who experiences much stronger orgasms from rougher sexual stimulation doesn't feel that way because they watched too much porn, it's because that's the kind of stimulation their body needs. I can't orgasm at all from having my genitals directly stimulated (I need a towel) and I can't help that that's what my body needs. And I can't help that I'd rather have my butt pounded hard than a slow gentle insertion that would just feel like a backwards poop haha - total turn off!! Whereas others love it very slow and gentle. Different bodies need different types of stimulation and different people desire different kinds of intimacy (rough, gentle, dirty, vanilla, none-at-all, etc) and they can't change what it is their body enjoys or doesn't enjoy by wishing it would be different - otherwise aces could make themselves love sex!!

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daveb
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's more than like the aggression is openly showing the intensity of desire for the other person

Thanks. That's more or less what I thought I said. :P 

Spoiler

(I also get that some people (men as well as women) do like it "rough")

 

I still think it's silly to think that aggression is thought to be an indicator of intensity of desire. I think it doesn't necessarily follow, but then I'm not sexual. To each their own. I guess the trick is finding people who are compatible that way. :) 

 

As for media depictions, I'm not talking about porn, but just movies (and sometimes tv) where it might be less explicit and might concentrate more on the aggressive part (not just during actual sex, but things like mashing faces together during a kiss, or violently clearing a desk prior to having sex on it, or a myriad of other depictions like that). And I would never equate media depictions with reality, even though that seems to be where a lot of sexual people pick up some of their ideas about sex, too. :lol: (I mean both aces and non-aces can pick up a lot of erroneous information from various sources - hopefully we all eventually sort out what we each like and what works or doesn't work for us regardless of media depictions)

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uhtred
3 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I've been here since 2013 now and now that I think about it I haven't even seen very sex-negative people use really derogatory terms to describe sex itself.  One time we had someone join for the purposes of tr*lling  who was saying "sex is evil and anyone engaging in it will go to hell" and if females argued with him he'd say stuff like "you're just a wh*re who loves to get gang-banged so what do you know?" yada yada lol. But even he wasn't using derogatory terms to describe sex itself, I think it requires too much imagination to think of fancy euphemisms for sex haha. 

 

Regarding the other discussion happening at the same time about women using derogatory sex terms, I know SOME sexual women  (myself included) will sometimes even refer to sex as 'rape' in a sexy way like "I wish you would r@pe me" or "I'd love a good r@ping" or whatever (not meaning actual rape, there's a huge difference!!), and things like "fuck me until it hurts" "don't stop even if I beg you to" "split me open", whereas if a man said "I want to rape her" that's considered instantly bad in so many ways regardless of how he means it, so women can get away with much more aggressive terms I think? But yeah there are some women who prefer aggressive sex, just as there are men who are turned off by aggressive sex and only want gentle tender lovemaking haha. It's only an issue (a really bad issue) when one person is being aggressive and the other doesn't want that - that's when aggression is totally unacceptable and not okay.

Its a tricky subject.  There are a significant number of women who enjoy rough, pretend-forced sex and even pain. There are a significant number of men who enjoy having aggressive things done to them as well. (There are a lot of sex workers who cater to men who want to be dominated / beaten, whatever). There are also people who enjoy aggressive / play-forced sex as an occasional fun variant.  

 

Its not that surprising. Some people enjoy playing rough sports  either with others like football, or themselves with white-water rafting, or race car driving.  So I'm convinced that there are a fair number of people who consent to and honestly enjoy being the target of rough / agressive sex.  (TMI, but I personally am quite happy to be the target of same).

 

That said, it is by no means try that all women enjoy it, or that all men enjoy doing it.   Its a matter of personal desires and consent is all important. 

 

I see nothing wrong with any consensual sexual activity.   Whether its candles and massage oil, or whips, chains and cattle-prods - as long as everyone is having fun, enjoy.  Just don't expect that others will enjoy what you enjoy, 

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uhtred
14 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Maybe in your world but I know that just because I hate trifle (wet sponge, yuck!) doesn't mean I think that people who enjoy trifle are gross. It's easy to find something extremely unappealing yourself yet not have any feelings whatsoever regarding other people who enjoy that thing. And even if someone secretly *does* think people who enjoy sex are gross, as long as they're not actually stating that outloud then they're not hurting anyone on AVEN.

 

People are free to speak negatively about sex here (just as you're free to speak negatively about celibacy) but that doesn't mean they automatically hate all people who engage in sex or that you automatically hate all people who won't compromise sexually.

Sometimes people need to take control of their own emotions.  I find gay sex gross - in an emotional way. In a rational way I think it is completely fine and I fully support peoples freedom to love whoever they want however they want.  So if I see two men kissing, I need to make a mental effort not to react badly - but I believe that its very important that I *do* make that effort. 

 

We can't always control our irrational reactions, but we can control how we behave as a result of those reactions. 

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ryn2
26 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

I was reffering to females like me who desire and enjoy rougher sex and use 'strong' terminology, that's what i meant by 'we' (and obviously not ALL, im sure some enjoy it for other reasons like, i don't know, self esteem issues??)

Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to come across as sarcastic or anything.  I honestly meant that the phrase was so, so true for not just you (and like-minded women) but for everyone.

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FictoVore.
19 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to come across as sarcastic or anything.  I honestly meant that the phrase was so, so true for not just you (and like-minded women) but for everyone.

OMG haha I thought you were being sarcastic thinking I meant that ALL women like rough sex because our bodies just unervesally desire that or something,  hence the long and detailed explanation. Such a fail :P

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ryn2
Just now, FictoVore. said:

OMG haha I thought you were being sarcastic thinking I meant that ALL women like rough sex because our bodies just unervesally desire that or something,  hence the long and detailed explanation. Such a fail :P

Hah, no, I meant that we’re all - wherever we fall on whatever spectrum - such slaves to what our bodies like.  :)

 

It was a good explanation, though.

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James121
10 hours ago, Solovei said:

Spoken like a true man. 😔

Unfortunately (or fortunately however you may want to view this) there is a decent percentage of woman (probably quite a high percentage) who really like and enjoy being dominated/roughly handled during sex. I have personal experience with this and even I have been surprised during my life time about how many woman like it with a degree of forcefulness. Typically they like like soft and gentle too but they also like the occasional bit of rough. I’m afraid that I take your comment to @Telecaster68 as a bit of an unfair dig as it implies he is simply not being a gentleman. He may well be the perfect gentleman his experience with woman may well mirror mine.

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MrDane
On 5/16/2018 at 4:26 PM, Solovei said:

No. As a woman (who does enjoy sex), I do not enjoy (the implicit aggressive and/or demeaning undertones of) being pounded, banged, nailed, drilled or boned, of having people get into my pants or tap that.

 

But what do I know, eh, I'm not the one doing the pounding, I don't count.

...so I guess you would not use pounding as a word with a positive note to it, as you feel it is implicit aggressive/demeaning, then? Fits well with my words though!  

Of course you count, and please dont shove that statement down my pants!

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MrDane
On 5/8/2018 at 12:02 AM, Mary Lambert said:

As I read through the posts, I cannot help but seem to notice that many Ace's refer to sex in a ugly way. I seem to see a higher inclination of derogatory names for the act with the Ace's than Allos. Is this just my imagination? 

I think most posts are neutral in their words, but we can all utter our feelings, but if we tend to move away from more neutral acceptable terms, then it okay to point to it. And I have also had both pointed fingers, lifted eyebrows, warnings and people who questioned my motifs or even seemed to know me better. My advice. Say more about yourself, less about sex in general.

 

eg: I really like sex, but I constantly try to remember that this certain activity is not called “a blessed act of love” since that implies that my partner feels the same. And no need to mix a deity into the equation either. I like sex. It makes me feel connected and loved. (Other activities does that as well, but sex combines it into a perfect mix, for ME)

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