Mary Lambert

Is more common for an Ace to refer to sex in a derogatory fashion?

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Mary Lambert

As I read through the posts, I cannot help but seem to notice that many Ace's refer to sex in a ugly way. I seem to see a higher inclination of derogatory names for the act with the Ace's than Allos. Is this just my imagination? 

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Nowhere Girl

And why shouldn't we? A lot of aces are sex-averse or sex-repulsed to varying degrees. And even for those who are rather sex-indifferent, it's not hard to get fed up with something if all culture and society is telling us that we must experience and must love it in order to be fully human.

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Woodworker1968

I do, but I prefer to use sardonic humor to do so whenever possible. It's a bit like comparing a caveman's club to a samurai sword.

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daveb

Some do; some don't.

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Purple Wanderer

I know a lot of sexual folk that are repulsed by the thought of particular  sexual acts. 

 

 

 

I'm indifferent.

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InquisitivePhilosopher

Hi. AVEN's Census states that most members are in their teens (some are unhappy or uncomfortable about having sex ed in high school) and 20s, so that might partially account for it, in addition to being asexual.

 

For me, it wasn't anything personal against anyone when I felt repulsed at having to learn about puberty and sex ed in fifth grade, and when I was a teen: it was just about my feelings; I wasn't interested in it, and wasn't happy about feeling as though it would be expected of me, when I would be older. However, as I've gotten older, I've become more used to the fact that it's a fact of life for others, and I don't feel as horrified or grossed out when others talk about it.

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EggplantWitch

There is a difference between 'ugly' and 'derogatory'. If you see so many asexual people saying they think sex is ugly, then it's because... well, to us, it is. Without that whatever-it-is that makes sexuals feel intimate, lovey or mind-blown it's just mashing sweaty smelly fleshy bits together :L Sometimes in a very uncomfortable or painful way. I find it interesting you feel aces use derogatory terms more frequently than sexuals. In my experience, it's always been sexuals who shag, smash, fuck, bone, grind, eat [insert body part] etc. I personally might find sex to be ugly but that doesn't mean I think people who take part in it are- that's where the line gets crossed into 'derogatory. Asexual elitism and sex-negativity have always been strongly discouraged on AVEN, so you must be looking quite hard to find uncensored statements like that.

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Sally

I'm a little amazed that you seem to be surprised that asexuals generally have less positive descriptions of sex than sexuals do.  Why wouldn't we?  We're not interested in having sex, and some of us who have had it have had the experience of not finding it enjoyable.  Sexuals, on the other hand...

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InariYana
7 hours ago, EggplantWitch said:

In my experience, it's always been sexuals who shag, smash, fuck, bone, grind, eat [insert body part] etc. I personally might find sex to be ugly but that doesn't mean I think people who take part in it are- that's where the line gets crossed into 'derogatory. 

That has always been a mystery to me. If sexuals see sex as this amazing, bonding act why use these exact words? Why, if people want to be nasty to one another, do they use names of actual sexual body parts as derogatory terms? In the UK the worst word that can be used (C-word) is just a name for female parts!

Call a random man a C*** at the bar and you'll end up with a broken nose, but... it's just a body part, a body part that random man actually really enjoys hmm interacting with :D 

One of the new expressions (new to me) was "destroy the pussy", like... why would you even say that? Destroy? Why something that suggests aggression and violence? Ugh.  

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CBC

In other news, vegans don't sing the praises of meat and people in wheelchairs aren't the biggest fans of stairs.

 

(Yes I'm perfectly aware that those aren't perfect analogies for the nature of asexuality, but they're good enough parallels for this purpose.)

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Telecaster68
17 minutes ago, InariYana said:

shag, smash, fuck, bone, grind, eat [insert body part] etc.

Of those, 'smash' sounds nasty to me, but the others aren't, or even derogatory. They're just descriptive. ('Bone' is from 'boner' I guess). It's interesting that 'eat', for instance is being seen as derogatory, as it isn't in any other context. I've noticed some asexuals tend to stick with less emotive terms like 'engage in sexual intercourse', which is understandable but seems amusingly prissy to me. 

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Sally

Tele, women probably like "grind" a little less than you do, since that's happening inside us.   Also, I'd bet that more asexuals say "have sex" than "engage in sexual intercourse." 

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Telecaster68
7 minutes ago, Sally said:

women probably like "grind" a little less than you do, since that's happening inside us

Ummm... it might depend on the grind. Women seem keen on it as a general concept, in my experience. The fact it's happening inside them seems to be a plus, not a minus.

 

7 minutes ago, Sally said:

I'd bet that more asexuals say "have sex" than "engage in sexual intercourse."

True, but outside of legal testimonies, academia or religious pontifications, I don't think any sexual would use 'engage in sexual intercourse' over 'have sex' in general conversation. 

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CBC

I can't say I'm a huge fan of 'grind', but maybe that's a hetero thing? And I reeeeally hate the word 'eat' in any sexual context at all. Unless you're a box of crackers or I'm a slice of watermelon or something, nobody's going to be eating anyone. Ick.

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James121
10 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

As I read through the posts, I cannot help but seem to notice that many Ace's refer to sex in a ugly way. I seem to see a higher inclination of derogatory names for the act with the Ace's than Allos. Is this just my imagination? 

When sex isn’t your thing, some people choose to demonise sex in an attempt to legitimise their own position and feeling on it.

 

Unfortunately those people fail in their efforts.

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Telecaster68
Just now, CBC said:

I can't say I'm a huge fan of 'grind', but maybe that's a hetero thing? And I reeeeally hate the word 'eat' in any sexual context at all. Unless you're a box of crackers or I'm a slice of watermelon or something, nobody's going to be eating anyone. Ick.

Without getting graphic, um, yeah, I imagine it's a hetero thing. 'Pounded', similarly. Sometimes people want hard, apparently aggressive, sex. I think 'eating' has connotations of voraciousness, so it's the same ballpark. Clearly nobody is tearing off bits off flesh, chewing and swallowing*.

 

* Awaits protests that some people do, in fact, literally eat body parts...

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James121
10 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

And why shouldn't we?

And why shouldn’t people be allowed to talk about being ace in a negative way? Perhaps even a derogatory way? 

 

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CBC
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Without getting graphic, um, yeah, I imagine it's a hetero thing.

Yep, so that explains my feelings then haha.

 

And I definitely don't mind aggressive in certain contexts at all, it doesn't need to be all sweetness and timidity... that gets annoying tbh... but the eating metaphor just really squicks me out. I'd rather express voraciousness in other ways.

 

I'm sure someone will be along shortly to discuss cannibalism, Tele. :P 

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CBC
11 minutes ago, James121 said:

And why shouldn’t people be allowed to talk about being ace in a negative way? Perhaps even a derogatory way? 

I'm not sure that's a fair analogy. I'm not asexual, but I think it's okay for asexuals to discuss negative feelings about sex; hell, it's okay for sexuals who have less-than-favourable feelings to do so. It's less okay to talk about "being sexual" or "being asexual" in a negative and derogatory way though. That's condemning other people for who they are, not simply expressing distaste for an act.

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James121
1 minute ago, CBC said:

I'm not sure that's a fair analogy. I'm not asexual, but I think it's okay for asexuals to discuss negative feelings about sex; hell, it's okay for sexuals who have less-than-favourable feelings to do so. It's less okay to talk about "being sexual" or "being asexual" in a derogatory way though. That's condemning other people for who they are, not simply expressing distaste for an act.

I get that but I struggle to differentiate between condemning someone for being sexual and demonising the act of having sex. I personally believe that if you have strong negative views about sex you should either discuss them exclusively with someone who feels the same or not at all. 

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ryn2

There’s a big difference between personally being disgusted by something and judging those who feel otherwise.

 

I mentioned elsewhere finding slimy boiled okra utterly gagworthy.  I literally cannot get it down, and I certainly don’t speak of it in glowing or even neutral terms... but that doesn’t translate into similar (or even any) feelings about people who love it.

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James121

But if you are disgusted by something very normal and healthy it’s a little inconsiderate to tell the world how disgusting it is (and not expect to be challenged).

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, James121 said:

But if you are disgusted by something very normal and healthy it’s a little inconsiderate to tell the world how disgusting it is (and not expect to be challenged).

A lot of people out there seem to find excretion and/or elimination pretty disgusting and manage to comment on it regularly.

 

It’s fine for something to be disgusting to you and neutral or awesome to me, and it’s fine for both of us to say so.  That’s different than attacking someone for doing the thing.

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James121

I’m not sure I would be willing to talk about how disgusting something is if I knew I was the one who thought so but the other 10 people in the room are unlikely to.

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ryn2

Good thing no one plans to make you, then!

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Nowhere Girl
5 hours ago, InariYana said:

Call a random man a C*** at the bar and you'll end up with a broken nose, but... it's just a body part, a body part that random man actually really enjoys hmm interacting with :D 

It's even "better" - lots of men use words for penis it a similar way. Have you heard the phrase "Putin is a d***head" (or "Putin is a prick", in Ukrainian it's "Путін хуйло")? I always find it a bit of a hypocrisy when men on the one hand use words for penis as insults, but, on the other hand, expect everyone to admire penises and don't believe women who say that "penis envy" is bullshit.

I just feel that for lesbians and aces it's more honest to call Putin, or anyone else, a stupid prick. ;)

13 hours ago, EggplantWitch said:

In my experience, it's always been sexuals who shag, smash, fuck, bone, grind, eat [insert body part] etc.

Yes, yes, yes, that's it.

I certainly have a bit of an issue with it because I'm not fully sex-repulsed and I enjoy having third-person fantasies. But I absolutely hate the very idea of brutal sex and it bothers me why do people talk about it in such a brutal way.

Heck, I "even" hate the word "fuck"! It's a foul word! I just hate it when people use it as if it was completely neutral.

Yes, this is even more hypocrisy: (some) allosexual people expect everyone to love sex, ridicule us for not sharing this view - so why do they, at the same time, speak of sex in such a brutal, vulgar and empty way?

Perhaps this is another reason why I refuse to declare myself as sex-positive. I'm sex-averse myself and I don't want to have sex, but it doesn't mean that I would like to force my views on others - other people are free to have sex as long as they are adult and absolutely sure that they want to have sex. However, I find contemporary sexual culture so destructive that I really don't want anything to do with it.

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EggplantWitch
1 hour ago, James121 said:

But if you are disgusted by something very normal and healthy it’s a little inconsiderate to tell the world how disgusting it is (and not expect to be challenged).

Apart from in this instance we're not telling the world, we're talking about it.... literally on a forum for asexual people who all more or less feel the same way. Sexual people are allowed here, but at the end of the day, this isn't a space for you. Imagine how we feel stepping out the door to find DO THIS THING YOU FIND GROSS NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU DON'T WANT TO YOU GOTTA DO IT GOTTA HAVE SEX LET SOMEONE PENETRATE YOUR BODY blasted at us constantly. And anyway, it's not normal and healthy for everyone, and suggesting that it is then implies people who are disgusted by it are abnormal and unhealthy - regardless of whether you meant to or not.

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SusannaC

I think since this is a forum for all people to express, we should feel free to speak the truth, no matter how blunt and honest the thoughts..  for instance, it’s a pleasant feeling to be truthful and open about how I feel in a safe place.  No repercussions here, except for the offense others may take to something said.  It’s also understandable that asexuals would not generally find pleasant words to describe sex, and often express negative thoughts about the act.  After all, if no joy, no fun, no pleasures are experienced, how can this sex be viewed as anything other than an annoyance, at best.  I know my husband has no joy with sex- because believe me- if any  past time is enjoyable for him, he will do it!!!!!  I would NEVER expect or ask for sex with him- because I know for him it is viewed as a waste of his time, and his heart would not be in the act.  That is a turn off for me, big time!!!!!! 

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InariYana

Seriously, there are sexual people out there who can't watch hmm... "close-up" porn because they find it absolutely disgusting to watch. People at my work (sexuals, all of them) comment on news about couples having sex in public with sheer disgust instead of "yay, good for them, some sexy fun in the sun". We have common phrases referring to sex as "bumping uglies"... :D It ain't pretty to many people, not just asexuals. 

 

There was a pretty cool experiment in which random passing women were invited to a photo booth to have a photo of their genitals taken (all anonymous, no face visible, just the bits). The idea was to try and portray an average vulva, in contrast with the ones seen in mainstream porn. The comments from men online... (I'm thinking, statistically, most of them pussy lovers) were just absolutely horrible. They were super grossed out, someone lost their appetite for ham sandwich, poor boys were shocked and disgusted by an average vag :lol: For me, an asexual, it was all just average body parts, I was more like "wow, we sure are different down there", not disgusted. I used to moderate a gay dating site briefly and I must have seen thousands of penises there... again, they were just body parts and there was quite a variety of them. That was it, zero interest on my part but also zero disgust. Just yeah, yeah, yawn, another penis ;) 

 

Being disgusted by sex (or some forms of it, or in certain circumstances) is not just an asexual issue and... everyone's free to be disgusted by whatever they find disgusting. 

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Mary Lambert
2 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I think since this is a forum for all people to express, we should feel free to speak the truth, no matter how blunt and honest the thoughts..  for instance, it’s a pleasant feeling to be truthful and open about how I feel in a safe place.  No repercussions here, except for the offense others may take to something said.  It’s also understandable that asexuals would not generally find pleasant words to describe sex, and often express negative thoughts about the act.

 I agree, this is a learning site (awareness). 

 

6 hours ago, EggplantWitch said:

literally on a forum for asexual people who all more or less feel the same way. Sexual people are allowed here, but at the end of the day, this isn't a space for you. 

To say this is not a site for us (Allos) is missing the point. You live in a world with us. Don't you want to help us understand y'all and make this a better world? And that's also, why I am bringing up the idea of demonizing sex as a sad practice, especially on this site, where Allo have been so hurt by having this taken from us from the ones we love. 

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